I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, Just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It make the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.

Try a little kindness. As little as possible.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

Ah, the thrill of modern dance! The sweeping musical majesty, the joy of poetic motion, the challenge of stuffing a dollar bill into a bouncing bikini brief...

How much of a tip to leave in a restaurant is always a controversial question. I usually recommend half a crouton, or for special service, throw in that little sprig of parsley.

Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

Men are like small children. You bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it.

I love playing cards with children. They can't tell you're dealing off the bottom of the deck.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kinda foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em!

Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar... Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.

A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.

If they lined up all the men in the world... it would be one goofy line.

If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.

Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it... that's everything!

Men are like buses. They have spare tires and smell funny.

Last night I was in the mood to see something silly and idiotic on TV. So I put the cat there.

I don't know about art, but I know what makes me say, "$2000 for that piece of junk?! Are you nuts?!"

People who live in glass houses shouldn't cavort nude on top of the piano doing gorilla impersonations.

A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.

If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my cat.

Strangers are friends you haven't bled for an easy twenty yet.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely.

Somewhere, over the rainbow... that's where the airline will find my luggage.

The best laid plans of mice and men are worth just as much.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel... it's cheaper than plastic surgery.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.

I've found a sure way to relieve office stress:

Step 1: take a deep breath

Step 2: count to 10.

Step 3: set the boss's wastebasket on fire.

1. on the highway in Sheboygan outside Fresno at a truck stop on probation in a jail cell in a nightmare incognito in the Stone Age in a treehouse in a gay bar

2. in September at McDonald's ridin' shotgun wrestlin' gators all hunched over poppin' uppers sort of pregnant with some joggers stoned on oatmeal with Merv Griffin dead all over

3. that purple dress that little hat that burlap bra those training pants the stolen goods that plastic nose the Stassin pin the neon sign that creepy smile the hearing aid the boxer shorts

She was ______ _____,
                  (4)         (5)

4. sobbin' at the toll booth drinkin' Dr. Pepper weighted down with Twinkies breakin' out with acne crawlin' through the prairie smellin' kind of funny crashin' through the guardrail chewin' on a hangnail talkin' in Swahili drownin' in the quicksand slurpin' up linguini

5 in the twilight but I loved her by the off-ramp near Poughkeepsie with her cobra when she shot me on her elbows with Led-Zeppelin with Miss Piggy with a wetback in her muu-muu

and I knew _______. _______ I'd ______ forever;
                      (6)             (7)                  (8)

6. no guy would ever love her more that she would be an easy score she'd bought her dentures in a store that she would be a crashing bore I'd never rate her more than "4" they'd hate her guts in Baltimore it was a raven, nothing more we really lost the last World War I'd have to scrape her off the floor what strong deodorants were for that she was rotten to the core that I would upchuck on the floor

7. I promised her I knew deep down She asked me if I told her shrink The judge declared My Pooh Bear said I shrieked in pain The painters knew A Klingon said My hamster thought The blood test showed Her rabbi said

8. stay with her warp her mind swear off booze change my sex punch her out live off her have my rash stay a dwarf hate her dog pick my nose play "Go Fish" salivate

She said to me ____. But who'd have thought she'd ___________
                           (9)                                                             (10)

9. our love would never die there was no other guy man wasn't meant to fly that Nixon didn't lie her basset hound was shy that Rolaids made her high she'd have a swiss on rye she loved my one blue eye her brother's name was Hy she liked "Spy vs. Spy" that birthdays made her cry she couldn't stand my tie

10. run off wind up boogie yodel sky dive turn green freak out blast off make it black out bobsled grovel

___________; _________ goodbye.
          (11)                (12)

11. with my best friend in my Edsel on a surfboard on "The Gong Show" with her dentist on her "Workmate" with a robot with no clothes on at her health club in her Maytag with her guru while in labor

12. You'd think at least that she'd have said I never had the chance to say She told her fat friend Grace to say I now can kiss my credit cards I guess I was too smashed to say I watched her melt away and sobbed She fell beneath the wheels and cried She sent a hired thug to say She freaked out on the lawn and screamed I pushed her off the bridge and waved But that's the way that pygmies say She sealed me in the vault and smirked

{TWANG, TWANG, TWANG!}