The proprietor replies, "I'm fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet."

The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so.

"But be careful not to file too much off, or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water."

The potential customer decides that this is complete bullshit, but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves, sans parakeet. He goes into another pet shop and asks for a canary -- no luck.

"But", says the shop owner, "I do have a parakeet, and if you file the beak just so, it can be made to sound just like a canary."

He goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will jeopardize the bird's life, due to the potential for drowning when he takes a drink. The fellow finally decides that there is some merit to these claims and buys the parakeet.

"Besides", he thinks to himself, "parakeets are much cheaper."

His next stop is a hardware store, where he wanders into the file section, holding his recently purchased bird. The owner wanders by and asks of he needs some help. The new bird owner sheepishly explains how he intends to make his parakeet sing like a canary. The hardware store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him.

"Here, a Nichols #2 bastard file. But be careful not to file too much off, or the poor beastie might drown."

The bird and file owner thanks the hardware store owner and leaves for home.

A few weeks later, the bird owner wanders into the hardware store. The owner, recognizing him, asks how he made out with the parakeet.

The fellow looks down and sadly reports "Bird's dead". The hardware store owner shares his sorrow and asks "Filed off too much beak?"

To which the former bird owner replies "Nah, he was dead when I took him out of the vise."

The bartender yells at him, "You can't bring that animal in here!"

The man says, "This isn't just any old alligator, he knows tricks. I'll show you."

He lets the alligator climb up on the bar, then says, "This alligator can hold his mouth open for any length of time you say, to the exact second. Name a time."

So, the bartender says "47 seconds."

The man says, "OK, when I say go, start your watch. Go!"

The alligator opens its mouth wide, while the bartender watches his mouth.

The man says, "To prove how much confidence I have in my pet, I'm gonna lay my dick in his mouth. But, just for safety's sake, start counting the seconds from 45 on."

The man does so, and when the bartender starts saying "45...46...47..," right when he says 48 the man pulls back his dick and the alligator's mouth snaps shut. Everyone at the bar was very impressed with this stunt.

The man says, "Thanks a lot! Now, would anyone else like to try?"

And, of course, all the men just sort of mumble and turn back to their drinks. I mean, trust only goes so far. However, one little guy at the end raises his hand rather timidly.

The man says, "You there!! You're a real man! You're brave enough to try this??!"

To which the other man says, "Yeth, but I don't think I could keep my mouth open the whole 47 seconds."