Hello! I am a creature from a galaxy far away, visiting your planet. I have transformed myself into this text file. As you are reading it I am having sex with your eyeballs. I know you like it because you are smiling. Please pass me on to someone else because I am really horny.

A federal court overturned the conviction of Lincoln Savings and Loan kingpin Charles Keating. His warden gave him mixed reviews. He wasn't a model prisoner, but somehow he managed to earn 3 billion cigarettes. He said he doesn't regret his five years behind bars because "worse things happen every day". Yeah, like having your life savings wiped out by some white collar crook?

The supreme court let stand a law that bans phone solicitation by auto dialing machines. The justices refused to hear the case, because they were in the middle of dinner.

Lunar scientists were amazed to discover a pool of ice deep in a crater on the moon. Sounds like one of those Apollo astronauts not only took one small step for man, but one giant leak for mankind as well...

GM's electric car, the EV1, went on sale this week. It costs $34,000 to lease one - but they'll knock off $5,000 if you agree to wear a pink bunny suit and bang a drum while you drive it.

The Marlboro Man's widow is suing the cigarette company that made him famous. The widow of David McLean, the original Marlboro Man, has sued Philip Morris, Inc. for the wrongful death of her husband. When posing for cigarette ads in the 1960s, McLean sometimes had to smoke up to five packs per take. He didn't realize cigarettes could harm his health, says Mrs. McLean's lawyer. McLean smoked from the time he was twelve until his death at the age of 73.