Collared a pathological liar named Pinocchio who claimed that his "nose" gets erect in public. That's not what the kids down at the playground told me. Never seen a nose coming out a guy's fly. He's in Diddler's Row under protective custody. Feel sorry for the kid. Just a puppet who can't keep his woody in his pants.

Went back to the Puss 'n' Boots for a triple scotch straight up. Been a long day. I was just cooling out when the bartender passed me the phone. Something about Jack and Jill going up the hill. That's the same hill where Humpty got it. I jumped in my car and raced to the scene.

Too late. My beeper went off. Hansel and Gretel are in the oven? I put the pedal to the metal... like I say, this Fairy Tale assignment ain't no easy beat.