Something for a dark season....


				A MATTER OF FACE
				by Scott K. Jamison
(Ranma 1/2 and its associated characters created by Rumiko Takahashi.  No 
infringement intended.)


	It began...more tea?
	Of course you will be paid in full.  But since I am rich, I am 
allowed to be a bit eccentric as well, no?  So you will indulge me if I 
reminisce.  You know the people involved, if only in passing, so I will 
skip over our first meetings, and go to the heart of the matter.

	It began with a jest.
	Not a particularly clever one, and I must admit that most of the 
alleged humor in it evades me to this day, but a jest nonetheless.
	I was about to enter the room allotted to the kendo team by the 
administration of Fuurinkan High, when I heard the voice of one Ichida, a 
junior in the club.  "Get a load of this, guys.  The Top Ten Signs of the 
End of the World."
	There was a smattering of "go ahead" and "hurry, Upperclassman 
Kunou will be here soon", which encouraged young Ichida to continue.
	"Number Ten:  One of Gosunkugi's spells actually works."
	I recognized the format as one popularized by an American 
comedian whose name I do not recall, but had sometimes seen the servants 
watching on television.  Part of the humor seemed to be the backwards 
count. 
	"Number Nine:  Nabiki Tendou passes up a chance to make money."  
The list went on like this, local variations on tried and trite truisms.  
I chose to remain outside, as I knew all humor would cease once I 
entered.  I am told most consider me to have no sense of humor at all.
	"Number Two:  Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendou get through a whole 
day without fighting.  And the Number One Sign of the End of the World 
is:  Upperclassman Kunou *finally* figures out that Ranma and the 
pigtailed girl are the same person!" Ichida concluded, to the merriment 
of his audience.
	Have you ever had the sensation of something clicking into place 
in your mind?  Of course you have.  I don't know precisely why I had 
never quite had it penetrate before, after all the boorish Saotome had 
himself often tried to tell me the truth of his condition.  He had even 
transformed in my very arms!  But somehow, it had never been put to me 
directly.  And the very banality with which Ichida had said it, the easy 
acceptance of it by all those around him, told volumes.
	I wrote a poem about it.  "The crystal is shattered by the 
arrow.  She is not a woman."
	I did not go into the kendo team room that day.
	Instead I retired to my home, to my gardens, to meditate on 
this.  After much thought, I determined I would observe carefully, to 
discover for myself if what I feared was true.
	Like my sense of humor, my skill at subtlety is most noted by my 
acquaintances in its absence.  Fortunately, Ranma Saotome is equally 
unsubtle, and thus was unable to notice how clumsy my attempts were.  It 
was simplicity itself to "invite myself" to visit the Tendou home, where 
I declaimed my love for Akane Tendou and the pigtailed girl with my usual 
fervor, if not my customary physical zeal.  Lacking the opening, neither 
of my two loves (for so I still think of them, even after what has 
occurred) struck me.  
	Not having been removed, I accepted a cup of tea from the eldest 
Tendou daughter, a lovely girl named Kasumi, and settled down for a 
bargaining session with the middle sister, Nabiki, over some 
photographs.  I came out on the short side, as usual, but then it was 
only money.
	More importantly, I was able to observe Ranma and Akane as they 
gradually forgot my presence, engaged as they were in their little 
games.  I was surprised to discover, in my new clarity of vision, that 
the two did *not* despise each other, as one would imagine from their 
constant quarreling, but were in fact deeply in love.  A situation 
neither of them would admit to at the time.
	I was also able to deduce that Ichida's jest had been on target 
regarding Ranma's variable gender, though he did not actually change 
within my line of sight.
	Two others entered the room, the Saotome parents, Genma and 
Nodoka.  I had met Ranma's father several times, though I don't recall 
that we were ever formally introduced.  He was a gross and crude man, and 
I was surprised to find him married to a vision of loveliness and, to all 
appearances, a proper lady.
	I have written a poem about it.  "The toad has married the swan.  
Shall their offspring dive or fly?"
	Mrs. Saotome was quite charming, and received me graciously, 
though she was rather upset by my mention of my romantic intentions 
towards both sides of the engagement on which her family's hopes rested.  
(I thought it best not to reveal my new knowledge just yet.)
	My sleep that night was troubled, filled with dreams of my 
embracing the pigtailed goddess, only to have her turn, in mid-tryst, to 
the appalling male Ranma.  Worse, in my dream, Akane also underwent this 
metamorphosis from desirable maid to barbarian boy.  And then Ranma and 
the male Akane rejected me once more and embraced each other.
	I slept no more that night.
	I knew then that I could no longer stomach pursuing the pigtailed 
girl, even in jest.  I also knew that I must revenge myself upon Saotome, 
for the shame he had brought upon me.
	But how to do so?  In my new clarity, I knew that I could not 
defeat the accursed (in more senses than one) Ranma by force of arms 
alone.  I would have to find a weak point.  
	It took two days to think of an answer, since most of my 
opponent's weak points were either trivial to him (such as a lack of 
scholarly expertise) or could actually be turned into weapons (such as 
his fear of cats.  Be grateful you have never seen him in the throes of 
the Cat Fist.)  After careful observation, I decided to concentrate on 
his father.  Surely such a reprehensible man had a skeleton or two in 
his closet.  He might even be...one of *them*.
	That doesn't surprise you, does it?  That I cannot even bring 
myself to *say* their name, neither the ancient term, nor the "sanitized" 
phrase which has collected its own opprobrium.  The lowest of the low, 
whose ancestry is the ultimate pollution.
	So it was that I hired a private detective to investigate the 
Saotome family.  I have sometimes wondered, what impels a man to take up 
such a career, to be a destroyer of engagements, a tainter of reputation, 
a poisoner of ambition.  Perhaps it is that you see none of that in the 
movies or television, only the glamorous cases of theft and murder, and 
by the time you know the truth, you are suited for no other profession.
	But I digress.
	I hired a private detective.  I am surprised Nabiki Tendou had 
not done so long ago, but perhaps she did not *wish* to know.  There is a 
small but functional heart buried under her Ice Queen facade.  Then it 
was merely a matter of waiting.
	Some weeks later, I had my answer.  Genma Saotome was a liar, and 
a thief, and careless with his promises, but this was well known to all 
who associated with him.  His ancestors for several generations had been 
impecunious, saved only by wives with iron grips on the pursestrings, but 
all of good samurai stock.  I was alarmed to discover that in fact Ranma 
and I shared a great-great-uncle.
	There was no comfort there.  I turned to the mother's side, 
expecting the same.  I was wrong.
	In retrospect, perhaps it should have been obvious.  Mrs. Saotome 
was *too* insistent on honor and proper behavior, *too* concerned with 
her self-appointed role.  As I read the papers, I began to understand.  A 
young man of good but impoverished family, with an amazingly poor grasp of 
impulse control, and no judgement.  A lovely young lady, wealthy but with 
a shadowed past.   They meet, fall in love of sorts, and each gets what 
they want from the marriage, though neither fully realizes what the other 
truly intends.
	I locked the papers away, and took another trip to the Tendou 
household.  As it happened, Ranma was embarking on another of his many 
adventures, and I was able to tag along, having a boat (better than my 
last) to lend to the cause.
	It was a most noble adventure, but the story would be long, and I 
see you are growing impatient with my digressions.  Suffice it to say 
that young Saotome comported himself with bravery and honor, despite his 
crassness and stupidity.  And I saw his female form again, and noted how 
much she resembled his mother.
	And again came that awful clarity, and I found a new fountain of 
shame.  For all that was good and right in Ranma came from his mother, 
from the unclean blood that by rights should have condemned him in the 
eyes of all.  And I shuddered when I looked at my own pure bloodline, and 
what we had become.  Obsession, delusion, and a rapid fall into madness.  
More, I saw the love of Ranma and Akane Tendou blossom and become a thing 
of beauty, and knew I could not crush it.
	I knew then that I must prevent what I had learned from ever 
coming to light.
	I burned the papers, and arranged for the private detective I had 
hired to destroy other records that might lead others down the trail.  
Then I set about settling my affairs.
	It was simplicity itself to induce my father to take another 
extended vacation in Hawaii; all it required was getting a haircut, and 
he was agreeable to any condition.
	My sister Kodachi was a far more difficult matter, but I am told 
that she is at last responding to therapy at the rest spa, and may even 
forgive me some day for consigning her there.  I certainly hope so.
	As for myself, I will be taking the honorable course of action.  
I will, of course, not reveal my true reasons, but rely on my "sudden 
discovery" of the pigtailed girl's nature and the dishonor I have caused 
her by my pursuit to suffice as an explanation.  Mrs. Saotome will be my 
second, as it is she who brought me to this enlightenment, and it seems a 
waste after all her training to never let her sever a head.
	Oh, you think I have forgotten something?  I do apologize for 
keeping you in suspense, but I thought you should know everything before 
the end.  Of course I could not allow the private detective to remain at 
large with the knowledge he'd accumulated.  You'd accumulated.
	My sister's pet, Midorigame, misses his mistress.  She's the only 
one who could feed him safely, so he's quite hungry now.  I am told that 
the paralysis drug I borrowed from her deadens the sensation of pain 
entirely, so your death should not be too excruciating.
	And you can rest easy knowing that it is for your murder, too, 
that I commit seppuku.  It's a matter of face, you know.



			THE END

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