Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well,

there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However

every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies

invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that

no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad

scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic

mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an

Evil Overlord:

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass

visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not

kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on

the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the

Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same

applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,

``Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?'' My reply

will be, ``No, just sensible.''

8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, ``Look, before you

kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?'' I'll

say, ``No.'' and shoot him.

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married

immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in

three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be

carried out.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely

necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button

labelled ``Danger: Do Not Push''. The big red button marked ``Do

Not Push'' will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone

stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will

not clearly be labelled as such.

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is

destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small

hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need

to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my

weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an

accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies

wouldn't believe it.

15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word

``mercy''; I simply choose not show them any.

16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any

flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before

implementation.

17. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several

rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the

bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as

any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the

aforementioned disposal.

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as

members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear

military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any

other form of last request.

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find

that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to

activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting

his plan into operation.

21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad

scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently

twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage

he's caused.

22. I will never utter the sentence ``But before I kill you, there's

just one thing I want to know.''

23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to

their advice.

24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned

attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal

distraction at a crucial point in time.

25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was

evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd

betray her own father.

26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in

maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss

unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could

adjust to accordingly.

27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original

uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap

knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman

footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually

defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I

will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my

troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to

neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue

energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a

handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and

weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job,

at least I will never utter the line ``No, this cannot be! I AM

INVINCIBLE!!!'' (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any

sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for

one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

32. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are,

there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate

to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a

prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

33. I will never build only one of anything important. For the same

reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at

all times.

34. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will

immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct

the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break

into my inner sanctum to attempt this.

35. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot

escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

36. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever,

I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy

enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no

good structural reason.

37. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies

into confusion.

38. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and

cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death.

My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have

no source of comic relief.

39. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with

surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected

reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his

sidekick.

40. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously

resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life

through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.

41. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad

news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are

hard to come by.

42. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes

and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some

monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim

to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion,

etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing

ever comes along.

43. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to

wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more

casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black

leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

44. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party

getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.

45. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

46. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look

diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of

Generation X.

47. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell

block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I

will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of

handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

48. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing

a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted

lieutenant.

49. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring

anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately,

instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of

vengeance towards me in my old age.

50. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride

at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my

opposite number among his army.

51. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an

unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as

possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

52. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky

time-travel devices.

53. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or

being executed.

54. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,

monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable

of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

55. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the

beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and

good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her

in on my plans.

56. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who

work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even

the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

57. I will not rely entirely upon ``totally reliable'' spells that can

be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismen.

58. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is

responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my

general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say

``And here is the price for failure,'' then suddenly turn and kill

some random underling.

59. If an advisor says to me ``My liege, he is but one man. What can

one man possibly do?'', I will reply ``This.'' and kill the

advisor.

60. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I

will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting

for him to mature.

61. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology

with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it

will not immediately come after me for revenge.

62. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy

me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will

send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in

the local paper.

63. My main computers will have their own special operating system

that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and

Macintosh powerbooks.

64. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While

elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses,

they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.

65. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the

conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately

transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

66. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to

examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and

abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

67. If the beautiful princess that I captures says ``I'll never marry

you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!'', I will say ``Oh well'' and

kill her.

68. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to

double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

69. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place

in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on

important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will

first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would

attract less attention.

70. My legions of terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any

who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be

used for target practice.

71. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will

carefully read the owner's manual.

72. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose

dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

73. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

74. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any

code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30

seconds, it will not be used.

75. If my advisors ask ``Why are you risking everything on such a mad

scheme?'', I will not proceed until I have a response that

satisfies them.

76. I will never accept a challenge from the hero.

77. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding

structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a

firefight.

78. I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers

are dead.

79. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors.

And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames

going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

80. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely

unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to

be a disadvantage.

81. If I must have computer systems with publically available

terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room

clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the

Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as

Sewage Overflow Containment.

82. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone

who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad

for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating

that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

83. If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing

bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton

of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.

84. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be

instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a

full-scale emergency.

85. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This

is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the

offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again,

they'd better save my life again.

86. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be

delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in

foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures

of the wild.

87. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always

travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if

one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other

will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of

quizzically peering around a corner.

88. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she

should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of

marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

89. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device

and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon

instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

90. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged

contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for

them to win.

91. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so

that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I

will not label the disk ``Project Overlord'' and leave it lying on

top of my desk.

92. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse,

instead of standing around waiting while members break off and

attack one or two at a time.

93. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and

struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge.

94. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless

trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet

access.