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Good thing I asked about the booze first!

My wife, ever the gracious hostess, was serving drinks at one of our parties over the Holidays. A friend of ours brought his brother who had just been ordained a Priest.

She offered the friend a drink from the tray and said, "I'm so sorry Father, I'll go right back to the kitchen and bring you a coke."

The Priest smiled and said "No need. I may have alcohol. Priests abstain from sex, not the grape."

"Oh !" said my wife blushing, embarrassed "I knew it was something I wasn't supposed to offer you."

Tips for DC Tourists

I got this from a friend, don't know the original author, but living in the DC area, this will be handy for the friends who come from out of town ...

Every year ga-zillions of visitors flock to the District of Columbia to soak up the majesty of the nation's capitol. You'll notice they stop frequently in heavy traffic to consult the map, hail taxis in the middle of the Teddy Roosevelt Bridge, drop ice cream on the Metro and leave it there, form lines for the Smithsonian buildings that Russians would eschew, and are generally clueless about how to live life in an expeditious way. Nevertheless, when they need assistance, they will turn to a Washingtonian for it. As an ambassador of the District, it is always nice to say something courteous:

Advice for tourists in DC:

Don't miss the weekly weenie roasts at the Eternal Flame

Find and use the dining car on the Metro

If the cab doesn't have a meter, you ride for free

Play a game of handball at the unique v-shaped black marble court on the mall by the Lincoln Memorial

Make sure to visit the 19th century French Impressionist "Scratch & Sniff" room at the National Gallery of Art

Give your dear, departed Fido or Tabby a suitable resting place at the Arlington National Cemetary--bring your own shovel

Help keep the nation's capital clean: after entering the Metro through the turnstyle, deposit your used fare card in the trash can

If you miss your exit on the Beltway, don't worry. Remember, it's a circle, so just keep on going around, and before you know it, you'll be back at your desired exit!

Trinkets are awarded to anyone who can get the Secret Service agents guarding the President to laugh

The best way to get to D.C. is to take the Capitol Beltway until you hit the Capitol.

Flashing floor lights in the Metro signal an oncoming earthquake. Run for your life!

Cheering is encouraged during oral arguments at the Supreme Court

Single women should not miss Dupont Circle, where you will find many very good-looking, unmarried men

For best results, crinkle up your dollar bills real good to "soften" them up before using the Metro card machines

When taking a taxi, ask to see as many "zones" as possible. This is a delightful way to see the city.

There's free parking for Ryder rental trucks next to the FBI Building

If you get thirsty while walking around town, stop in the Mayor's office or residence and ask for some Coke

To avoid blocking pedestrian traffic, press up real close to the person in front of you who is using the ATM

Going to the zoo? Don't forget to bring your swim trunks/suit for a refreshing dip in any of the zoo's conveniently located moats

Bring your clubs! Wednesday is ladies' day at Burning Tree

In all Metro stations, be sure to stop immediately at the top or bottom of each escalator and take a roll call of everyone in your party before proceeding.

ENJOY YOUR VISIT IN OUR FAIR CITY.

An AOL Dictionary (abridged)
by Jim Mica

AOL America On Line (TM) A grand scheme for democratizing the INTERNET. Let all the rabble participate, if they've got the money. Rumor has it that Rush Limbaugh, fer crying out loud, uses the service.
AoL America Off Line (SM) Opps, too many to handle. The service is about to crash...
AOL (as in AOL.COM) Cryptic address which marks the addressee as {probably} a bumptious newby who, like some icky younger sibling, will breathlessly proffer the electronic equivalent of a 5th generation photo-copy (identified by all them >>>>>>s in the text) of some tired old joke as hot new humor.
AOL (ca. 12/96) America On Line (TM) now with unlimited access for a set fee. Kinda reminds one of those old Nuclear Energy commercials where they said that electricity would become so cheap there would be no need to meter it! Too much of a good thing?
AOL Americans Outta Luck Thousands, nay millions, of them sitting there trying to get online and not being able to. Still, ya gotta wonder, just how many bought the service and installed the software without realizing that your computer needs to have a modem on it for you to get to the INTERNET?
AOL Americans Organizing Law Suits. That's the ticket! Finally the masses are revolting.

AOL	America On Line (TM) A grand scheme for democratizing the INTERNET. Let all the rabble participate, if they've got the money. Rumor has it that Rush Limbaugh, fer crying out loud, uses the service.
AoL	America Off Line (SM) Opps, too many to handle. The service is about to crash...
AOL	(as in AOL.COM) Cryptic address which marks the addressee as {probably} a bumptious newby who, like some icky younger sibling, will breathlessly proffer the electronic equivalent of a 5th generation photo-copy (identified by all them >>>>>>s in the text) of some tired old joke as hot new humor.
AOL	(ca. 12/96) America On Line (TM) now with unlimited access for a set fee. Kinda reminds one of those old Nuclear Energy commercials where they said that electricity would become so cheap there would be no need to meter it! Too much of a good thing?
AOL	Americans Outta Luck Thousands, nay millions, of them sitting there trying to get online and not being able to. Still, ya gotta wonder, just how many bought the service and installed the software without realizing that your computer needs to have a modem on it for you to get to the INTERNET?
AOL	Americans Organizing Law Suits. That's the ticket! Finally the masses are revolting.