As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney

1. Your resume includes that job as Strom Thurmond's nanny.

2. You're really looking forward to seeing the Ottoman Empire from space.

3. Your historic moonwalk speech? "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

4. Being on oxygen, wearing a waste bag, and eating pureed vegatables through a straw are old hat to you.

5. Your '96 bid for the presidency didn't quite pan out.

6. You can't remember the last time you experienced lift-off, if you know what I mean.

7. Forget the "Vomit Comet" test plane -- you failed the "turnstile" test.

8. NASA fits you for a spacesuit support bra -- but you're not female.

9. "Houston, we're venting some sort of gas out into space... no wait, it's just me."

10. NASA isn't all that impressed that you already get all your meals from a tube.

11. You can no longer see over the Shuttle steering wheel without your cushion.

12. During take-off you keep yelling, "If you kids don't knock off that racket, I'm turning this thing around and we're going straight home!"

13. Demand that liftoff be delayed because of time conflict with reruns of "Murder, She Wrote" and "Matlock."

    and the Number 1 Sign You're Too Old to be an Astronaut...

14. The last time you heard talk of "strange rings around Uranus," it was from your doctor.