Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: -- Responsibility makes me nervous.

• They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.

• Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.

• I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

• The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

• While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.

• I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

• Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.

• My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

• I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

• Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

• Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

• Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.

• Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.

• Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

• I'm a rabid typist.

• Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

VAIN: A person who loves the smell of his own farts

AMIABLE: A person who loves the smell of other people's farts

PROUD: A person who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine

SHY: A person who releases silent farts and then blushes

IMPUDENT: A person who boldly farts out loud and then laughs

UNFORTUNATE: A person who tries awfully hard to fart but shits instead

SCIENTIFIC: A person who farts regularly but is only concerned about pollution

NERVOUS: A person who stops in the middle of his fart

HONEST: A person who admits he farted but offers good medical reasons

DISHONEST: A person who farts and then blames the dog

FOOLISH: A person who suppresses a fart for hours and hours

THRIFTY: A person who has several good farts in reserve

ANTI-SOCIAL: A person who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy

STRATEGIC: A person who conceals his farts with loud coughing

SADISTIC: A person who farts in bed and then fluffs the cover over his bedmate.

INTELLECTUAL: A person who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart precisely the latest food item consumed

ATHLETIC: A person who farts at the slightest exertion

MISERABLE: A person who would truly love to, but can't fart at all

SENSITIVE: A person who farts and then starts crying