(Imagine a sweet, endearing voice.)

"Welcome to County Mental Health Services.

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1, repeatedly.

• If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

• If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

• If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line while we trace your call.

• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

• If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer."

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works."

"You've been diagnosed as having syphilis and two highly infectious Asian skin complaints," said the doctor. "You'll receive special treatment and a diet of pizza and pancakes."

"Thanks for the special treatment," said the patient, "but why the pizza and pancakes?"

"They're the only foods that can be shoved under the door."