1. The Cat in the Blender

2. Are You My Proctologist?

3. Fox in Detox

4. Who Shat in the Hat?

5. Horton Feels a Ho

6. The Lemon-Fresh Lorax

7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day

8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?

9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil

10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch

11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!

12. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert

13. The Bitch Set Me Up

14. I've Fallen---And I Can't Get Up!

15. Yentl the Lentil

16. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket

17. Aunts in My Pants

18. Hop On Mom

19. Oh, the Place You'll Scratch and Sniff!

20. Horton Fakes an Orgasm

21. The Grinch's Ten Inches

Pessimist : Sees the hole, not the doughnut.

Realist : Sees both the doughnut and the hole.

Diplomat : Talks through the hole.

Dreamer : Only cares for the icing on the doughnut.

English Teacher : Checks the spelling of "doughnut."

Baker : His job is to make the doughnut.

Brady : His job is to make dough for Uncle Sam.

Mathematician : Is only interested in the topological properties of the doughnut.

Programmer : Worries that the crumbs will fall between the keys on the keyboard.

FORTRAN Programmer : Name "DOUGHNUT" too long.

COBOL Programmer : DOUGHNUT PICTURE 'O'.

Prolog Programmer : What is the domain of the doughnut?

BASIC Programmer : ? "doughnut";

PL/1 Programmer : DO NUT = ...

C Programmer : (void) doughnut()

Material Res. MTS : Invents new materials for making doughnut.

Astrophysicist : Postulates new doughnut hole in NGC256 galaxy.

NASA physicist : Recalls doughnut he forgot on the Hubble telescope.

Transmission Engr : Worries about how he can send you the doughnut.

Traffic Engr : Worries about how many he can send at one time.

Provisioning Engr : Worries about how to pack them in a box.

Planning Engr : Opens refrigerator to check how many there are.

Corporate Assets : Puts a barcode on the doughnut.

Project Manager : Worries about doughnut deliverable dates.

Businessman : One who sells you the doughnut.

Successful Businessman : One who takes the money, making you think that you already have the doughnut.

Very Successful Businessman : Makes you pay for the hole too.

User : Wants a doughnut.

Systems Engineer : Writes specifications for a bagel.

Systems Developer : Produces a tire tube. Then we plan for Release 2.

Capitalism : You buy a doughnut.

Socialism : The State gives you a doughnut.

Communism : The State sells you a doughnut.

Soviet Communism : The State sells you a doughnut, only there aren't any.

Labour Party Socialism : The State sells you a doughnut, only there aren't any, and it's all the Tories' fault.

Trades Union socialism : The State sells you a doughnut, and you go on strike.

Marxism : The State takes your doughnut away and gives it to someone who hasn't got a doughnut.

Stalinism : The State takes your doughnut away, eats it, and tells you that they gave it to someone who hadn't got a doughnut.

Bureaucracy : The State takes your doughnut away and then refuses to let you buy another doughnut because you already have one.

Fascism : The Storm-troopers eat your doughnut and shoot you.

Thascism : You sell a doughnut and buy a bigger doughnut.

Thatcher : Nutritionally, Doughnuts are up 50% in real terms over the doughnuts produced during the last Labour government, etc.

Kinnock : Nutritionally, Doughnuts are down 50% in real terms over the doughnuts produced during the last Labour government, etc.

Edwina Currie : Doughnuts are infected with salmonella, tarantella, cinderella, valpolicella, winecella, rockefella etc.

Church of England : You know, in a very real sense, God is a doughnut.

Buddhism : God is a doughnut, and God is not a doughnut.

Confuscianism : Confuscius he say doughnut.

Zen : What is the sound of one doughnut clapping?

Fundamentalism : Doughnuts are an abomination unto the Lord, etc.

Dictatorship : Buy a doughnut, or else.

Mis-spelt : U bi er donut an u eet itt.

Scottish Nationalist : Ye wanna knaa aboot doughnuts? It's cos of they bastard English, that's why, an' fuck off the noo.

Welsh Nationalist : Onid oes chwarae maesteg doughnut llanfairpwll defaid.

Feminist : Wimmin, doughnut, repressed, sisters, male dominated, etc.

Loony : You are a doughnut. I am a doughnut. I am not a doughnut.

Poetry : You are/a doughnut./I am/a doughnut./I am/not /a doughnut.

Football : 'Ere we dough, 'ere we dough, 'ere we dough, 'ere we dough, etc.

Swimming : Blug blug blug blug fluffle doughnublug blug.