"How's business?" asked the first.

"Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was already another lawyer hanging on to the bumper."

How do you get a U of Texas grad off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza

1. Don't get to pick who will play you in Movie of the Week after you're dead.

2. Do you think there's a "Self-Appointed Son of God" discount at the movies? Well I'll tell you, pal, there's not.

3. Between grappling with the mysteries of the universe, deflowering new child-brides, and dodging phone calls from Reno, you can't keep track of your soaps!

4. Swastika on forehead makes getting good service at the deli a little dicey.

5. When the crowds disperse, the repeated chanting of your name is left behind and your mom calls to remind you that you're really just an inconsiderate slob who can't even remember the birthday of the woman who nurtured him in the womb for nine long months.

6. After you 'let' them live at your compound and give you all of their money, they expect to be fed, too!

7. Requests to FBI to play something "more danceable" on siege loudspeakers are constantly ignored.

8. Having to show ID after signing checks "The Messiah."

9. Those annoying, cute teenage girls who don't give a damn about your self-made religion but just want to sleep with you all the time.

10. That damned Kevorkian always gets to your followers before you can.

11. The FBI cuts the cable off during seiges.

12. Getting snubbed in the debates was bad enough, but when your own followers start to call you "a short, big-eared, maniacal crackpot" it *really* pisses you off.

13. Marrying 31 wives and doing the math on the PMS schedule.

14. Finding able disciples who can recruit rich, attractive young women as well as today's political operatives do.

    and the Number 1 Hassle of Cult Leaders...

15. Keeping out of the news.