The insanity of it all... Monty Python & GW... what more do you want... I have a script of the actual movie, so if something seems like I copy and pasted... I probably did... ^^; But I'll try and put as much original stuff as I can...
There's Yaoi, insanity, rampant OOC, foul language, uh... anything Monty Python... so there.
Oh yeah, and all characters belong to their original owners, blah blah blah, disclaimers and that kind of crap apply, yada, yada... Monty Python belongs to those who own it, I am just using their words for the sake of a laugh...
Characters:
Heero as King Arthur
Duo as Sir Robin
Trowa as Sir Bedevere
Quatre as Sir Galahad
Wufei as Sir Lancelot
And Otto as Sir not-appearing-in-this-fic.
I, TA, will be the Narrator! Hee hee... Everyone else will be variously dispersed within the fic and the five pilots will be other characters as well, following in the great Monty Python tradition...
~Scene 1~
[wind][clop clop]
[Heero is at the gate of a large castle in some random colony]
Heero (as King Arthur): Whoa!
Guard (Zechs): Halt! Who goes there!
Heero: It is I, Heero Yuy, son of Odin Lowe, from the castle of L1. And this is my trusty servant Pansy.
Servant (Dr. J): Patsy!
Heero: Whatever. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of bishonen who will join me at my court in L1. I must speak with your lord and master.
Zechs: Ridden on a horse?
Heero: Of course!
Zechs: You're using a couple of coconuts and banging them together!
Heero: So what?
Zechs: Where did you get them?
Heero: We found them.
Zechs: Found them? Here? We're in freakin' outer space! Coconuts can't grow in outer space!
Heero: Swallows and humans don't grow in outer space, but they're in the colonies anyways.
Guard: Are you suggesting that coconuts grow in test tubes?
Heero: Never mind. Where is your lord?
Zechs: Look, a coconut cannot be created in a test tube. It is not possible!
Guard #2 (Treize): Well, they could make a synthetic coconut out of rubber.
Zechs: But then it wouldn't make a clopping sound!
[Heero and Pansy (Dr. J: Patsy!) ...Right, Patsy, ride away from the castle, leaving the two guards to argue about the physiology of a coconut.]
~Scene 2~
[A muddy area of L2. It's muddy because the weather system of the colony screwed up...]
Mortician (Duo): Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead!
Customer (Trowa): Here's one. Nine pence.
Dead Person (Real Trowa): I'm not dead!
Duo: What?
Trowa: Nothing... Here's your nine pence.
Real Trowa: I'm not dead!
Duo: Hey, wait a minute, he say's he's not dead!
Trowa: Oh sure he is.
Real Trowa: I'm not!
Duo: You know, it's against regulations. I can't take him.
Trowa: Just wait for few moments. He's very sick.
Real Trowa: I'm getting better!
Trowa: No you're not, now just shut up and die.
Duo: I can't take him.
Trowa: Come on, do us a favor.
Duo: Nope.
Trowa: ...
Real Trowa: I think I'll go for a walk...
Trowa: You're not fooling anyone. Look, are you sure there isn't anything you can do?
Real Trowa: I feel happy! I feel— [WHOP!]
Trowa: Thanks a lot.
Duo: Anytime. See you on Thursday.
[Heero and Patsy clop through the muddy streets]
Trowa: Who's that?
Duo: Must be a bishonen.
Trowa: Why's that?
Duo: He hasn't got shit all over him.
~Scene 3~
[clop clop]
[Heero has reached a large field, where there are several peasants digging around in the mud that was caused by the stupid weather system.]
Heero: Old woman!
Peasant (Wufei): I'm a man!
Heero: Man, sorry. What bishonen lives in that castle over there?
Wufei: How could you have freakin' confused me for a woman? And I'm only fifteen!
Heero: What?
Wufei: I'm not old!
Heero: I can't just call you man.
Wufei: You could call me Wufei.
Heero: I didn't know you were named that.
Wufei: You could have asked!
Heero: Well, I did apologize for calling you a woman, but from behind you looked—
Wufei: Che. What I object to is that you immediately treat me like an inferior!
Heero: Well I AM king.
Wufei: King, eh? And how many people had to suffer for you to get that? By exploitin' the workers? By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society? ...If there's ever going to be any progress—
Woman (Sally): Wufei, there's some stuff down here... Oh. Hello.
Heero: What kind of a greeting is that?
Sally: A standard one.
Heero: But I am King of the Outer Space! You must greet me in a head-over-heals kind of fashion!
Sally: King of the who?
Heero: The Outer Space!
Sally: Who are the outer space?
Heero: We all are, and I am your king!
Sally: Oh really. I thought we were an autonomous colony.
Wufei: That's a bunch of horse radish! We're living in a dictatorship... A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes—
Sally: Oh boy. Here we go.
Wufei: Don't talk like that to me, onna!
Heero: Quiet! I demand to know who lives in that castle!
Sally: No one lives there. Who would? It's full of rats... [shudder]
Heero: Then who is your lord?
Sally: We don't have a lord.
Heero: Nani?
Wufei: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
Heero: Yes.
Wufei: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting.
Heero: Yes, I see.
Wufei: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,—
Heero: Be quiet!
Wufei: —but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more—
Heero: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Sally: Order, eh? Who does he think he is?
Heero: I'm your freakin' king!
Sally: I didn't vote for you.
Heero: You don't vote for kings.
Sally: Then how did you get to be king?
Heero: The Angel of the Galaxy, [angels sing] her arm clad in the purest shimmering gundanium, held aloft the Buster Rifle from the bosom of the stardust, signifying by Divine Providence that I, Heero, was to carry the Buster Rifle. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!
Wufei: Listen. Strange onnas distributing guns is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical space ceremony.
Heero: Silence!
Wufei: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some astronomical onna threw a space weapon at you!
Heero: Shut up!
Wufei: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just because some galaxy bink had lobbed some artillery at me they'd put me away!
Heero: Will you shut up!
Wufei: Ah, now we see the injustice!
Heero: Omae o korosu! [reaches to strangle Wufei]
Wufei: Help! Help! I'm bein' REPRESSED!
Heero: Bloody peasant!
Wufei: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that, eh?.... That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you?
[Heero pushes Wufei away and continues on his journey, the coconuts clopping all the way...]
~Scene 4~
[battle sounds]
[The Black Knight defeats another knight in an opening before a bridge as Heero watches. The Black Knight has a rather protruding bang sticking out of his helmet.]
Heero: You fight with the strength of many men, sir knight.
Black Knight: ...
Heero: I am Heero, king of the Outer Space.
Black Knight: ...
Heero: I seek the best fighters to join me at my court in L1.
Black Knight: ...
Heero: You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?
Black Knight: ...
Heero: You make me sad. So be it. Come, Pansy.
Dr. J: Patsy!
Heero: Patsy.
[They try to walk across the bridge. The black knight stands in their path.]
Black Knight: None shall pass.
Heero: What?
Black Knight: None shall pass.
Heero: I don't want to fight you; but I must cross that bridge.
Black Knight: Then you shall die.
Heero: I command you as King of the Outer Space to stand aside!
Black Knight: I move... for no man.
Heero: So be it.
[Heero takes out his sword and they duel. Hah. Parry. Thrust. Heero chops off the Black Knight's left arm after a short battle.]
Heero: Now move aside!
Black Knight: It's only a scratch.
Heero: Your arm has been cut off!
Black Knight: I've had worse.
Heero: Liar!
Black Knight: Come on, you pansy!
Heero: Fine. Play that way.
[The fight ensues, and Heero chops off the other arm]
Heero: Ninmu Ryoukai. [kneels down] We thank you lord for— What the bloody?
Black Knight: [attempting to kick Heero] Have at you!
Heero: You stupid bastard, you have no arms left.
Black Knight: Sure I do.
Heero: Look!
Black Knight: Just a flesh wound. [headbutts Heero in the chest]
Heero: Listen, as good as that feels, I order you to stop.
Black Knight: Chicken! Come and take me!
Heero: [raises an eyebrow, gets a thought, then thinks better of it.] Look, I'll have your leg. Right! [whop][chops off the left leg]
Black Knight: Oi! I'll have you for that.
Heero: You'll what?
Black Knight: Come here!
Heero: What are you going to do? Bleed on me?
Black Knight: I'm invincible!
Heero: You're crazy.
Black Knight: The Black Knight always triumphs! I'll poke you with my uni-bang! Come on then.
Heero: [lops off the other leg.] Let's call it a draw. Come, Pansy.
Dr. J: Patsy!
Heero: Patsy. [They leave.]
Black Knight: Oh, oh, I see, running away, 'eh? ... You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you.... I'll bite your legs off!
~Scene 5~
[Several monks walk by chanting, hitting their heads periodically with their books. This leads to...]
Crowd: A whore! A whore!
Villager #1 (Zechs): We have found a whore. May we gangbang her?
Trowa (Bedevere): How do you know she's a whore?
Villager #2 (Treize): She looks like one.
Trowa: Bring her forward.
Whore (Duo): I'm not a whore.
Trowa: But you are dressed as one.
Duo: They dressed me up like this.
Crowd: No we didn't!
Duo: And this isn't my bra.
Trowa: Well?
Zechs: Well, we did do the bra... Treize had one, so...
Treize: Hey!
Trowa: And?
Zechs: And we added the dress... But she is a whore!
Trowa: What makes you think this?
Villager #3 (Wufei): She gave me a fatal STD!
Trowa: Fatal?
Wufei: I got better...
Zechs: Gangbang her anyway!
Crowd: Gangbang!
Trowa: There are ways of telling whether or not she is a whore.
Duo: I'm a guy.
Trowa: Hush woman. Now, what do you do with whores?
Zechs: Gangbang them!
Trowa: And what do you gangbang besides a whore?
[pause]
Wufei: A kleenex?
Sir Trowa: Uh... no.
Treize: A slut!
Trowa: Right. So how can you tell whether someone is a slut?
[pause]
Wufei: They scream bloody murder?
Trowa: Certainly not!
Treize: They offer themselves for free?
Trowa: Yes, but that's not the correct answer.
Zechs: They react easily to sexual stimulation?
Trowa: Exactly. Now how do we tell that she is easily stimulated?
Duo: I'm a HE.
Zechs: We throw her in a lake?
Wufei: We pet her!
Trowa: Right! Now what else can you pet that will be sexually stimulated?
Wufei: Another onna!
Zechs: A cow!
Treize: A dog!
Zechs: Swords!
Wufei: Spaceships!
Heero: A duck.
Crowd: Oooh.
Trowa: Exactly! So, logically...
Zechs: So... if... if she gets stimulated in the same way as a duck...
Trowa: Therefore?
Wufei: A whore!
Crowd: Whore! Whore!
Trowa: We shall use my largest dildos!
[yelling][A dildo is placed in front of the duck and Duo.]
Trowa: Shove them in now!
[gag][Both the duck and Duo gag on the extra-large dildos.]
Crowd: A whore!
Duo: Oh well.
[Duo gets taken away by the masses to be gangbanged.]
Trowa: [Walks over to Heero] And who are you who is so wise in the ways of logic?
Heero: I am Heero, King of the Outer Space.
Trowa: My liege! [bows down so that his mouth is level with Heero's... uh... you know...]
Heero: [Attempting to calm down his raging hormones] Good sir knight, will you cum... I mean, come with me to L1, and join us at the Square Table?
Trowa: My liege! I would be honored.
Heero: What is your name?
Trowa: Trowa, my liege.
Heero: Then I dub you, Sir Trowa, bishonen of the Square Table.
[Narrative Interlude]
TA (narrator): The wise Sir Trowa was the first to join King Heero's bishonen, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Wufei the Just; Sir Quatre the Pure; and Sir Duo the Not-quite-so-just-as-Sir-Wufei who had nearly fought the Dragon of Sanq,who had nearly stood up to the viscious Chicken of L3 and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of White Fang; and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries, the Bishonen of the Square Table.
Duo: This is horrible.
TA: Shut up and go play your part.
~Scene 6~
[The five pilots trot along (without horses, I might add), their servants clopping coconuts behind them...]
Sir Trowa: And that is why dildos can be applied to save cows.
Heero: This new learning is very fascinating, Sir Trowa. Explain again how a condom can provide hours of fun.
Sir Trowa: Oh, certainly, sir.
Sir Wufei: Look, my liege!
Heero: L1!
Sir Quatre: L1!
Sir Wufei: L1!
Dr. J: It's only a model.
Heero: Shh! Bishonen, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride... to L1!
[Cut to scene of random bishonen singing]
We're the bishonen of the Square Table
We cum when e'er we're able
We do routines and naughty scenes
with asswork impess-Able.
We screw well here in L1
We use jam and lube by the ton
[dancing and various other naughty things]
We're bishonen of the Square Table
Our shows are for-mid-able
But often we are given positions
That are quite un-screw-able
We're horny mad in L1
We often screwed in the buns
[can-can dancing]
Oh we're tough and able
Quite indefatigable
Between our quests we sequin vests
And impersonate Clark Gable
It's a busy life in L1
I have to push the lever to cum.
Heero: Well, on second thought, let's not go to L1 — it is a silly place. Right.
~Scene 7~
[The face of a Chinese woman parts through the clouds.]
GOD (Meiran): Heero! Heero, king of the Outer Space!
[The bishonen all bow down]
GOD: Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people always groveling.
Heero: Sorry!
GOD: And don't apologize either. Every time I try talking to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy.' [Heero shields his eyes.] Now what the hell are you doing?
Heero: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.
GOD: Well, don't. I'm not that ugly. And I'm a woman. So knock it off!
Heero: Yes, Lord.
GOD: I'm a woman. Right. Listen, you and your bishonen of the Square Table are going to have to complete a task to make an example in these dark times.
Heero: Good idea, oh Lord!
GOD: Of course it's a good idea! And I'm a— oh, never mind. Behold! [The image of a shiny gundam that looks like Wing Zero shines above the bishonen.] This is the Holy Gundam. Look well, Heero, for it is your sacred task to seek this Gundam. That is your purpose, Heero — the Quest for the Holy Gundam. [GOD disappears into the clouds.]
Heero: A blessing!
Wufei: A blessing from the Lord!
Quatre: May He be praised forever!
GOD: [Her heads peeks back out] I'm a WOMAN!
~Scene 8~
[clop clop][The bishonen reach another castle]
Heero: Halt! Hello! Hello!
Guard (Dr. G): 'Allo! Who is zis'?
Heero: It is King Heero, and these are my bishonen of the Square Table. Who's castle is this?
Dr. G: This is the castle of my master, Dr. O.
Heero: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night [mumbles] and maybe a few good fucks, [speaks normal again] he can join us in our quest for the Holy Gundam.
Dr. G: Uh... I think he's already got a Holy Gundam.
Heero: What?
Quatre: He says they've already got one!
Dr. G: Oh yes, it's ver' nice.
Heero: Uh... well, can we come up and have a look?
Dr. G: Oh course not! You are bishonen types-ah!
Heero: Well of course we're bishonen. What does that make you?
Dr. G: I'm a doctor! That's why I have this outrageous hair, you silly king!
Heero: What are you doing here in Outer Space?
Dr. G: Mind your own buisness!
Heero: If you don't show us the Gundam, we shall take your castle by force!
Dr. G: You don't frighten us, bishonen pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Heero-king, you and all your silly bishonen knnnniggets! [rasberry] Thppppt!
Quatre: What a strange man.
Heero: Omae o korosu!
Dr. G: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper!...... I fart in your general direction! . Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! [1]
Quatre: We shouldn't fight... Could we talk to someone else?
Dr. G: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-ah!
Heero: Oi! Let us in or else!
Dr. G: Fetche lavache!
Another Guard (Dr. H): Quoi?
Dr. G: Fetche lavache!
[moo!][A large cow is being dragged into the castle square, and a catalpult is being readied.]
Heero: If you do not let us in, then I shall— [twang][mooooooooooo!][A huge cow flies over the castle wall.] Jesus Christ! Right! Charge!
All bishonen: Charge!
[Bishonen charge]
Dr. G: Ah, this one is for your mother!
[twang]
All: Run away!
Dr. G: [rasberry] Thpppt!
[After running away...]
Wufei: Injustice! Omae o korosu!
Heero: Oi, that's my line!
Trowa: Sir! I have an idea...
[Later...]
[chop saw chop saw]
[rumble rumble squeak]
[Wheeling trojan rabbit up to castle gates]
Muttering Doctors: C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here... [They take the trojan rabbit into the castle] [2]
Heero: Okay, now what?
Trowa: .... ...... .......
Heero: What?
Trowa: I said, Wufei, Quatre and I leap out of the rabbit at nightfall...
Heero: Who?
Trowa: Wufei, Quatre, and I... [looks around, notices that Wufei, Quatre and he are still outside] Uh... oh dear.
Heero: Trowa... omae o korosu.
Trowa: Well, uh, maybe if we built a large wooden dildo—
[twang][the trojan rabbit comes flying through the air]
All: Run away! Run away!
[splat][Patsy is smooshed.]
Heero: Pansy!
Dr. J: Patsy! [dies]
Guards (the doctors minus Dr. J): Mwa hahaha!
~Scene 9~
Duke Dermail: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Heero. The ferocity of the Doctor's taunting took him completely by surprise, and Heero became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Gundam were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Heero, having consulted his closest bishonen (and spending a night of passionate screwing), decided that they should separate, and search for the Gundam individually. Now, this is what they did— Wufei...
[clop clop]
[An unknown knight rides in and kills Duke Dermail]
Dorothy: Grandfather!
~Scene 10~
Narrator (TA): The Tale of Sir Duo.... So each of the bishonen went their separate ways. Sir Duo rode north, through the dark forest of AO39-B, accompanied by his favorite punk band.
Punk Band Leader (singing): Bravely bold Sir Duo, rode forth from L1. He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Duo. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Duo! He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Duo! His head smashed in and his heart cut out, And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged, And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off, And his penis...
Sir Duo: That's... that's, uh, that's enough music for now, you guys. Looks like there's dirty work afoot.
[They encounter a 3-headed knight, whose heads appear to be (in this order from the left) Heero, Wufei and Zechs]
All Heads: Halt! Who art thou?
Punk Band Leader (singing): He is brave Sir Duo, brave Sir Duo, who—
Sir Duo: Shut up! Um, I'm no one, really. Eh heh...
All Heads: What are you doing here?
Punk Band Leader (singing): To fight, and—
Duo: Shut the hell up! Nothing, ju-just pa-passing through... really.
All Heads: Well too bad!
Duo: Well, actually, I'm a bishonen! [shows off his impressive body]
All Heads: [drool] Really, a bishonen, eh?
Duo: Yes!
Heero (left head): In that case, I'll have to deepthroat you.
Duo: What?!?
Wufei (middle head): Shall I?
Zechs (right head): Oi, leave some for me!
Heero: He's mine!
Zechs: What about me?
Wufei: Injustice! You always get them first and then leave them too tired for the rest of us!
Heero: So? Do I care?
Wufei: Onna!
Heero: I most certainly am NOT a woman!
Zechs: Maybe we should just let him go.
Heero & Wufei: NO!
Zechs: Then why don't we just kill him.
Heero: ... That works.
Wufei: Fine then. Pull out the sword so we can chop his head off.
Zechs: You do it! You're in control of motor skills.
Wufei: Dammit! Why don't we just all do this at once!
[They pull out the sword]
Zechs: Okay, so after we kill him, we can go have some tea.
Heero: And biscuits.
Wufei: No biscuits.
Heero: Fine, no biscuits. Let's just kill him anyway.
All Heads: Right!
[Meanwhile, Duo and his band of punk rockers have sneaked off...]
Heero: He left.
Zechs: Too bad. He had a cute ass.
Wufei: This is all your fault, Yuy!
[They continue to bicker amongst themselves]
Punk Band Leader (singing): Brave Sir Duo ran away.
Sir Duo: No!
Punk Band Leader (singing): Bravely ran away away
Sir Duo: I didn't!
Punk Band Leader (singing): When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled,
Sir Duo: No!
Punk Band Leader (singing): Yes Brave Sir Duo turned about,
Sir Duo: I didn't!
Punk Band Leader (singing): And gallantly he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet,
Sir Duo: I never did!
Punk Band Leader (singing): He beat a very brave retreat,
Sir Duo: Oh, lie!
Punk Band Leader (singing): Bravest of the brave Sir Duo.
Sir Duo: I never!
~Scene 11~
[A small cut scene of cartoon monks running around, flailing their arms wildly.]
TA: The Tale of Sir Quatre... Heh heh.
[Thunder, lightning, rain and wind]
[Quatre sees a castle ahead and hears angels singing and he spots the Gundam]
[He knocks on the door][pound pound pound]
Sir Quatre: Open the door! Open the door!
[pound pound pound]
Sir Quatre: In the name of King Heero, open the door!
[squeak thump][The castle door is opened]
[Quatre falls into the building, his clothes sopping wet (and see through!) Inside the castle, there are a HUNDRED Trowa-look-alikes, each in a tight white nurse's outfit... and there's Duo and Heero somewhere in there, also in a tight white nurse's outfit]
Mink (Trowa in a tight white nurse's outfit): Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Boink.
Sir Quatre: Castle Boink?
Mink: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh! but we are nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!
Sir Quatre: Are you the keepers of the Holy Gundam?
Mink: The what?
Sir Quatre: The Gundam! Is it here?
Mink: You must have pneumonia! Bunny! Foxy!
Bunny and Foxy (Duo and Heero): Yes Mink?
Mink: Get our guest a room and nice comfy bed.
Bunny and Foxy: Yes! Oh thank you! [They leave to prepare a bed]
Mink: The beds here are warm and soft— and very, very big.
Sir Quatre: Uh... okay, but I really must—
Mink: What is your name, sexy sir knight?
Sir Quatre: Sir Quatre.... the Chaste.
Mink: Mine is Mink... just Mink. Oh, but cum— I mean, come!
Sir Quatre: Look please! In God's name, show me the Gundam!
Mink: Oh dear, you must be delirious! You need to get into bed right away!
Sir Quatre: But I've seen it! It's here!
Mink: Sir Quatre! You would not be so unkind as to refuse our hospitality!
Sir Quatre: Well, I...
Mink: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but a hundred young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life— bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to sexy bishonen. [Leading Quatre to the bedroom] Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
Sir Quatre: It's nothing, really! [Gets pushed onto the bed anyway]
Mink: You must have a doctor examine you! Foxy!
Foxy (Heero, wearing tight nurse's outfit): Yes?
Sir Quatre: He's a doctor?
Mink: Now you must lie down so we can help you. [He leaves mysteriously]
Foxy: Yes, let me help you. [Leans over Quatre, then suddenly leaps up and straddles him.]
Sir Quatre: Is this necessary?
Foxy: We must examine you.
Sir Quatre: Get off the bed! [Sits up] I am sworn to chasity!
Foxy: [Presses himself up against Quatre] Not for long... I mean, you must relax!
Sir Quatre: Stop torturing me! I want to see the Gundam!
Foxy: There is no Gundam here.
Sir Quatre: Ack! [Gets up and leaves the room, only to be surrounded by many half-naked Trowas] Bigger Ack!
Various Trowas: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
Sir Quatre: [One of the Trowas walk up to him] Mink!
Ding Dong: No, I'm Mink's identical twin sister, Ding Dong.
Sir Quatre: Uh... well then... [Tries to leave]
Ding Dong: [Steps in his path] Where are you going?
Sir Quatre: I seek the Gundam! I've seen it here in this castle!
Ding Dong: [gasps] Oh! Naughty Mink! Bad, bad Mink!
Sir Quatre: Huh? What is it?
Ding Dong: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Mink! ... He has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is gundam-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.
Quatre: So it's not the Gundam?
Ding Dong: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Mink! Oh, he is a naughty person, and he must pay the penalty— and here in Castle Boink, we have but one punishment for setting alight the gundam-shaped beacon. You must tie him down on a bed and spank him!
Sir Quatre: Isn't that a bit harsh?
Various Trowas: A spanking! A spanking!
Ding Dong: You must spank him well. And after you have spanked him, you may deal with him as you like. And then, spank me.
Various Trowas: And spank me. And me. And me.
Ding Dong: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking! And after you have done that, the oral sex!
Various Trowas: Ooh! The oral sex! Yes, you must!
Sir Quatre: Well.... I guess I could stay a BIT longer...
Sir Wufei: [Barges into the castle] Sir Quatre!
Sir Quatre: Oh, hello.
Sir Wufei: Quick!
Sir Quatre: What?
Sir Wufei: Quick! [Gestures for them to leave]
Sir Quatre: Why?
Sir Wufei: You're in great peril!
Mink: No he isn't...
Sir Wufei: Silence... [Looks him over, then gropes him really quickly before bringing out his sword] ...foul male-temptress!
Sir Quatre: Now look, it's not important.
Sir Wufei: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape!
Sir Quatre: Look, I'm fine!
Sir Wufei: Come on!
Sir Quatre: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
Ding Dong: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
Various Trowas: Yes! Tackle us single-handed!
Sir Wufei: No, Sir Quatre, come on!
Sir Quatre: No, really, honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily!
Ding Dong: Oh, yes, let him handle us easily.
Various Trowas: Yes, yes!
Sir Quatre: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty of them!
Ding Dong: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.
Various Trowas: Yes, yes.
[boom][The doors close]
Ding Dong: Oh, shit.
[outside]
Sir Wufei: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.
Sir Quatre: I don't think I was.
Sir Wufei: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.
Sir Quatre: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Sir Wufei: No, it's too perilous.
Sir Quatre: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can
Sir Wufei: No, we've got to find the Holy Gundam. Come on!
Sir Quatre: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?
Sir Wufei: No, it's unhealthy.
Sir Quatre: I bet you're straight!
Sir Wufei: No, I'm not.
TA: Sir Wufei had saved Sir Quatre from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Gundam. Meanwhile, King Heero and Sir Trowa, not more than a cat's leap away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen cat's leap, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden cat's leaps away -- four, really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the cats were crawling and dragging—
GWML: Get on with it!
TA: Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting (and screwing), in which Heero discovers a vital clue, in which there aren't any cats, although I think you can hear a starling -oolp! [The ML beats the living snot out of TA]
~Scene 12~
[In the middle of a brothel, King Heero is interrogating one of the man-whores.]
Man-Whore (Treize): Ooh, ah, yeah, uh!
Heero: [mid-thrust] And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Gundam?
Treize: Oh! Un!
Heero: [in-bound] Ooh... Where does he live? You man-whore, where does he live?
Treize: He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.
Heero: You mean he's a virgin? [eyes get all sparkly at the prospect of deflowering someone.]
Treize: No! I mean, a real cave, with bats and rats!
Heero: [out-bound] Ah. And the Gundam, is it there?
Treize: There is much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.
Heero: [mid-thrust] But the Gundam! Where is the Gundam!?
Treize: Nnng! Seek you the Bridge of Death.
Heero: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Gun— [He comes] daaaaaaaaaaaam!
Treize: Hee hee ha ha! [Comes, then mysteriously disappears]
Heero: That was odd. [Leaves the brothel]
[Outside]
Sir Trowa: Are you quite done, sir?
Heero: Yes, I got a good fuck.
Sir Trowa: I thought you were trying to get information about the Gundam.
Heero: Ah yes, that too. Saa, iku zo. [3]
~Scene 13~
[eerie music][Heero and Trowa are in the middle of spooky forest.]
Head Knight: Wu! Wu! Wu!
Heero: And who are you?
Head Knight Wufei (dressed up in black robes and walking on stilts): We are the Knights Who Say Wu!
[dramatic chord]
Sir Trowa: We? [Looks around and see no one else]
HK Wufei: Wu!
Heero: Oh! Oh dear.
Sir Trowa: Who is he, my liege?
Heero: He is the Knight Of Wu... Those who meet the Knights— er, Knight Of Wu seldom live to tell the tale...
HK Wufei: We demand... a sacrafice!
[dramatic chord]
Heero: What kind of sacrafice?
HK Wufei: We demand that you find someone to be our slave!
Heero: A what?
HK Wufei: Wu! Wu!
Heero & Sir Trowa: Ow! Ow!
HK Wufei: But only for the night. You may have him back in the morning.
Heero: This is absurd!
HK Wufei: Wu!
Heero & Sir Trowa: Ah!
HK Wufei: We shall say "wu" again if you do not appease us.
Heero: O knights— er, knight of Wu, you are just and fair. We shall find you a slave.
HK Wufei: One who is nice and tight.
Heero: Of course.
HK Wufei: And not too weak. He must be able to sustain multiple 'impalements'.
Heero: Impalements?
HK Wufei: Wu! Now... go!
Heero: Alright, alright! We'll go. Come, Sir Trowa! [They leave]
~Scene 14~
TA: The tale of Sir Wufei the Just, [whisper] and anal retentive..
Sir Wufei: Oi!
[Cut to a scene in a castle room.]
Duo (in a beard and large fur coat that makes him look fat): [in a Scotish accent] One day, all of this will be yours!
Relena: The mirror?
Duo: No! All this land will be yours! [gestures out towards the endless swamp] This'll be your kingdom, lad.
Relena: But mother—
Duo: Father, lad, father.
Relena: But father, I want something better than this dump!
Duo: Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. The king said I was daft to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. An' that's what your gonna get, lad— the strongest castle in these colonies.
Relena: But I don't want any of that... I'd rather—
Duo: Rather what?!
Relena: I'd rather... just... [music] ...sing!
Duo: Nope, nope, stop that! You're not gonna sing while I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in L2.
Relena: But I'm a girl!
Duo: Listen Bob—
Relena: Relena.
Duo: Relena. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.
Relena: But she has forked eyebrows!
Duo: So what? The rest of her is beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.
Relena: I know, but I want the person that I marry to have... a certain... special... [music] ...penis...
Duo: Cut that out, cut that out. Now look here, you've got to marry that princess. You've grown to be a fine lad—
Relena: Woman.
Duo: —lass, and you need someone to spend your life with.
Relena: But she's—
Duo: Look, you're marryin' Princess Hoowah, so you'd better get used to the idea. [slaps Relena on the back][smack] Guards! Make sure the Prince—
Relena: Princess!
Duo: —Princess doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'er.
Guard 1 (Otto): Not to leave the room even if you come and get her.
Guard 2 (Trowa): [hiccuping] Hic!
Duo: No, no. Until I come and get 'er.
Otto: Until you come and get her, we're not to enter the room.
Duo: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure she doesn't leave.
Otto: And you'll come and get her.
Trowa: Hic!
Duo: Right.
Otto: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop her entering the room.
Duo: No, no. Leaving the room.
Otto: Leaving the room, yes.
Duo: All right?
Otto: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
Duo: Yes, what is it?
Otto: Oh, if-if, oh--
Duo: Look, it's quite simple.
Otto: Uh...
Duo: You just stay here, and make sure she doesn't leave the room. All right?
Trowa: Hic!
Duo: Right.
Otto: Oh, I remember. Uh, can she leave the room with us?
Duo: N- No no no. You just keep her in here, and make sure—
Otto: Oh, yes, we'll keep her in here, obviously. But if she had to leave and we were with her—
Duo: No, no, just keep her in here—
Otto: Until you, or anyone else,—
Duo: No, not anyone else, just me—
Otto: Just you.
Trowa: Hic!
Duo: Get back.
Otto: Get back.
Duo: Right?
Otto: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
Duo: And, uh, make sure she doesn't leave.
Otto: What?
Duo: Make sure she doesn't leave.
Otto: The Princess?
Duo: Yes, make sure she doesn't leave.
Otto: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. [gestures to Trowa] Y'know, it seemed a bit daft, tellin' me to guard a she when he's a he.
Duo: Is that clear?
Trowa: Hic!
Otto: Oh, quite clear, no problems.
Duo: Right. [starts to leave, and guards follow] Where are you going?
Otto: We're coming with you.
Duo: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure she doesn't leave.
Otto: Oh, I see. Right.
Relena: But, Father!
Duo: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! [music] And no singing!
Trowa: Hic!
Duo: Oh, go get a glass of water.
[As the guards look on smiling, Relena grabs a bow and arrow, and shoots a note out the window.]
~Scene 15~
[Near a river, Sir Wufei is hopping across the river on stones, while his trusty servant Treize follows him.]
Treize: [Leaps]
Sir Wufei: Well taken, Treize!
Treize: Thank you sir, most kind.
Sir Wufei: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one...Ooof! Come on, Treize!
[They reach the other side.]
[thwonk][An arrow hits Treize square in the chest]
Treize: Message for you, sir.
[fwump][He falls down on the ground.]
Sir Wufei: Treize! Treize, speak to me! [Sir Wufei reads the note] "To whoever finds this note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Gundam! ...Brave, brave Treize! You shall not have died in vain!
Treize: Actually sir, I'm not quite dead.
Sir Wufei: Oh. Well then, you wouldn't have been mortally wounded in vain!
Treize: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.
Sir Wufei: Oh, I see.
Treize: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you--
Sir Wufei: No, no, sweet Treize! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... [sigh]
Treize: Idiom, sir?
Sir Wufei: Idiom!
Treize: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
Sir Wufei: Farewell, sweet Treize!
Treize: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah.
~Scene 16~
[Sir Wufei is charging up to the castle]
Sir Wufei: Ha-ha! Hoo-hah! Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera!
[Carnage and mayhem]
Guard #1 (Nikol): Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're— [gets stabbed] —ugh!
[Sir Wufei charges through the castle, killing and maiming as he goes.]
[More carnage and mayhem]
Sir Wufei: Hoo wah! Ahhh! There is no justice!
[Even more carnage and mayhem]
[Sir Wufei runs up to the tower, slicing the air as he goes]
Sir Wufei: O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Wufei of L1. I have come to take— [notices that it's woman] ... oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Relena: So you got my note!
Sir Wufei: Well, I got *A* note...
Relena: You've come to rescue me!
Sir Wufei: Uh... well... you see...
Relena: I knew someone... [music] someone out there...
Duo: Stop that, stop that, stop it! Stop it! Who are you?
Relena: I'm your daughter!
Duo: No, not you! Him!
Sir Wufei: I'm Sir Wufei, sir.
Relena: He's come to rescue me, father.
Sir Wufei: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
Duo: Did you kill all the guards?
Sir Wufei: Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry 'bout that.
Duo: They're fifty bucks each!
Sir Wufei: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm— I really can explain everything.
Relena: [Tying a rope to the bed post and throwing it out the window] Don't be afraid of him, Sir Wufei, I've got a rope all ready!
Duo: You killed eight wedding guests in all!
Sir Wufei: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your daughter was a boy.
Duo: I can understand that.
Relena: [Climbing down the rope] Hurry, Sir Wufei! Hurry!
Duo: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
Sir Wufei: Well, I really didn't mean to...
Duo: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!
Sir Wufei: Oh, dear. Is he all right?
Duo: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune!
Sir Wufei: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from L1, when I got this note, you see—
Duo: L1? You're from L1?
Relena: [Hanging onto the rope from outside the window, her head peeking up] Hurry, Sir Wufei!
Sir Wufei: Uh, yes, I am a Bishonen of King Heero, sir.
Duo: Pretty nice castle, L1. Uh, pretty good bishonen colony....
Sir Wufei: Is it?
Relena: [still waiting for Sir Wufei] Hurry, I'm ready!
Duo: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
Sir Wufei: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you.
Relena: I am ready!
[The guys start to leave] [Father unties rope] [thonk]
Relena: Oooh! [splat]
Sir Wufei: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away.
Duo: Oh, don't worry about that.
Relena: Oooh! [splat]
~Scene 17~
[Downstairs in the castle hall]
[wailing]
Duo: Well, this is the main hall of the castle. I'm planning to tear out the main wall and—
Random Shmo: There he is!
Duo: Oh, bloody hell.
Sir Wufei: Ha ha! Etcetera, etcetera!
[guards come to attack Sir Wufei, he fights back, more carnage and mayhem]
Duo: Hold it! Stop you fools!
Sir Wufei: Sorry, sorry. Oh, the injustice of it all... it's just that... I'm sorry everyone.
Another Randam Shmo: He's killed the best man!
[yelling and booing]
Duo: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Sir Wufei from the court of L1— a very brave and influential bishonen, and my special guest here today.
Sir Wufei: Nihao. (Chinese for Hello, if you don't know)
Yet Another Randam Shmo: He killed my auntie!
[more yelling and booing]
Duo: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! ... Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of holy matrimony. Unfortunately, one of them, my daughter Relena, has just fallen to her death. But I don't want to think I've lost a daughter, so much as... gained another daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father—
Random guy: He's not quite dead!
Duo: Since the near fatal wounding of her father—
Random guy: He's getting better!
Duo: For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him—
[Guards kill the father]
[ugh]
Random guy: Oh god, he's died!
Duo: And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own dad— in a very real, and legally binding sense. [clapping] And I feel sure that the merger— uh, the union— between the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Wufei of L1—
Sir Wufei: Injustice!
Random guy: Look! The dead princess! [Relena and Treize walk in]
Treize: He's not quite dead.
Relena: Oh, I feel much better.
Duo: You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!
Relena: No, I was saved at the last minute.
Duo: How?!
Relena: Well, I'll tell ya... [music]
Duo: Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it!
Random Singers: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
Duo: Shut up! All of you!
Random Singers: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
Treize: Quickly, sir, this way! [points towards the front door]
Sir Wufei: No, it's not right for my idiom. I must escape more..........[sigh]
Treize: Dramatically sir?
Sir Wufei: Dramatically!!!! [grabs the chandelier and swings]
[crash] [Sir Wufei hovers on chandelier]
Sir Wufei: Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...?
~Scene 18~
[King Heero and Sir Trowa ride into an old town and stop in front of an old lady's shop.][clop clop]
Heero: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a slave!
[dramatic chord]
Crone (Lady Une): Who sent you?
Heero: The knights— er, the knight who says Wu.
Une: Agh! No! Never! We have no slaves here.
Heero: If you do not tell us where we can buy a slave, my friend and I will say... we will say... `Wu!'.
Une: Ack! Do your worst!
Heero: Very well! If you will not help us voluntarily,... Wu!
Une: No! Never! No slaves!
Heero: Wu!
Sir Trowa: Wi!
Heero: No, baka, it's Wu!
Sir Trowa: Wo!
Heero: You're not doing it properly. Wu!
Sir Trowa: Wi! Wu!
Heero: There you go.
Heero & Sir Trowa: Wu!
Roger (Duo): Are you saying Wu to that old woman? [4]
Une: I'm not old!
Roger: Whatever. Are you saying it?
Heero: Um... yes.
Roger: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say `wu' at will to old ladies.
Une: I'm not old!
Roger: ...There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who train and design slaves are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.
Heero: Did you say slaves?
Roger: Yes, slaves are my trade— I am a slaver. My name is Roger the Slaver. I train, design, and sell slaves.
Sir Trowa: Wu!
Heero: No! No, no, no!
~Scene 19~
[Back in the spooky forest]
Heero: Knight of Wu, we have brought you your slave. May we go now?
Head Knight Wufei: He is a good slave. I like the lower body particularly. But there is one small problem.
Heero: What is that?
HK Wufei: We are, no longer, the Knights Who Say Wu. We are now the Knights who say Icky-icky-icky-icky putang zut-boing zowzum ne!
Slave (Quatre, dressed up in black robes and on stilts): Wu!
HK Wufei: Therefore, we must give you a test!
Heero: What is this test O Knights of— Knights Who Until Recently Said Wu?
HK Wufei: You must find us.... another slave!
Heero: Not another slave!
HK Wufei: When you have found the other slave, put him beside this one, so then we can all have a three way without having to fall over.
Slave Quatre: A three way! A three way!
HK Wufei: Then, when you have found the slave, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring! [5]
[dramatic chord]
Heero: No way! We shall do no such thing!
HK Wufei: Oh, please?
Heero: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
HK Wufei: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! Don't say that word!
Heero: What word?
HK Wufei: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Wu cannot hear.
Heero: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
HK Wufei and Slave Quatre: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
Heero: What, 'is'?
HK Wufei: No, not `is' — we couldn't get vary far in life not saying `is'.
Sir Trowa: My liege, it's Sir Duo!
[Duo and his punk rock band come through the other way]
Punk Band Leader: [singing] Packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering off
And chickening out and pissing off home
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge—
Heero: Duo!
Sir Duo: My love—
TA: [hops in, bashes Duo over the head with a squeaky toy mallet, then hops out] Baka!
Sir Duo: Er, I mean, my liege! It's good to see you!
HK Wufei & Slave Quatre: Aaaaaaugh!
HK Wufei: He said the word!
Heero: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Gundam?
Punk Band Leader: [singing] He is sneaking away and buggering off—
Sir Duo: Shut up! No, no no— far from it.
HK Wufei: He said the word again!
Sir Duo: I was looking for it.
HK Wufei & Slave Quatre: Aaaaugh!
Sir Duo: Uh, here, here in this forest.
Heero: No, it is far from—
Wu Knights: Aaaaugh!
HK Wufei: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word!
Heero: Oh, stop it!
Wu Knights: Aaaaugh!
HK Wufei: Oh! He said it again!
Heero: Pansy!
Dr. J: [pops into the scene] Patsy! And I'm already dead, you nitwit! [pops back out of the scene]
HK Wufei: Wait! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it again!
Wu Knights: Aaaaugh!
[Narrative Interlude]
TA: And so Heero and Sir Trowa and Sir Duo set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24. Beyond the forest they met Sir Wufei and Sir Quatre, and there was much rejoicing. (And spanking.)
GWML: Yay.
TA: In the frozen colony of L4 they were forced to eat Duo's punk band. And there was much rejoicing.
Knights: Yay.
TA: A year passed. Winter changed into Spring. Spring changed into Summer. Summer changed back into Winter because of the screwy weather system in L2 colony. And Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn just for the hell of it. Until one day...
~Scene 20~
Heero: Knights! Forward!
[boom boom boom boom BOOM boom boom boom boom]
[various pyrotechnics][various parts of the mountain are randomly bursting into flames][they see an woman dressed in robes and rags and wearing a very odd helmet with curly buffalo horns]
Heero: What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without gunpowder or C-4?
Dorothy: I... am an enchanter.
Heero: By what name are you known?
Dorothy: There are some who call me... Tim?
Heero: Greetings, Tim the Enchanter.
Dorothy: Greetings, King Heero.
Heero: You know my name?
Dorothy: I do. [she throws a fireball][whoosh] You seek the Holy Gundam!
Heero: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim.
Dorothy: Of course.
[she throws another fireball][pweeng boom]
[applause]
Heero: Yes, we're, we're looking for the Holy Gundam. Our quest is to find the Holy Gundam.
Knights: Yeah, It is, yes, yup, yup, yeah hmm.
Heero: And so we're, we're, we're, we're looking for it.
Knights: Yes we are we are.
Sir Trowa: We have been for some time.
Sir Duo: Ages.
Heero: Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help, would be... very... helpful...
Sir Quatre: Look, can you tell us wh— [Dorothy, er, Tim throws a fireball in front of them][boom]
Heero: Fine, um, I don't want to waste anymore of your time, but, uh I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um, find a, uh, a, um, a uh—
Dorothy: A what...?
Heero: A g--, a g--
Dorothy: A Gundam?!
Heero: Yes, I think so.
Knights: Yes, that's it. Yes.
Dorothy: Yes!
Knights: Oh, thank you, splendid, fine.
[Dorothy throws more fireballs randomly][boom pweeng boom boom]
Heero: Look, you're a busy man, uh—
Dorothy: I'm a woman. And yes, I can help you find the Holy Gundam. Then maybe we can shag later. [6]
Knights: Oh, thank you.
Dorothy: To the north there lies a cave— the cave of B126-2 —wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Howard of the Pacific [she throws a fireball][boom] make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Gundam.
Heero: Where could we find this cave, O Tim?
Dorothy: Follow! But! follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of four fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth!
Heero: What an eccentric performance.
~Scene 21~
[The bishonen knights "ride", following Tim, their servants clopping coconuts for them][clop clop whinny]
Sir Quatre: The horses are nervous, sire.
Heero: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount!
[They make the moves of getting off a horse, even though there are no horses in a ten mile radius.][They see a cave.]
Dorothy: Behold the cave of B122-6!
Heero: I thought you said B126-2?
Dorothy: Whatever. There's the cave!
Heero: Right! Keep me covered.
Sir Quatre: With what?
Heero: Just keep me covered.
Dorothy: Too late!
[chord]
Heero: What?
Dorothy: There he is!
Heero: Where?
Dorothy: There! [points to a rabbit in front of the cave]
Heero: What, behind the rabbit?
Dorothy: It is the rabbit!
Heero: You silly sod! You got us all worked up!
Dorothy: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.
Sir Duo: You tit! I came in my pants I was so hard— I mean, scared!
Dorothy: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer!
Sir Quatre: Fuck off!
Dorothy: [Tackles Sir Quatre, and they proceed to make rampant whoopie] It'll do you up a treat, mate!
Sir Quatre: Oh yeah?? Oooh...
Sir Duo: You mangy whore!
Dorothy: I'm warning you!
Sir Duo: What's he do, nibble your ass?
Dorothy: He's got huge, sharp— he can leap about— look at the bones! [She then proceeds to grab Sir Duo and drags him into the orgy between her and Sir Quatre]
Heero: [ignoring the procreators] Go on, Quinze. Chop his head off!
Quinze: [randomly appears on the scene] Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
Dorothy: [wiping her mouth] Look!
[squeak] [The rabbit tears Quinze apart into itty bitty pieces.]
Quinze: Aaaugh!
[chord]
Heero: Jesus Christ!
Dorothy: I warned you!
Sir Duo: I came again!
Dorothy: I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same, I always—
Heero: Oh, shut up!
Dorothy: —But do they listen to me?—
Heero: Right! Knights!
[Sir Duo and Sir Quatre quickly pull up their pants]
Dorothy: Oh dear.
Knights: Charge!
[squeak squeak] [The rabbit rampages]
Knights: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! etc.
[squeak squeak]
Knights: Run away! Run away!
Dorothy: Haw haw haw. Haw haw haw. Haw haw.
Heero: Right. How many did we lose?
Sir Wufei: Otto...
Sir Quatre: Nikol...
Heero: And Quinze. That's five.
Sir Quatre: Three, sir.
Heero: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault, that rabbit's dynamite.
Sir Duo: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
Heero: Oh, shut up and go and change your armor. Wait. [gives Duo a quick blowjob, then Duo leaves to change]
Sir Quatre: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.
Heero: Like what?
Sir Quatre: Well...
Sir Wufei: Have we got guns?
Heero: No.
Sir Wufei: We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
Heero: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of OZ! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maxwell carries with him! Brother Maxwell! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
[random singing]
Heero: How does it, uh... how does it work?
Sir Wufei: I know not my liege.
Heero: Consult the book of armaments.
Brother Maxwell (Duo, dressed in monk's robes): Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.
Random Brother (Wufei, also dressed in monk's robes): "And Saint Nataku raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large—"
Maxwell: Skip a bit, Brother.
Brother Chang: "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of OZ towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'"
Maxwell: Amen.
All: Amen.
Heero: Right! One... two... five!
Sir Quatre: Three sir.
Heero: Three!
[boom]
~Scene 22~
[The bishonen are walking into the cave...]
Heero: There!! Look!!
Sir Wufei: What does it say?
Sir Quatre: What language is that?
Heero: Brother Maxwell, you're our scholar!
Maxwell: It's Sanq!
Sir Quatre: Of course! Pargan of Sanq!
Sir Wufei: Course!
Heero: What does it say?
Maxwell: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Pargan of Sanq. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Gundam in the Castle of uuggggggh'.
Heero: What?
Maxwell: '... the Castle of uuggggggh'.
Sir Trowa: What is that?
Maxwell: He must have died while carving it.
Sir Wufei: Oh, come on!
Maxwell: Well, that's what it says.
Heero: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaggggh'. He'd just say it!
Maxwell: Well, that's what's carved in the rock!
Sir Quatre: Perhaps he was dictating.
Heero: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?
Maxwell: No. Just, 'uuggggggh'.
Sir Wufei: Aauuggghhh.
Heero: Aaauuuuuugggghhhhhh
Sir Trowa: You don't suppose he meant the Camauuuugh?
Sir Quatre: Where's that?
Sir Trowa: France, I think.
Sir Wufei: Isn't there a Saint Aauuuves in Cornwall?
Heero: No, that's Saint Ives.
Sir Wufei: Oh, yes. Saint Iiiives.
All: Iiiiives.
Sir Trowa: Oooohoohohooo!
Sir Wufei: No, no, aauuuuugh, at the back of the throat. Aauuugh.
Sir Trowa: No, no, no, oooooooh, in surprise and alarm.
Sir Wufei: Oh, you mean sort of a aaaagh!
Sir Trowa: Yes, but I— Aaaaagh!
Heero: Ooooh!!
Sir Quatre: My God!!
[roar]
Maxwell: It's the legendary Horny Beast of aaauuugh!
[Brother Maxwell gets taken]
Heero: Run away!
All: Run away! Run away!
[roar]
TA: As the horrendous Horny Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless. When, suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack. [animator dies][ulk] The cartoon peril was no more. The Quest for Holy Gundam could continue.
~Scene 23~
[The Bishonen Knights walk towards a bridge over a scary looking gorge, where sounds of eternal peril are being echoed.]
Heero: There it is! The Bridge of Death!
Sir Duo: Oh, great.
Heero: Look!! There's the old man from Scene 24!
Old man from scene 24: WOMAN!
Sir Trowa: What is he doing here?
Heero: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions—
Sir Quatre: Three questions.
Heero: —Three questions, He who answers the five questions—
Sir Quatre: Three questions—
Heero: —Three questions may cross in safety.
Sir Duo: What if you answer incorrectly?
Heero: Then you have to shag the old man.
Old man from scene 24: WOMAN!
All: [shudder]
Sir Duo: Well, I'm not going.
Punk Band Leader: [off screen] Sir Duo ran away—
Sir Duo: Shut up! You're supposed to be dead!
Sir Quatre: Who's going to answer the questions?
Heero: Brave Sir Duo, you go.
Sir Duo: Heeeeeeeeeeeeell no! Here's an idea: Why doesn't Sir Wuffie go?
Sir Wufei: Wu-FEI!
Heero: Yes, Sir Wufei shall go.
Sir Wufei: I refuse to fight such a weak opponent.
Heero: Just answer his five questions—
Sir Quatre: Three questions!
Heero: Three questions as best you can. And we shall watch... and pray.
Sir Wufei: Alright.
Old Woman-Man: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
Sir Wufei: Ask me the questions, old man. I'm not afraid.
Old Woman-Man: I'm a woman. Now, what is your name?
Sir Wufei: Sir Wufei of L1.
Old Woman-Man: What is your quest?
Sir Wufei: To seek the Holy Gundam.
Old Woman-Man: What... is your favorite position to fuck?
Sir Wufei: Uke, of course.
Old Woman-Man: Well then, off you go.
Sir Wufei: [startled] Well, okay. Thanks. [he goes]
Sir Duo: That's easy! [walks to the bridge]
Old Woman-Man: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
Sir Duo: Ask me the questions, old man. I'm not afraid.
Old Woman-Man: Goddammit, I'm a woman. Now, what is your name?
Sir Duo: Sir Duo of L1.
Old Woman-Man: What is your quest?
Sir Duo: To seek the Holy Gundam.
Old Woman-Man: What... is the capital of Assyria?
Sir Duo: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! [the old woman-man, who is revealed to be Noin, grabs Duo's willy and attempts to shag with him.
Noin: Feel this, the gorge of eternal pleasure— I mean, peril!
Sir Duo: Ooooooooooooh! Wow wee! So tight!!
Other Knights: [tilt head] Didn't know that position was possible.
Sir Quatre: Hey! We should cross the bridge now while she's occupied!
[the knights make a break for the bridge]
Noin: STOP! [the knights stop] What is your name?
Sir Quatre: Sir Quatre of L1.
Noin: What is your quest?
Sir Quatre: To seek the Holy Gundam.
Noin: What is your favorite position to fuck?
Sir Quatre: Uke... wait no— AHHHH! [Noin pulls his willy towards her ass and Quatre conceeds]
Sir Trowa and Heero: [tilt head] Wow...
Heero: [walks towards the bridge]
Noin: Stop! What is your name?
Heero: [looks at the mass of writhing bodies, wonders why Noin isn't phased] I'm... uh... Heero, king of the Outer Space.
Noin: What is your quest?
Heero: To seek the Holy Gundam.
Noin: What... is the probability of a successful synthesis of a coconut in a test tube?
Heero: What do you mean? A rubber one or a live one?
Noin: I don't know— Auuuuuuuugh! [suddenly starts to feel the sex... she didn't even notice it before...] Oooh... That actually feels good...
Sir Trowa: [looks over at the orgy, and decides to ignore it] Um, my liege, how do know so much about coconuts?
Heero: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king you know.
~Scene 24~
[A foggy plain]
Heero: Sir Wufei! Sir Wufei! Sir Wufei!
Sir Trowa: Sir Wufei! Sir Wufei! Sir Wufei!
Heero: Sir Wufei! Sir Wufei! Sir Wufei!
Sir Trowa: Sir Wufei! Sir Wufei! Sir Wufei!
[They fail to find him, for he disappears into the mist. They walk on, and suddenly the fog clears and they see a castle, and angels sing.]
Heero: It's the Castle of uuggggggh! Our quest is at an end! God be praised! [kneels down] Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy—
[twong] [a sheep is thrown over the walls] [baaaa]
Heero: Jesus Christ!
Dr. G: 'Allo, daffy bishonen kniggets and Monsieur Heero-King, who has the brain of a duck, you know! So, we Doctor fellows out-wit you a second time!
Heero: How dare you profane this place with your presence!? I command you, in the name of the Bishonen Knights of L1, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us!
GOD: [peeks through the clouds] HER-self!
Dr. G: How you bishonen say, I one more time-ah unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us Doctor folk with your silly knees-bent running about in dancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, ... you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey bottom biters.
Heero: Goddammit, let us in! We demand entrance to this sacred castle!
Dr. G: No chance, bishonen bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
Heero: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!
[splat][cow dung falls on their heads]
Heero: In the name of God and the glory of our—
[splat][more dung]
Heero: Right! That settles it!
Dr. G: Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha!
Heero: [walking away] Walk away. Just ignore them.
Sir Trowa: .... .... .... [follow Heero]
Dr. G: And now remain gone illegitimate faced buggerfolk! And, if you think you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Daffy bishonen kniggets! [rasberry] Thpppt!
Heero: Omae o korosu! Prepare for attack.
Sir Trowa: Right.
Heero: Stand by for attack!
[Troops come out of nowhere]
Heero: Doctor persons! Today the blood of many a valiant bishonen shall be avenged. In the name of God we shall not stop our fight until each one of you lies dead, and the Holy Gundam returns to those whom God has chosen. Charge!!!!
Random Troops: Charge!!!!!!!!!
[galaxy police arrive]
Dorothy: I'm sure they're the ones who killed my grandfather!
Detective Kiyone: Come on. Anybody armed must go too.
Random Officer #1: All right. Come on. Back. [motioning for everyone to drop their weapons and to back away from them with their hands up]
Random Officer #2: Everyone with weapons, come along also.
[everyone gets arrested]
[crash][things get broken]
Cameraman: Christ!
Yes, that is the real ending of the movie. Jeez, I feel bad for putting Trowa through all that... Anyway, send comments to topace12@hotmail.com
Thanks to everyone for anything that I "borrowed" without knowing it...
My fanfics page!