"Missing"
By Yui Miyamoto

"Shinji-kun! Shinji-kun!" She used to call to me on this very seashore. It was a hiding place, or actually, her place of refuge.

I would always bring her here when she was little, but as she grew older, she started going by herself. It was our hiding place from the world. I understood her, but not entirely. I could not comprehend her attachment to this place when she felt alone.

She was only twelve. She was my "Megami-chan" (which means my "little goddess"). Yeah, I adored her. I’ve known her since she was four. No, she wasn’t my little sister, just a friend of my family. Our families were close, so we always were talking to one another.

So, I thought nothing of it when she asked, "Will you be my boyfriend?"

That was so cute. Of course, I went along with it...But she’s gone now.

Disappeared without a trace. The only thing found was the locket I gave her on that day which happened to be her birthday.

Where did you go? One month and nothing. Two months...three...four...by five, we were desperate. Her parents were so devastated to the point that they stored EVERY SINGLE THING they owned and [refurbished] their home so that they wouldn’t be painfully reminded of her.

What was I supposed to do?

She couldn’t have killed herself. But the report said, "Last seen on seashore ____".

Until now, I am not giving up. She was my little best friend. If anything, I would have taken her place in this crisis.

"Determined to look for someone?"

The voice in back of me stood silently and patiently for my answer. I was transfixed on gazing upon the place where I found the locket. "Do I have that kind of look on my face?"

She smiled and looked out to the sea. "Whenever someone is lost, they try to regain where they left off." She laughed and looked back at me. "I’m sorry, I tend to drift off like that."

"No." I shook my head. "Don’t be sorry."

"I’m just very insightful because I think a lot."

"Yes." Where did you come from? How do you know this place? Why are so relaxed next to a perfect stranger, Shinji?!

"Here." She put a charm into my hands. "I think you’ll need this more than I do."

"Thank you." And she walked away.

With that short conversation with that young woman, I stood there shocked from my response to her.

She was relaxed around me...as if we had met before. All I knew is that she was very kind. Sure, I needed this thing. It was needed to find my Megami-chan.

I can’t remember what happened that day. It was too devastating that I went into deep shock. Deep guilt rises in the gut of my stomach from this, but I have no idea why.

Chapter - All I remember.

All I can recall is this...

We were laughing and then blank. My mind blocks out the scene.

In a glance, all I remember is being at the door running after her. Her parents saw her, but Megami-chan rushed out anyway.

Another block out. She’s gone. My memory comes back when I pick up her locket with my knees in the water. I can’t describe the way I felt at that moment. It was horrible, though.

Her parents did not even get upset with me. "Eventually, she had to get over this crush she has on you," her father told me.

Crush...Why does that sound weird? We were best friends.

She was very mature for her age. Almost close to being an adult.

I drove home thinking about this. Crush...

"Shinji-kun? Will you be my boyfriend?" The innocent remark at five years old to a fourteen-year-old. And being the sensitive one, I took up the offer...no strings attached, right? She’s only a child. Except, why does my heart ache whenever I replay this moment in my head?

Who is that? There was someone walking alone on the road. She didn’t turn around, but I drove up next to her. "It’s late. Why don’t you ride with me?"

The girl just curiously looked at me. When she realized it was me, she puts out her hand. "It’s okay. I’m okay."

"It’s quite a long time from seeing houses."

"I know." Her head tipped a bit, but she kept her eyes in contact with mine. "It’s okay because I’m used to this."

Flash. "Okay."

"Thanks anyway."

I drive off, but a tidbit of something was reminded to me. Her last remark. Where had I heard that before? It wasn’t from a person, I know that. A poem?

I looked back and saw her just standing there. I felt bad for leaving her behind. The guilt became physical and I stopped on the side of the road. I grabbed my chest and took some of my medication.

The medication was for my trauma. It was to boost my memory somehow and suppress these severe anxiety attacks.

After five minutes, I began to drive again. A white mist flashed before my eyes. Was it the medicine? I suddenly took the charm out of my pock and felt better.

My apartment. It was a large dark room to me. So sad. At the closing of the door, I sat immediately on the sofa from exhaustion.

I wanted to see her again. I wanted to know why was she there. She was a bit odd.

The next day, I just watched her from the ledge overlooking that secret seashore. There she was in a red top and blue skirt. Just sitting on the sand with her knees to her chest. After a while, she got up and walked ankle-deep into the water. She never turned her head, and just kept on staring forward. Then, she grabbed her left wrist with her right one.

The young woman suddenly screams.

I run to her.

It was a cry of pain that I never could describe...as if it was calling out to me with more than a physical touch.

I stopped. There was some sort of barrier around her that I could not touch or see. The water rose up now to splash on her knees. Still staring out at the horizon, she sang, "Watashi wa hanarete." [Note: Watashi wa hanarete means "I will stay distant" in Japanese.]

Since it was in Japanese, I could not understand it. At least, literally. The only thing I understood was ‘Watashi’ for ‘I’.

Again, the song called out to me. My head swam with even more confusion. This song...

Her head finally turned to me. My heart ached with pity and care. Her face was so sorrowful that I would not handle my heart. It was so heavy that I fell to the ground with my palms out. The invisible blockade had disappeared. She just stood there thoughtfully.

I’m just wondering, "Why couldn’t she help me? Why can’t I help her?"

At that moment, she fell to her knees next to me and shook her head. "I’m sorry. I cannot touch you."

"Why?"

"I’ll turn back to water."

My eyes grew heavy. Water? What water? Why water? Tears? Floods? The mysterious aura of hers was even more compelling than her soft beauty.

She was like a doll that you couldn’t touch lest you defame it with your unholiness. Pure and whole with a sadness that made her more tragic to look upon.

Chapter - Yakusoku, yakusoku. (Promise, promise.)

When I opened my eyes, the sun was still shining with a clear blue sky. I heard the waves, but what struck me the most was her. She stayed in that position looking at me.

"You’re a funny one," she commented.

"Me?"

She giggled.

"Just who are you?"

"Rinn. Call me Rinn. Let me guess your name."

"Okay."

"Haruhiko."

"No."

"Shouji?"

"Nope."

"Shinji?" [Note: His name is a pun. "Shinji" means "to believe".]

"That’s pretty good!"

"I always had a knack for things like that."

"Well, I’d never have guessed your name."

"Seemed like it."

"What do you mean by that?" I was getting pretty defensive.

"Don’t be offended. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings."

"Hey, don’t frown over it."

"I can only smile for so long, Shinji-san." Rinn got up. "I hope you’ll find my mirror someday."

I sat up and gave her an expression marked with perplexity. "A looking glass?"

I was going to grab her hand after she turned around, but without a glance, her hand pulled away. "If I’m ever to see you, it will always be with looking."

"Wakarimasu, Rinn-san. But if I must look at you, I want to see you smiling." [Note: Wakarimasu = I understand.]

"..." She said nothing. "Isn’t it hard for you to promise something you cannot guarantee?"

The remark felt like an icicle thrust into my heart and penetrated until it reached the other side of my body.

A few days later, I came back one evening. Again, she was there, but this time with her hair in a braid and wearing a green dress. Her hands were folded while she looked at the moon with her eyes closed. I couldn’t hear her at first, but as I walked on closer, I heard:

"Oh, my darling,
Won’t you die for me?
Ahh...
Oh, my darling,
Won’t you die for me?
Ahh...
Ahh...
Oh, my darling,
Won’t you die for me?
Ahh...
Ahh...
Ahh..."

She sang. And this time I understood it because she sang it in our native language. High pitched and beautiful. It was a cry. Her hands reached out as if she wanted to embrace the faraway moon. It was as if she wanted to do the impossible.

Rinn was like a painting with watercolors. The pose was perfect...except I wanted to hug that painting for real. It looked as if it were going to fall apart at any time.

Why do you have such sadness?

"Shinji-san." She shook her head as if she knew exactly what I was thinking.

"Tell me anything about you," I blurted out. I was falling in deeper and deeper.

It was me who wanted to touch her. She took me faraway from myself in this dreaded existence.

Fear encompassed my heart and mind from trauma of which the cause I knew nothing of.

"You still don’t remember, do you, Shinji-san?"

My eyes blink and I stepped back. "I know you?"

"Yes, a long time ago. " She walked towards me and stood in front of me. "You are too late. You were always late."

"I don’t understand." My arms lifted from the sides.

"I just came to see if I could live in you."

I shook my head in frustration with tears. No embracing and no comprehension.

"I thought you’d learn to love me if I came back like this."

"Aah!" I fell to the ground hugging myself. Flashes of images repeated in my brain.

I couldn’t make out the places and their faces.

As she raised her hands, she said, "I know you’ll remember this song."

She sang another verse. "I’ll always have you. As long as I’ll always have you."

Then, she did the forbidden: her soft kiss. It felt heavenly and sharp recurrences came with it all in a split-second. I remembered and tried to engulf her body between my arms once more with my eyes closed, but all that remained was water as the waves came and went to sweep her away.

A split second...too...late.

Chapter - Remembering

(In that split second, time ceased and I remembered everything...)

"What do you want for your birthday?" I plopped myself on her bed while she continued writing.

The air seemed colder than usual.

"Nothing. I just want you here."

She got up. "Well I want you to hear this song."

I sat up straight while she sang to a new song she learned on the radio. Her voice was quite developed.

When she finished, I clapped.

A melancholic frown. "Thank you."

She stood there looking at me.

"What?" I asked.

She forced a laugh as best as she could. "You did not understand."

I snapped the locket on her neck. "Understand what?"

"Thanks for the present." Megami-chan ran from her room. She somehow got a taxi and got to the shore seconds before I came.

I ran to her as I screamed for her not to walk into the water. "Megami-chan!"

"It’s a charm, Shinji-kun." Lower and lower she walked in singing, "I’ll always have you. As long as I’ll always have you..."

"Megami-chan! MEGAMI-CHAN!!!"

I ran to her spot and swam to catch her body. It disintegrated into water before my eyes until I only embraced water and a locket in my hand.

"You couldn’t love me as a woman!" She had whispered.

"I wish I could be older," her lips read as she took her last breathe.

Her birthday wish.

And the woman I now loved drowned within her.

I cried and hugged the air in desperation. Her voice during that split-second had said, "Water brought me back to life out of pity. Why couldn’t you love me? Why did you think it was a game?"

The guilt now crushed me. I had been the reason she died! Agony was tearing my heart apart. The same girl whom I played along turned out to be the woman I’ve been looking for all my life and will never have.

"Why couldn’t you love me?" Her voice echoed.

Her voice sang to me,

"I hear you wherever
And I see you whenever
I want to.
But why does it hurt me so?
As I sing for a deaf ear.
Who really hears me,
Only myself.
I am by myself.
But there you are.
You are in my dream
Or is this true and honestly
Real as I look at you
Looking at me.
I don’t care why,
even if you hate me.
I will stay distant.
Ahh...
As I always have.
It does not matter.
I’ll always have you.
As long as I’ll always have you.

Oh, my darling..."

The same verse is repeating. The whole song is playing for me.

"Don’t leave me," I murmured.

"I’ll always have you. As long as I’ll always have you."

The water embraces me. I want to be near you.

"Watashi wa hanarete. Ahh..."

Let me be near you.

My eyes were fading of sight because I was so disillusioned, but nodded off to unconsciousness.

"Oh, my darling, won’t you die for me?" I heard her sing to me.

I now realize I am the mirror of your soul. You can’t go anywhere without me coming after you.

"Oh, my darling,
Won’t you die for me?"

Owari/The end.

typed (7/23/99) Fri.
proofread (7/25/99) Sun.

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