Like some spongy rock,
a granite, my piece of spam
In sunlight on my plate

Oh Argentina!
Your little tin of meat soars,
Above the pampas

The color of spam
Is natural as the sky;
a block of sunrise

Little slab of meat
In a wash of clear jelly
Now I heat the pan

Oh tin of pink meat
I ponder what you may be;
snout or ear or feet?

In the cool morning
I fry up a slab of Spam
A dog barks next door

Pink tender morsel,
Glistening with salty gel.
What the hell is it?

Ears, snouts and innards,
A homogeneous mass.
Pass another slice.

Cube of cold pinkness
Yellow specks of porcine fat.
Give me a spork please.

Old man seeks doctor.
"I eat SPAM daily", he says.
Angioplasty.

Highly unnatural,
The tortured shape of this "food".
A small pink coffin.

Hannibal Lecter
Eats livers, but no pig snouts.
Silence of the Spams.

What is more awful
Than the sound of squishing Spam?
A Kenny G tune.

Wedding catered by
Hormel. Reception marred by
Sudden illnesses.

Coincidentally, we had recently been corresponding with a Professor Soya, of Tokyo, who had discovered two such Haiku's in a fourteenth century manuscript by Sashimi, a famous warrior monk and his Buddhist nun consort, Sushi. How mysterious this universe is!

Here's the one by Sushi:

Slicing your sweet self
Salivating in suspense
Sizzle, sizzle... Spam

Here is Sashimi's:

Pink beefy Temptress
I can no longer remain,
Vegetarian

Note:
The text of the first line seems to be corrupt. Other readings are "Pink porky Temptress" and also "Pink SNOUTY Temptress" (Saito, Transcendental Buddhist Poetry of Medieval Japan, 1956, p. 384).

The following provides you with a few reasons why:

STRESS HELPS YOU SEEM IMPORTANT.
Anyone as stressed as you must be working very hard and, therefore, is probably doing something very crucial.

IT HELPS YOU TO MAINTAIN PERSONAL DISTANCE AND AVOID INTIMACY.
Anyone as busy as you are certainly can't be expected to form emotional attachments to anyone. And let's face it, you're not much fun to be around anyway.

IT HELPS YOU AVOID RESPONSIBILITIES.
Obviously you're too stressed to be given any more work. This gets you off the hook for all the mundane chores; let someone else take care of them.

IT GIVES YOU A CHEMICAL RUSH.
Stress might be considered a cheap thrill, and you can give yourself a "hit" anytime you choose. But be careful, you might get addicted to your own adrenaline.

IT HELPS YOU AVOID SUCCESS.
Why risk being "successful" when by simply staying stressed you can avoid all of that? Stress can keep your performance level low enough that success won't ever be a threat.

STRESS ALSO LETS YOU KEEP YOUR AUTHORITARIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE.
The authoritarian style of "Just do what I say!" is generally permissible under crisis conditions. If you maintain a permanently stressed crisis atmosphere, you can justify an authoritarian style all the time.

Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? You'll have no trouble if you practice the following clinically proven methods:

NEVER EXERCISE.
Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.

EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT.
Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn't likely to.

GAIN WEIGHT.
Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.

TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS.
The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.

AVOID "WOO-WOO" PRACTICES.
Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to reduce stress. The Protestant work ethic is good for everyone, Protestant or not.

GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM.
Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.

PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM.
Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don't take time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!

THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR.
Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn't be treated as one.

MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE - BE MACHO.
Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!

BECOME A WORKAHOLIC.
Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.

DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS.
Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.

PROCRASTINATE.
Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress.

WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL.
Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approching Ice Age, you know, all the big issues.

BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS...
...and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or inadequate when you don't meet them."