"Kunzite, I just think we should not see each any more!"
"Why?" I all but roared at him. I did not understand! We had spent months together and suddenly he starts avoiding me?
"I do not expect you to understand, Kunzite! Simply to obey my wishes."
"I am not a servant you can simply order about Zoisite and I will not merely step aside to suit your whims!"
"It is not like that, Kunzite. It is not." He sighed and in the reflection of the glass windowpane, I could see him cover his face with his hands. "You just do not understand…"
"Then explain it to me. Do not turn me away with no explanation, no regard for me, with nothing and expect no reaction." Watching him stare out at the night sky, I could not help wondering precisely how old he was. He seemed so young, so vulnerable. I was tempted to cross the room, to destroy the barrier of space that kept us apart, but my wounded pride stopped me. I had never been brushed aside, ignored as if nothing. How dare he! "What in the world made you think that you could toy with my emotions and then claim I do not understand!" Perhaps it was better that I did not draw near to him. Even standing at either side of this unused dining room I had to fight the urge to grab him by the shoulders and shake some sense into him.
"Your poor hurt pride." Even I could not have missed the bitterness in his tone.
"I care about you Zoisite. I have said it often enough. Perhaps you are as deaf to my words as you are to my heart?" He looked up at me sharply. The words were cruel, too cruel for this petty fight. If anyone else had said such a thing to him, I would have almost strangled them, regardless of who they were.
"Oh, Kunzite…" His voice was so quiet I was barely sure I heard them. He took a deep breath and turned once more to the window. "I am sorry Kunzite. I am so sorry. Please believe me, I never meant to hurt you. Truly, I did not. It is simply that…"
"What?" My voice was soft, but anger and pain still tainted it.
He looked down, staring at his hands. It was a habit of his, something he always did when nervous. He was probably biting his lower lip as well.
"I never imagined…not in my wildest dreams…that you would care for me. I thought that you viewed me as a game, a pastime, something to occupy your hours until you found someone better."
I was silent waiting for him to continue.
"I am sorry. The fault is all mine. I gave you the wrong impression Kunzite. I am not yours. I never will be yours."
"Are you telling me you do not care at all? That I was a 'game', a 'pastime'?" Even as the hurt swelled within me, I could not help thinking that this was poetic justice indeed. I had done the same thing to others with no regard for their feelings but I had been young and foolish. I had not understood the consequences of a few enjoyable moments and whispered sweet words. I had been heartless, but I had not meant to be… Just as he had not meant to be. Could I blame him for the folly and selfishness of youth? I did not know, so I waited for his reply.
"No, I… It does not matter. If it makes you feel better, then I do care for you. I honestly do, but there are things in my life that are more important to me."
I let out the breath that I had not been aware I was holding. He turned and walked towards me, or perhaps it was towards the door. Either way, he stopped in front of me. Looking into his eyes, I realised that his regret was not false. I had never seen him look so sad. How ridiculous that we were here to 'part ways', as he had said earlier, and all I wanted to do was hold him until he smiled.
"I do not expect you to understand Kunzite but I truly am sorry. Farewell Kunzite." He said, then walked out of the room.
That was it.
I had never fallen so hard and fast for anyone else, and suddenly it was over. Finished, because I simply was not important to him. I went back to my old habits of late nights and late awakenings. The old behaviour patterns that I had enjoyed became trials. The colours were not as bright, the tactics not as interesting. The sunshine was not as warm without him. I found myself avoiding all the places we had walked together, side by side without touching, engrossed in conversation or simply enjoying the chance to be together in silence. However, I must admit I found a new joy in nights soaked in alcohol and filled with prose and poems of tragic loves. There was something utterly delightful about reading of someone else's misery. None the less, attending anything formal became pure torture. Spending hours at dining tables and ball rooms trying not to watch him, trying to pretend he did not exist, finding yourself automatically comparing every attractive person in the room to him and finding them lacking. The worse thing was the hollow empty feeling left inside me…the knowledge that I was not important…
"Kunzite? By the gods above Kunzite, have you heard a word we said?"
The sound of Endymion's voice broke my reverie. "Sorry, I was thinking of something else."
"We noticed." Not even Jadeite's sarcastic comment could drag me out of this heavy fog of melancholy.
"From the amount of attention you are paying, any onlooker could by forgiven for thinking there were only three Guardians here." Endymion's cold disapproval barely seemed important. None of this seemed important. Spending days practicing and planning for enemies who never appeared and probably never would. Just another way for our dear ruling prince to occupy his days…until his next visit with the Moon Princess. Sometimes I wondered why any of us bothered to come to these ridiculous meetings. What in the world made them important enough for us to come? What in the world made them important enough for Zoisite to come? It was only then that I noticed that he was not actually there.
Nephrite must have seen my surprised glance at his seat.
"Zoisite has returned to his homeland." The comment was surprisingly gentle for Nephrite.
"Oh." Why should I care if he stayed or left? We only spent our time trying to ignore that the other ever existed. Well, I did at least. He probably did not care one way or the other. Why should I care if rooms or continents separated us? It should not have mattered, but somehow it did. Somehow, the thought of not having him was worse if I could not even see him.
"His visit is only temporary, Kunzite. He said he had obligations he had to fulfill but would be back here in a few weeks time." Another gentle comment from Nephrite. Surely it should worry me that he was acting so strangely. Normally, he could not greet anyone without some kind of taunt. Yet, it seemed to just be another unimportant detail within my life.
"Since Zoisite is gone, and considering your attitude Kunzite, you might as well be, there is obviously nothing to be gained from continuing this meeting. We should postpone any subsequent meetings until Zoisite returns." Endymion, ever the organizer, simply decides, for us, what would be best.
"If we have no more duties here, we might as well travel to the wedding together." Jadeite's suggestion surprises me. I have heard no news of any official weddings. Obviously, it does not surprise Endymion as he nods.
"That would be good Jadeite. Since the wedding is in two weeks time, we could leave in a few days and enjoy a countryside horse ride. It has been so long since I have taken Thunder for a good ride." Thunder, an appropriately extravagant name for our extravagant prince's favorite. Apparently, the idea has upset Nephrite, if one takes into account the way that he is glaring at Jadeite and Endymion.
"What wedding?" I ask, only slightly curious. Honestly, I do not particularly care. Without him here, there is no reason for me to stay in Endymion's palace.
"It is not important, Kunzite - just a minor affair. I am sure it would not interest…" Nephrite is interrupted by Endymion's sudden coughing fit and Jadeite's outburst.
"Minor! How could you call such a thing minor? I doubt that you would describe your own marriage so."
"Whose wedding is it?" A small speck of suspicion burns in my mind. What is Nephrite trying to hide?
"Zoisite's, of course! The invitations all came weeks ago. How could you forget, Kunzite? Although, I guess you may have considering your current state of mind." Endymion laughed at his own comment, as he and Jadeite left to organize the supplies needed for 'our trip'.
Surely, Endymion was joking. I had received no such invite and as for Zoisite marrying… he was too young, too inexperienced, he could not be…
Nephrite looked at me apologetically, "I am sorry you had to hear about it this way, Kunzite."
"No, he could not be… he simply could not…he…"
"He is, Kunzite. It has been mentioned and talked about by everyone. I wondered if you realised."
"He… Oh, gods above…" My entire world seemed to crumble beneath my feet. This could not be happening. It simply could not be happening. He had said that he was not mine, that he could never be mine, but he had never said that was because he was someone else's! The final insult, not only was I not important enough for him to tell me the truth, I was not even important enough for him to invite. I held my head in my hands, leaning over the table before me as if it were the only solid thing in the world. It took all my self-control not to simply weep. How pathetic - I had never shed a tear for a lover before! So why did this news, why did his happiness, make me want to hide in a corner and cry.
"Kunzite?"
I had forgotten that Nephrite was still in the room. How humiliating…
"Do you want to come with us?"
"What?" I turned on him, glad to at least have something to direct my anger towards. "What sort of foolish question is that, Nephrite? It is obvious that I did not know of the wedding. Do you think I am so stupid that I received an invitation and did not understand what it meant? Evidently, I did not receive an invitation!"
"I know that Kunzite." Surprisingly, his voice was not angry, but rather concerned. "I was sent two invitations." He placed one on the table. I noticed the golden letters, and the motif of pink cherry blossoms and roses with dark green stems. Gold, pink and green - his colours...
"Why would I want to go? He does not want me there."
"Do not go for him. Go for yourself. Go for the person you would be if you did not go and wish him happiness. Surely you do want him to be happy?"
"Of course I do." It was true. I could not bear the thought of him being miserable. I surprised myself. I honestly wanted him to be happy, I just wanted him to be happy with me. "I will come."
"Thank you."
I looked closely at Nephrite. "Why are you bothering with me? How does this concern you, Nephrite?"
He shrugged. "You are a fellow Guardian, Kunzite, and so is he. It would not be right for Earth's Guardians to be fighting amongst themselves. You are of no help to us if cannot pay attention to plans, let alone fight an enemy." He paused, then continued. "Besides, you are a good man, regardless of how annoying you can be. I dislike seeing you so upset."
"Unless it is your taunts that have caused it." I could have asked him how he knew of Zoisite and I, but I did not. I did not care. It did not matter, especially considering he obviously was the only one who had realised.
He smiled. "Exactly. I cannot help hoping that despite everything, there will be a happy ending for the pair of you." He got up to leave. "For it to end like this… That would be too tragic."
I watched him leave and then picked up the invitation. It was not addressed to anyone and was probably the same as the ones sent to every minor Lord and Lady. I toyed with it between my fingers, rereading the slanted script until I felt I knew it by heart.
I would go. I would go if only to tell him that I did not resent his good fortune and to wish him happiness and luck. At least I would be able to see him smile again. I had not been able to erase from my mind the sad look on his face, the utter misery in his eyes, when we had parted. Yes, it would be good to see him smile. Even if I were not the cause of his joy, it would be good to see him smile.