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Drunken Leper

So anyway, this leper goes into a bar. And this guy is in a really advanced state of decay, you know, like the werewolf's friend in American Werewolf in London, towards the end of the movie...

Anyhow, he goes into this bar, sits down at the bar and says to the bartender, "Look, before I order, I'd like you to know that I'm aware of how my appearance affects some people, and I'll fully understand it if you refuse to serve me."

The bartender, who is looking a little pasty-faced, says, "No, sir, I am a professional, and you are my customer. It is my pleasure to serve you. What would you like?"

"A shot of whiskey, if it's not too much trouble."

"Coming right up, sir."

The bartender pours the drink, then goes to the area behind the bar, ostensibly to wash some glasses, but the leper can hear him puking his guts out.

When the bartender returns a moment later, wiping the corner of his mouth with a rag, the leper says, "Look, I told you I would understand. You didn't have to go through that for my sake!"

To which the bartender replied, "I know that, sir, and I would like to assure you that I would have had no trouble, but for the last 5 minutes or so, the drunk next to you has been dipping his crackers in your arm."

Vinegar & Water

This guy walks into a bar and sees another haggy looking girl across the bar.

He shouts "bartender! give that douche bag a drink!"

The bartender says "hey, you shouldn't be calling my patrons that"

"just do what I tell you" the man replies.

So the bartender goes to the woman accross the bar and says, "that guy over there wants to buy you a drink. What would you like"?

"Vinegar and water, please" she replies.

New Job

Woman starts a new job as an executive assistant. Her boss calls her into his office and say:

"Telephone my partner and then pull up a chair and take some notes."

She says: "Shall I use your dictaphone?"

Boss says:"No, use your finger like everybody else."

P o t a t o

Handsome hunk is jogging down the beach when he sees a girl in a wheelchair sitting on a pier crying. He runs over and asks why she's crying.

"I've never been kissed," she sobs.

So the hunk lifts her up, cradles her in his arms, and gives her a long, passionate kiss.

"Now," he says, "you've been kissed."

He puts her back in her chair and continues to run.

A week later, he's out jogging again when he sees the same girl on the same pier, crying again.

"What is it this time?" he asks.

"I've never been screwed," the girl sobs.

Again, the hunk picks her up and cradles her gently. He slowly moves to the end of the pier, kissing her as he did the first time. Suddenly, he throws her as far out in the water as he can.

"Now," he calls to her, "you're screwed."

There is a good looking dude on the beach with many girls around him. Then there is a scrawny looking fellow with no one around him.

He goes up to the good looking guy and says, "How can I get girls to notice me?"

The good looking guy looks at him and says, "Well, maybe if you put a potato in your swim trunks that might help."

The next day the scrawny man comes back and says to the good looking guy, "I did what you told me and all people are doing is laughing at me."

And the good looking guy says...

"You are supposed to put the potato in the front."