In the Middle Ages, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was canonized by George Bernard Shaw. The Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

In the Renaissance, Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.

The painter Donatello's interest in the female nude made him the father of the Renaissance. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh invented cigarettes, and Sir Frances Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

Queen Elizabeth's navy defeated the Spanish Armadillo. William Shakespeare wrote about Romeo and Juliet, a romantic couplet. Miguel Cervantes wrote "Donkey Hote." John Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

What's a specimen?
An Italian astronaut.

1. More than a little disappointed you didn't get invited to Superman's wedding.

2. Keep memorizing words like "SSPPLLAATT", "KAPOW", and "BLAMMMMO" for school spelling bee.

3. Your resume lists your last three jobs as Defender of the Galaxy, Sidekick to Defender of the Galaxy, and Assistant Manager of InterGalactic 7-11.

4. You shout "Curses! Foiled again" when they forget the catsup at the drive-through.

5. You whack your boss over the head with a hammer and are surprised when his head doesn't pop back into shape.

6. Despite repeated attempts to stop speeding cars with your bare hands, neighbors still think you're just a suicidal lunatic.

7. At age 43, you set the regional subscription record for Grit Magazine.

8. Your compulsive self-narrative renders you too transparent for a career in real estate or car repair.

9. You're the only one wearing a cape at step aerobics.

10. "Holy 40-year-old virgin, Batman!"

11. Wife is getting tired of you introducing her as "My trusty sidekick."

12. Most of your sick days are due to "the effects of the earth's yellow sun."

13. Refusing to admit you're drunk, you vow revenge on the evil "Flaccidus" for your inability to "perform."

14. Your secret identity keeps drinking all the beer. and the Number 1 Sign You Read Too Many Comic Books...

15. Your attempts at becoming "Danger Cloud" are proving hard on the underwear.