One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. On of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch.

As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.

"So things get larger when they get hot do they?" he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind (I know not from where).

"Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."

There was a long pause, then his face cleared.

"You know I always wondered about that," he said.

A farmer dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that a farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80 percent humidity. So the Devil goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The farmer says, "I like it here, the temperature is just like plowing my fields in June."

The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90 percent.

After turning everything up he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy. The farmer says, "This is even better, it's like pulling weeds in the fields during July."

The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer, so he turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100 percent.

Once again, he goes looking for the farmer, and finds him sitting on the floor -- even happier than before! The farmer turns to the Devil and says, "This is great, it's just like working in the silo with my friends in August."

The Devil says, "That's it, I'll get this farmer." He goes over and turns the temperature down to 25 degrees and sets the weather control to SNOW. "Lets see what the farmer has to say about THIS."

A little while later, the Devil finds the farmer -- only NOW he's jumping up and down for joy and yelling, "The Packers have finally won the Superbowl!"

A good friend of mine in Los Angeles is somewhat computer illiterate. She recently called me here (Italy) with a problem she was having with her new computer:

"Simon, something's wrong with the Internet thing, it doesn't work."

"What does the computer say?"

"Well, it just told me that the program had performed an 'illegal operation' and that it was going to be shut down."

I paused, about to respond that it was nothing to worry about and all she had to do was restart the computer, when I thought of something.

"You think it means the police are going to come and shut down your computer, don't you?"

A trans-atlantic pause....

"Errm, it doesn't then?"

"No!"