IDEALS
                  	By Scott K. Jamison
             	(Spells R Us created by Bill Hart)

 
      Victor Redford had a problem.  It wasn't his looks.  At just over 
6' tall, and muscular in proportion to his size, the Renton College 
junior was able to turn his blond hair, baby blue eyes and ruggedly 
handsome face to best advantage.
      It wasn't his grades.  Like most of the football team, the young 
halfback was enrolled in a less than challenging curriculum, and since he 
actually did have half a brain, he didn't even need a tutor that often.
      It wasn't even his future.  Even if, God forbid, he was horribly 
injured and could never play football again, his father's chain of car 
dealerships had a cushy job lined up for Victor.  And he'd proven to be a 
pretty good salesman, too, during his summer jobs.  Especially to the 
women. 
      And there was the problem.  Women.  Not that Victor had any trouble 
attracting them, mind you, but keeping them, that was a different matter.
      For Victor was the sort of fellow who, having once sampled the 
favors of a woman, grew bored with her.  This had not been a problem 
before now; there had always been another attractive young lady available 
when he lost interest in the last one.
      But now, in his junior year at college, Victor discovered that he'd 
run out of viable options.  There was, of course, the large number of 
women in the school that he'd loved and left.  They were out of the 
question.  Then there were women who didn't meet his "standards" of 
beauty and personality.  He wasn't going to lower himself to them.  There 
were a fair number of attractive girls that weren't currently single; 
tempting, but Victor valued his popularity with the other fellows too 
much to poach.
      And, as he'd discovered over the last month, there was a growing 
number of women at Renton who knew his reputation, and had no intention of 
being his latest conquest.  He had, in fact, just gotten off the phone 
with the last of them on his list.
      "Stuck-up bitch."  He punched his dartboard with the logo of rival 
Osgood Academy square in the bullseye.  "I'm going out," Victor called to 
his roommate Aqi.  The foreign exchange student (a fullback) nodded and 
waved.
      As he left the campus, Victor saw a gaggle of geeks heading over to 
the computer labs.  Bunch of losers.  Everyone knew it was the football 
program that kept Renton afloat, but often pathetic skinny wimps like 
those would whine about athletes pushing them around.
      Victor briefly considered giving them a hard time, but decided 
against it.  It was just too easy, besides, he was in search of something 
else.
      The mall near Renton was dinky, but sometimes you could find 
teenage girls from the town strolling around.  Some of them were even 
worth looking at.  And Victor knew it was a snap for a college guy to 
score with one.
      But apparently, Thursday night was an off one for girlhunting.  The 
only women he saw were past school age, or accompanied by other men.  
Since one of Victor's requirements was relative youth, he wasn't 
interested in thrilling some "old bag."
      Then he saw it.  "Spells R Us."  He'd heard of it, of course, but 
he'd always dismissed it as an urban legend.  Magic didn't really exist, 
right?
      But there the store was, exactly as described.  Victor walked 
through the open door, and the bell above it tinkled a bit as the door 
closed.
      "Welcome, Victor!"  This was an old man in a tacky robe standing 
behind the counter.
      "You must be the wizard," deadpanned Victor.  "And no, I don't want 
to be turned into a girl."
      The old man smiled.  "I see word is getting out.  Very well, I 
promise that if you follow directions on whatever you buy, you won't be 
turned into a woman."
      "And no giving confusing instructions, or ones that can't be 
followed," Victor responded.  He'd heard stories that indicated the 
wizard could be pretty tricky.
      The old man's smile faded, as if he'd been caught with extra cards 
up his sleeve.  "Oh, all right, I promise that too.  So, what *can* I do 
for you today?"
      Victor thought for a moment.  "I need some new girls to be on 
campus, ones that meet my standards."
      "Ah.  I see.  High standards, eh?"  The wizard put his finger 
alongside his nose.  "Let's see what I have in stock."  A large file 
folder appeared, and the wizard started leafing through it.
      "Item 36-24-34, that should do it...be right back."  The wizard 
ducked behind a curtain, then reappeared holding something about the size 
of a spray can.
      "This should tickle your fancy.  The Ideal Woman Gas Grenade."
      "Say what?"  The word "grenade" brought up unpleasant connotations 
in Victor's mind.
      "Oh, don't worry, it's perfectly harmless to you if used as 
directed.  What you do is pull the pin and throw it into an enclosed 
space.  The gas comes out, and whoever breathes it takes on the physical 
properties and personality of their ideal woman."
      "That's it?  But wouldn't that affect me too?"
      "I'd suggest you wait outside the enclosed area.  The gas settles in 
three minutes, so it will be safe to enter after that."
      This was definitely something Victor was interested in.  Just toss 
it in, wait three minutes, and *poof*, a whole bunch of ideal babes just 
waiting for him to sweep them off their feet.  "How much?"
      "$350.95.  And yes, I take checks."
      Victor couldn't wait to sign the check.  Afterwards, he checked the 
directions on the side of the grenade and discovered they were the same.
      "Thanks, old guy."
      "No, thank *you* Victor."
      Victor was surprised to see how late it was when he got out of the 
mall, so he called it a night and went home, making sure to hide the 
grenade where Aqi wouldn't touch it.
      After classes and team practice the next day, Victor went looking 
for a good opportunity to use the grenade.  He didn't want to transform 
any of his friends or teammates by accident, so that ruled out several 
possiblities.  Then he saw the perfect place.
      Half-a-dozen geeks were walking into a room advertising something 
called an "Anime Club".  Victor didn't know what this "A-neem" was, but 
judging by the drawing of a busty woman on the poster, it had something 
to do with lust.
      No one would miss a bunch of brain-heavy losers like that, 
especially after reality rewrote itself like he'd heard it did with SRU 
spells.
      Victor looked both ways to make sure the hallway was clear, then 
strolled up to the door.  The room was dark, and he could hear music 
being sung in some foreign language.  "Great.  I wonder if they'll all 
come out with French accents?"  He pulled the pin, tossed in the grenade, 
and slammed the door shut.
      There was a hissing noise from inside, followed by intense 
coughing, and pounding on the door.  But Victor was leaning against it, 
and the pounding soon stopped.  
      Just to be safe, Victor waited a full four minutes before opening 
the door.
      Inside, where there had once been half a dozen pasty-faced nerds, 
there were now six gorgeous girls.  There was a short redhead (with a 
pigtail that curled up at the end) wearing a red shirt and black slacks; 
a slightly taller redhead in what looked like a Catholic school girls' 
uniform in red, white and blue; a very tall brunette with a ponytail, 
wearing another uniform, this one with a green skirt, and a funny-looking 
tiara thingie with an antenna; A green-haired girl (Green!?) wearing 
nothing but a tiger-striped bikini; A platinum blonde with dark skin and 
funky face tattoos, and a purple-haired girl in a Chinese dress.  All of 
them were young, pretty and amply endowed, just the way he liked them.
      The girls looked slightly confused, feeling themselves over and 
checking their clothes in a way Victor found incredibly erotic.  He moved 
into the room, ready to apply his considerable charms. 
      The next day, a considerably more battered-looking Victor staggered 
into the Spells R Us store.  His hair was still standing up straight, and 
he gave off a slight burnt odor.  He hoped the swelling of his bruises 
would go down soon.
      "Old man!  I want my money back!"
      The old man smiled.  "Whatever for?  It turned men into their ideal 
women, just as promised."
      "Yeah, but none of them were attracted to me.  In fact, they all 
beat me up!  And lightning bolts, for God's sake!"
      "You've obviously forgotten the most important thing about a man's 
ideal woman."
      Victor blinked, then winced.  With his black eyes, that hurt.  
"Huh?  Big breasts?"
      "No."
      "Nymphomania?"
      "No, but you're getting warmer."
      Victor tried to think, but the pounding in his head was too 
intense.  "I give.  What's the most important thing?"
      "That she be attracted to men like him, not men he dislikes."
      Victor felt one of those lightbulbs go on in his head.  Or maybe he 
was just still seeing stars.  "You mean...?"
      The old man smiled.  "Yes.  You've just improved the dating 
prospects of geeky anime fans on campus by 200%."  
 
 
 FIN


Note:  The opinions expressed by characters in this story do not 
necessarily  reflect those of the author.


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