I sort-of came to a position of what could best be called the military version of attention, and said, "Jimmy Moore", thinking he was introducing himself to me.

The next morning at breakfast, the exact same ceremony was again repeated. Well, not being familiar with French customs, I sought out a friend of mine, also on board and described the incidents to her.

She said, "You big dummy! 'Bon appetit' isn't the guy's name; he's wishing you have a pleasant meal by saying 'good appetite'".

Well, needless to say, I felt pretty embarrassed, as well as quite the country bumpkin. So, I arrived early for lunch. As soon as I saw him nearing the table, I leaped up, bowed as gracefully as I knew how, and said "Bon appetit".

The Frenchman quickly clicked his heels together, came to full attention, saluted smartly and said, "Jimmy Moore."

Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245

January 3, 1997

Dear President:

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my 1997 resolution/wish list:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own pain gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Yours truly,

Barbie

In order for UNIX(tm) to survive into the nineties, it must get rid of its intimidating commands and outmoded jargon, and become compatible with the existing standards of our day. To this end, our technicians have come up with a new version of UNIX, System VI, for use by the PC - that is, the "Politically Correct."

System VI Release notes

UTILITIES

1. "man" pages are now called "person" pages.

2. Similarly, "hangman" is now the "person_executed_by_an_oppressive_regime."

3. To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the "cat" command is now merely "domestic_quadruped."

4. To date, there has only been a UNIX command for "yes" - reflecting the male belief that women always mean yes, even when they say no. To address this imbalance, System VI adds a "no" command, along with a "-f[orce]" option which will crash the entire system if the "no" is ignored.

5. The bias of the "mail" command is obvious, and it has been replaced by the more neutral "gendre" command.

6. The "touch" command has been removed from the standard distribution due to its inappropriate use by high-level managers.

7. "compress" has been replaced by the lightweight "feather" command. Thus, old information (such as that from Dead White European Males) should be archived via "tar" and "feather".

8. The "more" command reflects the materialistic philosophy of the Reagan era. System VI uses the environmentally preferable "less" command.

9. The biodegradable "KleeNeX" displaces the environmentally unfriendly "LaTeX".

1. To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the "kill" command has been renamed "euthanise."

2. The "nice" command was historically used by privileged users to give themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling them to be "nice". In System VI, the "sue" command is used by unprivileged users to get for themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged ones.

3. "history" has been completely rewritten, and is now called "herstory."

4. "quota" can now specify minimum as well as maximum usage, and will be strictly enforced.

5. The "abort()" function is now called "choice()."

1. From now on, "rich text" will be more accurately referred to as "exploitive capitalist text".

2. The term "daemons" is a Judeo-Christian pejorative. Such processes will now be known as "spiritual guides."

3. There will no longer be a invidious distinction between "dumb" and "smart" terminals. All terminals are equally valuable.

4. Traditionally, "normal video" (as opposed to "reverse video") was white on black. This implicitly condoned European colonialism, particularly with respect to people of African descent. UNIX System VI now uses "regressive video" to refer to white on black, while "progressive video" can be any color at all over a white background.

5. For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of "root" and his "wheel" oligarchy. We have instituted a dictatorship of the users. All system administration functions will be handled by the People's Committee for Democratically Organizing the System (PC-DOS).

6. No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to be "owned" by users. All files and processes will own themselves, and decided how (or whether) to respond to requests from users.

7. The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17 Window System.

8. And finally, UNIX itself will be renamed "PC" - for Procreatively Challenged.