"The Voice Actress"
By Yui Miyamoto

Her voice is so incredible. I can die and go to heaven now.

It's an anime soundtrack, but I really don't care. If these are the songs she sings with, then so be it. Man, I'd follow wherever she'd go.

"God, you're so embarrassing." My best friend, Kappei, comments as we walk to apartment. "You're not in high school anymore."

"What?" I take off my walkman. "I didn't do anything."

"You were singing her songs. Again. How can you be so obsessed over a voice actress?"

"Hey. I looked for years to find her face. She has the most amazing voice I've ever heard!"

"Yeah, well, you're going a little overboard, even for you." We stop at the intersection.

"It's not anything bad. It's my hobby."

"This 'little' hobby of yours causes for you to frame her picture in your room? It's anime character and not even a real photograph! You're cute. Besides, Haruka, when do voice actresses go for guys if they're always busy?"

"I'll find her. I'm going to meet her. No matter what."

"You sound so determined, it's scary."

I stop and turn to him. "It's because I am."

The light changes and we resume walking.

"I don't know about you, but there are girls wanting to be with you here in a place called reality and you're going gaga over a dream girl?"

"She's real, but far away. That's all."

"[Realistically] speaking, how will you ever meet her?"

"I've got my ways."

"How, Haruka?"

"Contest." I sigh slightly as I look up to the sky.

"What now? The last one left you tired and broke." He sighs outloud. "What an idiot."

"It's making the actual story for an anime show."

He stops and bursts out in laughter. "You want to do that?"

"It pays well...and first place winner gets to choose their voice actor/actress that they designed for their character." I laugh a bit. "All this for the real thing."

As he opened the door to the apartment, he comments in a frustrated tone, "You fell for the cartoon. One after one, you like all [these] anime [characters]. And then you notice there's one voice behind them. Bam! You adore her."

"Hey, lay off, will you?" I close the door. "I did my research and everything."

"Okay," he slyly [answers] as he turned on the coffee maker, "What's her birthday?"

"December 12."

"How old is she?"

"24."

"Where was her first voice acting role?"

"Kawaii."

"And are you obsessed over her?"

"No, [she's] just the kind of girl who's my ideal."

"You're sick." He goes into his room.

"And you're my best friend? I thought you were supposed to support me!"

His head plops out of the room. "I support you, it's these weird ideas that you get are what I really worry about."

"Very funny."

He grins and [goes] back inside.

I, on the other hand, go up to the CD player and press disc four, track 7, titled, "For Only You":

"Do you think I would
Have gone this far
Without a single reason?
To be next to you,
To fall into your lap,
I did everything.
And in the end,
I hate to say
it was all in bitterness and pain.
It ended in vai…n.
You couldn't.
Flowing from me
To you,
You couldn't return it.

How can you give me that love
When you gave it to someone else..."

I sang along with her while making dinner.

"You scare me sometimes. You act like a girl."

"Never insult the cook while they're cooking," I warn over my shoulder. "I do hope you get to live until tomorrow. We need to pay rent."

"No, I mean, every single day I have to hear anime songs, especially with her on. I really thought this was a phase."

"Now you see it isn't."

"How do you plan to see her?"

"I'll win the story contest."

"Oh, God, I think I feel another headache coming."

"Hey!"

Several weeks later...

A knock on the door. "Hey, are you alive in there? I hardly see you! Kari's been wanting to see you!"

"Sorry." I continue sketching away.

When I finished, I explained to Karen and Kappei, "I was making this manga about this girl who is taken away by a protector and guardian she knows nothing of. He is her mother's cousin...a mother who died when she was really young. His only proof of his bloodline is the jade [necklace] he wears secretly. She is then taken to a home on a mountain that belongs to her mom's family. Then, she is placed in a book with this protector that [she] must learn to trust. They must together protect a child. In the real world, her killers are looking for her because she has a secret that even she doesn't know about.

"As the child grows, she realizes that the boy looks like her guardian...because in the end, he is! This book is his own diary being written. He died because her mother and him are the same age! He never had a human life so he had to have a past in order to survive in a world in which he, an angel, has fallen for human who is also beyond human!"

"This is good," Kappei remarks with Karen sitting next to him.

"Yeah! The story's original. That character looks pretty cute too, you know."

"Oh, don't you dare," Kappei whined. "Not you too! I've got Aoi (me) over there already obsessing over that voice actress."

"I repeat once more that I am NOT obsessed," I protest.

"Yeah, whatever."

And when the results came...

I fell down.

"Hey, you can meet her now, right?"

"I haven't seen the results yet."

"Then why are you on the ground?" He looked down on me.

"Because I slipped."

My heart is beating fast. I really want to win. This was my dream: artist, screenplay, and her. Life couldn't get any better than this.

"Hey are you listening?"

I had fainted.

"Sayonara, Aoi." She walked away from me.

A cartoon character...A beautiful one with her voice was walking out the door of the recording studio.

I stood there dumbfounded. Was she really-

"Huh?"

"I guess it was too much for you," Karen jokes as she places a cloth on my head. "You must be really in love with her because you were [screaming] her name."

"R-really?"

"You know, Aoi...I'm really sorry you didn't win the contest."

"That's okay."

"But she came out with a new CD." She handed it to me. "Here. Kari got this for you. That girl always knows what to get for you!"

"Yeah, I know. And always at the right time...but we hardly see her." I get up to put on the CD.

"You're not fazed for very long." She turns her chair towards my direction.

"When Megami Nemutteiruno is near, do you think I'll be dwelling in sorrow?"

"Kappei's right. You ARE obsessed!"

"Will you stop?! I'm not."

"Yeah...'no' he says as he's blushing red."

Kappei comes into my room and laughs at me. "I came as soon as I heard the music."

"Ha. Ha," I sarcastically respond. I smile and start on to build the confidence to try again.

Kari comes by during the evening.

As soon as she hears that I fainted, she laughs so hard that I got a little annoyed.

"[It's] not so funny. And then, I had a dream of Megami."

"Oh." She has a serious look on her face. "Did you get her CD?"

"Yeah. [By] the way, thanks! How do you [always] seem to get these CD's? I feel bad that you always spend money to buy these for me."

"Aw, it's nothing. I just know where to get them." She smiles. "They always give me these at work; and you like them so what better thing can I do than give them to you?"

"I have to pay you back someday."

"That's fine! I'm glad to do it!"

"Oh! She is aggressive!" Kappei jokes.

"I'm just being nice."

"I just wish they'd say who she was, though."

"Why is that? How about if she doesn't want to be known to the public?" Kari reasons.

"He's in love with a voice if you haven't been informed," Karen says to Kari.

"I didn't know that. I thought he wanted the anime."

"It's because you're always busy."

"Oh, don't put her on some guilt trip," I reply.

"You always defend her." Kappei smiles.

I blush again. "She's our friend. I have been Kari's classmate since high school! You know that."

"Okay. Don't get all defensive." Karen and Kappei go the kitchen to make dinner.

Now, Kari sits on the chair next to my bed while I sit on it.

"Heard you didn't win the contest."

"News travels fast, doesn't it?"

"What were going to do with it, anyway? Did you really want to meet her?"

I look down and give her a whimsical smile to sincerely answer, "Yeah."

"Why do you like her so much? You don't even know what she looks like."

 
"I don't have to. I've always had this weird sense to know how people are by the way they speak."

"Oh." She looks away. "You don't even know what's her real name. Megami Nemutteiruno is a screen name."

"Really?" I tap her so that she'd look at me. "You're lying, right?"

Her eyes were in shock and then she lays her head on the front of her fingers like 'the thinker' and laughs.

"What's so funny?"

"You're so cute. You'd think that we were still in high school."

"We didn't even know each other as well as we do now. But you always seem far away, Kari. I still don't really know you and we're already 22. We have finished college already!"

She jumps up from the chair. "We will…someday. It's not our time yet. Even if we're not close friends," she says and turns to me, "We will be later. I'll be ready to tell you."

"Okay. I'm okay with that...So how was work?"

"Great!"

"Just what exactly do you do anyway?"

"I do subtitles in foreign languages."

"Do you ever meet any anime stars?"

"Once in a while...but we're in two different buildings."

"That's cool."

"Hey, I want to see your manga."

"It's really boring. You don't want to see it."

"Yes, I do. You worked hard on it. That's why I didn't bother you. That's also why I got you the CD. You know, she's coming out with another anime soundtrack."

"Got to have it."

"I'm already getting it for you in three weeks."

"You win." I open the drawer next to her and drop into her lap. "This was it."

She looks at all the people on the list I made. It was just a list of all the people I wanted in it. She nods and points at one name. "I don't think you should get this person. I'd suggest..."

"When did you get so good with names of producers and behind the scenes people? Especially for anime?"

"I'm an otaku and have seen millions upon billions of anime. Of course I know."

"Hey, what are you doing with my manga?" I see her hug it and walk to the CD player.

"I'm going to take it home and read it."

I smile. "Phew. Thought you'd gone nuts for a minute. Just kidding. Jodan! Just joking about what were you doing."

"I've never seen you draw manga before." She goes to the sliding door. "As long as you're doing something you love, you'll be happy. I like people who follow their dreams."

Still hugging the manga, she sits back down. "That's why I like you, Karen, and Kappei. You all follow your dreams. Especially you."

"Did you follow your dream?"

"Yes, I did. I got to do something with television."

After a long silence, she smiles even more [and] gets up. "You'll meet her. I know you will."

 
Knock. Knock.

"Mm. I'm still sleeping. It's a Saturday." I groan.

"But it's me, Kari."

"Oh, Kari." I turn over as she enters my room. "I'm still sleepy."

"Sorry to bother you, but I have a surprise for you." She lays her hands on her lap as she sits down.

"Yes?"

"Well, first off, here's the CD."

"Thanks. You know I mean it."

"But that isn't the surprise."

"What is it?"

"Get dressed. You're going with me."

We arrived downtown and go up an elevator. We walk up to a door.

"Here it is." She opens the door.

People are standing in the room...But isn't that-

"Are you the screenwriter Ms. Shinji told us about?" A woman asked. (Miss Shinji is Kari.)

"I-"

"He doesn't know yet..." She turns to me.

"I got everyone on that list for you. They all loved the manga. You can do whatever you want. I got you sponsors and everything."

I couldn't believe it. I held her hands in deep gratitude. "So, where do I meet Ms. Nemutteiruno?"

She looks away.

Mr. Hirada, the famous director, says, "Didn't you know that-"

"Excuse me, Mr. Hirada," Kari interrupts politely, "but I haven't told him about that."

"Not him either? And that name was top of his list."

I was lost, but I understood what this meant. "She isn't here, right?"

Mr. Hirada puts his arm around my shoulder. "It's such a long story."

"Oh, I know she must be busy. Not that I mean you're not busy-"

"I get it." But Mr. Hirada looked over at Kari with a weird expression.

"So, when do we get started?" I asked.

 
When we went home, Kari drove and blurted, "I hope you're not upset with me."

"UPSET with YOU? You got ALL the people I wanted on my list, you got me a manga contract, you got me to be a character designer of a new anime and you think I'm mad at you?

"It's just that your face fell when you saw she wasn't going to be your leading lady."

"Sure, I'm sad. She's not there, but that's okay. Whatever it was, I understand."

"She, um," Kari stuttered, "she wrote in your CD booklet."

"She wrote in my CD?!"

"I forgot to tell you that."

I read, "I am sorry I am unable to do this project with you, Mr. Aoi. I really loved the manga ...but I'm sick and unable to speak so Miss Shinji will do this for me, okay? Whatever happens, your next project will have me in it."

"She thinks I'll have another project, Kari-san." I was beaming and read on, "I know this one will go well. Love, Megami Nemutteiruno."

I sighed. "I could just kiss you right now, Kari! Thank you!"

She gave half a smile looked on the road before us. "I'm really sorry she couldn't come."

"Hey, it's not as if she did it on purpose."

"..."

"By the way, how did you get all those people? It's amazing."

"Connections."

"Being a subtitling person has its perks, doesn't it?"

"More than you'll ever know." She got a piece of kleenex and wiped her eyes.

"You're crying."

"No, I'm not."

And the job went well. Kari-san was with it all the way.

I was in heaven. Not only did I made the story, I drew and voice acted as the male lead. With Kari-san, she was a natural in the acting department.

The recording director just called for a break when I complimented, "You're so good. Subtitling's other perk."

"Yeah." She took off her headphones.

"You didn't, Ms. Shinji," the recording director questioned.

She shook her head.

I didn't understand. "What are you guys talking about?"

"N-nothing."

"Okay."

 
The main character became Kari-san. It was her. I think it even looks like her. Probably I unconsciously put her as the design.

I came early to the studio one morning and found Kari-san already there. I couldn't hear her at all because even the control booth was closed too. I don't know if it was me, but I saw them get apprehensive. Quickly, it was done and I was allowed to go in.

"What did you guys just record?"

"The opening and closing themes."

"Wow. Kari-san? I didn't know you could sing."

"I never told you?" She gulped.

"No, but that's fine. Can I hear them?

"It's a surprise. I want you to hear and see everything together."

"Okay."

When the advertisements were being done, the staff just told me it would be out there-TV, billboards, and in the manga.

I picked up the manga before going in that afternoon. Quickly, I flipped through it. I still couldn't believe it was actually done-dream and everything: Manga artist and character designer and screenwriter.

On the last page, I saw the advertisement with a cute pic of the main character back to back with her guardian. My name was in white print next to the protector as "Manga artist as his own lead male." [Opposite], in big, black print of characters, it said, "And featuring, a voice actress you know you'll want to hear!"

We were in the dark room previewing the episode before it goes out in three days. Kari-san and I sat next to each other laughing our heads off in some hilarious scenes.

I watched the characters come to life. The designs flowed. The scenery was good and looked realistic enough. But most of all, the voices were harmonious. We went with our characters. I created "The Protector" with my image, but with Megami as Lynn who is now played by Kari-san.

As the end of the first episode came, the director and recording director glanced at me. Suddenly, in that dark, film room, Kari-san held my hand.

"I know you were nervous."

"No, it's not that." She gets up to leave. "

"But you'll miss your song."

"I'll hear it next time. I have to go get a breath of fresh air."

She leaves.

Two minutes later, the ending theme, "Always By Me" came on.

"Oh, my God," I gasped.

The song played with the credits:

"You will always be there

Wherever I go and do.

You'll never see pain,

Always feel myself flowing..."

The screen read: "Cast." I whispered it out to myself.

I'm thinking, "I am not seeing and hearing what I am, right Kari-san?"

At that moment, I read, "Lynn Ikuno played by Megami Nemutteiruno."

Instantly, I rise up to run. All this time! The glances, the CD's, the busy schedules...And I never figured it out!

I don't know how I knew, but I walked up to the roof. There she stood in front of me looking up at the stars. She turned around.

All I could say was, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was." She put her head down. "You were so happy over that 'Kawaii' performance, but a month later, you got all this stuff because of 'the voice' that I got scared."

While she spoke, I walked over to her. I stood in front of her. "Why did you get scared?"

"You idolized her. I didn't want to disappoint you."

She looks up with tears.

"What makes you think I'm disappointed?"

"I'm not that beautiful or as outgoing as you thought your voice was."

I held her teary-eyed face within my hands to stare honestly into her eyes. "Why would you care what I thought?"

"You said, 'Her voice is incredible.' I wanted to hear that again. I was so honored...but I wanted it it to be for me.

"Does it look like I'm disappointed? If I do, feel free to slap me."

"..."

"You're incredible."

But no, I wouldn't kiss her to comfort her. She was my friend. I wouldn't kiss her. Even I knew she wasn't that type of girl.

So, I just silently held her face. "It was you, wasn't it?"

"What did I do now?" She laughed.

"I never told you your voice was incredible."

"No, I know you didn't."

"Then why did you say I did?"

"You said it in high school."

"That's what I said, but didn't know it was you. I heard someone but didn't see a face. So all this time, I kept on thinking that Megami's voice reminded me of what I heard a long time ago."

I let go and she walks away from me. "That was the first time someone ever noticed me."

She turned her head to me. "I went into voice acting because of you."

I was taken aback. "Me?"

With a wistful smile, she walked to the door. "Let's go back."

"O-okay." Before I knew it, I grab her hand before we step into the building.

"Yes?" She didn't turn around.

"I'm not disappointed." I let go and walk down the stairs ahead of her.

When I came back into the room, the two directors watch me. All I could do was go up to them and place my hand in the back of my head and joke, "And you guys kept me in the dark about this?"

"Actually, we thought you knew. We thought that since you were her friend that she had already told you."

"And no one but the staffs wherever she works knows what she really looks like or her real name." She walks into the room.

We are ushered to go to the restaurant for a reception. I'm silent at the wheel.

All I can think is, "Why?" I can understand her reserved nature, but people should get to know the real her-or at least what I knew about her quiet personality. I guess it's a great shock to me still. Everyone dreams...and I always played a lot of scenarios of how and when I would meet her.

But it wouldn't click. She and my images of Megami were not too different, but very different from each other. I know that's a paradox, but try to understand: what do you do after you've gotten what you have wanted for a long time?

"I guess...Sometimes...it's better to just run for it than actually getting it. Masaka... (Gosh...)"

I'm not disappointed...It's just that she's my friend...

And that totally changes EVERYTHING.

Sure, we weren't close but..."I'm not in love with her. I was in love with the woman I thought she was."

I close the door and walk to the restaurant.

After eating dinner, Kari gets up to go to leave early. "Thanks, everyone."

When she finally gets away, I run after her and throw myself in front of her door.

"Could you please move?"

"I'm not budging."

"Why are you blocking my way, Haruka?"

"Because we're not finished."

She puts her head down and begins to shake. "So, what are you going to tell me? You don't love 'Megami' because I ruined the image of your dream girl?"

"What?"

"Excuse me." She pushes me aside and jams the key into the hole.

I grab her shoulders and turn her to face me. I read her eyes with great intensity while she watches my own.

"Listen. You're...right." I take a deep breathe. "But why do you care so much of what I've thought through all these years?"

"Because I...I..." she trails off, looks away, but looks back with a vengeance. "I love you!"

She pushes me away and covers her mouth. "I-I'm so sorry."

We are both in deep shock. But she screams with clenched eyes and fists, "You shouldn't feel any obligation or any gratitude towards me. My name was just a personality in itself!"

When she drives away, I say that I'm leaving too.

I drive to her house and wait on the front step. I've never gone inside this house, though.

At one in the morning, I hear her footsteps. She looks up from looking at the ground to see me there. When she comes to the porch light, I see her eyes.

"I've been waiting here for four hours."

"I didn't tell you to."

"..."

She opens her door and walks in.

I grab her shoulders from behind her as soon as I close the door behind me.

"You don't have to pity me," she says defensively and tries to pry herself away.

I grab on a bit tighter. "But I don't. I pity myself. Why isn't this working out?" I begin to cry.

"I'm not your type...I overheard that while we were in high school."

"What?"

"When you were talking to the rest of your popular friends, I walked by behind the bushes and heard you say that. You cannot imagine what and how I felt hearing your friends tease me...but you. You were the kindest. You simply told them to stop making fun of me and that I wasn't your type. That was the reason you wouldn't like me." She clenched onto my arms and cries into my sleeves.

I could feel her pain. In high school, she was as secretive as she was now. She was quiet and reserved. No one really paid attention to her…except me.

I noticed.

"Cry all you want," I consoled. "I think everything has built up to this moment. You've kept everything that has ever hurt you inside, haven't you?"

I am emphatic. That's why I could feel how she felt. It was not love. I liked her as a friend. Damn! This is what's making this so difficult!

She cried hard for quite a while. And I somehow understood. She lived up to the word 'actress'. 'Voice' was for all her songs. All her songs were sad disguised with attractive and up-beat melodies. They were all packed with content. That's what she was good at. Her voice...

She used her voice as her dream.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Kari lets go and smiles while wiping away her tears. "No, I'm okay now."

She takes a deep breath. "I totally ruined your image of your dream girl."

I gently shake her. "Don't you understand? You don't live for anyone. You are who you are! No one can take that away from you!"

"I'm trying to wake up."

"Try harder. You don't have to live for expectations other than your own. Is this what you've done with yourself?"

"I lasted this long because I am forced to live!" Slap! "And another thing, even if I can't be seen, I give others hope. Why do you think I am popular? I am a dream. We all thrive on dreams."

I couldn't take it anymore. I embrace her tightly with all the love I could give her. I feel the hot tears fall from my cheeks. "But you don't know what else to dream for."

"I've already got my dream. It's my job to spread what I have."

"You can't take the world onto your shoulders, Kari-san." I shake my head and my hands began to quiver. "You're just doing this for pity. Self-pity."

"I don't have to take this from you. Get out of my house!"

"I'm not letting go until you are ready!"

"You don't have to help me. As far as I know, I've always done everything by myself. You will make no difference to me."

"I know you mean nothing you're saying. When nobody saw, I did! You didn't go unnoticed!"

"Liar."

"You're just bitter. No, actually, you're just putting up this act so that you'll look strong."

"You're wrong. It's the world that's the play."

The last blow. I let go. "Fine. Wallow in this."

"I play my part. The puppet without strings." She bursts out and grabs my chest from behind me as I turned to leave. "Then...make me one with you."

"I..." I couldn't answer.

I want to help her know she has a friend. I wanted to assure I wanted to be with her always...

"But," I reply gently and turn around. "I..."

I couldn't speak while gazing into her blue eyes filled with tears. "I...I can't."

"Why not me?" She steps back and looks to the ground. "Why is it always not me? Everyone always makes me last."

She runs out of her home. It is now raining. The rain is pouring hard, but here I am at two a.m. still looking for her. Where could you have gone? You never go anywhere but work...

"I always sing when I'm sad," she wrote in response to a magazine that did a special on her. She said she dealt with her emotions by singing.

Karaoke! So, I visit ones that are opened all night. There are only three in three separate locations...all around the three corners of town.

I enter the second one. "Is there a blue-eyed girl singing karaoke here tonight?"

"Yeah," the owner answered. "Poor girl. She was crying, but I swear I've heard her singing voice before."

"Here." I give him money. "I'll take a both next to hers."

Knock. Knock. She opens the door and immediately wants to shut it. "Please leave me alone."

"All I want is for you to be happy."

She pushes out the door with her hands on her sides. "Who made you my savior? You just want to play the hero as everyone else who has pitied me!"

"Is he [bothering] you, ma'am?"

"No, I'm leaving. Thank you very much for letting me sing." After fixing up her mess.

"No, you're not leaving." I'm blocking the doorway still dripping wet.

I hold her hands and kneel to place my face into her hands, but I stare straight at her. "I want you to sing to me. This is how I can be with you."

She kneels to pull me up. "You were always different from all the others."

We get up. "I knew you understood what I meant."

"I thought you meant-" I blushed.

"Nothing else."

We go into the booth I reserved and she sings. When we were finished, we went home in a cab together. At her doorstep, she smiles and says while holding one side of my face, "I hope you realize that all the songs I've ever recorded were for you. That's why you always got the very first copy."

She closes her door.

I go home to find Kappei-san sitting on the couch watching television. "Where were you? I called the restaurant and they said you left early...and geez, you're soaked."

"I was chasing after Kari in the rain."

"So, you've been with her all night?"

"We went karaoke." I slump in the couch.

"You look like the world's crushed you."

"It's obvious?" I laugh pathetically.

"Why were you chasing her?"

"She left upset because she thinks I pity her."

"How'd it come to that?"

I look at him. "It's such a long story that I don't even know where to begin."

"Should I put on a Megami track for you? That's your thing when you're depressed."

I get up and sigh to walk into my room. Before I close the door, I finally reply, "Not today...It will make even more depressed."

I close the door.

"You passing up a Megami Nemutteiruno? The end of the world has come, hasn't it?"

"Ha. Ha. Very funny."

"Hey, hey." Kappei pushes my door forcing it to stay open. "You can't just say no to Megami and expect me to take it lightly. I'm your friend. I'm seeing that you're really, REALLY depressed now."

I sat up on my bed with my hands folded and head down. I sigh in frustration. "I'm depressed in a way that I'm REALLY shocked."

He jokes, "Let's just put it that you found out Megami Nemutteiruno was Kari and-"

"That's exactly it," I interrupt.

"You're not serious. Are you?" He pats my back. "You're not kidding. Oh, boy."

"I don't mind her not telling me all this stuff, but I've got two problems."

"One is that you're not attracted to her."

"Right. And the other one is that I've imagined Megami to be the way I wanted her to be that-I'm so ashamed about what I'm saying."

"You're saying that you can't see Kari-san as Megami and Megami as Kari because to you, as well as everyone else, think of them as two completely different people."

"Exactly."

"Man, it's going to get a lot more [complicated] from here on because you're in love with a voice of a woman who doesn't exist and not interested in a woman who has the voice, but doesn't play the part you had in your mind."

"Wait. There's more."

"More?" He grew paler than me.

"Please keep this between you and me, but Kari's in love with me."

"Oh, we all knew that."

"No, I mean she really is! It's not infatuation. She's been in love with me since high school."

Kappei overreacts by imitating that he stabbed himself in the heart. "The last and final blow. Will our hero survive?"

"I've got a big problem now and I don't even know how to approach it. I may seem stupid. But I've been in love with her voice for three years. That's what's making this so difficult!"

Kappei sat next to me on the bed and lightly slapped the back of my head. "You've separated her from herself. She made herself different from her 'name' that you can't put them together."

"Why the heck is this so hard?! It's only a voice. I'm making a big deal over a voice!"

"It's more than a voice to you. You told me that voice was of your ideal."

I fell back upon the bed. "Hmph! This is so confusing."

He began to laugh at me.

"What's so funny? I'm in a serious situation here and you're laughing?!"

"It's like a a love triangle. She goes for you. You go for 'another' girl. And that girl only exists within you."

"Hey, I loved that 'girl'."

"Why can't you learn to love her?"

"I've never ever looked at her in that way."

"How about if you spend some time with her?"

"What do you think I've been doing for these past few months?"

"Oh, yeah."

I sigh in frustration. "This is nothing. Why should I make a big deal about it?"

"That's it!" He got up to leave. "Stay with that when you go to sleep."

"Sleep? What sleep?" When I entered the kitchen, Kappei immediately responded, "Good morn-Your eyes are bloodshot!"

"I didn't get sleep. Dreams are different once they are given to you after waiting."

"Hey, Karen," I greeted while she looked up from reading the newspaper.

"Hi...why didn't you get sleep?"

"Oh, please don't ask."

"Okay."

I ran into my room and pulled out copies of all these drawings I had done. They were all characters that I wanted 'Megami' to play if I ever got the chance.

I ripped them all and kneeled on the floor.

Kappei opened my door. "Haruka..."

I turn my head around (about to cry). "It's frustrating because I don't feel anything for her except for being her friend."

He grabbed my head under his arm. "Go ahead."

"Take it all away, Kappei. Please, I ask of you to put all my original sketches, CDs, posters, anything of her in a box and stack it in the hall closet. If I take one more look, I'll break it al!!"

"Haruka. It's okay."

"It's not okay. I feel betrayed because no one's there and angry because who is there cannot become more. I'm very upset right now and I don't know how to deal with it."

He tapes the whole box after packing everything.

"I feel like I've just been dumped," I say.

I averted my back away from him and stared at the barren wall, the empty shelves, [and the sketchbook] stand with no paper.

When I opened my desk drawer, the pencil rolled. The drawer had nothing in it either. Only that pencil. It was my favorite pencil. I had done countless drawings with it.

I jolted my shoulders and began to shake. It was all to meet her. I just wanted to meet her through my manga.

Ring. Ring.

"Hey, Haruka! The phone's for you," Kappei yelled from the den.

"Who is it?"

"The director."

I ran out of the room to retch.

"Uh, he's not feeling to well..." he excused.

I came out of the bathroom and back into my room, and grabbed my keys. "Ja ne, Kappei. (See you, Kappei.)"

"Okay."

I never thought I'd react like this. It shouldn't be a big deal. "It's just a voice. I just loved her voice!"

I was so disorientated that I didn't notice the CD cover on the passenger's side. On the side of the road, I stopped and took it in my hands. I slowly took out the booklet with a quivering hand, but then, I shoved it back in. With my hands, I crushed the CD cover and threw it back on the seat. I just couldn't force myself to throw it off the cliff.

I breathed in deeply and started the engine once more. I went back into town. But it was in vain. All over the stands and streets were advertisements of my manga and her picture (character) on every magazine with reviews of the series.

Of course, no one recognized me. Except, I almost broke down when I accidentally glanced while walking by a bookstore.

When I passed by an electronics shop, I heard, "Don't miss the first face-to-face, live interview with the decade's favorite seiyuu, Megami Nemutteiruno!"

"Why now?" I sarcastically thought. Is she really that comfortable revealing her 'real self'. Well, don't expect any sympathy from me. (Yeah right.) That's not how the world works.

"G-gomen," I apologize.

The young woman looks back and replies, "That's okay. It was my fault for bumping into you."

"No, I did it. I've been tuning out reality so much that I haven't been paying attention to anything."

She gave me a concerned look. "You look flustered."

"It's nothing."

"What?" She looks at me dumbfounded.

"I said it's nothing."

"No." She grins widely. "It's you, isn't it?"

I point at myself. "I am?"

"You're the creator of 'The Protector'."

Silence.

"I recognized your face, but when you said, 'It's nothing', I knew it was you. I love your manga."

"Wow...thanks."

"Actually, I..." She looks to the ground. "I liked it because I heard the voice actor and...I..."

"Yes?"

"I know this is inappropriate, but I have to say, you have the cutest voice I've ever heard. Can you believe I became infatuated instantly by a voice? Silly, huh? Well, I've taken much of your time. Bye."

I caught her hand.

"Yes?" She blushes.

I blush too. "No, it isn't silly. Take it from me. I've been in love with a voice for more than three years now and her name was [Megami] Nemutteiruno."

"Oh." She smiles. "But everyone loves her."

"You don't understand, I fell in love with her because of her voice."

"But aren't you supposed to love a person?" She covers her mouth. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. You're right. That's been the problem. No one knows who she is or what she looks like. Just what she's answered in writing at home when magazines give her questionnaires."

She sighs and bows. "Mr. Aoi, my name is Miteta Eien and I really love your voice."

She gets up. I'm still in shock. "But you said..."

"I though I was the only one in this world who was in love with a voice!"

"C'mon, let's go drink coffee and talk."

"Okay."

We walked across the street to the Hikari Cafe. After ordering I continue, "I'm still perplexed."

"Sorry about the outbursts. It's just that I feel like a little kid finding that perfect teddy after a long time of looking."

"You're really sweet. Thank you. I really needed to speak to someone or else I'd be sick."

"Why?" She looks at me with full of attention and care. "Not to pry or anything, but if you want to talk, go ahead."

"It's just complicated. For example, it is about this girl who likes this guy who doesn't love her because he loves someone else...but close to her."

"I'd say that's complicated."

"And now," I look up to meet her eyes, "I've met someone I like."

She turns bright red. "Aren't you in love with 'the voice'?"

I point my head down to stop from beginning to cry. "She's the girl I cannot love."

A question mark dominates her facial expression. "I'm afraid that I don't get it."

"It's a long story."

She leaned over and patted my shoulder. "It will be okay. Just remember this. I always say this when I'm depressed, 'If I don't get what I want, there is always something better afterward'."

I thought about it. "Thanks. I can see that now."

She smiles. "To tell you the truth, I lost this contest to be a manga artist and now I got to meet you, so I'm not sad anymore."

"Is it that one where you pick your seiyuu?"

"Yeah."

"I entered too."

"Really?"

"I honestly didn't know who I wanted. But now I do."

We finally drank our coffee and continued to talk all afternoon.

"So what's your name again?"

"Miteta Eien, Mr. Aoi."

We walked on in the sidewalk.

"Call me Haruka."

"O-okay." She folds her hands.

I give her my jacket.

"You don't have to-"

"I want to." After a while, I ask, "Are you watching the Megami Interview tomorrow?"

"Yes because I think she is a very sweet and creative person. Also, I'm curious as to why she's kept quiet for three years about her [appearance] and everything about herself. Yet, everyone loves her. She's so mysterious, I guess."

"I would like to watch it with you."

She stops. "Okay."

The next night...

We watch in her apartment.

Interview:

Host: Welcome to Channel Eight. Thank you very much for agreeing to do this.

Megami: I think it's time I reveal myself to the public.

I got a queasy feeling.

H: Can we go straight to questioning?

M: Sure.

H: What interested you to go into voice acting?

M: It was in high school. I sang one day and I finally found [something] beautiful to give to the world.

H: How did you get into it?

M: Letters to agents, auditions, and demo tapes. One day, I finally got the female lead in 'Kawaii'.

H: What is your favorite character?

M: Lynn Ikuno.

H: Why?

M: She's different from all the other characters I've done. She's sensitive and kind, but she changes because of her genetic [patterns.]

H: What are other projects are you planning to do?

M: I don't know.

(Break)

I got a bad feeling when she said, "I don't know." Knowing her busy schedule, it didn't make sense.

(It resumed.)

H: Okay, let's go to the personal stuff. Do you have a boyfriend?

M: No.

H: What do you like to do?

M: Sing and read manga.

H: Will you be [publishing] any manga?

M: As of to this moment, no.

H: What is your perk of being a seiyuu?

M: That's easy. The fans. I love reading everything. Thank you for supporting me so far.

H: Is it true that you answer everyone back?

M: Yes, I do. I want them to know there's a person behind the voice.

A stab to my heart.

H: And...

(Second Break)

"You look pale," Miteta commented.

"Naw, it's just the light."

"Here." She got me a glass of water.

(Continuing Interview)

H: Why did it take three years for you to show yourself to the public?

M: (She takes a deep breath and faces the camera.) This is why I came here tonight. I wanted you all to take your first and last look at me. As of this moment, I would like to step down as a seiyuu.

H: Why? This is so sudden.

M: (Facing camera again.) If you've heard my song, 'The Voice'/'Koe', you have to listen carefully next time. I've been living up to the title 'beloved voice actress'. That is true. All you ever heard was a voice. But you didn't pay attention to 'actress'. I am an actress. Not only a voice, but as a person as well. I thought that if I could hide my face, people could accept me easier by imagining who I was. (She looks down then up.)

H: ... (Host's face is in shock.)

M: My name is not Megami Nemutteiruno, it is Kari Shinji. I'm sorry for lying to you, but I am most sorry for not myself, but someone I knew who loved 'her voice' and deceived everyone, especially him into thinking we were two different people.

(Tears were in her eyes, but she looked away.)

H: Well, thank you very much. And this concludes our special for tonight."

The television was turned off and both of us were still in shock.

"She quit." Miteta said, "She always seemed good to me. I cannot see why you couldn't love her."

"She didn't quit, she's beginning."

"But why can't you love her?"

"I don't feel anything."

"..."

I got up.

Miteta-san pushed my back. "Go to her. Now."

I turn around. "Okay."

I walk off and grab my jacket, but then I come back and stand in front of her. "I forgot something."

"What? I don't see-"

After kissing her, we blush furiously. "I found the 'something better'."

She smiles, but is still shocked. "I did too," I heard her as I closed the door behind me.

 
Where would I even run? No, by the time I get to the station, she'd be gone. Besides, the public would still be there. How would you react to what she said? Compared to my situation, I wouldn't know about the others. All I knew was that maybe they would be in extreme sides for she had been fooling herself. (She thought she deceived them as well by doing so.)

I've never seen someone do that. Not even me. Why she had to hide [behind] the scenes was beyond me. What am I saying? I knew her better than anyone.

"Doko desu ka? (Where are you?)"

Fortunately, she was still there at the station. Her fans were outside the building, but it was quiet. The [crowd] parted silently for her.

What would they say?

A young man pushed through the crowd. He held out his autograph pad to her. She sadly turned her head, but kept up a smile of melancholy. "I still love you. No matter what. Will you please sign my book?"

"It would be an honor." She wiped her tears and wrote. "Th-thank you."

"No, thank you. You're still Megami Nemutteiruno!"

A girl in high school screams "Yeah! Nothing has changed but a name and now we have a face!"

The crowd cheered. As I approached her closer and closer, more and more people came. They loved her. They really did with all sincerity.

She wasn't an actress; she wasn't fake as she had thought. She was just sleeping inside of herself blooming. Like her name, 'Megami Nemutteiruno', which [meant] 'Sleeping Goddess'.

After the crowds had parted, it was the dead of night and I just watched her. A man about our age approached her. "Ms. Nemutteiruno?"

"Yes?"

"I just wanted you to know that you were wrong."

She looked at him curiously.

"You were wrong when you said we all had separated you into two people. I want you to know that I always made you one person. I've always imagined you this way." He stood there a moment, then he turned around after saying, "Thanks for listening."

"Wait." She took out a picture of herself and signed it. Kari hands it to him.

"Thank you very much."

"I loved your voice, at first. But when I read all about you, I knew I had to find you." He then walked away as she stood there alone under a lonely street lamp shining upon her.

She walked in my direction. I came out of the corner.

"Haruka."

"Hi, Kari."

She lifted her head up, but tears were rolling down her cheeks instantly. "I wasn't just a voice, Haruka. You didn't wait for all of me."

At that moment, I watched her run to her car.

That's what I did wrong: I didn't look hard enough...or stay.

I followed a voice who called to me. I liked the call more and more, but I didn't want to see who it was. I was afraid. I didn't understand who you were.

Yes, that's it. I guess I really did just love your voice except I know that in some part of my heart, I somehow learned to love you without consciously knowing it? You as Kari, I mean. But as usual, I never figured it out until the very end and I can't erase what I've done wrong.

It's like the poet Ian wrote in the poem "You Broke My Heart":

"When you saw the real [me],

You didn't want it."

Owari. / The End.

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