British lawyers tell the story of a jury in New South Wales that was considering the matter of some stolen cows, about which the jurors certainly knew more than the court would ever learn. After deliberating, they returned a verdict of "Not guilty, if he returns the cows."

The judge was outraged at this insult to the law and threw them back out to think again.

Pigheaded and mutinous, they returned with a new verdict, "Not guilty -- and he doesn't have to return the cows."

1. Prove Darwin's theory that "any species' main goal is continued existance of the species" is a big crock o' hooey.

2. Don't have to put childproof cap on the bottle of Ripple.

3. Child care facilities sorely lacking at the convent.

4. Street value has dropped since revision of Tax Code.

5. You give birth to them, nurture them, educate them, show them the path of righteousness, and then what? Tattoos, bizarre hair, and a friggin' 11-game suspension!

6. You're married to Maury Povich.

7. You can tickle Elmo all you want! He's yours, all yours! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

8. Wild dingos never hang around your campsite.

9. Childbirth takes the wife out of gainful employment for several weeks, and Kathie Lee won't hire the kid for at least 3 or 4 years!

10. Wiping your own ass every day is traumatic enough, isn't it?

11. Not only do you *not* have to share your new Star Wars figures, you don't have to worry about anyone eating their guns.

12. Yet *another* change to piss off the Pope.

13. No guarantee that unborn child won't study science, go insane, and create unspeakable vivisected horrors that will rampage across the smoking ruins of our once verdant landscape, slaying everyone in their path with gigantic insectoid mandibles.

14. You can sit in the bathtub without impaling your butt on a Power Ranger.

15. Toys in the limo always getting under supermodels' feet.

    and the Number 1 Reason to Remain Childless...

16. Save your passenger-side airbag for bumping off short mother-in-law.