「當時，他在草原上，遇到一頭獅子。他立刻從背上抓下槍來瞄準。
然而，他立刻發現他錯了，他拿到的是雨傘，不是槍。」
「這時已經太遲，獅子正站在他面前，就要撲過來。
他沒辦法，只好把雨傘扛上肩，使盡吃奶的力量
『砰！砰！砰！』大叫三聲。奇蹟發生了，
那獅子竟然倒下來，死掉了。」
「狗屎！這怎麼可能？」老人大叫。「那一定是別人幹的！」
「我也這麼覺得。」醫師說...
「她怎麼拒絕的？」
「她只說了一個字！」
「唉！一個女人說『不』，意思就是『是』啊！」
「我知道，但這女人不是說『不』，
她是說『呸』！」
一日，小明的老師要他寫一則日記，
題目是：我最難忘的一件事。
小明寫道：昨天早上，我要去上學，一打開門，卻見一堆狗屎在門口。
我就大吃一斤........
接著，姊姊也要去上學，她看到了，也大吃一斤.......
敢緊叫爸媽出來看，結果他們也多大吃一斤.......
真是令人難忘的一天！!!
物理性質:
1.表面通常為一彩色膜包覆
2.任何時候均不沸騰,也無法用已知方法使之凝固
3.用特殊方法處理可使之融化
4.用不正確的方式品嘗的話是苦的
5.以不同狀態存在於自然界中,從virgin metal到common ore均有可能
6.在某一固定點其壓力無限大
化學性質:
1.和金銀等貴金屬及某些寶石有很大的親和力
2.可吸收大量的昂貴物質
3.可能在沒有任何理由及預警下會引起自發性嚴重爆炸
4.不溶於任何以知液體,但在酒精飽和的情形下,其活性會大幅上升
5.對人類而言是已知最強的Money reducing agent
通常用途:
1.高度裝飾性,特別是擺在跑車中
2.對於疏解壓力有很大的功效
3.非常有效的清潔劑
測試結果:
1.在自然狀態下發現的純質呈玫瑰色
2.將另一更完美純質置於旁邊時會變成綠色
潛在危險:
1.非經驗老道者處理可能引起不可預知的結果
2.同時持有一個以上視為違法,但數個樣本可以在彼此不直接接觸的情形下保存在不同的地區
警告:長時間接觸此元素會引起生理,心理及經濟上的嚴重傷害
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not
going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game
on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until
he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
(The answer to "What's wrong?")
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole!
Men's English
"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense. Let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out
of this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it. We'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look
that much different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
with other guys.(while shopping)
"I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am
gay.
蔣幹無功而返後，曹操仍不死心，決定親自出馬，雙方又到陣前展開了以下一段對話。
一開始又是一段禮貌性的寒喧：
曹操：「瑜，你好嗎？」
周瑜：「很好！很好！」那：「操，你全家好嗎？」
曹操：「很好！很好！」
這時候曹軍將士聽到對方主帥當眾污辱己方主帥全家，而己方主帥
竟不聞不問時，登時士氣完全瓦解，三軍戰鬥意志盡失。
當然，曹操這一趟也是無功而返。
不久周瑜就對曹軍發動了決定性的攻擊，由於曹軍已無戰鬥意
志，兩軍一接觸，曹軍立即潰敗，退出了江北，造成了歷史上三國
鼎立的局面。
唉！一個錯誤的巧合竟造成中國多了七十二年的分裂﹝AC208---AC280﹞