25 THINGS I HAVE LEARNED IN 50 YEARS BY DAVE BARRY

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of

helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason

why we observe daylight-saving time.

3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of

humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is

entertainment.

5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you

think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at

that moment.

6. A penny saved is worthless.

7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace

in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward

the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few

microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter

enemies.

8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,

religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we

all believe that we are above-average drivers.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a

big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want

you to share yours with them.

13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that

generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new

concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of

possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG

PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a

show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT

ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits

out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so

on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

14. Nobody is normal.

15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited

and announce that

The universe is even bigger than they thought!

There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!

Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not

achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be

"meetings."

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy

people who are not in them.

18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what

the advertiser actually thinks. For example:

*If the advertisement says "This is not your father’s Oldsmobile," the

advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other

Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.

*If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are

significant differences between these two products, both companies realize

that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.

19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its

glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as

His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

20. You should not confuse your career with your life.

21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual

who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that

individual is crazy.

24. Your friends love you anyway.

25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.