The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in

newspapers:

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART DOG

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L,

AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15

FREE PUPPIES: ? COCKER SPANIEL - ? SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE - 89 cents

GERMAN SHEPHERD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) -$50

NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT

AWHILE...BETTER BE REWARD.

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL - HOLDS 2 BIG BOTTLES OF BEER.

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED

FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.

AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND

FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87

NEAR

SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN

MAY

BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING $175.

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER - $300.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.

BAR S SLICED BALOGNA - REGULAR OR TASTY - SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2

OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box

FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.