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GREETING CARDS UNSUCCESSFULLY MARKETED BY HALLMARK

Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real snippy.
I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...I'd say "Get well soon"...but I know it's incurable.
My tire was thumping....I thought it was flat....when I looked at the tire....I found your cat... Sorry!
You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one... of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.
Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...Don't fret about your wife though... She's moving in with me.
Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have installed... Win'95.
You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe it was... that case of Bud Dry
So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life... Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife.

Firm Grasp of the Obvious Department

From the Notebook pages of The New Republic 1995:

Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut The New York Times, November 22
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find The Los Angeles Times, November 2
'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
Alcohol ads promote drinking The Hartford Courant, November 18
Malls try to attract shoppers The Baltimore Sun, October 22
Official: Only rain will cure drought The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty Newsday, July 11
Man shoots neighbor with machete The Miami Herald, July 3
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows The New York Times, March 10
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies The Los Angeles Times, March 2
Scientists see quakes in L.A. future The Oregonian, January 28
Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning The Buffalo News, February 26
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25
Economist uses theory to explain economy Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8
Bible church's focus is the Bible Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994
Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6
Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity The Chicago Tribune, March 5
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear Journal of Commerce, April 20
Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2
Lack of brains hinders research The Columbus Dispatch, April 16
How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5
Fish lurk in streams Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29