Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"

The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. Baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, son is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. Says the baby stork:

"Nowhere. Just scaring the *shit* out of college students!"

A CNN poll named President Clinton the most admired man in America, finishing ahead of Pope John Paul II and the Rev. Billy Graham. This proves that, as much as this country loves religion, comedy will always come first.

The TV industry announced its new content rating system Thursday. Among the categories:

TV-G - For shows that make you go, "Gee, isn't there anything better on?"

TV-Zzz - For C-SPAN

TV-PG - Parental Guidance, ideally not just, "Don't sit so close to the set."

TV-NBA - Big guys, bugger paychecks, bigger egos

TV-9.95 - You're watching QVC

TV-666 - Sitting through yet another Tori Spelling movie will be pure hell.

TV-Mmm - You're watching the food network.

TV-M - For mature audiences, which rules out anyone who fights over the remote.

TV-#%@& - You're watching the cartoon network.

TV-911 - Your friends know not to call during this show unless it's an emergency.

Los Angeles has outlawed gas powered leaf blowers in residential areas. If you report someone for violating this law, does that make you a leaf blower whistle blower?

According to Cosmo, American women consider the ideal male measurments to be 42-32-32, except in Los Angeles where the perfect man is 85-95-105. That's 85 years old, worth $95 million and running a 105 temperature.

The Raiders held a tickets for guns promotion for their fans. Actually, it happens every week: "Gimme your tickets, I got a gun!"

Researchers at Oxford University say there's no evidence that garlic prevents heart attacks. In fact, it can be a real hinderance when a victim requires mouth to mouth resusitation.

Here's an interesting science fact - the male emperor moth can smell a female emperor moth up to seven miles away. How's THAT for a not so fresh feeling.

An finally, a study says Americans actually have more free time than ever. Well, that may have been true before Doom, but it certainly isn't true now...