SAUCE
by Scott K. Jamison
(standard disclaimer)
Chapter Five: Desperation
(Scene: Scott's apartment. The walls look like they've been
through a small fire fight. The chairs and table have been replaced by
some cushions and a low bench. Ranma and Akane are playing cards.)
Akane: Gin! (lays down hand.)
Ranma: I'm bored.
Akane: You say that every time you don't win.
Ranma: Point to you. But I really *am* bored. I still say we should
have followed them.
Akane: You're supposed to be laying low for awhile, remember? That
little incident at the Wing Chun studio?
Ranma: Oh c'mon! That so-called "master" was a phony, I said so, and I
proved it. I didn't even break a sweat during that fight.
Akane: A sweat no. Three arms, several ribs and a foot, yes.
Real-world people just don't have the resiliency we anime characters do.
Ranma: I do miss having decent fights. Your deal.
(They continue playing for a bit. The hall door opens, and
Shampoo enters carrying Scott over her shoulder. His clothes are torn
and stained. Her minidress is slightly askew.)
Shampoo: Nihao!
Scott: Y' c'n put me down now, Shampoo.
Akane: What happened?!
Scott: Do the words "small riot" mean anything to you?
Ranma: Uh oh.
Akane: What did you do this time, Shampoo?
Scott: In all fairness (Shampoo sets him down on a cushion) she was
provoked. Perhaps we should start at the beginning. You remember the
plan?
Ranma: Sure. You and Shampoo go on a pretend date so other women will
get jealous and try to take you away from her. I *thought* it sounded
pretty dumb.
Shampoo: It always work with Ranma. Shampoo or Akane go date him, other
women always try steal.
Scott: That's because Ranma is a stud. And I think we would have made a
slightly more convincing couple if one of the ground rules hadn't been
"Scott no touch Shampoo." Well, we went to Loring Park and started
strolling around. Over the course of the afternoon, Shampoo got
approached by five or six guys that tried to hit on her right in front of
me. The last guy flashed some bills and offered twice what I was paying
if she'd "date" him instead.
Shampoo: Shampoo tell silly man she no get paid.
Scott: His next remark was racist, sexist and impugned Shampoo's moral
character.
Shampoo: Shampoo not know what "impugn" mean, but she no that kind of
girl!
Ranma: Bonbori time, huh?
Scott: Yup. Good thing he had sense enough to run after one near miss.
Where *do* you pull those things from, anyway?
Shampoo: Ancient Chinese secret.
Scott: Riight. The last person we ran into on the path was an
attractive woman who came right up to us--
Akane: Really?
Scott: Turned out she was an optometrist who wanted Shampoo to make an
appointment.
Shampoo (Irritated): Does Shampoo look like Mousse?
Scott: To her, yes. Remember, you were with me. After that we took an
ice cream break, and passed by the Amazon Bookstore.
Ranma: The one with all that ultra-feminist literature you pointed out
to us?
Scott: The very same. Shampoo naturally decided we should stop in.
Shampoo: Shampoo proud there bookstore honoring her tribe! But it
trick.
Scott: Whilst I checked out the revisionist history section, Shampoo
asked to see anything they had on Joketsuzoku.
Shampoo: Counter lady say no such place! Counter lady say no such thing
as Chinese Amazons! She say Shampoo no real!
Akane: Technically, Shampoo, we aren't real...Oh, never mind.
Scott: To prove her claim to legitimacy, Shampoo hauled out Exhibit A,
the Amazon rulebook. Naturally, it fell open to the most-used page. And
while the counter worker couldn't read Chinese, the Hmong woman next to
her could. One guess which law that was.
Ranma & Akane: The "outsiders" law!
Shampoo: They make fun of Amazon laws! Say our customs stupid! Okay,
Shampoo used to that, but still get her dander up!
Scott: And then a nice young lady in plaid flannel ventured the
suggestion that Shampoo should dump me in favor of a more, ahem,
"satisfying physical relationship" with herself.
Shampoo: Shampoo *not* that kind of Amazon!
Scott: Harsh words were exchanged. And when words failed Shampoo,
well..
Ranma: I get the picture.
Scott: Admittedly, the staff and customers at Amazon Books aren't
anywhere near Shampoo's weight class, but most of them have taken
anti-rape training, and fight really dirty.
Akane: Is the place still standing?
Scott: Couldn't tell you. I foolishly allowed eons of evolutionary
instinct and cultural conditioning to dictate my actions and tried to
protect the women from each other.
Ranma: Um, Scott, last I checked, you had no fighting skills
whatsoever. It took me a week just to teach you how to fall.
Shampoo: Scott fall real good! Almost as good taking punishment as
Mousse!
Scott: Are you sure that's a compliment? I blacked out after the second
or third knee to the groin. Didn't come to until we were almost back.
Come to think of it, shouldn't I be hurting even worse than this? (Pats
himself down.)
Akane: Could be nerve damage.
Ranma: We'll see if Doc Tofu can make a house call. Hang tight.
(The three visitors go into the kitchen, and there's a flash of
light. Scott shifts painfully on the cushion.)
Scott: Lord, I know they mean well, but they're really starting to get
on my nerves. Give me the strength to endure this opportunity. Thanks,
amen. * * *
(A bit later. Dr. Tofu is bandaging Scott's arm. Several other
bandages have already been applied.)
Tofu: Actually, your condition is quite consistent with having been
beaten by a mob of angry women. I get quite a lot of these cases. You
should be fully recovered in a day or two.
Scott: A day or two? A normal person who took the kind of punishment I
did would be laid up for weeks.
Tofu (adjusting glasses): Really? I wouldn't have thought so. Have you
noticed anything else unusual lately?
Scott: Well, let's see. Blinking in surprise makes a noise. I develop
huge sweat drops when I'm nervous, face-faulting doesn't hurt anymore,
and my glasses fog up when i--never mind about that last one.
Tofu: All of that sounds perfectly normal to me. Wait, you mean
face-faulting used to hurt?
Scott: Yes.
Tofu: I'll have to run some tests to be sure, but it sounds as if you
are becoming normal from a previously anomalous state.
Scott (hits forehead): D'oh! Of course, you're an anime doctor! All of
this stuff *is* normal to you.
Tofu: This is purely speculation on my part, of course, but it may be
possible that prolonged contact with being from our universe has embued
you, via osmosis, with certain of their physical characteristics.
Scott: I'm turning into a toon.
Tofu: I shouldn't worry too much. There are far worse fates.
Scott (remembering certain dream sequences) True...
Tofu: I'll drop by again in a couple of days to see how you're doing.
(Raises his voice) You can come back in now.
(Shampoo, Ranma and Akane enter.)
Akane: I'll see you home, Doctor.
(Kitchen. Light. You know the drill.)
Ranma: So how you doing?
Scott: Fine. (Angry) For someone who's turning into a cartoon
character!
Ranma: Oops. So who knew? Besides, think of the benefits. Fast
healing...
Scott: Getting attacked on a regular basis...
Ranma: No, I don't think that's a physical property.
Shampoo: Scott not worry! Shampoo find artifact that work for sure!
(She hauls out a box.)
Shampoo: Hmm. Magic Baby Bottle Nipple, Amazon Wonder Bra--
Ranma: I'm amazed Happosai didn't steal that.
Shampoo: New model. Only made last year. Jewel of Stupidity, no make
joke if Ranma know what good for him, Magic Fingerless Gloves, Explosive
Whoopie Cushion...
Scott: I'm going out for some air. When I get back, I want those magic
items *gone*. I am not going to put up with even one more lame-brained
plan to use magic to force love!
(He leaves, slamming the door.)
Shampoo: ...and Amnesia Shampoo.
Ranma: Give it up, Shampoo. Scott just said he didn't want you to to
that anymore. And why the heck do you keep putting those spices in your
cooking, when you know the labels are wrong?
Shampoo: This fanfic. Shampoo always drug food in fanfics.
(Akane returns.)
Akane: Well?
Ranma: Scott's upset. And with good reason. We've been here a month,
eating his food, sleeping in his bedroom, wrecking his furniture, and
we're still no closer to getting his romantic relationships resolved.
Heck, we haven't even been able to start him on one.
Akane: Let's look through all his fics and fragments again. Maybe we
can find something we missed before.
* * *
(A few hours later. The three visitors are conferring.)
Ranma: Okay, everyone clear on the plan?
Akane: I think so.
Shampoo: Ready!
(The hall door opens, and Scott enters. The kids try to look
innocent.)
Scott: Hi, everyone. I trust we won't have any more magic nonsense.
Shampoo: No nonsense! (smiles.)
Ranma: Look, Scott, I know we haven't always been the best of guests,
but I think we've got a good plan this time...
Scott: I'm listening...
(Scott fails to notice Shampoo sneaking up behind him.)
Ranma: You've been under a lot of stress, and...
(Shampoo pulls out a bottle of hairdressing liquid, a comb and a
towel...)
Akane: ...We think you'll like this...
`(Shampoo leaps at Scott.)
Shampoo: XIA--
(Fade to black)
TO BE CONTINUED
(And this time, it's not a dream sequence!)
SKJAM!
"All the girls want you to be their man, but I'm waiting till it's my turn,
I'm not the kind of girl who gives up just like that..."
(from just about any Ranma or Tenchi female chaacter)
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