Friday, August 20, 2004||Missin' the southern hospitality
Eric had to rub it in my face and texted me a message stating, “ You’re missing the parties of the century.” I’m not a party person, but I have three invitations-which I want to go to all three. Someone wanna buy me a one way ticket to the Big Easy? I need to get my ass back down there. Last weekend Chris threw a house warming party for her newly purchase home, that’s half an hour away from New Orleans. The whole gang called me up 3 o’clock in the morning, wanting to include me in the picture also. I felt the love. They were all hilarious. Eric got piss drunk for me. And Charyn’s restaurant is opening up tomorrow night. (Then there’s her wedding in December. I’m hoping that I’m able to make it) Even though, I’m not down there, they still try to include me into their plan. Aren’t they sweet? They’re going clubbing again this weekend. I’m not a clubbing person either, but dayum I had fun at 360. Club 360, is located on the 33rd floor of the World Trade Center. It has a 360-degree view of New Orleans. Incredible view. I was told it’s the world’s largest revolving lounge. I will never forget that experience. I guess it because, clubbing here in Toronto-when I used to club with my girlfriends; I always felt excluded and left to drink alone. But with them, they make sure I had a good time. Jet even stated he couldn’t care less if I was from Canada and can’t dance-he make me dance. Every time I tried to sit my ass down, Charyn comes around and pull me right back to the dance floor. I felt like a piece of meat though. *Urg* I was being pass around from one person to the next. But it was all good dancing with the gang. I enjoy dancing with Lin and the rest of the ladies. Up until the guys started to stick their asses in. But it was all good. Mike even started to break-that crack us all up. Eric and I danced to like half a song, only because he was a little too much for me. But Benjamin and I took the cake for making fools of ourselves on the dance floor. Yup, ya'll heard right, I danced. Not only that, but I had fun doing so. But ya won't catch me dancing in Toronto.:P And it wasn’t just partying- I even had a blast doing simple things like playing Monopoly on a rainy day (Momma E bankrupt all of us. She still rocks!). And late night movie flicks-that was comical. The vampire tour that Benjamin and I went on that was way cool. A little eerie, since it was a walking tour at night. I’m happy in New Orleans. Life there is so laid back. That was one of the reasons why I didn’t want to come back. It’s my home away from home.This time around I will not post any pictures of my trip. I simply don’t have time to scan them.
Friday, August 20, 2004|| The Flaw In Women
I hate it when my email account is overflowing with spam mails. I simply click and delete them. But my sister always seems to send ones that are inspirational and uplifting. (Since she works in the tourism industry, she also sends notice of one-dollar flight fares. Coming this September 7th, flights from Toronto to Montreal are only a dollar. For more information on this or any other one-dollar deal, contact me) Here’s a recent email my sister sent me. For all the men who reads this, I hope you appreciate the present and love of women in your life. And ladies, this is a sure read:By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?" And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart-and she will do everything with only two hands." The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish." "But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days." The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord." "She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish." "Will she be able to think?", asked the angel. The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate." The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one." "That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!" "What's the tear for?" the angel asked. The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride." The angel was impressed.. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing." And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends.. Women have vital things to say and everything to give.HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Three more weeks until finals! Plus another two weeks of practical-so by the end of September I’ll be done with my schooling. Yahoooo! I’m excited, it a fresh new start with a career and new visions of living life.I can feel the competition heating up among some of my classmate. It’s hilarious. This semester, though it’s much difficult than the first, I find myself more nonchalant with my studies. I’m somewhat slacking off. I haven’t really cracked open my materials and study for any test really. Beside the anatomy exam. (De'fnly got to study for the upcoming pharmocology test) Still pulling my usual grades. There’s still drama, but it’s more serious. There was almost a catfight last week. *Meeoooow*. And then there's the tension between this lady and myself. (But I try to be nice to everyone. It’s just not in me to be rude and vexing like some folks) She been up on my ass ever since I spoke up in first semester regarding some matters. I was just stating my option and dayum lady got to go and flip it around. I was speaking for myself, not the whole class. She would always use the excuse of "ageism". That just *beepen* piss me off. That have nothing to do with how hard I study and the grades I'm making. It just goes to show I have better studying habits and some are just envy of it. If my personality was different, I think this lady and me would’ve gotten at it long ago. But just to see her skin crawl, I fire back with sarcasm. Just because you’re older, doesn’t give you the right to speak to me rudely. Respect needs to be earned. But I’m having such a good month I can’t even be bother. Ok minus this past weekend. Heard some terrible shit, got me all hurt inside. But I was trying to keep my cool. Figure I get to see my guy; he’ll make me feel better. But nooooo, boy got to go makes shit worse. He doesn’t know the situation, didn’t even bother to ask. Then again I wouldn’t have told him. I don’t understand him, why he gots to go twist it around like that and didn’t return my book. He might find it funny, but he doesn’t understand I get in shit for it. Show how much he cares… but I’m cool now. After he dropped me off, I had to take care of some business. Or was suppose to, but I got the run around. Have you ever watch someone you love fcuk up? And you can’t do nada about it? It hurts me…. But my babe cheered me up. I can always count on my seven years old nephew to put a smile on my face. We went biking for four hours along the bike trail. It was beautiful and peaceful. And Sunday afternoon was a perfect day for bike riding
Thursday, July 29, 2004
Need a break from Toronto.....Laissez les bon temps rouler
Monday, July 26, 2004
Y’all ever had the urge to scream, I’M IN LOVE! at the top of your lungs? I’m feeling it. I can’t stop starring or touching. If I keep this up, pretty soon I might get an orgasm-lol. Gotta give prop to Lat, for hooking me up with the new hair do. Adding some “flavour” to my life. I’m loving it.Beside that, same ol’ drama in class, life’s sailing, steady. Kicked it with Robyn "hood” a few weeks ago. Been quite awhile. Don’t know if he’s growing taller or I’m just shriking (that’s a little scary). His daughter is so precious (Hi Isa) Still have yet to see her. We did our usual: bowling and dinner at Jack’s Astor. All those time Robyn dragged my ass to his bowling league tournaments is paying off. I’m improving! So I bowl less than a 100, but it’s way better than what I started off with. (ain’t a pro, but hell I had a great time) Yeah! No more gutter balls. Think I was 5 or 6 points away from scoring a free- a FREE ride down to the Big Easy. Think it was all expensive paid, minus the gas. But hey got a driver and all: rooooad trip. But Dammit! Thanks for the motivation though!& drinks.
Monday, July 19, 2004
I don't know why I flood my mind with nonsense. I make up scenarios of possible future events. I then would get upset about them. I'm so dumb at times. I did some deep thinking though. I thought about life and the things that need to be done and things I shouldn't do. I'm always finding myself at the crossroads of what if's and could have's. A piece of me is still slowly dying, but the other parts are still struggling to move forward.
Sunday, July 04, 2004
I’m having one of those Sundays. The kind of Sunday, where all I want to do is just lay in bed. Hasn’t had a lazy Sunday in such a long time. The sound of the raindrops on the tree and gust of winds awoke me from a wonderful dream. I needed the rest. Especially from yesterday trip to Buffalo/Niagara NY with Latda. Dayum, 40 years from now, Lat and I will be telling our grand kiddies about this trip-it was just an memorial one. The trip was terrible, but none the less a great experience. Yo, it was so bad; when we crossed back to Canadian soil we were kissing the floor. We were glad to be back home. We’re laughing about it about now. Even the custom officer laughed at us. But of course, Lat and I didn’t let the experience rain on our parade; we make the best of it. The only nice person we met was this cool ass chick on the bus ride home. (and those hot Australians guy the bus ride to NY. Come to think of it, the ride there and back was the best experience. Isn’t that sad?) Glad to know, it wasn’t just us that had a bad experience with Americans. It was pure laughter on the way home. Can’t wait for our next road trip.
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
My stomach was doing flip-flop, my hands began to tremble -I was becoming anxious…it was my first time. He spoke softy and said it would be an experience I’ll never forget. He putted on his protective gears, as I unzipped my top and stripped down to just a black tank top. He sat me down and asks if I was comfortable, I nodded. Sweetly he said to just breath normally and if I feel any ache of tense, he would stop for me. He wanted to make sure I was comfortable. He didn’t want to jeopardize anything. Our eyes spoke to one other, and then it began. I can’t begin to describe the feeling. It was nothing like what I heard from my girlfriends. (But each one of us has a different level of pain endurance) It wasn’t half bad. It was so relaxing and so natural like the air we breathe. An hour passed and he was completed. He cleanses me, making sure I wouldn’t get any infection and handed me a mirror. The reflection-the reflection of his work was beautiful. I’m in love with this newly tattoo of mine. Tattooing won’t be an obsession. Nahh, not like the piercing craze-haha. Speaking of piercing, I’m just down to eight now. Yeah, Narom had to take the brow & tongue ring out. It’s “unprofessional” in the work place. Unlike the rest of my body art (piercing), it took me months to deliberate if I wanted this form of art permanently inked onto my skin. There was some night when I couldn’t sleep, because design of inspiration kept me awake. Most of my “creative” idea comes crawling in the night. I knew I wanted something culturally that connected to me spiritually: apsara-but it been ages since I last drew a picture. I went through about half a notebook, when I realize I couldn’t master the “image” that was playing in my head. I wanted a masterpiece! And the images I found online, wasn’t a replica of what my heart set forth. It was about a month ago when the idea came to me in a dream. My “soulmate” was my inspiration for this. Every time we parted he would seal his kiss, with the whispering words of …"until our souls unite”. (translation of the tattoo) It has been our signature since we first met. So I had that encryted in my native tongue. I patiently wait for that day. I wish that day would be today, for all I know is my heart yearns for his…parts of me will continue to feel that emptiness until our souls unite.Got my mid term back. Scored a 95% on the theory and a 97.5% on the practical. So my first term average sits at 96.5%. I’m not quite content with my average. It’s an “A” I should be please with my mark, but I guess my “perfectionist” personality and “overachiever” attitude dislike it. The fact that I did poorly in high school play some factor in my guilt for not doing better. Things could be worse. I’ll live with it.
Saturday, June 26, 2004
Jay: well I was in that phase, just gotta try to balance it out phyrunme: i knowJay: I kno itz hard, but try to come to a conclusion in 3 things that ya lookin forme : im not sure what im looking for, anymore. There's question marks everywhere.Jay: support= regardless of any situation, I kno theres someone out there who will go all out for youJay: if its not there in the physical, its spiritual the perpetual motivation in ya soul to give you a reason to do what your doing each and everydayme : you always know what to say-thanksme: huggiesJay: npJay: ya strong phyrun, strong minded and strong spirituallyme: i feel emotional weak thoughJay: just that you need to look at the main things in lifeJay: iz like does this bottle of heineken owns my happiness?
Friday, June 25, 2004
How can one stay calm in a situation where they have been betrayed? I’m trying to keep my cool, but my emotions are raging with violent thoughts. I don’t want my tears to shelter me-not this time. Not for "the guy".(Well it's better I got stab in the back, then stab in the heart) It’s all my fault: for letting my feelings for him be so genuine and shown, so quickly. @#$%&* Maybe I’m just looking for love in all the wrong places. I’m so frustrated. I don't wish anything bad upon him, but I truly believe in karma. All I asked was for honesty and not some 8th grade drama. I haven't given "the guy" the chance to explain himself...does he deserve it? I'm not sure if I can believe anything he said anymore. (We weren’t together long, but I became so attach to him. Not in a sense that I was depended on him, but along the line of being accustomed to the way he would shyly smile at me, that “kiddies” laughter he have and his laid back style to driving. It’s going to be that much harder for me to forget about him because of the bond we had. Why do I attract the wrong kind of guys? What did I do in the previous life that got my love life cursed? fcuk! a week from now I know I will miss him....gawdayum woman! *slap self* *wake up* he played with ya emotions. Forget all those sht-for heaven sake, all the things he said could've been base on a lie) Hey, he lost a good woman. He lost an even greater friend.
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Mid term is finally over!!!!! 95% baby!!!
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
"Odds are you won't be able to concentrate on anyone but the person you've been fixated on for weeks. Oh, why fight it? Mention your condition to the appropriate party."I’m not a believer of horoscope, but gawddayum that above statement is true. Just the thought of "the guy" makes me giggles and hearing his voice, it just lightens up my days. When I’m around him, I get butterflies-my heart races twice as fast, and my palms get all sweaty. (that’s so unlike me though) I’m falling hard for “the guy”, but at the same time I’m vigilance about my feelings. I try not to open up too much, for fear of being hurt again. There’s just something about him- our vibes: the radiant energy, he’s just special. I haven’t connected with anyone on that level for such a long time. Lat said it’s an early indication of “force of the heart in a battle with desire” or something technical likes that. The way I feel for him, it’s along the line between like and ardour. With time, it def'nly can lead to more possibilities. June 06, 2004Someone from my past, just recently appear in my life. This time the ball is in my court, I ain't gonna let you screw with my emotions, again.
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
FIRSTS :First best friend: Benjamin (he’s still my b/friend)First car: n/a. unless my legs counts. It gets me ‘roundFirst date: a walk through the parks-then we rode the swings. It was cute and innocent.First real kiss: the beginning of summer ‘89First breakup: it was about six years agoFirst screen name: ladydragon_fist (she's retire)First self purchased album: Michael Jackson’s ThrillerFirst funeral: My uncle’s-three years ago.First pets: n/a*First tattoo: june 26 2004*First credit card: june 2004First love: martial artsFirst enemy: (probably the only one)devon. worstmotha*beep* that ever crossed my face.First musician you remember hearing in your house: my mother*:updated on 062604LASTS :Last cigarette: gone 22 years without one, I’mma stick to that planLast car ride: last long weekend to st.catsLast kiss: august 18 2001Last good cry: summer 2002. (Her beauty mesmerized me-it left me breathless… and when I felt her for the first time, she’s was graceful. And her smiles… her smiles it light up my entire world, I knew I was home. Her exterior was run down, but her soul didn’t present itself that way. She may have suffered in her glory, but will heal in time. Distance doesn’t matter, because she has a piece of my heart, even before time.) Last library book checked out: it was some medical bookLast movie seen: the punisherLast beverage drank: carrot juiceLast food consumed: grilled veggies sandwichLast crush:? Paul. Damn he's bloody fine. But we can't go down that route, gotta keep it strictly on the friendship level, cuz we're Team Knock Out.Last phone call: last night w/ “the guy”Last time showered: this morningLast shoes worn: my worn out black&white pumaLast cd played: Sin Sisamouth's greatest hits vol.1Last item bought: undergarmentsLast annoyance: -Last disappointment: Saturday night (let's not speak of that day)Last time wanting to die: sometime last yearLast shirt worn: currently have one onLast website visited: hotmail.comLast word you said: “dayummmm”Last song you sang: Tamia "Poetry"
Sunday, May 30, 2004
He came to me again last night. For the longest time we just stared into each other eyes. I found contentment in that. I felt so save in his arms. He’s here to rescue me...to protect me. His face was a shade of golden toasted caramel-it was smooth, as I ran my finger down his cheek. To make sure what I was seeing-what I was feeling was real. In another world, another dimension, it was real-it happened…we happened. I whispered, “I still love you”. He didn’t speak a word, the entire night, but it doesn’t matter. We connect more deeply than any spoken words can describe. I knew precisely how he felt as we lay naked right next to one another. I want to live that moment forever. For everything was right. I finally felt complete. Sometime I just want to sleep forever-for I never want to wake and realize you're not apart of my world. But my love, wherever you are, my heart its yearning for you to come into my life with love. Someday, our paths will surely cross… until our souls unite……
Friday, May 28, 2004
After class Thursday night, my girl Lat (I swear she’s a mirror image of me. Everything she gone through, I went through. We got the same good taste in clothing and whatnots and our personality-whoa it’s kinda scary. Cuz we’re so much alike. But I always wanted an older sister. And I found her less than three months of college) decided to just have a “chill” day. My exam was the next day and her demo was schedule for Friday also. But we just needed to forget about school and be carefree. And people need that in their lives. It’s good to be focus on your schoolwork, but there comes a point where you must let loose and not let stress pull you under. Any how I wasn’t worry about my exam, I partially studied it during the long weekend and plus Tuesday. I know my materials in and out. And on an even brighter note, the instructor marked my exam on the spot and I aced that motha...goose.Last and certainly not least, CONGRATES to Jackson and his wifey! Lucky mofo. I’m happy for you and I wish ya’ll the best. You deserve every drop of loving and joy. Cross my fingers I’ll find that happiness in this lifetime also. Back in the summer of last year, when I was going through some shitty situations, Sam and I had a conversation about being envy of others.me: “I envy everyone who’s happy and loved"Sam: “Envy? U shouldn't envy people cause of their happiness; Its not like u can't be that way. What u're doing now is a step towards u're happiness, by moving on and making a choice that'll at least make u a little happier. Even though some people don’t see it that way. Life is full of happiness; its just u gotta look for it. This is fate for u, so u can grow stronger and wiser. Always look at the positive sides to things. for every yin there is yan. A Khmer farmer used to say, " The cobra scares my wife, and she does want to feed the chickens. But at least the mice aren't feeding on my rice grains." me: “Yes, you're right. Since you're somewhat "psychic" can you tell me when that happiness will kick in? If you know the exact date that would even be better. One more question, will I be able to find my soul mate in this lifetime? And don't give me no bullsh*t answer.”Sam: “LOL, I'm not that kind of psychic, I can't tell you things like that. Only when things that are really bad, then it might kick in. But u a strong person, build ur happiness and not wait for it. I feel u got a strong guardian angel wacthing over u. Fate will help u out, just make sure u know what u want and look, but don't give it up. Sounds gay but its true. If u're not happy cause of things, make it better so u're happy. simple and easy, don't make things so complicated. I learned that the hard way. I used to want to make every one happy, but it was very hard. So when I started to focus on me more, people took it as an insult. Thinking that I was trying to avoid them and not wanting to hang out and do things. Started saving my money trying to build a company, and people thought I didn't want to buy drinks for them. They thought I was cheap beacause they're used to me buying the drinks all the time, helping paying for food that I didn't even touch. I had to move on, when I almost dying in the hospital, my true friends were there. that's what u gotta do, find who is who in ur'e life. Family will always be there, even when they don't understand, so tell them whats up and give them the respect and do what has to be done. People will take things seriously when something serious happens. another Khmer saying, hehe : When u cut the chickens head off in front of the monkeys. They'll know not to fool around. Meaning, the monkeys are always fooling around taking things from the farmer, but when they saw the farmer kill the chicken, they got scared and knew not to mess around no more.”Yeah I’m on a road of contentment. Career wise anyway. My love life? ...its still non-exisiting.
Monday, May 24, 2004
I have no right to complain. I should thanks the heavens for having another day to breathe the gift of life. I sat and watch the thunder drum the earth, and observe the lighting beam the dark skies. I remembered him saying that every time it rain, it was tears of an angel. A message of love, sent to those beloved one below from heaven. I sat in silent and listened to the melody of his cries. He’s sending his love to me. In the photo, just two and a half years old, she’s styling in a blue floral ruffle dress and matching sandals. So innocent with her bucket full of sand and shovel. She has his’ eyes, beautiful almond brown. And her smile, it illumination the beauty that lay within her father. He had these plans for her. For the sake of his unborn child, and his future bride, he’s willing to change. “I found my purpose here on earth. They're my reason…” But with the unexpected turn of events, he never had a chance to say "I do" to the love of his life. See the birth of his daughter, her first step, her first birthday, her first day of school, nor will he ever get to share the “father and daughter dance” on her wedding day. So much he wanted to share with them. He wanted to be there for his family. Spiritually, we know he is.
Friday, May 21, 2004
I need to install a punching bag in my closet. Man, what a *beep* up day it has been. I need to take out my frustration. Guess I’ll let my fingers do the b!tching. I didn’t let the bad news that I received from my lawyer upset me. Nor did I let one of my classmate get to me. I kept my cool through it all, cuz the thought of seeing “the guy” tonight got me all excited. Heck, I been looking forward to tonight since Monday. Sometime I just have so much expectation of people that in the end it gets my hopes up. And I hate myself for it. *&%#my plans got ruin once again. I ain't mad, just disappointed. I want to be able to open up to him, without having the fear of being hurt again. But by the looks of thing, I don't think it's possible. And we're at the stage of "just talking". Maybe I'm just leaping into things too quickly. Because I find myself lost with him in my thoughts. I look forward to his phone calls [and mind you, I aint a phone person]. I haven't had those feelings for a long time. I don't want to put my heart on the line and get it broken again. Maybe the best thing for me is to focus on school. All these other things, it's too much headach. I'll work on piercing my heart back together another time. Forget about the romantic picnic @ the beach, the cn tower, and everything else. It ain't gonna happen, Phyrun. (stop making plans) I know all guys aren't the same but, love already turned its back to me. I don't want to be in that position again. I guess I'm trying harder to find a reason to smile again.... (Sam, don’t even think about lecturing me. Seriously I am not in the mood for one) “When you tell somebody that you're going to be somewhere and that person re-arranges their whole life around for you that you should be a lot more aware and a lot more considerate...”-Catch, Angel eyes
Thursday, May 20, 2004
Got my Sin SiSamouth’s cd in the mail yesterday. That man vocals is heavenly. It’s so soothing it rocked me to sleep. I image that it was my lover whom lay next to me (instead of an empty space on my queen size bed), as we cuddle together he would sing a melodious lullaby in my ears. How I yearn for the simplicity of having that kind of romance. Where is my prince charming? Uh-oh nostalgic kicking in.
Saturday, May 15, 2004
I'm not sure if I can completely let go of the past. I find myself lingering to it....longing for the return of that short lived happiness. But I'm trying to move forward....for the anguish isn’t worth the investment You have friend like, Jackson, who keeps you motivated to better yourself and your future. Someone like him encourage me to strife harder in life, because I triumph the stormy obstacle-we both did. I wouldn’t want to see him on that track of life again and vice versa. We’re journey life at the same pace, hand in hand. There to catch each other falls’…what are friends for, eh? Plus the occasional corny jokes and drunken serenading-anything for a smile.
Monday, May 10, 2004
All I want now-at this precise moment is to hear the sound of his voice. There’s just something magical in his vocal…his laughter…his smile, that transport my soul to tranquilly.
Wednesday, May 09, 2004
I always end up messing up a possbile happy future or something. It's like it's almost impossible for me to accept happiness. Maybe it's because I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. I just can't let go of my mistakes
Friday, May 07, 2004
There’s so many skeleton in my closet, that it’s become a cemetery.
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Maybe it was the walk from school, or the beautiful weather. Or could it be something I ate? I was just saturated with energy and excitement today. First thing I did when I got home, headed straight to the kitchen looking for ingredients. I was in the mood to cook up a storm. Actually I didn’t want to go to that extend and labour. I just wanted to bake. But there’s no point to make something if I’m not able to scoff it down. I’m not on a diet-never had never will; I’m just more “alert” of what I’m eating, nowadays. Maybe that’s contributing to my energy level and sleep pattern. I had been sleeping like a baby all last week. It’s wonderful. Haven’t slept like that in ages. Maybe it’s had something to do with the gingko bilbo that I’m taking? Who knows? I just hope it nothing short lived-don’t want to crash and burn when exam rolls around.We had our third test today. Think I fairly did well. (Defn’ly didn’t get perfect on this one. I was aiming for the 100%. Came close with the last two. Maybe Friday test, I’ll score a perfect mark.) There was a question, where we had to state the abbreviation for the medical term. I knew the answer, but instead of writing “blood” I wrote “bun”. Wtfunk was I thinking? It didn’t cross my mind until I handed in my test. I hope she give half a mark, because I got urea nitrogen right. Stupid mistake like that killed me on my first exam. I ended up with a 99%. It’s still good. But I kicked myself in the rear for that. I go over the test when it complete, but I don’t catch mistakes like those. I focus on the “harder” question and skip the ones I know. I’m so hard on myself. But I need too. Because I *beep*ed up in high school. I got ok grades. I could’ve done better, but I wasn’t focus. Guess now that I’m in college; I’m making up for it. (Actually before this course started I was aiming toward the 80’s. I’m doing way better than I thought. Especially since I have no previous health/medical background. Kids, studying sure does pay off!) And paying x amount of cash, I better get flying colours. I hope I can maintain my grades till graduation. That's the hard part; maintaining my A average. The long weekend is coming up; I probably will reward myself with something. Little Rhodie sounds good. (Jackson, will you be back by the 24th to be my tour guide?) Naww. That’s going to put me more in the hole. Maybe a quiet getaway somewhere closer to home? Or I can waste it on studying...hmmm……I don't know how it will work, but I must schedule time for kickboxing. I'm lacking when it comes to working out. My morning exercise isn't fun. It’s no fun working out alone. I’m motivated and all, but when you have a work out partner, it just pushes you that much farther. Well for me anyways. Dee supposes to be my motivation (and vice versa). That was our agreement…new year resolution, whatever you want to call it. Milton been upset because it been awhile since we been to the studio. But it’s hard with our schedule. She’s sometime working 14-hour shifts and Milton’s in the studio by 4:30, but I don’t get out of class till 6. It sucks. Think my membership for shaolin kung fu is still valid. I don’t mind travelling up to Wilson, but the hours of class doesn’t fit my schedule either. I’m left to fend for myself. Well, must make due with what I have: mornings-morning workouts. Did I mention I purchased a pilates dvd over the Christmas break? I watched from beginning to end and then rewind and started some of the movement. That workout isn’t for me. It was boring. The intensity just wasn’t there for me. What a waste of money eh? I didn’t really give it a chance. I’m just so used to the physical contact and high energy."We miss you Stanley. Come back to Toronto"*sniff sniff* *blow nose* awww maybe next year. My sister said the Leaf loss because I'm a jinx. I was rooting for the hometeam also. Anyhow a Canadian team won't win it, ya know why? Because if they did, Americans wouldn't be watching hockey. It's about rating. Or maybe one of the underdog will take it, Flames or Tampa Bay?
Monday, May 03, 2004
[this is yesterday entry]Got out the boxing gloves and relieved some build up stress. For that half an hour, it was therapeutic. But now I’m back to reality. No matter what direction I run to, I’m follow by guilt. I trust my heart, but why do I feel so callous? This issue is eating me up inside. I couldn’t even look mother in the eyes and apologize-because I know my decision is breaking her heart. I never wanted it to come this far. I feel like I have to choose between my family and my happiness. If things continue like this, the stress and the combining of my emotion will deteriorate the disease. And I don’t want “the episode” of a seizure like to happen again.I went for a walk Saturday night, to clear my head. I didn’t want too because I was afraid I might run into “that dude” again. But I can’t lock myself from life because of “that dude”. A trip down to lakeshore bldv., always helps, but that mine and Daniel’s chill spot and….long story, I’ll save it for another entry. I headed east toward my cousin. I felt like sh!t, probably look like sh!t also, and I just wanted to get my hair done; braids it or do some crazy cornroll. But my baby cousin wasn’t home. Monica and my cousin, Sokha, were kicking it inside, so I spent some time with my ladies. (We known Monica since grade school). They’re like twin…*beep* they’re glue to each other; wherever one goes, surely you’ll find the other. I always felt like an outcast with them two. They’re a year older, they have more of the same interest also [smoking buddies, club hoping, same fashion taste] but it’s no big deal. Can’t believe Monica gonna have a baby. Dayum! In a good way, though. Congrats, girl! Out of nowhere, we heard banging up agaisnt the walls. I thought my cousin’s next door neighbour was getting beat, I was about to call the cops [I know it isn’t my business], then Sokie was like, it was her brother and his wifey. But it wasn’t abuse; they were going at it like animals in the next room. Gawdlord, how the hell does one sleep with all that noise? It was pure jokes that night. Stress reliever. The noise was so disturbing we went up to Monica’s apt. First thing the girl did, was handed me a bottle of Guyanese Rum. Wtf?@#$* That sh!t is so strong, I almost got *beeped* the first time I tired. Those two are so used to me drinking, that they forgot I stopped with the liquor. 3 more months and it will be a year. I’m so proud of myself. I had problems back then, I wouldn’t label it alcoholism, I think alcoholic are people who can’t live without alcohols. It’s like they have it the first thing in the morning, night and a whole lot in between. That wasn’t me. I just abused alcohol a lot. I’m not gonna relieve my stress that way. So I asked for their opinion, they didn’t have to think about it and at the exact moment yelled “sex”. LOL. [buttercup, you better skips this selection. Don’t want your virgin eyes to be reading this. Quick cam cover her eyes…]...they think I need to get laid or something. Ya need to crawl up a chicken ass and wait. I'm content. *edit/entry been deleted*Everyone thinks I need a man. Yak yakking about playing matchmaker; I don’t need that either. Who said I’m not talking to someone? I don’t want to jinx it or anything because I really fancy this guy. I see potential there. But yeah, it was good to be in an environment with my girlfriends. Been awhile since we had a ladies night out.
Saturday, May 01, 2004
Time doesn't heal all wounds. The "physical" blemish might disappear, but no matter how deep you bury the "mental" scar, something will prompt the memory and the nightmare will re surface. You can’t rely on the law to protect you round the clock, either.
032004|08:32]bear hugs&olive ewes I know you’re celebrating your 24th birthday with angels. Wish I was invited to the party. I still miss you...[edit:032104|1222]It was the start of the ’89 school year, in Balfour’s class that we first met. Wasn’t it in the middle of winter when our class had to move out to the portable? It was frigging cold. I don’t recall when it all began, but it was in that classroom that a beautiful friendship blossomed. While you greeted everyone with simple hellos, I was the lucky one who always received your signature bear hug. There hasn’t been a single day that I haven’t thought of you. I would give anything for one more of your bear hug. Remember that silly game Balfour make the whole class played, “Sorry, darling but I just can’t smile”? I was crowned “ice cold” for none of our fellow classmates could get me to smile with their impression of funny faces. No one liked to be thrown the pitch line, “sorry, darling but I just can’t smile.” But you got me to smile-actually laugh, with your scooby doo’s impression. You threw out a bunch of jibbish stuff that got the whole class pissing in their pants. I tired so hard to keep the laughter in but you got me with “olive ewe olive ewe.” That word just sounded so ridiculous. I cracked up so hard; I ended up hitting my head on the floor. Remember that? Throughout recess I still had the ice pack on and missed out on the double dutch challenge, but you apologized, scooby doo style. That word buried itself in the back of my head and it wasn’t until five years later that it reappeared. It was at our school dance, before summer vacation. You saved the last dance for me before heading off to high school. We savour each moment and conversate throughout the song. In a pose british accent you said “Darling will you please smile for me?” I responded with a terrible scooby doo impression “olive ewe olive ewe.” You flashed your oh so famous ear to ear smile of yours and replied “I do too.” Up until that point I was clueless. I repeated the words in my head…”olive ewe olive ewe olive ewe….I love you…?!?” You read my facial expression and chuckled “because you will always be my little teddy.” Those are distant memories, felt like a lifetime before, but I remember everything like it was all yesterday. LD, home of the flying dragons' will have a reunion this coming May, and you’re the one person I’m hoping to see. But that’s near impossible. We will reminisce about you in our hearts, well in mines anyway. I could never forget about you. You’ll always be apart of me. Olive ewe...LT [031304|11:18]back to basic events"Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own."-Mary SchmichOne of my new year resolutions is for a healthier life style. It’s not because of the low carb Atkin's diet craze. What my physician said to me last year just frightened me. I always thought, I’m young and fit-and an early grave doesn’t fit my description. But the signs were there; skipping medications and the constant “episode”, it’s a gamble I’m not willing to take with my health. So far I’m keeping up on my end. Back to basic. Back to what we all learnt in nutrition class in elementary grades; the four food groups. I don’t do the whole counting my calories or anything. I just opt for more portions in the department of the greens, orange, reds and dairy products. I read the labels and more alert of what my body’s in taking. I discovered alfalfa sprouts; grilled eggplants, lentils and chickpeas-they’re so yummy! I do more of my own cooking (lot of vegetarian dishes) and grocery shopping. I have the grocery list and all, so I can’t afford to satisfy on temptation. Anyhow I have to give up chocolate, nuts and seafood for a bit because of them dayum hives. Also I’m back in training. Not shaolin (can’t afford that at the moment). Haven’t bug Milton for any kickboxing lessons either. I been out of the game for almost a year (remission of the disease) and I don’t want to embarrasses myself, because Milton will work me to the bones (which I want) but my strength isn’t there yet (don’t want to collapse after a sparring match-that’s how bad my health is). So I have been my own personal trainer…motivating myself. I work out at home: aerobic/cardio and strength training-alternating days and stretching daily. I also have been keeping a fitness journal. It tracks my fitness gains, boosts my confidence and makes it easier to stay on track. I have to work my way up. So far, I feel good. Maybe in the summer the boxing gloves will be back on.[030404|11:14]afj&wjhf8dvsn!ozv%i;MT "Success doesn't happen on a part time mentality"-unknownSleep deprivation strips the meat that usually holds my cerebral bones in some kind of recognizable shape. If I'm not careful, today could be the day that I fall into a pit of depression that will last the remainder of the week. But I can't let that happen. I’m juggling 10 balls at once; research & datelines need to be met, appointments, physical training…I have too much sh!t to do.
*******************************************Friday, April 30, 2004
Life sure is beautiful, ain’t it? Ya know that feeling, when you wake from a good night rest with a smile on your face? Just starting my day with a smile, is so re-freshing. Life is beautiful. So there’s drama every single day in class, (opps, haven’t updated for so long, some of ya’ll don’t even know I’m back in school) but it’s only 5 hours in a day. Can’t let negative people hold you down. I’m doing my thang. I certainly don’t need to consume my time with all that gibberish. Some of their argument is justify, but we don’t need to hear it on a daily basis, ya know? Hey like Phil Collins said, “There will always be greater and lesser than you”. I’m just here to educate myself and better my future. The rest I could care less if they want to waste their precious time with garbage. We’re all adults; [a few still have the mentality of a grade 4 student] sacrifices have to be formulated for college. (This isn't high school. The teachers ain't gonna take you by the hand and guide you, baby you and all.) Forget clubbing on a Friday night, hit the books; review your notes every night. Do your homework, come to class prepare. Exercise your body, as well as your mind. Get plenty of sleep. But hey, that’s my technique for success. Call me a nerd…whatever. Ain’t nothing gonna get me down…well maybe hitting the 85% might freak me out. “Over achiever?” But life is treating me good. Can't complain. I'm still breathing and my family is in good health. The disease is finally stable [naww not cure yet, cam] and I’m finally on track with my career.... my life. Yeah, start everyday with a SMILE. People will wonder what’s the reason behind it, especially if it’s early Monday morning. Just show off those pearly whites.
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
"If I accept the sunshine and warmth I must also accept the thunder and lightning."-- Khalil Gibran *****************************************8 Monday, February 23, 2004
"A Man's children and his garden both reflect the amount of weeding done during the growing season."--unknownAs mardi gras approaches this fat tuesday, it also marks the third anniversary of pa Emnace [02/28] death. I recall the conversation vividly when Benjamin told me the news. We haven’t spoken in about three months due to our industrious lives. Usually we would update each other and such. But this time around, he was reserve. Though, he’s the strong quite type, I knew something wasn’t right. Benjamin and I have a weird way of communicating. He doesn’t have to breath a word, and I can sense something is troubling him.(We connect on a spiritual level, also) And you can’t play private investigator with him, because then he would simply shut down and quickly change topic. And you lose all hopes of finding out what’s wrong. In due time he would surrender to the pressure of it, and address about it briefly. That evening when we spoke, he was hesitant. That’s unlike his character. I simply asked him to send my hellos and love to mum and pa [his parents], like I had a million times in the past. He would always say “sure.” I remember him growing quite, like he was thinking, for he stuttered on his confused answer. He paused to gather his thoughts; “Pa died three and a half months ago. Cancer killed him. Prostate cancer.”Thinking back, Benjamin rarely spoke about his father. Even to this day. The only times were during our trip in Houston. We were browsing the aisle in Albertson-searching for a colour to dye our hairs. It was spontaneous because we just wanted to waste time until six flags would open. Benjamin mentioned the only time he dye his hair was way back when he got his ear pierced. That earring issues got his father furious and it led to a heated argument among the two. Then for the first time, he spoke of the night of his father passing; his regretion of going out partying with his friends, instead of spending the evening in the hospital with his father. I will never forget the look in Benjamin eyes’, when he grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly… “I was a second too late to say I love him. I couldn’t even say goodbye…”
Tuesday, February 17, 2004||say goodbye....
"The only devils in this world are those running around inside our own hearts, and that is where all our battles should be fought."-- Mahatma GhandiSometime in life, you just do things to please others. You sacrifice your own happiness, as the down payment. Last night I stopped lying to myself. I did a complete 360 on my life. This is what I want. But still, the guilt is eating me up inside. Will this change make me happy?
Monday, February 02, 2004||Stupidity, bought and paid for
I was debating if I should or shouldn’t help my cousin. She’s in a tight “situation" and I didn’t want to help, because of the wrong she done. And that clouded my judgement. Plus my egotism got in the way. Deep down I was feeling that guilt. For that moment I forgave her, because she’s family. Anyhow, another opportunity arises and I gave her the information. I even told her, I’d be willing to go with her. This is the perfect opportunity for her to get her foot into the door of success. We make plan to meet at 9:15 this morning at the mall. Perfect location; to grab a cup of coffee, and go over possible questions and it’s just a few block from the place. The interview doesn’t start until 10, but knowing my cousin she’ll be late. Even if her life depends on it, she will take her time doing her make-up. Me, nada. If it something important [like a job interview], I would rather be half and hour early and focus to prepare myself for it. *Beep* the make-up. I’m well dress in my business attire, [had my lucky tie on] confidence and enthusiastic. It was 10, to 10. I figure she was trying to find her way into the mall. Some of the entrances were still lock when I got there. So I waited for a bit. Then her tardiness got to me, so I call her up. The girl just got up!*&#% I took a deep breath and ask if she’s still coming. It isn’t too late. But she said no. That just threw me off. At least she should’ve called and inform me about it. That’s straight up rude. I got better thing to do on my days off, like sleep in. But I figure, we’re family…I’ll help her out. I’m not looking for a thank you or anything. [Not like she gave me one] I just want to see her do something with her life. This just draws the line, how she once again took advantage of me. [Why not take that energy and take advantage of the situation] She isn’t “struggling” and I hate to badmouth my cousin, but she’s just plain lazy. Helped her with her resume and hook her up with an interview. And it isn’t like they’re paying minimum wage; it’s $15 an hour to start. I wish someone‘d presented me with that opportunity when I was job hunting. All she needed to do was go to the interview. The job could’ve been her. Why do I continue to be nice? Her ways haven’t change much. I will not hold the grudge against her, because it was in the past. Let it stay there. Her intentions were good then. At least she was honest about it. And I admire that in a person. But I’m not sure if I want to waste another breath on her. So what if we grew up together? Won our medals together. We were on the same team: on and off the field. But sadly things changed. Like I said, that was in the past. We’ve grown. Well some of us are.I hope Milton, got kickboxing classes today. I need to relief some built up stress.
Tuesday, January 27, 2004||trapped on Nightmare ave
As if staying mentally steady and physically strong weren’t enough of a struggle, I am facing an even greater challenge these days. I tried to go about my daily routine, but since the incident , I’ve been more caution, and yet vulnerable to my surroundings. My most daunting task will be to maintain my spiritual sanity so that I don’t end up sliding into failure mode and thinking that I am a washed-up loser.I don’t recall the event leading up to it. I might have blacked out. But in a spilt second the day turned into night. I remember my heart beat frantically and I began to shake. He stood right beside, but I didn’t dare turn around. He whispered, “You can be bugged and beheaded. Then hung from a bridge by your internal organs if you breathe a word of what I am doing…but for your sake I will make this quick and painless.” He dragged me by my ponytail, and I tangled among the muddy solid of this earth. It continues for about ½ a mile. My eyes awaken and there knelt before me was a vacant grave. He pulled something out of his pocket, and soon I learnt it was a pistol. I could feel the mouth of it. It was right up against my temporal lobe. My brain scrambled, thinking, “This is it. This grave is intended for me. This is my final minute.” My eyes searched for help. And there to my right, laid Duane’s tombstone. In my mind I could see myself buried in the ground with only my bloodied head showing. I thought to myself “nothing can save me.” Then the phrase on Duane’s tombstone jumped at me: “Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal.” I closed my eyes, at the sound of him pulling back the lever. I accept my fate. “Soon I will join you. I am waiting for death now…”My alarm clock awoke me, before he could blow my brain to pieces. Thanks heaven it was all a dream. Or was it? It was just a darn photograph that triggered the memory. That makes me relive that moment. I’m positive it is he. For it began when I started crying, crying hard. It comes from deep down and gets out of hand quickly and I can't stop it once it starts. I have to be talked back; I can't seem to bring myself back. And I hyperventilate which is scary also. What will happen if I have to face him in court? Please don’t put me in that position. It will scar me for life.
Sunday, January 11, 2004|||Figment of the imagination
My mind is buried with a thousand thoughts. Each one keeps me up at night. Some are so bloodcurdling, that even at time I’m afraid to close my eyes. I have a childish fear of the dark. I can’t sleep in complete darkness. I see things that aren’t really there. My imagination manufactures the likes of boogy-monster, but in human form. At time the dark figure represent the grim riper. More often of a little unknown girl, who either is hack or strangle to death. There even been period when I would hallucinate. I don’t recognize the voice, but each word verbalizes directly toward me. They’re abusive. But last night, it was so intense. I put on my headphones and blasted the music on high, in hopes of annihilating the voice. But its vocal was too overpowering. I bang my head on the wall a few times. Shaking it so violently. Silent. There was silent. A second later, the voice drills itself back into my mentality. This time, it was....a cry for help. It was her. How can I forget? It was this time last year that “the vision” came to me. I was never inform of the exact date of her death, nor any update on her children well being and the murder charges against their father...eventually my cries rocked me to sleep...I hope in her next life, that she will be united with happiness. For I know she longed for that in the previous ones...
Sunday, January 11|| hot topic:babies
*then the conversation took an unexpected turn* *cam; there’s very few people who knows about it. And I would like to keep it that way. I have my reasons. Please don’t take it to heart. But there will come a day when you will know about it. Let it be cure first, and we can chitchat over coffee.
December 29, 2003
Darn email forwards%$#!@#& Those quizzes must be a fashion craze for dot com'ers [is that even a word?]. Had too much time on my hands and I’ve also fallen victim to it. Think this quiz is from the wnetwork. This is how I’m described:You're a natural leader. You're a woman of great integrity who'll stand up and fight for causes she believes in. People quickly learn that you always do what you say and say what you mean.[right definition of Phyrun] From what everyone can see, you have your act together. Inside you're driven by a vision for your future and the search to find love and a sense of "balance" in your life. [now if only I can find the time to set foot on that journey] Part of this is being able to spend time with your friends and still have time alone to relax and regroup. Because you're independent, you only let a few people get especially close.[so true. no need to re-live high school] But you also have a very romantic side hidden away and are ready to experience a genuine "spark" with someone.Finding a loving relationship is a mission for you. You have clear goals and even a timeline in mind. Falling in love is an especially magical experience. You're suddenly free from the rules and thinking that guide your life. You usually keep your feelings and life under control. But remember, the bigger the dam, the bigger the flood when it breaks! You face 2 major challenges in finding the love of your life. First, because your mind is so busy making sure you say and do the right things on dates, its hard for your deeper and caring self to come through. [I’m very caution of what I say. I bottle my emotions up. Because of past relationships, I learnt to first protect myself] It feels risky to share this part of yourself. Second, although having a vision of what you want can be helpful, the risk is that your high standards [I've lowered my standards. I just want someone that will make me laugh] and rush to find the perfect man can get in the way of loving a real-life imperfect man.Quirks men noticeLike all women, you have your strengths as well as your quirks and shortcomings. Ultimately, you want to find someone who will love and accept you “warts and all.” Though you have lots of friends, it’s important to have at least one person in your life who understands.Who you’re looking for:He’ll be an enigmaYou’re looking for a man who can be a pillar of strength and stability in your life. You want a man who you can count on [no more worries of being on the bottom of his list] to do what he says and say what he means. You’ll be impressed by how responsible, strong-willed and hardworking [mos def'nly a turn on] he is. If you’re ever in a crisis, he’s definitely the man you’d want to come to your rescue. He’s very intuitive and has a lot of “common sense.” He has a shy and reserved exterior, but one-on-one you’ll find he talks openly about himself and what’s important to him. He’ll dress and act conservatively. But behind his serious exterior is a very loyal and faithful potential partner. ["Romeo, O Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?"---dee's in the background yells "check the gawddam single ads!"]Romantic sex Good sex is important to you, but it's only one of many ways you connect with your partner. To you, life is about finding balance, and a romantic and satisfying sex life is a key part of your vision.[doesn't every woman wants a man who can make her feel beauitful and loved?]
November 21, 2003
Showed the newbie, Nalin some of the sites& attraction of Toronto. Glad you're with us p'aoun srey, welcome to your new home! 1. cousin, his wifey&myself; dt mall 2. nalin, myself&baby cousin, terri; entrance to cn tower 3. nalin&I;dt mall 4. myself, nalin, terri&teran; @ the subway 5. nalin&myself; @ the mall 6. nalin&I
August 06, 2003
Once again insomnia is kicking in. I had it under control, but then BHAM, I'm tossing and turning. Haven't been able to get a decent sleep since last week. And I know the reason why also. I have this annoying "pain" located on my shoulder blade, all the way down to the humerus. It has been in "pain" for about three weeks now. At first I thought nothing of it. Maybe I putted too much pressure on it. But a few days ago it got worst. To the point where I'm almost balling my eyes out because it freaking hurts, when I tries to move my arm. It's strange because the "pain" occurs only at night and only on the left side. I hate to schedule an appointment with my physician, but I have too. I don't want this condition to worsen.
August 03, 2003
I figure, it’s Sunday morning, the whole family out, having a jolly ol’ time w/o me….why not relax before the stress kicks in?. Skipped my usual routine [yikes! Imma feel guilty missing my morning runs] I felt like crap last night. Like what I scribble in Sina's gb;my ass ain't getting to do sht today. I was so looking forward to the BBQ since last week. Once again, work gonna keep me hostage.. I spoil myself and made breakfast; chocolate chip pancake with the whole works; whip cream & fruits. About to eat and realize, “I have no one to share this with”……
August 02, 2003
It’s going to rain today. I love the rain. Hate summer. But love winter and when it pours. I find it relaxing when it does rain. Not some light showers. But when it just rain hard, with lighting and thunderstorms. It’s the best time to cuddle up with that special someone, with a cup of hot chocolate and just live the moment.
August 01, 2003
1.kheoun, me&dee@formal'00My homegirl, Dee been complaining to me how she’s “so fat” and “needs to drop 60 lbs”. She would speak of our days kickboxing. We lived and breathed that sport. We were each other motivation. Yeah. We had a blast then. But she went right back blahing about her weight. It’s bugging because all she does is complain and haven’t done anything to fix the problem. So I told her, I’ll take her biking in the early morning. That should be a start. I threw some other ideas at her. But she wouldn’t agree. After about 15 minutes or so, we finally came to an agreement; the aqua fitness at our local Y. So my plan for this weekend, go swimsuit shopping. Yikes! Phyrun in a bathingsuit?!?hilarious.
July 05, 2003 1.myself&homechic, dee...happy bday, chica June 27, 2003
If you died tomorrow who would you leave everything you own to?:My nephew Anthony. I know he sneaks into my room when I'm out and jam to my cds "borrows" mr. teddy when he's not able to sleep. I just know he would teasure them.If you had to go live in borneo for the rest of your life and you could take one person on this earth,who would you take?: Benjamin. Then I would never have the opportunity to miss him again[like I do now].Who is the one person that you could stand spending a straight 24 hours with and not get the slightest bit annoyed with?: It's a tie between my sweetie, Anthony and mister former oneangrypieceofcamborice (that was a dope user name) who’s now droppinvokalz in the “303”, cam. That boy got plenty of jokes. He probably kills me with laughter… “everytime I be saying your name, it gives me an orgasm or something." If you woke up one morning and noticed that your leg was missing who would be the first person you would call?: What?!Whoa? Dee. She would make me laugh at the situation and cry. Laugh because I won't be able to kick her ass when we sparr and cry for the same reason.Let's say your dad came in your room one day and told you that you had to get married in the next week but you can pick the person but you have to stay with them for the rest of your life no getting out of it, who would you pick?: If I found my soul mate by then, I would choose him! What if you woke up tomorrow and you were someone else completely, who would you be?: As much as I love being me...errr... my sister? Yeah my baby sister! I love her I don't give a sh!t, I am my own woman attitude . She's strong minded and strong willed. She speak her mind [even at time it gets her into trouble. But she let her voice be heard] Her stubborness I don't like. But that's who she is. Plus she's so talented on the dance floor.What would be the first thing you would do if you woke up one morning and you were the opposite sex?: Lmbao. Look at jr. *beeping* go bonkersIf all of a sudden you had the ability to do one thing better than everyone else, what would it be?: Hmmm...tough one. I would want the ability to heal people. I can't stand to see people suffer...make this planet a better place to inhabit. Like dr.quinn, medicine woman type of deal...have that healing enegry If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change(personality and looks)?: Personality: I would change my worst quality, that is that I am pretty pessimistic on myself. I am way too critical on myself. Too harsh on me. Looks: I guess I would change my height. Be a bit taller.What is your dream career?: Either manage my own martial arts' school or be an archaeologist. Of course the focus would be heavily emphasize on the beautiful ruins of Angkor and her people. The temples itself just fascinate me. What is the one thing you just have to do before you die?: Tell everyone that I love them [it's hard for me to express my feelings] and spend time w/each and every single one of themIf you could be a member of any band that has ever exsisted, what band would that be?: The Temptations because beside their stylish dance moves, they had a rich blend of amazing vocalsWhat is the thing you care about most in your life?: My family. Friends come and go. With all the sh!t they put me through I learned to appreciate my family more because they continued to stand by me every step of the way. The few good friends I have are family to also. They make life worth living . So family is top on my list If you could design your perfect mate what would he look like and be like? Atlantic Starr's Masterpiece comes to mind. But there's no such thing as a perfect guy. Everyone has some sort of flaw. No one is made perfect. Physically or mentally. But I believe I can see some "perfection" in him. Because in my eyes he will be perfect. I'm not asking for someone that can give me the world. But someone who's willing to share his world w/me. I only want someone that is understanding, caring, warm-hearted, gentle yet fierce, open-minded, tells me when I'm wrong, and able to tell me the truth no matter how much it will hurt me(I would rather be hurt by honesty, than to be pleased with lies). Someone who have strong family value and a good head on his shoulders.(have goals and dreams) I'd like to have someone that know when to keep calm, be logic, and doesn't mind telling me how he feels. I also believe best friends become the best lovers"Among intelligent people the surest basis for marriage is friendship - the sharing of real interests- the ability to fight out ideas together and understand each other’s thoughts and dreams."-- Khalil Gibran If you won the lottery what would you do with your, let's say, 18 million dollars?: I'd give to charities. Especially to improve srok khmer's economy. The orphans there. Landmines programs. Wats and schools. etc. Make all my family dreams come true....spilt the money w/ my family. Invest in stocks. And whatever I have left over, I'd travel the world.Fallen in front of someone you thought to be quite good looking?: See this is the reason why I don't dance. Beside the fact I CAN'T dance for sh!t. It was just a regular girls' night out. Nahh scratch that, not it wasn't. Never in a billion year would I ever dance...I don't know what the *beep* I was drinking, but it just got me on the dance floor. I was "trying" to dance (most likely I made a fool out of myself-but who give a sh!t. Ain't like I'll be seeing 'em american folks again). Then out of nowhere this white dude comes up from behind trying to grind up on me. (hell nah, I ain't gonna let no mothafucka I don't even know freak up on me. *beep*, you ain't my man. back the fcuk up! excuse my language.) It was so nasty. I literally RAN off the dance floor. Guess I had too much to drink, and tripped over my heels. It was so embarrassing. To make matter worse, his one particular dude I was eyeing the whole night, helped me up from the fall. That was sweet. Though I couldn't look him in the eyes. So that's the real reason why ain't no one gonna ever catch me dancing. Did I also mention I can't dance? Run into a wall?: yeah a few time, playing floor hockeyGone skinny-dipping?: nope. Body shy.Snuck out of the house at night?: Nope.Gotten in a car wreck where you are the driver?: Yeah a few times. My family voted me as the world worst driver. Laughed so hard that what you were drinking spewed out your nose?: rotfl. Yeah right on danny's favourite tee. Started laughing really hard so you just spit out what you had in your mouth cause you couldn't swallow?: I usually end up choking on it for a good second.Swallow a bug?: nahh...but came very closeHave you ever actually kept a new year's resolution?: if so what was it?: Thinks this year resolutions is coming along very well Ever had funny thoughts and laughed and no one understood you?: All the time. Got funny business running throug my brainWhen at bbq's, what do you prefer on your hot dog? ketchup, mustard, grey poupon, relish, sourkraut, or OTHER?: I'm not a fan of hotdog!Where do you see yourself in 10 years?: Hopefully I would find my soulmate and be married w/10 kids . Raise our soccer team (better watch out Brazil) out in the boonie of lord-know-where. Live a fairy tale story with a happily ever after. (If not, Imma curse the world...kidding kidding). Can't a girl dream? Hopefully I'll be crossing off the achievements on my "accomplish list". Just want to be happy if nothing else.What kind of relationship are you looking for or currently in?: patiently awaiting for my life partner.Are you really really really sexy?: Hell no!.And is sugar ray only really sexy?: nopeWhat do you enjoy doing best with friends on a friday night?: Have dinner over catch up conversation/ kickboxing w/dee&milton. just chill out @ da studioAre you sterotyped?: Very often. Just because I'm petite and Asian doesn't mean I'm weak. Most often I'm stereotyped for being a poster child of raves. wft?Who can you spill your feelings to and feel completely relieved afterwards?: Benjamin. He really listen and comfort me w/pearls of wisdom. And Jackson...man, he's more than a friend...he's like my soul mate,...my fraternal twin. He just complete my thoughts and heal my pain with his sense of humour.How would you describe yourself in relation to others?: I'm myself, laid back , talkative and outgoing. It depend who I'm with also, if the comfort level is there, I let my true spirit liven the atmosphere.Who's your best friend(or closest friend)?: Benjamin, his friendship can never be replace. Jackson; you're still the illest!& My cool ass chica, Dee. Finding a decent girlfriend is rare.If you could visit one place(in the world), where would you go?: Back to my root...to the mother land of the Khmer Empire. My heart is there.If you could get married anywhere, where would you chose?: On the friggin moon...j/k...not too sure. Where do you want your honeymoon to be?: A place that hold sentiment value to us.What's your favorite candy?: As long as it's sour, sweet, mints or chocolateDo you prefer gummy bears or gummy worms?: gummy bears Hard candy(mints, etc.) or Soft candy(licorice, gummy stuff)?: bothWhat do you hate the most?: broken promises, backstabbers, lateness and the whole *beeping* murder inc. crew&dj clue-ruin every *beeping* song..yeah yeah i'm a hater.Who annoys you the most (be honest!)?: There’s nothing worse than making plans with someone, only to have them stand you up. Gawddayum, at least have the courtesy to call and cancel. And people who can’t take five minutes out of their hectic schedule to call the people whom they supposedly care about. Ain’t no one busy 24/7, all year long. A simple hello will do. If you played Strip Poker, who would you want to play with(famous & non-famous included)?: oOola la Michael Owens (Liverpool soccer star), Stan McQuay, Antonio Sabato, Jr. And with a few of my buddies. (raunchy dairy style; "fat-free" eh, sam…lmafo. Do you prefer Chrome or Silver?: eh, what?Have you ever been on The Palace?: what?!? The Royal Palace? YeshWhat's your favorite store in the Mall?: jacob, la vie en rose, roots, indigo books music Are you dominant or submissive?: a mix of bothHow much do looks account for in a person?: Looks first attract but personality whats woo meDo you get jealous easily?:nopeAre you normal or abnormal(HAHA)?: By society "standards", abnormalAre you afraid of death?: I used to be afraid but it's inevitableDo you like Mini-Golfing?: haven't try itDo you like Rollerskating?: totally fun!What's wrong with the color Pink?: as a child I thought pink was such a girly colour. Now it's coolWhat's one accomplishment that you're proud of?: Not letting "negative" people influent me and con'ting w/school to graduateWhat's one thing you would change about your life?: You know that episode of the Simspons where Homer goes back into time and touch one little thing and it changed the future? I wouldn't want to change a thing for the fear of not having something good happen in the futureWho's your absolute favorite music group or artist?: I enjoy the music of Sin Sisamouth (the Cambodian Frank Sinatra) the way that man sings, can makes any woman feel beautiful. How many people are on your buddy list?: just a few whom I actually talk too and know. Quality over quantityDo you like chat rooms?: Not at all. Ick! I look for stimulating conversations...yeah know that mental orgasm. But there's too much pervert who just want to cyber.What's more important in a person: how they dress or how nice they are?:How nice they areHow much money is in your wallet?: I'm broke. Just enough change for tomorrow's lunch.How much cash is in your bank account(or should I not ask?)?: $.09489580491645 If one of your parents died tomorrow, would you be upset, truly?: HELL YEAH! What's your favorite type of bubble-gum?: bubblicious gonz grapesIf you only had enough cash to buy one flavored condom, what flavor would it be?: don't like flavored rubber raincoat. durex is the way to goHave you ever tried Jelly Belly jelly beans? If so, what's your favorite one?: yummy! lemond drop, cotton candy, bubble gum and green appleDo you believe in Fate?: Def'nly! Things happen for a reason. Can you jump rope?: Yup! You're also looking @ the queen of Double Dutch&chinese jumprope [jump see].I'm multitalented, baby!What's your favorite lollipop flavor?: not a fan of lolipopWho's your gf, bf, crush?: n/aWho's your celebrity crush(if you have one): I fancy Michael Owens Do you prefer "love" or "lust"?: loveAre you a virgin?: Yup. Born again virgin. Number of times you have been in love? a million infatuations...lol; only once Do you like your parents?: I LOVE my parentsEver run away from home?: Nahhh....I'm a chicken. If I ever did, my folks would beat my ass. Then my loving siblings would knock some sense into me. Ever thought about it?: I thought about it once [I was a mess during my senior years] Had it all plan out. But I couldn't. I knew I would hurt my parents [I promised myself I would never put my parents through my stupidity again] and I knew Anthony would cry for me. I felt guilty for thinking about running away. I have too much respect for my folks, then to do something stupid. Plus my family keeps me sane. They're my backbone.Do you have any siblings?: Yup. They're my personal cheerleaders. Always cheering me on through my success and failure. Telling me it's ok to be petite, and strong. Showing me not to limit myself and give it 100%. They're always giving me constant knowledge. Dishing out "stupid" jokes. We have our moment when we fight...but after that the love is always there. I get their daily dosage of their sweetness, love and strength. They're a blessing!If so, do you like or get annoyed with them?: That's part of their job. But ya know they do it out of love.How old are they?: my oldest brother is 6 years older than I am, my other bro is three years older and my sister is three years younger than me.Do you feel your parents spoil you?: Spoil me with love, def'nly....but not with material things. Which is fine. Do you not get along with any of your family?: I'm very close w/my family. Love them all.Do you have big family get togethers ever?: Christmas and Thanksgiving. It's the only time everyone gets day off. I love family gathering! The foods are totally yummy!Have you ever been drunk?: Been buzz once-during high school "Tequila sun rise". It's this gathering for all the graduating seniors, where basically we would stay up all night drinking straight tequila shots. I swore off Tequila ever since.Stolen?: more like "borrowing" my sister sweaters.Shoplifted?: Isn't that like stealing?Tried to commit suicide?: A few time. Lied to a boyfriend or girlfriend?: My bf[at that time] wanted to take me out. I told him that I would be studying for a major test. (Partially got some studying done) Instead my girls and I went to some break battle.Gotten into a fight?: During my first year of high school. My so called friend kept on bugging me about my height and I just broke down and started to beat her. Yeah stupid reason-but her nagging got to me and I lost it. Anything physically with the opposite sex? Minus the sparring, once. Chairs and books were flying. It was heated. Now my mentality is non-violentWould you date a drug addict?: nahHave you ever had to look after someone who was a drug addict?: nopeAre you racist?: nope!Are you discriminatory to anyone?: nahHave you been a hypocrite in the past?: yeahDo you have an open or closed mind to other peoples beliefs and feelings?: Def'nly open mind. edit/[090903]So I was cleaning out my mail box and I came across this forward that I happened to save. Why did I save it? Gawd knows?!@# Just reading it, boy, what the hell was I on? Major depression roaming ‘round like wild fire. Crazy sht. But thx Sam for being my psychiatric. I owe you big timeMar 20031. What time is it now? 1:29pm2. Name as it appears on your birth certificate? Don’thave a birth certificate…really. Grew up with the ID of Phyrun 3. Any nick names? v8, yes just like the drink. That shit is the bomb.4. Parent's names? No need to know.5. Number of candles that appeared on your lastbirthday cake? 2… Had the numbers candles instead of the skinny ugly stick coloured ones.6. Date that you regularly blow them out? The key word is regularly7. Pets? none8. Favourite animal? Cartoon duckies& julius the monkey9. Tattoo/ Piercing? Two. on my butt cheeks, that reads “EXIT ONLY” / 7 earrings, nose ring, tongue, brow&navel; 11 in total10.How much do you love your job? I need the money,it’s a job. Not complaining.11. Birthplace? It no longer exist on the global map.12. Favourite vacation spot? The Big Easy. Just something about the dirty south. 13. Been to Africa? One time in my dream. I was being hunted by lions and pigs. It was a *beep* up dream14. Stolen any traffic signs? nope15. Been in a car crash? Yeah. Came close to death.Now that I look back at it, wish I was an inch closer to that pole.16. Croutons or Bacon Bits? Bacon bits. 17. 2-door or 4-door car? 4 door.18. Coffee? Def’nly have to be creamy and sweet.19. Salad Dressing? -20. Colour of socks? It gotta be funky and colourful. 21. Favourite Number? 222. Favourite Movie? The cube (Canadian move)23. Favourite Colour? -24. Favourite Holiday? Thanksgiving25. Favourite Food? -26. Favourite day of the week? Wednesday/Friday27. Least Favourite day of the week? Monday.28.Song of the moment? Distrubed-“Mistress”.Something that describe my life.29. Toothpaste? crest30. Most recently read book? The Ends of the Earth 31. Cologne or Perfume? chance33. Favourite thing? Mr. Teddy34. Fast Food place? Don’t like fast food places.35. When was your last hospital visit? Last Nov.36. Favourite drink? V8, carrot juice and so goodvanilla soy milk37. How many times did you fail your drivers license? -38.Where do you see yourself in 10 years? residing somewhere across the boarder-alone. 40. Furthermost place you sent this message? The land down under. 41.Who will respond the fastest? My lil crime fighter in denver 42. Least likely to respond? Same as the above. 43. What time is it now? 1.41pm44.Happiest memory? Been so long ago, can’t recall.45.Saddest memory? Every second that I’m still alive.46.Name of current/previous partner? %&#@! is my secret lover. 47. 10 people closest to you? Half are restin in paradise. 48. Underpants you are wearing right now? silky boxer. 49.Last time you were drunk? Never been in that position 50.3 things you most regret? Not making that phone call/being on lock down/ staying in Tdot when I could’ve been closer to happiness . Yes I’m *beeping* bitter.
June 23, 2003
just wanna say a quick "wasup" to my cousins down south..missin' ya bunners...1.myself&narom goofin' 'round 2. us again 3.myself, narom&naroth May 10, 2003
I find it sexy when a man knows how to cook.
April 05, 2003
See what happens if you lay a finger on me motherf...I’m not one who promote violent, but in the name of self defend, I’ll give you more than just a back hand slap. gimme a baseball bat...& I'll pull a "devon"* on ya (* refer to an ex, where he tried to get "physical" and I ain't talking about sex either)
April 03, 2003
If people would simply talk to one another and not cut off communication when problems arsie, it would save the world a lot of aggravation. ************************88
March 23, 2003
My homegirl dee and I were cruising the city after grabbing some caffeine from Timmy. Ya know how we girls be conversating about the opposite sex..yeah..ha. There was a lot of male bashing coming from Dee. Especially concerning her exes. And I feel her, cuz I got my heart broken before. We all had.Dee thinks I’m a fool, and now I can see she’s right. For the longest time, I held onto the past-maybe in hopes to rekindle the romance. I was in love…he was my first love…part of me didn’t want say goodbye to it. He was different. Especially from all the guys I’ve dated. It was just something about him-his aura…he was mysterious and had the whole “mucho” exterior. But deep down, he was born with a sensitive soul. I could tell, from the language he used in his poetry. What I felt for him ran deeper than physical attraction. It was his dedication and motivation to better himself and this compassioned heart. And that intellectual stimulation conversations-what a turn on! I fell head over heel for him. He had my heart and soul, for he was always in both. He was someone I could see spending the rest of my life with. Raising our soccer team out in the boonies of England. Retire in the Azores or out in Bora Bora. And when we celebrate our 50th anniversary, I know I would still get butterflies. It’s hard to find the right words to describe the magic that emanates from his love. I would’ve swam across the ocean, walk across the desert, travel the globe, travel to the stars, distance has no barrier. (l'amour n'a pas de, frontiere) I would do that for true love. I would’ve done that for him…
8February 04, 2003||Until Our Souls Unite...(dream)
I remembered being shot. Someone shot me in the back. I could feel the bullet running through and blood just swimming onto my shirt. But for some reason I continued to run. Run to where? I was lost. For miles the only things my eyes seen was the golden dirty road leading to nowhere. I could feel the present of the sun-it was burning the sole of my shoes but my tears kept my body cool. My knees began to lock and slammed against the road. That last moment peace was found beyond the heavenly skies. The life in me was slowly being drain…my whole life flashed before my eyes. Rewind to the beginning of time…beginning of when our soul was being born. You were the protector of the Great Empire of Kampuchea, a warrior during the Angkorian period. But in a bloody bath during the raid of the Siam, you were slain. Part of me die that same day. I journey through out my next life hoping to be made whole again. But always being disappointed and wonder why our paths haven’t cross. For a day without you is a day spent in misery. Now I am close to grasping your love again. I can feel it. Images of our love gave me strength to accept death. I accepted my fate, for I knew beyond the gates of heaven you would welcome me with open arms. If I never wake up in the morning-if I was to die tonight, then my love, we will finally be united. And nothing will part us again. ***************************88January 16, 2003||Friends come and goes I hate it when people are dishonest with me. Especially when it's someone so close. I'd rather hear the truth than be feed w/bullsht. A real friend wouldn't do that. I guess all these years been nothing but lies. I mean, I had this done to me before. It's a repeated cycle. It's life. And life always throwing sht at me. I don't stand there-I just carry on with my journey toward happiness. I'm not gonna stand still in the tracks and let the train run me over. Oh hell no. But I never thought he would do this to me. Forbeep'nsake, he's my homeboy. We been through sh!t together. We're tight like siblings. He said 'we no longer can be friends'. So basically his girl hate the idea we're friend. She hates that we spend so many time together. Even if those time spent are over the phone. So yeah, she just came into his life-controlling his ass and he's dumping our 5 year friendship for the sake of her happiness. What can I do? It was his choice. I'm not gonna stand in the way of his happiness.[ I'm not happy about the idea.] I mean if I do, what kind of friend would I be? I'm not going fight fire with fire. Just let it be. I'll still be here when he comes running back. Things happen for the best. Even if it mean just sitting back and let him get hurt.
January 08, 2003
Why do people always come to me with their problems, especially concerning their love life? I’m no expert in the love department. All I can say is follow your heart-let it be your guide to finding true love. “If it is your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile”--unknown