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Friday, August 20, 2004|| The Flaw In Women
I hate it when my email account is overflowing with spam mails. I simply click and delete them. But my sister always seems to send ones that are inspirational and uplifting. (Since she works in the tourism industry, she also sends notice of one-dollar flight fares. Coming this September 7th, flights from Toronto to Montreal are only a dollar. For more information on this or any other one-dollar deal, contact me) Here’s a recent email my sister sent me. For all the men who reads this, I hope you appreciate the present and love of women in your life. And ladies, this is a sure read
By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart-and she will do everything with only two hands."
The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish." "But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days." The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord." "She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish." "Will she be able to think?", asked the angel. The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate." The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one." "That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!" "What's the tear for?" the angel asked. The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride." The angel was impressed.. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing." And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends.. Women have vital things to say and everything to give.HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Three more weeks until finals! Plus another two weeks of practical-so by the end of September I’ll be done with my schooling. Yahoooo! I’m excited, it a fresh new start with a career and new visions of living life.I can feel the competition heating up among some of my classmate. It’s hilarious. This semester, though it’s much difficult than the first, I find myself more nonchalant with my studies. I’m somewhat slacking off. I haven’t really cracked open my materials and study for any test really. Beside the anatomy exam. (De'fnly got to study for the upcoming pharmocology test) Still pulling my usual grades. There’s still drama, but it’s more serious. There was almost a catfight last week. *Meeoooow*. And then there's the tension between this lady and myself. (But I try to be nice to everyone. It’s just not in me to be rude and vexing like some folks) She been up on my ass ever since I spoke up in first semester regarding some matters. I was just stating my option and dayum lady got to go and flip it around. I was speaking for myself, not the whole class. She would always use the excuse of "ageism". That just *beepen* piss me off. That have nothing to do with how hard I study and the grades I'm making. It just goes to show I have better studying habits and some are just envy of it. If my personality was different, I think this lady and me would’ve gotten at it long ago. But just to see her skin crawl, I fire back with sarcasm. Just because you’re older, doesn’t give you the right to speak to me rudely. Respect needs to be earned. But I’m having such a good month I can’t even be bother.

Thursday, July 29, 2004
Need a break from Toronto.....Laissez les bon temps rouler

Monday, July 26, 2004
Y’all ever had the urge to scream, I’M IN LOVE! at the top of your lungs? I’m feeling it. I can’t stop starring or touching. If I keep this up, pretty soon I might get an orgasm-lol. Gotta give prop to Lat, for hooking me up with the new hair do. Adding some “flavour” to my life. I’m loving it.Beside that, same ol’ drama in class, life’s sailing, steady. Kicked it with Robyn "hood” a few weeks ago. Been quite awhile. Don’t know if he’s growing taller or I’m just shriking (that’s a little scary). His daughter is so precious (Hi Isa) Still have yet to see her. We did our usual: bowling and dinner at Jack’s Astor. All those time Robyn dragged my ass to his bowling league tournaments is paying off. I’m improving! So I bowl less than a 100, but it’s way better than what I started off with. (ain’t a pro, but hell I had a great time) Yeah! No more gutter balls. Think I was 5 or 6 points away from scoring a free- a FREE ride down to the Big Easy. Think it was all expensive paid, minus the gas. But hey got a driver and all: rooooad trip. But Dammit! Thanks for the motivation though!& drinks.

Monday, July 19, 2004
I don't know why I flood my mind with nonsense. I make up scenarios of possible future events. I then would get upset about them. I'm so dumb at times. I did some deep thinking though. I thought about life and the things that need to be done and things I shouldn't do. I'm always finding myself at the crossroads of what if's and could have's. A piece of me is still slowly dying, but the other parts are still struggling to move forward.

Sunday, July 04, 2004
I’m having one of those Sundays. The kind of Sunday, where all I want to do is just lay in bed. Hasn’t had a lazy Sunday in such a long time. The sound of the raindrops on the tree and gust of winds awoke me from a wonderful dream. I needed the rest. Especially from yesterday trip to Buffalo/Niagara NY with Latda. Dayum, 40 years from now, Lat and I will be telling our grand kiddies about this trip-it was just an memorial one. The trip was terrible, but none the less a great experience. Yo, it was so bad; when we crossed back to Canadian soil we were kissing the floor. We were glad to be back home. We’re laughing about it about now. Even the custom officer laughed at us. But of course, Lat and I didn’t let the experience rain on our parade; we make the best of it. The only nice person we met was this cool ass chick on the bus ride home. (and those hot Australians guy the bus ride to NY. Come to think of it, the ride there and back was the best experience. Isn’t that sad?) Glad to know, it wasn’t just us that had a bad experience with Americans. It was pure laughter on the way home. Can’t wait for our next road trip.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004
My stomach was doing flip-flop, my hands began to tremble -I was becoming anxious…it was my first time. He spoke softy and said it would be an experience I’ll never forget. He putted on his protective gears, as I unzipped my top and stripped down to just a black tank top. He sat me down and asks if I was comfortable, I nodded. Sweetly he said to just breath normally and if I feel any ache of tense, he would stop for me. He wanted to make sure I was comfortable. He didn’t want to jeopardize anything. Our eyes spoke to one other, and then it began. I can’t begin to describe the feeling. It was nothing like what I heard from my girlfriends. (But each one of us has a different level of pain endurance) It wasn’t half bad. It was so relaxing and so natural like the air we breathe. An hour passed and he was completed. He cleanses me, making sure I wouldn’t get any infection and handed me a mirror. The reflection-the reflection of his work was beautiful. I’m in love with this newly tattoo of mine. Tattooing won’t be an obsession. Nahh, not like the piercing craze-haha. Speaking of piercing, I’m just down to eight now. Yeah, Narom had to take the brow & tongue ring out. It’s “unprofessional” in the work place. Unlike the rest of my body art (piercing), it took me months to deliberate if I wanted this form of art permanently inked onto my skin. There was some night when I couldn’t sleep, because design of inspiration kept me awake. Most of my “creative” idea comes crawling in the night. I knew I wanted something culturally that connected to me spiritually: apsara-but it been ages since I last drew a picture. I went through about half a notebook, when I realize I couldn’t master the “image” that was playing in my head. I wanted a masterpiece! And the images I found online, wasn’t a replica of what my heart set forth. It was about a month ago when the idea came to me in a dream. My “soulmate” was my inspiration for this. Every time we parted he would seal his kiss, with the whispering words of …"until our souls unite”. (translation of the tattoo) It has been our signature since we first met. So I had that encryted in my native tongue. I patiently wait for that day. I wish that day would be today, for all I know is my heart yearns for his…parts of me will continue to feel that emptiness until our souls unite.

In other news, got my mid term back. Scored a 95% on the theory and a 97.5% on the practical. So my first term average sits at 96.5%. I’m not quite content with my average. It’s an “A” I should be please with my mark, but I guess my “perfectionist” personality and “overachiever” attitude dislike it. The fact that I did poorly in high school play some factor in my guilt for not doing better. Things could be worse. I’ll live with it.

Saturday, June 26, 2004
Jay: well I was in that phase, just gotta try to balance it out
me: i know
Jay: I kno itz hard, but try to come to a conclusion in 3 things that ya lookin for
me : im not sure what im looking for, anymore. There's question marks everywhere.
Jay: support= regardless of any situation, I kno theres someone out there who will go all out for you
if its not there in the physical, its spiritual the perpetual motivation in ya soul to give you a reason to do what your doing each and everyday
ya strong phyrun, strong minded and strong spiritually
me: i feel emotional weak though
Jay: just that you need to look at the main things in life
iz like does this bottle of heineken owns my happiness?

Friday, June 25, 2004
How can one stay calm in a situation where they have been betrayed? I’m trying to keep my cool, but my emotions are raging with violent thoughts. I don’t want my tears to shelter me-not this time. I’m so frustrated. I don't wish anything bad upon him, but I truly believe in karma. All I asked was for honesty and not some 8th grade drama.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Mid term is finally over!!!!! 95% baby!!!
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
"Odds are you won't be able to concentrate on anyone but the person you've been fixated on for weeks. Oh, why fight it? Mention your condition to the appropriate party."I’m not a believer of horoscope, but gawddayum that above statement is true. Just the thought of "the guy" makes me giggles and hearing his voice, it just lightens up my days. When I’m around him, I get butterflies-my heart races twice as fast, and my palms get all sweaty. (that’s so unlike me though) I’m falling hard for “the guy”, but at the same time I’m vigilance about my feelings. I try not to open up too much, for fear of being hurt again. There’s just something about him- our vibes: the radiant energy, he’s just special. I haven’t connected with anyone on that level for such a long time. Lat said it’s an early indication of “force of the heart in a battle with desire” or something technical likes that. The way I feel for him, it’s along the line between like and ardour. With time, it def'nly can lead to more possibilities.

Friday, May 28, 2004
After class Thursday night, my girl Lat (I swear she’s a mirror image of me. Everything she gone through, I went through. We got the same good taste in clothing and whatnots and our personality-whoa it’s kinda scary. Cuz we’re so much alike. But I always wanted an older sister. And I found her less than three months of college) decided to just have a “chill” day. My exam was the next day and her demo was schedule for Friday also. But we just needed to forget about school and be carefree. And people need that in their lives. It’s good to be focus on your schoolwork, but there comes a point where you must let loose and not let stress pull you under. Any how I wasn’t worry about my exam, I partially studied it during the long weekend and plus Tuesday. I know my materials in and out. And on an even brighter note, the instructor marked my exam on the spot and I aced that motha...goose.Last and certainly not least, CONGRATES to Jackson and his wifey! Lucky mofo. I’m happy for you and I wish ya’ll the best. You deserve every drop of loving and joy. Cross my fingers I’ll find that happiness in this lifetime also. Remind me of a convo I had with Sam
me: “I envy everyone who’s happy and loved"
Sam: “Envy? U shouldn't envy people cause of their happiness; Its not like u can't be that way. What u're doing now is a step towards u're happiness, by moving on and making a choice that'll at least make u a little happier. Even though some people don’t see it that way. Life is full of happiness; its just u gotta look for it. This is fate for u, so u can grow stronger and wiser. Always look at the positive sides to things. for every yin there is yan. A Khmer farmer used to say, " The cobra scares my wife, and she does want to feed the chickens. But at least the mice aren't feeding on my rice grains."
me: “Yes, you're right. Since you're somewhat "psychic" can you tell me when that happiness will kick in? If you know the exact date that would even be better. One more question, will I be able to find my soul mate in this lifetime? And don't give me no bullsh*t answer.”
Sam: “LOL, I'm not that kind of psychic, I can't tell you things like that. Only when things that are really bad, then it might kick in. But u a strong person, build ur happiness and not wait for it. I feel u got a strong guardian angel wacthing over u. Fate will help u out, just make sure u know what u want and look, but don't give it up. Sounds gay but its true. If u're not happy cause of things, make it better so u're happy. simple and easy, don't make things so complicated. I learned that the hard way. I used to want to make every one happy, but it was very hard. So when I started to focus on me more, people took it as an insult. Thinking that I was trying to avoid them and not wanting to hang out and do things. Started saving my money trying to build a company, and people thought I didn't want to buy drinks for them. They thought I was cheap beacause they're used to me buying the drinks all the time, helping paying for food that I didn't even touch. I had to move on, when I almost dying in the hospital, my true friends were there. that's what u gotta do, find who is who in ur'e life. Family will always be there, even when they don't understand, so tell them whats up and give them the respect and do what has to be done. People will take things seriously when something serious happens. another Khmer saying, hehe : When u cut the chickens head off in front of the monkeys. They'll know not to fool around. Meaning, the monkeys are always fooling around taking things from the farmer, but when they saw the farmer kill the chicken, they got scared and knew not to mess around no more.”

Thursday, May 20, 2004
Got my Sin SiSamouth’s cd in the mail yesterday. That man vocals is heavenly. It’s so soothing it rocked me to sleep. I image that it was my lover whom lay next to me (instead of an empty space on my queen size bed), as we cuddle together he would sing a melodious lullaby in my ears. How I yearn for the simplicity of having that kind of romance. Where is my prince charming? Uh-oh nostalgic kicking in.

Saturday, May 15, 2004
I'm not sure if I can completely let go of the past. I find myself lingering to it....longing for the return of that short lived happiness. But I'm trying to move forward....for the anguish isn’t worth the investment You have friend like, Jackson, who keeps you motivated to better yourself and your future. Someone like him encourage me to strife harder in life, because I triumph the stormy obstacle-we both did. I wouldn’t want to see him on that track of life again and vice versa. We’re journey life at the same pace, hand in hand. There to catch each other falls’…what are friends for, eh? Plus the occasional corny jokes and drunken serenading-anything for a smile.

Wednesday, May 09, 2004
I always end up messing up a possbile happy future or something. It's like it's almost impossible for me to accept happiness. Maybe it's because I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. I just can't let go of my mistakes

Friday, May 07, 2004
There’s so many skeleton in my closet, that it’s become a cemetery.

Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Maybe it was the walk from school, or the beautiful weather. Or could it be something I ate? I was just saturated with energy and excitement today. First thing I did when I got home, headed straight to the kitchen looking for ingredients. I was in the mood to cook up a storm. Actually I didn’t want to go to that extend and labour. I just wanted to bake. But there’s no point to make something if I’m not able to scoff it down. I’m not on a diet-never had never will; I’m just more “alert” of what I’m eating, nowadays. Maybe that’s contributing to my energy level and sleep pattern. I had been sleeping like a baby all last week. It’s wonderful. Haven’t slept like that in ages. Maybe it’s had something to do with the gingko bilbo that I’m taking? Who knows? I just hope it nothing short lived-don’t want to crash and burn when exam rolls around.We had our third test today. Think I fairly did well. (Defn’ly didn’t get perfect on this one. I was aiming for the 100%. Came close with the last two. Maybe Friday test, I’ll score a perfect mark.) There was a question, where we had to state the abbreviation for the medical term. I knew the answer, but instead of writing “blood” I wrote “bun”. Wtfunk was I thinking? It didn’t cross my mind until I handed in my test. I hope she give half a mark, because I got urea nitrogen right. Stupid mistake like that killed me on my first exam. I ended up with a 99%. It’s still good. But I kicked myself in the rear for that. I go over the test when it complete, but I don’t catch mistakes like those. I focus on the “harder” question and skip the ones I know. I’m so hard on myself. But I need too. Because I *beep*ed up in high school. I got ok grades. I could’ve done better, but I wasn’t focus. Guess now that I’m in college; I’m making up for it. (Actually before this course started I was aiming toward the 80’s. I’m doing way better than I thought. Especially since I have no previous health/medical background. Kids, studying sure does pay off!) And paying x amount of cash, I better get flying colours. I hope I can maintain my grades till graduation. That's the hard part; maintaining my A average. The long weekend is coming up; I probably will reward myself with something. Little Rhodie sounds good. (Jackson, will you be back by the 24th to be my tour guide?) Naww. That’s going to put me more in the hole. Maybe a quiet getaway somewhere closer to home? Or I can waste it on studying...hmmm……I don't know how it will work, but I must schedule time for kickboxing. I'm lacking when it comes to working out. My morning exercise isn't fun. It’s no fun working out alone. I’m motivated and all, but when you have a work out partner, it just pushes you that much farther. Well for me anyways. Dee supposes to be my motivation (and vice versa). That was our agreement…new year resolution, whatever you want to call it. Milton been upset because it been awhile since we been to the studio. But it’s hard with our schedule. She’s sometime working 14-hour shifts and Milton’s in the studio by 4:30, but I don’t get out of class till 6. It sucks. Think my membership for shaolin kung fu is still valid. I don’t mind travelling up to Wilson, but the hours of class doesn’t fit my schedule either. I’m left to fend for myself. Well, must make due with what I have: mornings-morning workouts. Did I mention I purchased a pilates dvd over the Christmas break? I watched from beginning to end and then rewind and started some of the movement. That workout isn’t for me. It was boring. The intensity just wasn’t there for me. What a waste of money eh? I didn’t really give it a chance. I’m just so used to the physical contact and high energy.

..........
"We miss you Stanley. Come back to Toronto"*sniff sniff* *blow nose* awww maybe next year. My sister said the Leaf loss because I'm a jinx. I was rooting for the hometeam also. Anyhow a Canadian team won't win it, ya know why? Because if they did, Americans wouldn't be watching hockey. It's about rating. Or maybe one of the underdog will take it, Flames or Tampa Bay?

Monday, May 03, 2004
Got out the boxing gloves and relieved some build up stress. For that half an hour, it was therapeutic. But now I’m back to reality. No matter what direction I run to, I’m follow by guilt. I trust my heart, but why do I feel so callous? This issue is eating me up inside. I couldn’t even look mother in the eyes and apologize-because I know my decision is breaking her heart. I never wanted it to come this far. I feel like I have to choose between my family and my happiness. If things continue like this, the stress and the combining of my emotion will deteriorate the disease. And I don’t want “the episode” of a seizure like to happen again.I went for a walk Saturday night, to clear my head. I didn’t want too because I was afraid I might run into “that dude” again. But I can’t lock myself from life because of “that dude”. I headed east toward my cousin's. I felt like sh!t, probably look like sh!t also, and I just wanted to get my hair done; braids it or do some crazy cornroll. But my baby cousin wasn’t home. Monica and my cousin, Sokha, were kicking it inside, so I spent some time with my ladies. (We known Monica since grade school). They’re like twin…*beep* they’re glue to each other; wherever one goes, surely you’ll find the other. I always felt like an outcast with them two. They’re a year older, they have more of the same interest also [smoking buddies, club hoping, same fashion taste] but it’s no big deal. Can’t believe Monica gonna have a baby. Dayum! In a good way, though. Congrats, girl!
First thing the girl did, was handed me a bottle of Guyanese Rum. Wtf?@#$* That sh!t is so strong, I almost got *beeped* the first time I tired. Those two are so used to me drinking, that they forgot I stopped with the liquor. 3 more months and it will be a year. I’m so proud of myself. I had problems back then, I wouldn’t label it alcoholism, I think alcoholic are people who can’t live without alcohols. It’s like they have it the first thing in the morning, night and a whole lot in between. That wasn’t me. I just abused alcohol a lot. I’m not gonna relieve my stress that way. So I asked for their opinion, they didn’t have to think about it and at the exact moment yelled “sex”. It been almost three and a half years since I been with anyone imiately. But yeah, it was good to be in an environment with my girlfriends. Been awhile since we had a ladies night out.

Saturday, May 01, 2004
Time doesn't heal all wounds. The "physical" blemish might disappear, but no matter how deep you bury the "mental" scar, something will prompt the memory and the nightmare will re surface. You can’t rely on the law to protect you round the clock, either.

032004|08:32 bear hugs&olive ewes
I know you’re celebrating your 24th birthday with angels. Wish I was invited to the party. I still miss you...*edit:032104|1222*It was the start of the ’89 school year, in Balfour’s class that we first met. Wasn’t it in the middle of winter when our class had to move out to the portable? It was frigging cold. I don’t recall when it all began, but it was in that classroom that a beautiful friendship blossomed. While you greeted everyone with simple hellos, I was the lucky one who always received your signature bear hug. There hasn’t been a single day that I haven’t thought of you. I would give anything for one more of your bear hug. Remember that silly game Balfour make the whole class played, “Sorry, darling but I just can’t smile”? I was crowned “ice cold” for none of our fellow classmates could get me to smile with their impression of funny faces. No one liked to be thrown the pitch line, “sorry, darling but I just can’t smile.” But you got me to smile-actually laugh, with your scooby doo’s impression. You threw out a bunch of jibbish stuff that got the whole class pissing in their pants. I tired so hard to keep the laughter in but you got me with “olive ewe olive ewe.” That word just sounded so ridiculous. I cracked up so hard; I ended up hitting my head on the floor. Remember that? Throughout recess I still had the ice pack on and missed out on the double dutch challenge, but you apologized, scooby doo style. That word buried itself in the back of my head and it wasn’t until five years later that it reappeared. It was at our school dance, before summer vacation. You saved the last dance for me before heading off to high school. We savour each moment and conversate throughout the song. In a pose british accent you said “Darling will you please smile for me?” I responded with a terrible scooby doo impression “olive ewe olive ewe.” You flashed your oh so famous ear to ear smile of yours and replied “I do too.” Up until that point I was clueless. I repeated the words in my head…”olive ewe olive ewe olive ewe….I love you…?!?” You read my facial expression and chuckled “because you will always be my little teddy.” Those are distant memories, felt like a lifetime before, but I remember everything like it was all yesterday. LD, home of the flying dragons' will have a reunion this coming May, and you’re the one person I’m hoping to see. But that’s near impossible. We will reminisce about you in our hearts, well in mines anyway. I could never forget about you. You’ll always be apart of me. Olive ewe...LT

[031304|11:18]back to basic
"Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own."
-Mary Schmich
One of my new year resolutions is for a healthier life style. It’s not because of the low carb Atkin's diet craze. What my physician said to me last year just frightened me. I always thought, I’m young and fit-and an early grave doesn’t fit my description. But the signs were there; skipping medications and the constant “episode”, it’s a gamble I’m not willing to take with my health. So far I’m keeping up on my end. Back to basic. Back to what we all learnt in nutrition class in elementary grades; the four food groups. I don’t do the whole counting my calories or anything. I just opt for more portions in the department of the greens, orange, reds and dairy products. I read the labels and more alert of what my body’s in taking. I discovered alfalfa sprouts; grilled eggplants, lentils and chickpeas-they’re so yummy! I do more of my own cooking (lot of vegetarian dishes) and grocery shopping. I have the grocery list and all, so I can’t afford to satisfy on temptation. Anyhow I have to give up chocolate, nuts and seafood for a bit because of them dayum hives. Also I’m back in training. Not shaolin (can’t afford that at the moment). Haven’t bug Milton for any kickboxing lessons either. I been out of the game for almost a year (remission of the disease) and I don’t want to embarrasses myself, because Milton will work me to the bones (which I want) but my strength isn’t there yet (don’t want to collapse after a sparring match-that’s how bad my health is). So I have been my own personal trainer…motivating myself. I work out at home: aerobic/cardio and strength training-alternating days and stretching daily. I also have been keeping a fitness journal. It tracks my fitness gains, boosts my confidence and makes it easier to stay on track. I have to work my way up. So far, I feel good. Maybe in the summer the boxing gloves will be back on.

[030404|11:14]afj&wjhf8dvsn!ozv%i;MT

"Success doesn't happen on a part time mentality"
-unknown

......
Sleep deprivation strips the meat that usually holds my cerebral bones in some kind of recognizable shape. If I'm not careful, today could be the day that I fall into a pit of depression that will last the remainder of the week. But I can't let that happen. I’m juggling 10 balls at once; research & datelines need to be met, appointments, physical training…I have too much sh!t to do.

Friday, April 30, 2004
Life sure is beautiful, ain’t it? Ya know that feeling, when you wake from a good night rest with a smile on your face? Just starting my day with a smile, is so re-freshing. Life is beautiful. So there’s drama every single day in class, (opps, haven’t updated for so long, some of ya’ll don’t even know I’m back in school) but it’s only 5 hours in a day. Can’t let negative people hold you down. I’m doing my thang. I certainly don’t need to consume my time with all that gibberish. Some of their argument is justify, but we don’t need to hear it on a daily basis, ya know? Hey like Phil Collins said, “There will always be greater and lesser than you”. I’m just here to educate myself and better my future. The rest I could care less if they want to waste their precious time with garbage. We’re all adults; [a few still have the mentality of a grade 4 student] sacrifices have to be formulated for college. (This isn't high school. The teachers ain't gonna take you by the hand and guide you, baby you and all.) Forget clubbing on a Friday night, hit the books; review your notes every night. Do your homework, come to class prepare. Exercise your body, as well as your mind. Get plenty of sleep. But hey, that’s my technique for success. Call me a nerd…whatever. Ain’t nothing gonna get me down…well maybe hitting the 85% might freak me out. “Over achiever?” But life is treating me good. Can't complain. I'm still breathing and my family is in good health. The disease is finally stable [naww not cure yet, cam] and I’m finally on track with my career.... my life. Yeah, start everyday with a SMILE. People will wonder what’s the reason behind it, especially if it’s early Monday morning. Just show off those pearly whites.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004
"If I accept the sunshine and warmth I must also accept the thunder and lightning."
-- Khalil Gibran

Tuesday, February 17, 2004||say goodbye....
"The only devils in this world are those running around inside our own hearts, and that is where all our battles should be fought."
-- Mahatma Ghandi
Sometime in life, you just do things to please others. You sacrifice your own happiness, as the down payment. Last night I stopped lying to myself. I did a complete 360 on my life. This is what I want. But still, the guilt is eating me up inside. Will this change make me happy?

Monday, February 02, 2004||Stupidity, bought and paid for
I was debating if I should or shouldn’t help my cousin. She’s in a tight “situation" and I didn’t want to help, because of the wrong she done. And that clouded my judgement. Plus my egotism got in the way. Deep down I was feeling that guilt. For that moment I forgave her, because she’s family. Anyhow, another opportunity arises and I gave her the information. I even told her, I’d be willing to go with her. This is the perfect opportunity for her to get her foot into the door of success. We make plan to meet at 9:15 this morning at the mall. Perfect location; to grab a cup of coffee, and go over possible questions and it’s just a few block from the place. The interview doesn’t start until 10, but knowing my cousin she’ll be late. Even if her life depends on it, she will take her time doing her make-up. Me, nada. If it something important [like a job interview], I would rather be half and hour early and focus to prepare myself for it. *Beep* the make-up. I’m well dress in my business attire, [had my lucky tie on] confidence and enthusiastic. It was 10, to 10. I figure she was trying to find her way into the mall. Some of the entrances were still lock when I got there. So I waited for a bit. Then her tardiness got to me, so I call her up. The girl just got up!*&#% I took a deep breath and ask if she’s still coming. It isn’t too late. But she said no. That just threw me off. At least she should’ve called and inform me about it. That’s straight up rude. I got better thing to do on my days off, like sleep in. But I figure, we’re family…I’ll help her out. I’m not looking for a thank you or anything. [Not like she gave me one] I just want to see her do something with her life. This just draws the line, how she once again took advantage of me. [Why not take that energy and take advantage of the situation] She isn’t “struggling” and I hate to badmouth my cousin, but she’s just plain lazy. Helped her with her resume and hook her up with an interview. And it isn’t like they’re paying minimum wage; it’s $15 an hour to start. I wish someone‘d presented me with that opportunity when I was job hunting. All she needed to do was go to the interview. The job could’ve been her. Why do I continue to be nice? Her ways haven’t change much. I will not hold the grudge against her, because it was in the past. Let it stay there. Her intentions were good then. At least she was honest about it. And I admire that in a person. But I’m not sure if I want to waste another breath on her. So what if we grew up together? Won our medals together. We were on the same team: on and off the field. But sadly things changed. Like I said, that was in the past. We’ve grown. Well some of us are.I hope Milton, got kickboxing classes today. I need to relief some built up stress.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004||trapped on Nightmare ave
As if staying mentally steady and physically strong weren’t enough of a struggle, I am facing an even greater challenge these days. I tried to go about my daily routine, but since the incident , I’ve been more caution, and yet vulnerable to my surroundings. My most daunting task will be to maintain my spiritual sanity so that I don’t end up sliding into failure mode and thinking that I am a washed-up loser.I don’t recall the event leading up to it. I might have blacked out. But in a spilt second the day turned into night. I remember my heart beat frantically and I began to shake. He stood right beside, but I didn’t dare turn around. He whispered, “You can be bugged and beheaded. Then hung from a bridge by your internal organs if you breathe a word of what I am doing…but for your sake I will make this quick and painless.” He dragged me by my ponytail, and I tangled among the muddy solid of this earth. It continues for about ½ a mile. My eyes awaken and there knelt before me was a vacant grave. He pulled something out of his pocket, and soon I learnt it was a pistol. I could feel the mouth of it. It was right up against my temporal lobe. My brain scrambled, thinking, “This is it. This grave is intended for me. This is my final minute.” My eyes searched for help. And there to my right, laid Duane’s tombstone. In my mind I could see myself buried in the ground with only my bloodied head showing. I thought to myself “nothing can save me.” Then the phrase on Duane’s tombstone jumped at me: “Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal.” I closed my eyes, at the sound of him pulling back the lever. I accept my fate. “Soon I will join you. I am waiting for death now…”My alarm clock awoke me, before he could blow my brain to pieces. Thanks heaven it was all a dream. Or was it? It was just a darn photograph that triggered the memory. That makes me relive that moment. I’m positive it is he. For it began when I started crying, crying hard. It comes from deep down and gets out of hand quickly and I can't stop it once it starts. I have to be talked back; I can't seem to bring myself back. And I hyperventilate which is scary also. What will happen if I have to face him in court? Please don’t put me in that position. It will scar me for life. Sunday, January 11|| hot topic:babies
*then the conversation took an unexpected turn* *cam; there’s very few people who knows about it. And I would like to keep it that way. I have my reasons. Please don’t take it to heart. But there will come a day when you will know about it. Let it be cure first, and we can chitchat over coffee.
December 29, 2003
Darn email forwards%$#!@#& Those quizzes must be a fashion craze for dot com'ers [is that even a word?]. Had too much time on my hands and I’ve also fallen victim to it. Think this quiz is from the wnetwork. This is how I’m described:You're a natural leader. You're a woman of great integrity who'll stand up and fight for causes she believes in. People quickly learn that you always do what you say and say what you mean.[right definition of Phyrun] From what everyone can see, you have your act together. Inside you're driven by a vision for your future and the search to find love and a sense of "balance" in your life. [now if only I can find the time to set foot on that journey] Part of this is being able to spend time with your friends and still have time alone to relax and regroup. Because you're independent, you only let a few people get especially close.[so true. no need to re-live high school] But you also have a very romantic side hidden away and are ready to experience a genuine "spark" with someone.Finding a loving relationship is a mission for you. You have clear goals and even a timeline in mind. Falling in love is an especially magical experience. You're suddenly free from the rules and thinking that guide your life. You usually keep your feelings and life under control. But remember, the bigger the dam, the bigger the flood when it breaks! You face 2 major challenges in finding the love of your life. First, because your mind is so busy making sure you say and do the right things on dates, its hard for your deeper and caring self to come through. [I’m very caution of what I say. I bottle my emotions up. Because of past relationships, I learnt to first protect myself] It feels risky to share this part of yourself. Second, although having a vision of what you want can be helpful, the risk is that your high standards [I've lowered my standards. I just want someone that will make me laugh] and rush to find the perfect man can get in the way of loving a real-life imperfect man.Quirks men noticeLike all women, you have your strengths as well as your quirks and shortcomings. Ultimately, you want to find someone who will love and accept you “warts and all.” Though you have lots of friends, it’s important to have at least one person in your life who understands.Who you’re looking for:He’ll be an enigmaYou’re looking for a man who can be a pillar of strength and stability in your life. You want a man who you can count on [no more worries of being on the bottom of his list] to do what he says and say what he means. You’ll be impressed by how responsible, strong-willed and hardworking [mos def'nly a turn on] he is. If you’re ever in a crisis, he’s definitely the man you’d want to come to your rescue. He’s very intuitive and has a lot of “common sense.” He has a shy and reserved exterior, but one-on-one you’ll find he talks openly about himself and what’s important to him. He’ll dress and act conservatively. But behind his serious exterior is a very loyal and faithful potential partner. ["Romeo, O Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?"---dee's in the background yells "check the gawddam single ads!"]Romantic sex Good sex is important to you, but it's only one of many ways you connect with your partner. To you, life is about finding balance, and a romantic and satisfying sex life is a key part of your vision.[doesn't every woman wants a man who can make her feel beauitful and loved?]
August 06, 2003
Once again insomnia is kicking in. I had it under control, but then BHAM, I'm tossing and turning. Haven't been able to get a decent sleep since last week. And I know the reason why also. I have this annoying "pain" located on my shoulder blade, all the way down to the humerus. It has been in "pain" for about three weeks now. At first I thought nothing of it. Maybe I putted too much pressure on it. But a few days ago it got worst. To the point where I'm almost balling my eyes out because it freaking hurts, when I tries to move my arm. It's strange because the "pain" occurs only at night and only on the left side. I hate to schedule an appointment with my physician, but I have too. I don't want this condition to worsen.
August 02, 2003
It’s going to rain today. I love the rain. Hate summer. But love winter and when it pours. I find it relaxing when it does rain. Not some light showers. But when it just rain hard, with lighting and thunderstorms. It’s the best time to cuddle up with that special someone, with a cup of hot chocolate and just live the moment.
August 01, 2003
1.kheoun, me&dee@formal'00My homegirl, Dee been complaining to me how she’s “so fat” and “needs to drop 60 lbs”. She would speak of our days kickboxing. We lived and breathed that sport. We were each other motivation. Yeah. We had a blast then. But she went right back blahing about her weight. It’s bugging because all she does is complain and haven’t done anything to fix the problem. So I told her, I’ll take her biking in the early morning. That should be a start. I threw some other ideas at her. But she wouldn’t agree. After about 15 minutes or so, we finally came to an agreement; the aqua fitness at our local Y. So my plan for this weekend, go swimsuit shopping. Yikes! Phyrun in a bathingsuit?!?hilarious. May 10, 2003
I find it sexy when a man knows how to cook.
April 05, 2003
See what happens if you lay a finger on me motherf...I’m not one who promote violent, but in the name of self defend, I’ll give you more than just a back hand slap. gimme a baseball bat...& I'll pull a "devon"* on ya (* refer to an ex, where he tried to get "physical" and I ain't talking about sex either)

8February 04, 2003||Until Our Souls Unite...(dream)
I remembered being shot. Someone shot me in the back. I could feel the bullet running through and blood just swimming onto my shirt. But for some reason I continued to run. Run to where? I was lost. For miles the only things my eyes seen was the golden dirty road leading to nowhere. I could feel the present of the sun-it was burning the sole of my shoes but my tears kept my body cool. My knees began to lock and slammed against the road. That last moment peace was found beyond the heavenly skies. The life in me was slowly being drain…my whole life flashed before my eyes. Rewind to the beginning of time…beginning of when our soul was being born. You were the protector of the Great Empire of Kampuchea, a warrior during the Angkorian period. But in a bloody bath during the raid of the Siam, you were slain. Part of me die that same day. I journey through out my next life hoping to be made whole again. But always being disappointed and wonder why our paths haven’t cross. For a day without you is a day spent in misery. Now I am close to grasping your love again. I can feel it. Images of our love gave me strength to accept death. I accepted my fate, for I knew beyond the gates of heaven you would welcome me with open arms. If I never wake up in the morning-if I was to die tonight, then my love, we will finally be united. And nothing will part us again. ***************************88January 16, 2003||Friends come and goes I hate it when people are dishonest with me. Especially when it's someone so close. I'd rather hear the truth than be feed w/bullsht. A real friend wouldn't do that. I guess all these years been nothing but lies. I mean, I had this done to me before. It's a repeated cycle. It's life. And life always throwing sht at me. I don't stand there-I just carry on with my journey toward happiness. I'm not gonna stand still in the tracks and let the train run me over. Oh hell no. But I never thought he would do this to me. Forbeep'nsake, he's my homeboy. We been through sh!t together. We're tight like siblings. He said 'we no longer can be friends'. So basically his girl hate the idea we're friend. She hates that we spend so many time together. Even if those time spent are over the phone. So yeah, she just came into his life-controlling his ass and he's dumping our 5 year friendship for the sake of her happiness. What can I do? It was his choice. I'm not gonna stand in the way of his happiness.[ I'm not happy about the idea.] I mean if I do, what kind of friend would I be? I'm not going fight fire with fire. Just let it be. I'll still be here when he comes running back. Things happen for the best. Even if it mean just sitting back and let him get hurt.
January 08, 2003
Why do people always come to me with their problems, especially concerning their love life? I’m no expert in the love department. All I can say is follow your heart-let it be your guide to finding true love. “If it is your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile”--unknown