This is my second favorite comedy movie of all-time, but it's also a big-budget special effects movie. Those Stay-Puft marshmallow men don't work cheap.

Glory

After the slaves were freed, blacks were finally able to join society. The first all-black Army regiment was formed in 1864 and, shortly after, the first all-black NBA basketball team was formed as well.

No one expects the all-black regiment to ever be granted permission to fight in the battles, but Broderick pulls a few strings and, viola, there they are, getting gunned down like cattle the next day. Only in America, I tell you.

Goldfinger

This movie has one of the most tense scenes in the entire James Bond series. Bond is tied down to a table while a laser is advances toward Bond's crotch... It's the Vasectomy of DEATH!

The Good Son

Or, more appropriately, The Bad Movie. Well, okay, it wasn't that bad, but it sure weren't that good either. The basic plot has that bratty Macaulay Culkin doing bad things like blowing his lines and shooting dogs with a slingshot... Is that why they call him Macaulay the Menace?

Graveyard Shift

This truly awful Stephen King adaptation has a group of workers cleaning out a factory's basement. They soon find themselves being picked off one by one by this huge mutant rat from the sewers. It came from raw sewage! As a matter of fact, so did this movie.

Greedy

It's a fairly interesting black [black as in dark (dark as in evil)] comedy about a rich old guy who's getting close to kicking the bucket, which can sometimes be lethal.

This might have turned out to be a pretty good movie if not for the multiple plot twists at the end, along with the gratuitous shot of Michael J. Fox's rear end. Like I don't already see enough butts on network TV already.

Halloween

One distinctive feature of this slasher movie is theme, by John Carpenter, that plays incessantly in the background until you feel like stabbing someone in the eye with a knitting needle yourself.

Halloween II

Killer Michael Meyers is still as slow as ever, but he manages to track down an injured Jamie Lee Curtis, who has enough time while being stalked to change her hair color from brown to blond.

This time we finally find out why Meyers is so bent on killing Jamie Lee... and no, it's not because she's a bad actress.

Halloween V: The Return of Michael Myers

In this sequel to the sequel's sequel, we learn Michael somehow escaped into a sewer manhole (in the middle of the cemetery?!) and has since changed the spelling of his last name from Meyers to Myers in order to throw off the authorities.

And his niece, Jamie, has gone mute and has a "telepathic bond" with Michael (Myers, not Jackson!), so whenever Michael kills someone, she starts convulsing violently and screams -- silent screams, of course, because she's mute. That's funny, the same thing happened to me when I heard the Halloween theme for the millionth time in this movie.

And Dr. Loomis continues to rant and rave about how Michael is "evil on two legs." And every time he sees a dog, he calls it "evil with a wet nose" and whenever he sees a cat, he calls it "evil in a litterbox."

Halloween VI: The Curse of Michael Myers

I saw this movie its second week in release with a crowd of about seven people. You know attendance for a horror movie is bad when the body count in the movie is more than the head count in the theater.

Myers comes after the family that now lives in his old house. Can you imagine a realtor showing off that house? "And in this very room a naked woman was stabbed in her bed after making love to her boyfriend. Keep in mind that's actual blood. This would make the perfect place for you and the Mrs. to build a shrine to Satan."

Mike finishes off the partying college son, who is killed while getting out of the shower. Mike hands him a towel first, though. Say what you will about Michael Myers, but at least he's a polite mass- murderer.

The Hard Way

L.L. Cool J plays a cop in this movie. That may be the reason he sings "Mama Said You Have the Right to Remain Silent" on the movie's soundtrack.

Heat

Heat is a dark, gritty movie where people are shot point blank with machine guns for talking. If only the ushers would do that to noisy theater patrons...

Housesitter

This Steve Martin-Goldie Hawn flick is amusing, but I can't endorse a movie about pathological liars. And I told that to Steve Martin himself. Yeah, me and Steve are good friends, but Steve wouldn't listen to me, so I took it straight to the top. That's right, Clinton, another personal friend. Only Bill wasn't there at the time, so I went to the North Pole instead, to tell Santa about the problem, but before I got there, I was kidnapped by the ghost of Hitler. Fortunately, I was rescued by a flying unicorn... Okay, I admit it. I'm lying... It wasn't really a unicorn, it was a Pegasus.

The Hudsucker Proxy

I was going to watch this movie on Cinemax last summer, but it was bumped at the last minute for the premiere showing of the adult movie parody of Forrest Gump, entitled Torrid Hump. "Life is like a woman's naked chest. All the pleasure is yours if you just take hold of it."

I Love You to Death

It's another wacky comedy about the guy who just won't die. His wife shoots him, laces his spaghetti with arsenic, etc., but he thinks he has a case of the flu. Of course, The Doctors' Book of Home Remedies lists profuse bleeding and bullet holes as flu symptoms. You know the old saying: "starve a cold and shoot a fever."

In the Army Now

Lori Petty plays a soldier who manages to stay sexy despite her shapeless uniform, crew cut and deep voice... Come to think of it, Fred's a pretty weird name for a girl.

Interview With the Vampire

The script is peppered with intellectual prose obviously drawn straight from Rice's novel. It does sound a little strange coming from the mouths of Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt, much like a fraternity production of "Macbeth" ("Et tu, dude?"), but if you've ever had a fantasy about Pitt eating a poodle (and please keep it to yourself if you have), Interview With the Vampire is the movie you've been waiting for.

Jimmy Hollywood

It purports to be a comedy but instead comes off as a self- righteous insider commentary on the tranformation of Hollywood from a glamourous wonderland to a crime-ridden drug dealer's haven, from the headquarters of brilliant, classic films to a factory for bland, cookie-cutter trash... this movie, for example.

Junior

Arnold Schwarzenegger is a scientist who invents a product to ease the pains of pregnancy, but since the FDA won't approve the testing of the drug on expectant mother, Arnold decides to become pregnant himself. (Oh, of course.) So he fertilizes an anonymous donor egg with his own donor sperm (one word: yuck) and implants it somewhere... oh, down by his stomach. Just where isn't important. It's a movie, remember.

Kramer vs. Kramer

Just an observation -- put the Dustin Hoffman movies Kramer vs. Kramer and Tootsie together and you have Mrs. Doubtfire.

A League of Their Own

Every time I really enjoy a movie, I feel inspired to go out and do the same thing. I'm going to get a sex-change operation, go back in time about fifty years and join an all-woman baseball team with a drunk manager and Geena Davis and Madonna for teammates. Movies just have that much of an effect on me... Don't even ask what happened when I saw the movie Whore.

License to Kill

How can one man have sex with three beautiful women and defuse an atomic bomb in every movie? Even the most suave amongst us would have sex with an atomic bomb and defuse three beautiful women by mistake every once in awhile.

This was Timothy Dalton's second and final appearance as 007 and good riddance to him, I say. Sure, he's not a bad Bond, but let's face it -- any rugged-looking white guy with dark hair could do a decent James Bond. Hell, people would even pay to see Regis Philbin in the role. And Kathie Lee could play Octocody.

Life Stinks

And so does this movie.

Little Shop of Horrors

Seymour has to commit murder to feed a giant blood-eating plant. The plant promises Seymour fame and fortune if he keeps up with the killing which, if I'm not mistaken, is the same way Reagan originally gained his fame.

Little Women

In this adaptation of the 19th century novel, Winona Ryder gives a great performance... In fact, they almost retitled it Slavery Bites.

Live and Let Die

This has more black people than the other seventeen Bond movies combined. It's kind of sad, actually, to have to hear James Bond being referred to as "honkey" and "cue ball" while in Harlem. You wouldn't think a white guy would get that kind of treatment in Harlem, but oh how the times have changed. This dramatic shift in focus is most likely the result of Louis Farrakhan replacing David Duke as executive producer of the Bond series.

Solitaire, Bond's third girl of the movie, is a Tarot card reader. Bond stacks a deck of cards with "The Lovers" in an attempt to poke her. (Get it? Cards. Poker.) He takes her virginity away, which in turn takes away her magical ability to read the future. She should have seen it coming, I say.

Look Who's Talking Now

It seems to me that Kirstie Alley's post-"Cheers" movie career is going in about the same direction as Shelley Long's. It's only a matter of time before she hits the movie-of-the-week circuit and starts hosting "Saturday Night Live" every three months for no reason... Oops, too late.

Made in America

The premise of this movie centers around a sperm bank -- member FDIC[K].

Madonna: Innocence Lost

Over the course of this movie, Madonna does it with at least five different guys, one of whom is only sixteen years old, bringing up the inevitable question--Where was I when the auditions were held?!

The woman who plays Madonna doesn't look or sound anything like the big M. For starters, she wears clothes most of the time.

Manhattan Murder Mystery

This film marked a comeback of sorts for Woody Allen, who's planning a sequel to this movie with Soon-Yi entitled Indiana Incest Incident.

Meatballs

Your first clue this movie will be pretty low on sophistication is a nerdy counselor named Spazz who Bill Murray says is a sex machine. Too bad there's no warranty on parts.

Memoirs of an Invisible Man

The special effects are great, but they throw in a lot of extra gimmicks like Chase inhaling cigarette smoke into his lungs and his stomach digesting food. I turned the movie off before the food went any farther down the digestive tract.

Men at Work

Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez star as trashmen who find a dead body in a trashcan one Monday morning. How believable is this? I mean, we all know dead bodies can't go in trashcans, they have to be tied in string. And bulky trash is only picked up on Thursdays.

Mo' Money

The beautiful Stacey Dash plays a credit card company secretary Damon is in love with, and is as good here as she was in Clueless (liked the cast, hated the movie). I would like to know just how old Miss Dash is, because here she's playing an office employee and three years later she played a 16-year-old high school girl. You do the math there.

Moonraker

Instead of shooting James Bond into space and calling the movie Moonraker, the producers originally planned to pit 007 against an evil groundskeeper and call the movie Leafraker.

Satellites containing nerve gas are sent to destroy the earth's population. Not a bad idea, but I'd personally extinguish the human race by showing them life-sized nude pictures of Bea Arthur.

The Muppets Take Manhattan

Kermit and the gang are off to new York to try to get their little musical put on Broadway. They soon discover Times Square patrons aren't really that interested in fully-clothed singing animals. So while Kermit tries to find a play producer who will put them on Broadway, the Muppets all have to get jobs in New York. I tell you, the things those muppets will do for money. I thought the Miss Piggy topless bar scene was pretty interesting.

Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear

Some people just don't respect nature or the environment. These people make me sick. I think they should be taken out and shot! ...Boy, is it cold in here! Better throw another bald eagle on the fire.

The Net

With all the hype about the Internet over the past few years, it was inevitable a series of movies exploiting the phenomenon would be rushed out before you could say "cybersex." I've surfed the Net myself and been asked countless times if I am "M or F," to which I always respond, "I'm a sexy MF." It's always good to keep a little ambiguity in a conversation.

The final chase directly copies The Fugitive's ending, but they had to substitute alternate dialogue when they realized having Bullock yell out "I didn't kill my wife!" just wouldn't work.

Never Say Never Again

Bond is reactivated as a double-o agent, only to be shipped off to a health farm to purge him of his ancient habits of eating red meat and drinking martinis shaken not stirred -- when we all know it's so much better for your body to have them stirred and not shaken.

Nine Months

Hugh Grant plays a successful child psychiatrist. Why a child psychologist? So the scriptwriters could inject the following unfunny exchange:

KID: My dad's an asshole.
GRANT (flutters eyelashes, offers a nervous smile, then responds in his annoying English accent and I-think-I-actually-have- talent attitude): Could you possibly elaborate on that?
KID: My dad's a huge asshole. More like a Hugh asshole.

No Escape

One interesting thing about this movie is that there are absolutely no women in it. All we see is hundreds of men living together, year after year. That should give you a pretty good idea of why this movie was held over in San Francisco theaters for nearly a year.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service

This is the only James Bond film to star George Lazenby, who doesn't quite cut the mustard as 007. He does cut the cheese a few times, though, to the disgust of the other characters.

One Magic Christmas

One year around Christmastime, an angel appears to save a little girl from the path of a speeding car. Gideon's the guy's name, and -- get this -- he's working for Santa Claus. I guess he was laid off by God or something. Divine downsizing.

Parenthood

Everyone's dysfunctional in this movie. Rick Moranis is pressuring his daughter to learn at an early age. She's reciting the Periodic Table of Elements at the age of four. Geez, even I didn't do that until age six.

PCU

This is a cheap ripoff of Animal House. Of course, a comparison the two films would be an exercise in futility, like comparing the Beatles and Weezer.

Pocahontas

This Disney cartoon takes pains to present the most politically-correct portrayal of Native Americans possible, despite having a heroine that looks like Cindy Crawford and ignoring obvious historical facts. For starters, the real Pocahontas was around twelve when she met John Smith but I don't see any "Pedophelia" song and dance number. Smith didn't come over until the third Jamestown excursion, after all the original colonists were dying of dysentery (again, a song-and-dance number they left out), and he sure didn't look like Mel Gibson. Imagine the pairing of John Goodman and Christina Ricci and there's your real-life romance.

Point of No Return

Bridget Fonda stars in this movie about a ruthless and incorrigible cop-killer who is sentenced to death. The government fakes her execution, however, thinking with her qualifications they could put her to work as a post office employee.

Police Academy: Mission to Moscow

I can't say I didn't expect the movie to be this bad, because once I saw the copy on the back of the box that read, "Kicking butt- ski! Making you laugh-ski! The Academy is back-ski!" I knew it wouldn't be up for any Oscars. If the most clever thing you can come up with to describe a movie set in Russia is to put the suffix "-ski" on every word, your sense of humor-ski is underdeveloped-ski.

Prom Night

This prom night massacre was no big shock to me, since my own prom night was a much worse horror. Compared to going dateless in a size 48 tux and spending the night eating gourmet cheez-whiz crackers while watching everyone else slow dance, a bloody head on the floor is a night in heaven.

Psycho II

Norman Bates returns to the Bates Motel to find the new manager has turned the Bates into a dive for fornicating druggies. Norman protests, saying he won't stand for such immorality. Why, he remembers the good old days, when the Bates was a place for peeping toms to watch women taking showers and later stab them to death.

Pulp Fiction

A few featured items in this movie are a leather-clad bondage junkie called "The Gimp," a bloody headless body in the back seat of a car, an anal rape scene and glimpses of frontal nudity... Wait, those are my notes for The Brady Bunch Movie.

Pumpkinhead

Unless you are in the mood for something completely devoid of any entertaining value, I strongly recommend staying farther than a pumpkin's throw away from this movie.

The Radioland Murders

This dreadful movie stars Brian Benben from "Dream On," the same two words his agent told him when Brian said he wanted to star in a decent movie.

Return of the Jedi

Movie three in the Star Wars trilogy continues the saga of Jedi knight Luke Skywalker, played by Mark Hamill, now the star of multiple Cinemax late-night skin flicks. What a light saber on that guy!

Skywalker this time is up against Jabba the Hutt, a huge, revolting mass of flab who runs the organized crime of the universe. Kind of like Marlon Brando from The Godfather, only slightly more attractive.

Rear Window

While looking out his window with binoculars, Jimmy Stewart thinks he sees Raymond Burr killing his wife. If Burr does end up going to trial for the murder, he won't have to look far for a good lawyer. After all, he knows Perry Mason personally.

Rookie of the Year

This movie stars a a 12-year-old kid whose voice has more cracks than an episode of "NYPD Blue."

Roommates

Peter Falk's performance is what made the movie. Falk pleasantly surprised me here, permanently earning my respect, so all you "Columbo" fans who think I live to insult the guy can just falk off.

Rumble in the Bronx

If you like good action, you'll enjoy the movie. And if you like to watch really bad movies and laugh at them, you'll like it too. I mean, where else can you see a guy trounce an entire room full of gang members, then turn to them and announce, in a dubbed, monotone voice, "You people are the scum of the earth"? I mean besides a Bob Dole campaign rally.

Sabrina

It's toward the end, with all the rapid-fire plot twists that the movie tries to jerk around our emotions. I walked out of the theater asking all sorts of questions about why those characters waffled more in the last twenty minutes than President Clinton and a family-sized box of Eggo's combined.

The big surprise of the movie is the performance by talk show host Greg Kinnear, who claims to have had no prior acting experience, although pretending to tolerate Richard Simmons when he comes on your show is Emmy-quality as far as I'm concerned.

Seven

Seven is a stylish thriller you should be able to follow even if you haven't seen One through Six.

Sex and the Single Girl

Tony Curtis plays a sleazy magazine reporter who is writing a story about whether Natalie Wood, the sexologist who wrote the book Sex and the Single Girl, based the material in her book on... well... you know... personal research. Basically, he wants to know if Natalie would.

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

Peter Frampton and The Bee Gees play a band that gets discovered and signs a long-term contract after an orgy at the record producer's house. You haven't lived until you've been to a Bee Gee orgy.

The Shining,

Jack Nicholson pays a writer gone insane. Even without his nine-iron, Jack's still really scary. But don't take my word for it. I'm frightened of the Pillsbury dough boy.

Sleepless in Seattle

I liked this movie. Sure, it's a chick flick, but then again, I've always felt like a man trapped in a woman's body... or was it the other way around?

Rosie O'Donnell is also in this movie as Meg Ryan's best friend. O'Donnell's great. What can I say? I like my women like I like my peanut butter -- chunky.

So I Married an Axe-Murderer

This was supposed to be Mike Myers' big chance to prove he could act. Let's see, his Wayne's World character constantly says "Excellent!" and the Axe-Murderer character punctuates the end of his sentences by yelling "Hello!" There's your comic diversity, mister.

Something to Talk About

This movie is nothing to talk about. Julia Roberts plays a strong southern woman who leaves her husband (Dennis Quaid) after discovering he cheated on her. The only memorable scene in the entire movie comes as Roberts stands up in the middle of a local civic club meeting after her husband's mistress talks and says, "I just wanted to know if anyone else here has f---ed my husband." Meg Ryan wisely keeps her mouth shut.

The Specialist

Sharon Stone and Sylvester Stallone heat up the screen in this one. But, if anything, the romantic dialogue is just as entertaining as the actual consummation:

STONE: Can't you see I want you, you sexy man?
STALLONE: Uhhhhh...
STONE: Come over here, baby.
STALLONE: Uhhhhh...
STONE: Take me now, you hunk.
STALLONE: Uhhhhh... Well, you get the picture.

Splash

There is no more far-fetched movie on the planet. Imagine, Daryl Hannah falling in love with Tom Hanks. It's absurd. And -- oh yeah -- she's a mermaid. But due to an abnormal phase of the moon, Hannah has legs for a week, as long as no one gets her wet... You know what I mean!

The Spy Who Loved Me

SPECTRE's latest threat is a madman who kidnaps two nuclear submarines, one Russian and one American, in an attempt to destroy the civilized world as we know it and begin an underwater society. This is somebody who went a little too far after seeing The Little Mermaid. I know the shell bra is a real turn-on, but give me a break.

Ringo Starr is the luckiest bastard on earth. First his talentless ass got to be in the greatest rock and roll band ever, then he married one of the hottest ladies of the 70's (Barbara Bach), now he gets to eat his pizza crust first! We should all be so fortunate.

Stakeout

Detective Richard Dreyfuss' makes an incognito trip to the woman's house as the "phone company repairman," which ignites a passionate romance between them. Of course, in TV airings of the movie, the love scene where he asks her if she wants it "touchtone or rotary" is usually cut out.

Star Trek Generations

We do see the death of Captain Kirk in Generations. At least Kirk gets to bid Captain Picard a tearful farewell, his last words being something about letting Picard keep the $20 deposit if he gets Kirk's rental hairpiece back to the store before midnight.

The "Next Generation" crew is out to stop a guy who wants to jump through a trans-dimensional ribbon into a place where you get to relive all your good memories. It's called the Nexus world and fine hair-care products are sold there.

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

The Enterprise crew goes back in time to steal two hump- backed whales, a species extinct in the 23rd century, and get them back to the future so they can repopulate the species. The whole time- travel thing gets kind of complicated, though, when Captain Kirk's mom falls in love with him and Christopher Lloyd can't fix the DeLorean... Oops, wrong movie.

Captain Kirk harbors an attraction for a whale trainer at the local aquatic park but she shoots him down with the line "I refuse to make love to a man with a dead muskrat on his head."

That Night

Set in the early 60's, That Night focuses on a 12-year-old girl beginning the journey to womanhood. What else would explain a scene where three young girls rub Miracle Cream on their chests? That reminds me -- don't watch this movie after a big meal.

Juliette Lewis carries on a forbidden romance with bowling alley employee C. Thomas Howell. Don't ask about the weird stains on lane 12...

Toy Story

Don Rickles plays Mr. Potatohead devoid of his usual insensitive, politically-incorrect demeanor... Rickles, not Mr. Potatohead -- although Potatohead's been known to crack an anti-egg joke every now and then too.

Trading Places

After losing everything he owns, Dan Aykroyd still manages to hold onto his dignity with the help of street hooker Jamie Lee Curtis, who will hold onto your dignity too for fifty bucks

Trapped in Paradise

It's a comedy of errors. Everyone who decides to watch this comedy has made a grave error.

A View to a Kill

Roger Moore just doesn't seem too enthusiastic about being the single most indestructible babe magnet on the planet this time around. Of course, I wouldn't be able to manfacture much enthusiasm either if I had to sleep with Grace Jones. Jones, the least feminine woman out there, plays the musclebound villain May Day. Her name, of course, comes from the phrase shouted by every man who's ever seen her topless.

Weird Science

Two high school dorks create their ideal woman on a computer. For some unexplained reason, the program works and their dream girl is real... one of the perks of Windows '85, I guess.

What's Eating Gilbert Grape

There's definitely a lot eating at Gilbert Grape, played masterfully by Johnny Depp, who's finally done us a favor and trimmed those long, scissor-like fingernails of his.

Wolf

Jack Nicholson "marks his territory" here with a good thriller/horror film about a businessman who finds his life changing after being bitten by a wolf. Nicholson cavorts with the boss' daughter, the lovely Michelle Pfeiffer. He wins her heart buy bringing her a dead rabbit in his mouth for Valentine's Day... Who would have thought, the Joker and Catwoman together at last?

You Only Live Twice

What cracked me up in the first few movies I watched was that even the women who hated James Bond and were out to kill him still ended up in the sack with him, not to mention all the women he just met who stopped everything to get horizontal with him. When you calculate three woman a movie times seventeen movies and figure in the statistic that 25% of people in the world carry some sort of venereal disease, Bond should have more than enough to mix, match and trade with his friends. Not to mention all the illegitimate 003 1/2's he's fathered around the world.

Zelig

Woody Allen plays Leonard Zelig, an enigmatic man of the 1920's who was a human chameleon, changing races and personalities to match the people he was around. Mia Farrow is the psychiatrist convinced she can cure him. The two start out with a professional relationship and move on to a physical one, until he runs off with her adopted Asian daughter.