SAUCE
by Scott K. Jamison
(standard disclamer)
Chapter Two: Revengefics, Anyone?
(scene: A small, cluttered apartment living room. The walls are
a dingy yellow color, and it's clear the building's better days were in
the 1950s. There are posters for Project A-ko and Dancougar on the
walls, and videotapes and comic books scattered everywhere. It's early
morning, and we see SCOTT sleeping in a folding chair, half-covered by a
blanket. What light there is seeps through blue curtains decorated with
an astronaut theme.)
Clock-Radio (Suddenly turning on):--rash of incidents at college campuses
across the country. But first the news!
(Scott blearily turns down the radio, dons his glasses, and
stretches. He's wearing the same clothes we saw him in previously.)
Scott: Man, that was some weird dream. Akane and Ranma coming to the
real world to help me? Don't I wish!
(He gets up and heads for the hall door. It suddenly swings open
and female RANMA comes in. She's wearing boxer shorts, a towel over her
shoulder, and nothing else.)
Ranma-chan: There's no hot water in the shower.
Scott: What, again? (double-takes) R-ranma? Then it's real...
Ranma-chan: Mm-hmm. (nods.)
(Scott stares at Ranma, eyes wide, then suddenly shakes himself,
steps over to the wall and starts pounding his head against it.)
Scott: Must...*thud* drive out *thud* evil thoughts! *thud*
Ranma-chan: Whoa, whoa! You didn't react this way last night.
Scott (facing away): Remember Ranma, I haven't seen a half-naked woman
in the flesh since I was weaned. And just so I can't enjoy it, you're
actually a guy!
Ranma-chan: Oh, right. Musk Dynasty syndrome.
(She picks up her shirt and puts it on.)
Ranma-chan: Better?
Scott: Much. What were you thinking? What if those excessively macho
Mexican guys in the next apartment had seen you?
Ranma-chan: I think you know the answer to that one.
(AKANE enters from the kitchen.)
Akane: Um, Scott, someone's stolen all your food. All you have left is
two Cup Ramens, a can of veggie soup, some French bread and a half-carton
of milk.
Scott: No, that's about right. Did you say *two* Cup Ramens? I was
planning to stock up later today. (Digs in pocket.) Look, here's a
$20...my last $20, actually. Buy some groceries while I'm out, but be
careful, they'll have to last us until Wednesday.
Ranma-chan (counts on fingers): Five days?! Are you insane?
Scott: No, just poverty-stricken. I just had to pay the rent, plus I
normally don't buy eight French sodas, six rolls and a plate of
quesadillas in one sitting at CyberX.
Ranma-chan: I have to keep up my strength! I'm a martial artist, you
know.
Scott: Yes, Ranma, we know, as the School for the Blind can attest.
Ranma-chan: Hey! When we passed it on the way to your place, I thought
that would be a perfect way around your "ugly" problem. How was I
supposed to know there was a Blind Fighting master guarding the entrance?
Akane: Ranma, that was just an old blind guy with a cane. He kept
trying to get out of the way, but you kept zigging when he tried to zag.
Ranma-chan: A fiendishly clever ruse, I tell you. It just *looked* like
an accident.
Scott: Whatever. Here's the keys. Lock up if you go out, and for God's
sake try not to get into trouble. Despite what you see on TV, we do have
laws in the States, and the police *will* arrest you for assault. I
should be back from work around 4.
(He picks up his tote bag and opens the hall door.)
Scott: See ya!
Akane: Take care!
Ranma-chan: 'Bye.
(Scott leaves. Ranma and Akane stare at each other for a moment,
then drop their eyes. Ranma spots a TV listing and leafs through it
while Akane attempts to shift some of the debris.)
Ranma-chan: Hey, Dragonball Z is on!
(Turns on television.)
TV: Kame-hame-HA! *BOOM*
Akane: I don't know what you see in that show. The old series was much
funnier.
Ranma-chan: Yeah, but check out those cool superpowered ki blasts. I gotta
learn how to do one of those!
(They watch for a bit.)
Akane: So, Ranma...
Ranma-chan: This is the good part! Yeah?
Akane: How are we going to help Scott? It didn't go so well last night...
Ranma-chan: Well, we could dump Nyannichuan water on him, that would
spice up his love life.
Akane: Ranma you pervert! That's what you suggested for 95% of the male
authors on our list, and a few of the women.
Ranma-chan: Hey, if they're all so fascinated by my female body, I just
figure they should get their own.
Akane: Besides, we're trying to help Scott, not make him more depressed.
Ranma-chan: He likes Kasumi. How about we fix him up with her?
Akane: We already did that for the "Appearances" guy. Say, which
version did Mr. Lawson end up with?
Ranma-chan: Who can tell? Um, how about plastic surgery for Scott?
Akane: Way expensive. And as you can see (indicates apartment) he's not
exactly rolling in dough.
Ranma-chan: Yeah, you do need cash to get ahead...Hey, maybe we should
start with something small, but we'll need a couple of helpers...
Akane: Go on...
* * * *
(Scene: Same apartment, but you'd hardly know it. The walls
gleam as if freshly painted, the videos and books have been fitted neatly
into tasteful bookcases, the floor is spotless (and can now be seen as
wooden.) There's also a desk with the latest model computer sitting on
it. Ranma (now back in male form) and Akane sip iced tea while watching
episodes of Solar Hero Faibird.)
Ranma: Take that, evil mad scientist!
TV: *KA-BOOM*
Akane: Ranma, can we watch Sailor Moon next?
Ranma: Aw, that show's for sissies.
Akane: I thought you always said I was unfeminine.
Ranma: Okay, so maybe you have girly tastes in anime. But it better be
one of the episodes with a lot of fighting.
(The hall door opens, and Scott walks in. He surveys the room,
looking very surprised.)
Scott: m-My room...what happened?
Ranma: Oh, hi, Scott. Like it?
Scott: Well, yes! But, I don't mean to be rude, but neither of you is
exactly the sort who's good at these things, and, hey, is that a computer?
Akane: Yes, silly. We decided this job was a little tough for us, so we
called in some help.
Scott (looking around nervously): Um, what kind of help?
Akane: My big sisters, of course.
(Scott looks at her like she has two heads.)
Akane: Kasumi and Nabiki!
Scott: K-Kasumi is here? (glasses fog over)
Ranma: Tofu syndrome! Nah, she already left. But while she was here,
she used those Marvel powers you gave her over on GRIT to do the grocery
shopping, clean the place, and prepare the next week's meals, all in 15
minutes.
Akane: Nabiki found the bookcases and computer for you, it's Internet
connected, and she's working on finding you a better-paying job with some
security.
Scott: So she's staying here?
Ranma: Nah, she's at some ritzy hotel. Your place is kinda dinky, you
know.
Scott: *whew*
Akane: I'll heat dinner. Why don't you try out the computer?
Scott: Thanks! Wait a minute, that's a gas stove!
Ranma: Relax. Her cooking is a lot better these days. Especially when
all she's doing is heating it.
Akane (does the "feel muscle" gesture): You can rely on me!
Scott: Right. Let's check out my e-mail.
(Scott signs on to the computer, and soon is reading the FFML.
He grows increasingly concerned.)
Scott: Gee, an awful lot of these "revengefics." And some of them are
pretty brutal.
Ranma: You think so? Say, can I look at your notebook?
Scott: Sure, go ahead. Geez, sure are a lot of guys being splashed with
Spring of Drowned Girl.
Ranma: Do tell.
Scott: Say, if you guys are here, how are you doing all this other stuff
at the same time?
Ranma: Martial Arts Multitasking. That, plus a bunch of alternate
timeline versions, synthoids and Hammerspace.
Scott: Hey, you snatched that poor woman's kid! That's not nice!
Ranma: Neither was the kid. (winces.) I think that's when we started
just handing out the curses. Too much trouble...
Scott: But you've been nice to me so far...
Ranma: Hmm, interesting story, this "Worse". I see you've stuck me in
female form...
Scott: People kept asking for a sequel to "Sequence." You don't mind do
you?
Ranma: Nah, it's like being an actor. You get some bad movies, some
good ones, a lot of dull ones. It's over eventually, and we go on to the
next story. Only what the Creator does to us is permanent.
Scott: Creator?
Ranma: Takahashi-kami, of course.
Scott: Of course.
Ranma: There are only a few things I can't stand. Really lousy
spelling, being totally out of character with no explanation, and oh
yeah, one more thing...
(Scott fails to notice a reddish aura appearing in the corner.)
* * * *
(What looks very similar to the apartment we just saw, but with a
few changes. The posters are now for X/1999 and Marmalade Boy. The
curtains are now yellow with a bunny design, and there is a general
prevalence of the color pink in the room. A young woman is sleeping in
the folding chair. She looks a lot like Kasumi.)
Clock-Radio (turning on): --Bizarre incidents continue to multiply. In
other news...
(The woman turns down the radio, puts on glasses, yawns and
stretches. She's wearing one of those nightgowns that while very modest
leaves no doubt that she's well built. She blearily looks around.)
Woman: Oh, my...
(She sounds a lot like Kasumi too.)
Woman: ...GOD!
(She looks around the apartment, then down at her own body,
poking in a couple of places...)
Woman: RRAAAAANNNMMAAAA!!!
(Ranma and Akane casually stroll in, grinning.)
Ranma: Morning, Scotty.
Woman (Scotty): I hate that nickname!
Ranma: Actually, it's your legal name now.
(Scotty grabs Ranma by the front of his shirt. He doesn't look
too worried.)
Scotty: Why, Ranma? Why did you do this to me?
Ranma: Well, quite frankly, your "ugliness" was proving to be too much
of a problem. That, and I found "SEX". Me and Hiroshi, of all people?!
Scotty: You didn't read past the first paragraph, did you?
Ranma: No, why?
Scotty: It wasn't what you thought! So for that you dumped Nyannichuan
on me while I slept?
Akane: Noo, actually, this is much more interesting. We got the idea
from your "Worse" story, actually. We went back in time and changed
things so you were born female.
Ranma: The first time was a bust, you made one butt-ugly woman, so we
redid it, splicing some Kasumi DNA in for the looks.
Akane: We figured since you liked her so much, you wouldn't mind.
Scotty: I...look like...Kasumi?
Akane: Yep. (Holds up mirror.)
Scotty: Kasumi...(glasses fog over.)
Ranma: Steady there. So, in the new timeline, you followed in your
mother's footsteps and became a nurse.
Akane: Don't worry, we've implanted all the necessary skills.
Ranma: Now you have plenty of potential romances. Handsome young
doctors, rich old patients, oh, and the fanboys.
Scotty: Fanboys?
Ranma: Yeah, you're still an anime fan here, specializing in Kasumi
impressions. The seminude photo of you on your web site gets downloaded
on average every three minutes.
Scotty: Seminude? I posed for a *cheesecake photo*?
Akane: You're quite the naughty girl, it seems.
Ranma: And this way is so much more convenient than Nyannichuan! No
hassles about water temperature, all your clothes fit, and best of all,
your parents won't need an explanation, since as far as they and everyone
outside this apartment is concerned, you've always been a girl!
Scotty: Ohhkayy, I can see how you might have been able to adapt the
Tendou Style Anything Goes Martial Arts Dimension Travel Technique to time
travel, since time is a dimension, but the alterations you're talking
about are way beyond anything you're capable of!
Ranma: True, so we called in some experts. C'mon in, Guest Number One!
(A tall, dark-skinned woman enters. She is wearing a sailor fuku
and carrying an oversized key.)
Scotty: Sailor Pluto?
Setsuna: One and the same. Your insert characters took me out in one
shot, and I'm unconscious for the rest of the story!
Scotty: But I'd never seen any of your episodes and didn't want to risk
blowing your characterization, honest.
Setsuna: So you reduced me to a plot device. Hah! At least you
introduced me to Brainiac Five. He is a most intriguing man, and when he
found out that you were planning to romantically link him with Lori
Morning in your next fic--
Scotty: That was a joke! A JOKE!
Setsuna: Querl has no sense of humor. Anyway, he was glad to help us
with the DNA manipulation once I found the proper time segment.
Akane: So, Scotty, I'll be helping you learn how to be feminine--
Ranma: BWAHAHA!
(Akane punts him.)
Setsuna: And to help ease you into being a woman, we've brought along
someone from one of your long (and deservedly)-forgotten fanfics....
Scotty: You wouldn't!
Setsuna: Someone who really knows how to treat a lady, despite your
cruelly making him date an ugly broad...
Scotty: No, please, not that!
Setsuna: Come in, Guest Number Two--
(A handsome Japanese man in casual clothing enters. His face
immediately twists into a perverted leer.)
Setsuna: City Hunter!
Saeba: Hellooo, Nurse!
Scotty: AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!
* * * *
(Back to Scott's apartment (clean version.) Scott is writhing in
the chair while Ranma and a brutishly handsome young man in a blue and
silver set of armor look on.)
Scott: Nooo!! Nooo!! Make him stop!
(Scott falls out of the chair. He winces, then opens his eyes.
He pats himself down.)
Scott: I'm me again! It didn't happen! It was only a --
Ranma: Psych! Like I was saying, the last thing I really can't stand is
dream sequences.
Scott: But--But how--
Ikki: That would be me. Your Phoenix Genma Ken is on the house.
Scott: Phoenix Ikki!
Ikki: Yup. You little twerp! You had me defeated by a mere girl!
Scott: It was a draw! And Daxamites don't qualify as "mere" anything!
Ikki: Nevertheless.
Ranma: Thanks, Ikki. By the way, about this "Genma Ken" of yours...
Ikki: Different kanji. No relation. And you, asshole, the next time
you write about me, I win! Got it?
Scott: Yessir. *geeble*
(Ikki vanishes in an aura of flame.)
Ranma: Sorry, couldn't resist just a little "revenge." No hard
feelings?
Scott: I guess not. You're really not sore about "Worse?"
Ranma: Of course not! You are going to get me out of there before I
actually have to marry Kunou, right?
Scott: ...
Ranma: Well?...
To Be Continued?
SKJAM!
"I've created a monster!"
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