1.Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
2.How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
3.Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.
4.Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
5.Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
6.What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
7.Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
8.What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
9.How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or
how long it'll stay.
10.What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
11.Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
12.Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all
their decisions.
13.Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
14.Why do men like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.
15.What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
16.How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
17.Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
18.Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
19.Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A.So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you
take them around the block.
20.How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A.One - men will screw anything.
B.One - men will screw up anything.
C.Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag
about it
21.How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
22.What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
23.How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or
extremely small.
24.What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
25.What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
26.Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the shit out of you.
27.Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains
28.What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
29.Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy
30.Why is a man different from a PC?
You only have to tell the PC once
31.Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract.
32.What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
33.What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
34.What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
35.What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
36.What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
37.How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
38.Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating
hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
39.Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell!
40.How are men like chocolates?
A.They never last long enough
B.They always leave stains whenever they get hot
41.What's a sure sign a man is planning to be unfaithful?
If he has a penis.
42.Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.
43.What is a "successful hunting trip" ?
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days
44.What does a man call true love?
An erection.
45.Why is a man like a moped?
They're both fun to ride until your friends see you with one.
46.What's the difference between a man and a parrot?
You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.
47.What is six inches long, two inches wide and make men act like
fools?
Money.
48.Why are marriend women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.
49.Why don't men believe in paternity tests?
Because the sample is taken from their finger.
50.Why do male bosses have such poor grammar?
Because they end every sentence with a proposition.
51.What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."
52.What is the definition of an inconsiderate husband?
One who wins a trip to Paris and goes by himself, twice.
53.Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.
54.What's the difference between a man and a cow?
One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place!
55.Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain!
56.What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
57.Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
58.What do you call a man who lost 95% of his brainpower?
A widower
59.What are the words women hate to hear when they are enjoying great
sex?
"Honey! I'm home!"
60.Why do men need instant replays on TV-sports?
Because they have forgotten what happened after 30 seconds.
61.Why is a man just like a dog?
A.Both have irrational fears of vacuum cleaning.
B.Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
C.Both are suspicious of the postman.
62.Why did God create man first?
Easy, He needed a rough draft.
63.What do ceramic tiles and men have in common?
If you lay them right in the beginning, you can walk over them for life.
64.How is a man in bed like microwave food?
30 seconds and he is done.
65.Did you hear about the woman who finally figured men out?
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
66.Why do a married man and his single male friend envy each other?
Each one thinks the other is having sex more often.
67.How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
a) None. Let the bitch do it herself.
b) None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.
68.How does a real man know whenever his girlfriend is having an
orgasm?
We don't know, we never met a man who cares.
69.How are boyfriends like cockroaches?
They hang around the kitchen and it's hard to get rid of them.
70.If one man can wash one stack of dishes in one hour, how many stacks
of dishes can four men wash in four hours?
None. They'll all sit down together and watch football on television.
71.What's the greatest mystery about men?
How they can get older but still manage to remain immature.
72.How is a man and a sports car alike?
Neither one can be depended on and they both move too fast.
73.Why did the man cross the road?
a) Because his penis told him to.
b) Because he thought he could get laid if he did.
c) So the useless driver (a woman) down the street could hit him.
d) Because another man dared him to and called him a pussy
74.Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a
man away?
a) Get away or I'll call the police!!!
b) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
75.How are men like diplomas?
You spend lots of time getting one, but once you have it, you don't know
what to do with it.
76.How do you confuse a man?
Tell him to start a knock-knock joke.
77.What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
78.Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbit computer virus?
It turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 floppy!
79.Why do men have pet names for their penises?
Because they don't like to take orders from a stranger.
80.What do you call 6 naked men standing on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!
81.What will your husband say if you, out of pure generousity, give
five dollars to a bum?
Thanks honey, but I need ten.
82.Man is the king of his castle
A king is a ruler
A ruler is 12 inches
Still think you're a man?
83.Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all
married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that
there is no such thing as a good man.
84.A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his
level of maturity.
That's why he dates someone half his age
85.What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
- Close the door!
86.If they can put one man on the moon, they should be able to put them
all there.
87.There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -
don't and stop
(unless they are used together)
88.Did you hear about the guy who left his wife?
She gave birth to twins, and he didn't believe her when she said there
was no other guy.
89.Give a man an inch and he thinks he's a ruler
90.How are men like toilets?
They're either occupied or crappy.
Their always blocked and full of shit