1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist cihldren, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

   This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5. 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion -
If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Clean Poopie-
The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there's nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie-
The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie-
It happens when your done poopie-ing, and you have pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to poopie some more.

Pop A Vein In Your Forehead Poopie-
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you almost have a stroke.

Richard Simmons Poopie-
You poopie so much you lose 30 pounds.

Lincoln Log Poopie-
The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Gassy Poopie-
It's so noisy everyone within earshot is giggling.

Drinker Poopie-
The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the treadmarks on the bottom of the toilet.

Corn Poopie-
Self Explanatory!

Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie, Poopie-
It's the kind where you want to poopie real bad, but all you do is sit, cramp, and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie-
That's where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump) -
The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

Liquid Poopie-
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splatters all over the toilet.

Mexican Food Poopie-
It smells so bad the room is condemned.

Upper Class Poopie-
The kind that thinks their poopie doesn't stink.

Fisherman's Bobber Poopie-
That's the kind where you're in the public restroom, and there are two people waiting for your stall. You poopie and flush two times, but several golfball-sized pieces are still floating on the water.

I Just Found My Pee-Pee Poopie-
The kind where a young teenage boy goes into the bathroom with the new Victoria's Secret catalog, and comes out 10 minutes later without flushing the toilet.

The VanGough Poopie-
That's where after you poopie, you are shocked to see all the different colors in your poopie, and try to figure out what you ate to do it again.

The Show-And-Tell Poopie-
You're so impressed with you own poopie, you leave it in the bowl so all your friends can appreciate it too.

Half Poopie-
That's the kind that breaks off too soon, so half falls in to bowl and half stays hanging........ ( a.k.a....The Wipers Nightmare)

Suprise Poopie-
That's when your in public and you think you have to fart, but you get a suprise poopie as a bonus.

Paralyzing Poopie-
When you're sitting poopie-ing so long your legs fall asleep.

He Just Poopied, Poopie-
When you get done poopie-ing, you put your shorts back on and go out in public with those identifying bright red pressure circle on the back of your legs for all to see.