In a Tokyo Hotel:
"Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis."

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."

In a Leipzig elevator:
"Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
"To more the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order."

In a Paris hotel elevator:
"Please leave your values at the front desk."

In a hotel in Athens:
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the fob of the chambermaid."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."

Outside a Paris dress shop:
"Dresses for street walking."

In and advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
"We take your bags and send them in all directions."

In an Acapulco hotel:
"The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

Captain Kirk dolls are importable; Mr. Spock, being half-Vulcan, falls under the quota.

Illegal aliens from outer space!

British Customs Officials Consider Mr. Spock Dolls to Be Illegal Aliens
By Dana Milbank Staff Reporter of The Wall Street Journal

LONDON -- Beam me up, Scotty. The European Union bureacracy has gone mad.

EU officials in Brussels, on their continuing mission to boldly go where no government has gone before, have applied the Vulcan death grip to Star Trek hero Spock. Likenesses of the pointy-eared Spock and of other "nonhuman creatures" have fallen victim to an EU quota on dolls made in China.

As part of an effort to establish Pan-European quotas on various products, the EU Council of Ministers in February slapped a quota equivalent to $81.7 million on nonhuman dolls from China. But it left human dolls alone.

This has put British customs officials in the unusual position of debating each doll's humanity. So far, they have blacklisted popular nonhuman dolls Noddy and Big Ears; they've cleared Batman and Robin. Although they've turned away Spock because of his Vulcan origins, they will admit Star Trek's Captain Kirk. Teddy bears have also fallen to the quotas.

The EU's actions seem even more extraterrestrial because Europe's toy makers, the supposed beneficiaries of the quotas, oppose the protection. EU companies make doll accessories from imported Chinese toys and fear they will lose $200 million in business and 500 jobs.

"The whole thing is a great bungle," says Peter Waterman of the Toy Manufacturers of Europe and the British Toy and Hobby Association. "It seems very strange that we should have customs officials involved in a discussion of whether Mr. Spock is an alien or human being."

Britain filed a lawsuit in June with the European Court of Justice to overturn the quotas. Last month, the EU trade commissioner tried to settle the spat, but in deference to Spanish support for the quotas, "he only managed it for teddy bears," an EU spokesman says.

Star Trek fans say the governments should not be meddling with the final frontier. Dan Madsen, president of Star Trek: The Official Fan Club in Colorado, said the customs officials "ought to cut Spock some slack" because his mother, Amanda, was human.

But Britain's customs office is standing firm on Spock. "We see no reason to change our interpretation," says customs spokesman Dez Barratt-Denyer. "You don't find a human with ears that size."