I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

• Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

• Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

• Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

• Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

• Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

What is grey and not there.
No elephants.

Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled?
Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be aspirins.

Why are elephants wrinkled?
Have you ever tried to iron one?

Why do elephants wear small green hats?
So they can sneak across pool tables unobserved.

How many legs does an elephant have?
Four, two in the front, two in the back.

How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
You can hear Tarzan scream: "OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO!!!"

How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
You can't, silly, there is only one Tarzan!

Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
Tarzans fridge is not large enough to hold them all.

How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
Depends on the number of elephants.

What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
Optimistic!

What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
Free Parking.

What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
Sole use of the elevator.

How does an elephant get down from a tree?
It doesn't, you get down from a duck.

How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Bloody great holes all over Australia.

How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Why do elephants wear sandals?
So that they don't sink in the sand.

Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

What did Hannibal say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
"Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."

What did he say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming over the hill?
Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
Because that is when the elephants do their parachute jumping.

What is a furry alligator?
A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.

Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
No? Well, it must work then.