HuMoR - TIADA LogOn TANPA SENYUM ™

SHIT HAPPENS

in various world religions

Taoism:

  • Shit happens.
  • If you can shit, it isn't shit.
  • Shit happens, so flow with it.

    Hare Krishna:

  • Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
  • She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,
  • she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)
  • Please this flower and buy our shit.

    Confucianism:

  • Confucious say, "Shit happens".
  • Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY."

    Buddhism:

  • If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
  • If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
  • Shit will happen again to you next time.
  • Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will have salvation.

    Zen:
    What is the sound of shit happening?

    7th Day Adventism:
    Shit happens on Saturdays.

    Hinduism:

  • I've seen this shit happening before.
  • This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.
  • This shit happening IS you.

    Protestantism:

  • If shit happens, it happens to someone else.
  • If shit happens, praise the lord for it!

    Calvinism:
    Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

    Episcopalianism:
    If shit happens, hold a procession.

    Lutheranism:
    Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.

    Anglicanism:
    It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.

    Charismatic Catholicism:
    Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.

    Judaism:

  • Why does shit always happen to US?
  • Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?

    Reform Judaism:
    Got any laxatives?

    Nation of Islam:
    Don't take no shit!

    New Age:

  • That's not shit, it's feldspar.
  • A firm shit does not happen to me.
  • This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
  • I create my own shit.
  • If shit happens, honor it and share it.
  • Sheeeeeeeeeeit!
  • Were all part of the same shit.
  • For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.

    Wicca:

  • If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
  • The Goddess makes shit happen.

    Jehovah's Witnesses:

  • No shit happens until Armaggedon.
  • There is only a limited amount of good shit.
  • Knock Knock, "Shit Happens."
  • Here, we insist you take our shit.
  • Shit happens door to door.
  • Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.

    Secular Humanism:
    Shit evolves.

    Darwinism:
    Survival of the shittiest.

    Creationism:
    ... And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ... and there came piles of it. After six days of this shit, He rested.

    Christian Science:

  • When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.
  • Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.
  • Our shit will take care of itself.
  • Shit happens in your mind.

    Atheism:

  • I don't believe this shit!
  • Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.
  • No shit!
  • It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it.

    Religion from an Atheist's point of view:
    I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit.

    Agnosticism:

  • It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so
  • I'm not sure whether its shit or not.
  • What is this shit?!
  • I don't know shit!
  • How can we KNOW if shit happens?
  • You can't prove any of this shit!

    Rastafarianism:

  • Let's smoke this shit!
  • Hey, this is good shit, mon.

    Mormonism:

  • If shit happens, shun it.
  • Excrement happens. (you can't say 'shit' in Utah)
  • Hey, there's more shit happening over here!
  • Our shit is better than your shit.
  • Shit happens again & again & again ...

    Energizer Bunny:
    Shit happens and happens and happens and ...

    Baptist:

  • You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
  • We'll wash the shit right off you.

    Southern Baptist:
    Shit will happen. Praise the lord!

    Iraqi Baathist:
    Oh shit!

    Voodoo:

  • Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
  • Let's stick some pins in this shit!
  • This shit's gonna get you!

    Televangelism:
    Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening...

    Unitarianism:
    What is this Shit?

  • We affirm the right for shit to happen.
  • Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
  • It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.

    Orthodox:
    St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.

    Greek Orthodox:
    Shit happens, usually in threes.

    EST:

  • I am at cause that shit will not happen.
  • You're responsible for all the shit that happens.

    Fundamentalism:

  • There's no shit in the Bible.
  • Shit happens, but don't publish it.

    Twelve Step:
    Shit happens one day at a time.

    Amish:

  • Shit is good for the soil.
  • This modern shit is worthless.

    Native Americans:
    Shit is sacred when it happens.

    Shintoism:
    You inherit the shit of your ancestors.

    Moonies:
    Only happy shit really happens.

    Stoicism:
    This shit happening is good for me.

    Zoroastrianism:

  • Shit happens half the time.
  • Christianity stole half its shit from us.

    Bahaism:
    Why do you keep shitting on us?

    Mysticism:
    This is really weird shit.

    Paganism:
    Shit happens for a variety of reasons.

    Rajhneesh:
    Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.

    Rosicrucianism:
    What is this AMORC shit?

    Satanism:

  • We hope bad shit happens to all of you.
  • We will make your shit happen.

    Witchcraft:
    Mix this shit together and it will happen!

    Scientology:

  • All this happens to be shit.
  • If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.

    Shamanism:
    Whoaa...Holy Shit!

    Sikhism:
    Leave our shit alone.

    Moilanenism:
    Smells like shit of finnish fish.

    Sureshism:
    You are all pieces of shit.

    Branch Davidianism:

  • May shit happen to the FBI!
  • If shit happens, have a BIG barbecue...
  • David thinks he's hot shit.

    Divorcism:

  • She's full of shit!
  • He's fooling around with some worthless piece of shit.
  • ... but Judge, you can't give her all that shit!

    Creation Science:
    Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C.

    Discordianism:
    Shit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.

    Kibology:
    What's shit, and where can I get some?

    Spam:
    Spam happens.

    SubGenius:
    Shit has happened. For $20 "BoB" will sell you a way to MAKE MONEY FROM IT.

    Dianetics:
    "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)

    Yuppie Shit:
    It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?

    An Employer:

  • Shit happens, and rolls down hill.
  • You may only shit during coffee breaks.

    An Employee:

  • I've done my shit, so can I take the day off?
  • This shit's not part of my contract.

    Environmentalism:
    Shit is biodegradable.

    Political Correctness:
    Heavily processed nutritionally-deprived biological output happens.

    Heisenbergism:
    Shit happened, we just don't know where or how much.

    Quantum Shittydynamics:
    Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.

    Einsteinism:

  • God does not play shit with the universe.
  • Shit is Relative.

    Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law:
    Relatives are Shit.

    Washington:
    I cannot tell a lie--shit happened.

    Lincoln:
    Four score and seven shits ago...

    Nixon:
    Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know anything about it.

    Reagan:
    Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap.

    Quayle:
    Whye doe peepl treate mee lik shitte?

    Clinton:

  • I didn't inhale this shit.
  • I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....

    Bush:

  • Read my lips: no more shit!
  • Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture.
  • This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.
  • This looks like domestic shit. Let Baker handle it.
  • This looks like campaign-related shit. Let Baker handle it.

    Baker:
    Why does Bush always dump all the shit on me?

    Saddam:

  • The mother of all shit just happened to us, but at least
  • I'm still in power.

    Perot:
    I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.

    McCarthyism:
    Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?

    Martin Luther King:

  • Black shit and white shit CAN coexist...
  • I have a shit...

    Julius Caesar:
    I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)

    Kennedy:
    Ask not what your country's shit can do for you, but what your shit can do for your country.

    John Paul Jones:
    I have not yet begun to shit.

    James Tiberius Kirk:
    ... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!

    Shirley MacClaine:
    Haven't I seen this shit before...

    Neil Armstrong:
    One small shit for a man... One giant heap for mankind.

    Shakespeare:
    To shit or Not to shit, that is the question.

    Computer Science:
    There's a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt

    UNIX:
    Shit dumped.

    VAX/VMS:
    No Privilege for attempted shit.

    Macintosh:
    (Enough said)

    IBM/DOS:
    It's shit, but it's compatible.

    Windows:
    The same shit as DOS, only GUIer...

    Cray:
    If this code weren't such a piece of shit, they wouldn't NEED a supercomputer...

    C:
    It's shit, but it's efficient.

    Fortran:
    It's shit, but I don't know any better.

    Cobol:
    It's shit, but it's job security.

    BASIC:
    It's shit.

    Communism:
    It's everybody's shit.

    Marxism:

  • The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike.
  • Dictatorship of the shit.

    Socialism:
    The same shit happens to everyone.

    Capitalism:

  • Shit happens, and it'll cost you!
  • If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.

    Americanism:
    Who gives a shit?

    Materialism:
    Whoever dies with the most shit wins.

    Cannibalism:
    Don't eat the shit.

    Vegetarianism:
    If it happens to shit, don't eat it.

    Hedonism:
    There's nothing quite like a good shit.

    Existentialism:

  • Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
  • Shit happening is absurd.

    Realism:
    I think I need to take a shit.

    Denialism:
    What shit?

    Purism:
    If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.

    Procrastinationism:
    I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.

    Avoidanceism:
    With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.

    Repressionism:
    I'll hold this shit in forever.

    Fatalism:
    Oh shit, it's going to happen!

    Surrealism:
    Fish.

    Nihilism:
    Let's blow this shit up!

    Fetishism:
    I love it when shit happens.

    Masochism:
    Do shit to ME.

    Sadism:
    I will shit on you!

    Dyslexia:
    Tihs happens.

    according to the Philospohers

    Thales:
    Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit

    Epicurus:
    If shit happens, enjoy it.

    Socrates:
    What is shit? Why is shit?

    Aristotle:
    The essence of shittyness...

    Archimedes:

  • Hmmm... why doesn't this shit float?
  • Give me a place to stand and I'll move any piece of shit.

    Descartes:

  • I think, so why am I in this shit?
  • I shit, therefore I am.

    Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire):
    The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.

    Thoreau:
    I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out of life.

    Sartre:

  • Shit is meaningless!
  • What is shit, anyway?

    Freudianism:
    Shit is a phallic symbol.

    in various professions

    Mathematician:
    Shit happening is just a special case...

    Statistician:
    There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.

    Physicist (Theoretical):
    Shit SHOULD happen.

    Physicist (Experimental):
    To within experimental error, shit DID happen.

    Engineer:
    I hope this shit holds together.

    Chemist:

  • I hope this shit doesn't blow up.
  • Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!
  • Damn this shit smells...

    Biologist:
    Is this shit alive?

    Botanist:
    What this daisy needs is some fresh shit.

    Economist:
    I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.

    Beurocrat:
    I'm sorry, but we can't make this shit happen until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...

    CEO:

  • (1980's) I've got all the shit I want.
  • (1990's) Oooh, SHIT!

    Lawyer:
    For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.

    Doctor:

  • Take two shits and call me in the morning.
  • Yes, it's definitely a case of shit happening. $90, please...

    Acupuncturist:

  • Hold still or it will hurt like shit.
  • Let all that shit go.
  • This will really get the energy shit moving.

    Surgeon:
    Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?

    Psychologist:

  • Shit is in your mind.
  • Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing
  • its subconscious shittiness.

    Programmer:
    It's shit, but at least it compiles.

    Social Scientist:
    Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...

    Historian:
    The same shit happens again and again.

    Politician:

  • It's shit, but it'll get me elected.
  • If you elect me, shit will never again happen.
  • Shit happening is bad for the economy.
  • My Fellow Americans, All I stand for is shit.

    Waitress:
    You want fries with that shit?

    Teacher:
    Repeat after me: one shit + one shit =?

    Dean:
    Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.

    Accountant:
    Why doesn't this shit add up?

    Linguist:
    What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri.
    (For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull)

    Quality Control Inspector:
    This shit ain't good enough.

    IRS Auditor:
    I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.

    Farmer:
    I get subsidies for my shit.

    Union leader:
    Give us more shit or we'll strike.

    Mafia boss:
    Rub the little shits out.

    NYC Cab Driver:
    Damn, looks like I hit that shit...

    Mechanic:
    Shit...this will cost a lot, mister.

    Chef:
    It needs some more of this green shit.

    Musician:
    This shit is out of tune.

    Artist:

  • If Jesse Helms likes it, it is shit.
  • Shit, I wish I thought of that.
  • Anything you can buy for $2.99 isn't art, it's shit.

    Poet:

  • My childhood was shit, let me share.
  • Ode to a Grecian Shit.
  • My love is like a red, red shit.
  • ... and miles to go before I shit, and miles to go before I shit...

    Developer:
    Shit happens on a daily basis, that's why we have maintainance programmers.

    to your pets

    Dog:

  • All I do is eat, sleep and shit.
  • I did not chew the shit out of your bedroom slippers.
  • When I catch a car, it will shit!
  • Oh shit, I caught it!

    Cat:

  • Why do I have to shit in this smelly pan?
  • Let me sleep, you pathetic shit.
  • Dogs are shit.
  • I do not do unelegant things like shit, I excrete. And never in the corner. It is the dog's.

    Fish:

  • All I do is eat, swim and shit.
  • Always the same dried shit for dinner?

    Snake:
    If I got out of this cage, you'd shit.

    THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS

    for Sanitation Engineers

    0th: There is shit.

    1st: You can't get rid of it.

    2nd: It gets deeper.

    3rd: A nice, empty trashcan is wishful thinking.

    KEEP SHOVELING!!

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