Well, I said I'd do it, and so here I go... This fic will be done in the fashion of my previous parody fic, Search for the Holy Grail (which is in script form). This is a parody of Robin Hood: Men In Tights, which is a parody of Robin Hood: Prince of Theives, and other various Robin Hood cmovies. Soooooo... Let's have fun!
WARNINGS: Sillyness, Hints of Yaoi & Yuri, OOC, etc. Read at your own risk! No llamas were hurt in the production of this fic.
Oh yeah, and all characters belong to their original owners, blah blah blah, disclaimers and that kind of crap apply, yada, yada... I don't own the movie, I had to rent it, and Cary Elwes is drop dead gorgeous.
~Scene 1~
[The scene is of archers shooting burning arrows into various houses, which create the names of the actors and whatnot.]
Random Villager #1: [On fire] AHHHHHH! [Runs around like a duck with its head chopped off]
Random Villager #2: Why do they have to burn down our village everytime they make a Robin Hood movie?
RV #3: But this is a fanfic.
RV #2: Then why don't they do something else?
[Suddenly, a gundam lands in the middle of the village, crushing several fruit stands. It sprays the area with water, dousing everyone in sight, including the archers, and shoots firecrackers into the sky, which make a message. The message is...]
Firecrackers: [In the sky] Directed and Written by Top Ace.
Villagers: Leave us alone, Top Ace!
~Scene 2~
[In a nice little clearing in the woods, five rappers are on the scene.]
Otto: Well you all know the tale of Wufei Hood
The man who did all he could
To save the good men of this here land
And of course, to save our little band.
Rappers: Ladi-da da.
King Howard was off in the Crusades
So no one here came to the aid
When Prince Treize took the throne
And made it all his own.
Rappers: Ladi-da da.
Only one man could stop him and his gang
And that was the man, Wufei of Chang!
~Scene 3~
[Some prison somewhere in the Netherlands. Wufei is being pushed into a prison, where a nice young man with a rather bushy beard is escorting him to be chained up with another old geezer.]
Old Geezer (Pargan): So, what are you in for?
Wufei: Just being me.
Pargan: Ah. And did you happen to run around screaming 'justice'?
Wufei: [raises an eyebrow] Uh... yes.
Pargan: Well then. Now, help me push. [points to the bar attached to the wall that runs through their chains.]
Wufei: Okay, sure.
[They push; the bar gives]
Wufei: Hur—
Pargan: Shh! [pulls the bar back in]
Guard (Nikol): Hey! What was that?
Pargan: Uh... it was just the sound of this poor man's heart breaking.
Wufei: I... uh... yeah, my poor heart! [makes a sad face]
Guard: [raises an eyebrow]
Pargan: Yes, and he's decided to confess all!
Wufei: I have? [Pargan elbows him] Ooh! Ah, oh yes, I have! [cheesy grin]
Guard: Really? Oh! This is great!
Pargan: Now go!
Guard: [walking away, stops] My superiors love good news! This is super!
Pargan: [exasperated] Yes... go...
Guard: [walking farther, stops again] I might get a bonus, or better yet, a promotion!
Pargan: [pleading voice] Please go.
Guard: Yes! [exits]
Wufei: Whew... [starts to push the bar out]
Guard: [pops back in] But, if I am wrong... bad things may happen... [leaves]
Pargan: Took that bastard long enough. [pushes the bar out and undoes their chains] You get this side, I'll get that side!
[They unleash everyone and they make a break for it through the window]
Prisoners: Hurrah!
[Pargan and Wufei shake hands]
Guard: [rushes back in] And, and he's willing to talk and... [looks around at the empty prison] and I'm in deep shit.
~Scene 4~
[Wufei and Pargan on a beach. Three llamas with jockeys on them run by.]
Pargan: My son is in the Sanq Kingdom, where you live. Ahduo. [He gives Wufei a picture]
Wufei: I didn't know you could speak French.
Pargan: No, not adieu. Ahduo. He is my son. He is an exchange student. He is head strong, cock sure. Or is it the other way around... Uh, anyway, you know what I mean. I want you to steer him towards the right path.
Wufei: You can count on me, Pargan. I promise, [regal music plays] by Nataku and all that is holy, I swear the I will protect him. I swear on the very grave on which—
Pargan: [music cuts out] Yes, yes. But now you must go, while the tide is still with you!
Wufei: Ah yes. Thank you! Good bye! [He swims away]
Pargan: [waves goodbye] He'll never make it.
~Scene 5~
[A map is shown, and a dotted line trails the map. That is Wufei. He swims all over the map, through land and water, all the way to the Sanc Kingdom, which was right above his previous location. Then the scene is on another beach, even though it looks the same as the last beach. Wufei drags himself out and kisses the dirt.]
Wufei: Pleah! [spits out the sand]
~Scene 6~
[A horse's ass is seen. It has a banner saying "Rent-a-Wreck". Wufei rides to a group of guards beating up on a young man with a rather long braid.]
Guards: Take this! [punch]
Young Man: Ouch!
Wufei: [Looks at the kid, looks at the picture.] That must be Ahduo. Ahduo!!
Guards: What is a Frenchman doing here?
Ahduo: No fools, that's my name! [breaks away from some of the guards]
Wufei: [gets off the horse] Well, I'm Wufei of Chang, and your father, Pargan, told me to find you.
Ahduo: Oh. The old man got out of prison, huh?
Guards: Ahem. We were in the middle of something.
Ahduo: Oh. [goes into cheesy fighting stance]
Wufei: Need a little help?
Ahduo: Yes, if you please.
Wufei: Right. [also goes into cheesy fighting stance]
Ahduo & Wufei: WOOO.... WAAAAH.... HEEE.... YAH!
[They beat the snot out of the guards, using cheap martial arts.]
Random Guard: You haven't seen the last of us!
Wufei: [pulls out a batch of arrows, that are conveniently strung together so that they don't fall apart when he's trying to shoot them all at once. He shoots the five arrows and they all hit a place in the guard's armor that stick him to a tree.]
Random Guard: Eh heh... You've seen the last of us.
~Scene 7~
[Wufei and Ahduo ride towards the camera on the horse. Duo is holding on a bit too tightly and snuggling in a bit too close.]
Wufei: I say, do you mind letting go a bit.
Ahduo: Oh, but... [pouts]
Wufei: Ah, alright.
[Ahduo snuggles closer, drawing circles on Wufei's chest. Wufei looks nervous, for he is... well... harder.]
[They come upon a castle, Chang Hall, which is being hauled away.]
Repo-man (General Septum): Keep it going!
Wufei: HEY! [He jumps off the horse] Stop!
Repo-man: Stop! [The hall stops]
Wufei: Why are you taking away my castle?
Repo-man: Read it an weep. [shows him a repo bill]
Wufei: "Because of failure to pay taxes to King Trieze, Chang Hall is hereby repossessed, H&R Blockhead." What is meaning of this!?
Repo-man: It means, we take your house. KEEP IT MOVIN'! [They take the castle away]
Wufei: Great...
Ahduo: Hey, I'm gonna go get the horse... it's acting funny. [pan over to the horse, who is rolling over with laughter]
Wufei: Shut up. [to Ahduo] Yes, go get the horse.
[Wufei walks into the foundation of Chang Hall, where Trowa is sitting]
Trowa: [wearing specs that blind people wear, holding a playboy magazine for the blind, reveals foldout and fondles it]
Wufei: Trowa?!
Trowa: Master Wufei, is it really you? Back from the Crusades?
Wufei: Yes!
Trowa: And alive?
Wufei: ... Yes.
Trowa: [leaves that room, attempts to open a non-existent door, rushes out and hits a statue] Oh! Master Wufei... [fondles statue] Oh my god! You've lost your arms in battle! [fondles some more] But you grew some nice boobs...
Wufei: Trowa... I'm over here.
Trowa: [looks up, looks around and walks into Wufei] Master! [fondles him]
Wufei: Stop that! Ooh... No, wait, this isn't the time for that! [bats his hand away]
Trowa: Aww.
Wufei: What's happened? Where's everyone?
Trowa: Taken by the plague.
Wufei: All of them?
Trowa: Well, except for your llama and dog.
Wufei: Then where is Shaggy, my llama?
Trowa: Eaten by the dog.
Wufei: And my dog Fluffy?
Trowa: Choked on the llama.
Wufei: [shocked]
Trowa: It's good to be home, isn't it? [pats him on the back, sneaks another grope]
Wufei: Well then. Come on Trowa. We have much to do... and less time to do it in.
Ahduo: [returns with the horse] Hey Wufei, here's the horse.
Wufei: Well done. Trowa, this is Ahduo.
Trowa: I didn't know you could speak French.
Ahduo: That's my name, fool.
Wufei: And this is Trowa, my faithful semi-blind servant.
Trowa: How do you do? [raises his hand to shake Ahduo's, but gropes his groin instead]
Ahduo: Ooh... I'm doing quite well now, if you would just rub a little harder...
Wufei: [nosebleed] Not now!
~Scene 8~
[Wufei, Ahduo and Trowa ride on the horse, they see a kid run out of the woods screaming]
Mariemaia: AHHHHHHHH! HELP ME!
Wufei: [gets off the horse] Hm?
Mariemaia: They're after me sir!
Wufei: Who's after you?
[Suddenly, the sound of galloping horses and kazoos answer their question, for a man with a strange mask flanked by two guards on either side ride up to them]
Man with strange mask: Over boy that hand!
Mariemaia: Girl!
Wufei: ....what?
Man with strange mask: [cough] I mean, hand that boy over.
Wufei: And what crime has he done?
Mariemaia: SHE!
Man with strange mask: He has killed one of the deer in the king's forest. It's punishable by death.
Wufei: And who orders it?
Man with strange mask: Why, King Treize, of course. Where have you been?
Wufei: Fighting in the crusades with King Howard. My father didn't get me into the royal guard.
Man with strange mask: [sputters angrily]
Wufei: And who might you be?
Man with strange mask: I am the Sheriff of Merquise. And who are you?
Wufei: Wufei of Chang. [takes off his hat and flourishes]
Merquise: Erg. Well, give me the boy.
Mariemaia: Girl.
Wufei: You can't have the boy.
Mariemaia: Gir— Oh, never mind.
Merquise: Then I will take him by force! [Attempts to pull out his sword, only manages to break off the hilt]
Others: [chuckle][snigger]
Wufei: Very nice. [pulls out his sword and cuts one of the saddle restraints, which makes the saddle flip over, taking Merquise with it]
Merquise: [upside down] I was mad before, but now I'm pissed off!
Ahduo: Heh heh, if I were you, I'd be worried that I'd get pissed on!
Others: [groan]
Ahduo: Well, I thought it was funny...
Merquise: GUARDS! Them all kill! Ack, I mean, kill them all!
Wufei: [points his sword at Merquise's neck] You were saying?
Merquise: Eh heh... I mean... stop, don't kill them...
Wufei: Much better. [turns the horse around, and slaps its butt]
[The horse runs away, while Merquise is still underneath it, his head bumping on the ground]
Merquise: Oh! Ow! Oof!
Guards: [playing their kazoos, following Merquise] Doo-dee-doo-doo!
Merquise: Oh, stop that!
Wufei: Mind the big rocks!
Others: Heh heh heh.
Mariemaia: Thanks sir.
Wufei: Don't mention it. And I vow, [regal music plays] I will right the wrongs and uphold justice. I'll fight back, and get rid of that King Treize. I promise to protect the... trees! Introduce folk dancing! Bring back—
Mariemaia: [music cuts out] That's nice sir. Well, I gotta be going now. [runs away, screaming] AHHHHHH!
Wufei: What an odd child.
~Scene 9~
[The royal bathroom.]
Maid Sally: [singing] Where is the one that I love most of all
When will I hear him call Sally, Sally
He is the one who can make my life whole
Joyful forever more
[A camera accidently breaks a window nearby, then the camera leaves; Sally looks at it for a moment, but keeps singing]
I've waited so patiently
For a true love
When will he come for me
Where is he, where is he
[Another camera breaks the window; Sally throws a brush at it]
Where is the man who carries the key
I cannot wait till he sets my heart free
When will I know him
When will I see him
When will I hear him say, Sally my love
[Suddenly, the music cuts out]
Sally: What is this crap that I'm singing?
Hilde: Um, don't worry about. But you'd better get out of the tub before that things rusts and you get an awful rash.
Sally: Oh. Okay. [She exits the tub, gratuitous skin shot, a metal chastity belt it shown, with the words "Everlast" etched on it]
[A bluebird flys crashing into the window, shakes its head, then flys through the hole that the camera made and lands on Sally's shoulder]
Sally: Oh! A little bluebird! Now I shall make a wish. I wish against wish, I hope against hope, that one day, a prince shall come and rescue me. [whispers] What kind of crap is this?
Hilde: [whispers back] Don't complain. At least we got roles in this fic. [speaks normal] Ahem, Maid Sally, you musn't dawdle. It's almost time for dinner! [exits]
Sally: [sighs] Right... [mutters] I wish someone had the key to this stupid thing...
~Scene 10~
[The royal hall. The sheriff comes barging in.]
Merquise: Hey! Your highness! I have some bad news!
King Treize: [talking to his various entertainers] Alright, party's over... [winks at Lady Une] I'll see you later baby. Ahem, and now, what is it Merquise?
Merquise: Well, I have bad news.
Treize: Did you say bad news? You know that I hate bad news. Now, what kind of news is it?
Merquize: Well, to be perfectly frank, it's bad.
Treize: ... I knew it! Alright, now tell me the bad news in a good way.
Merquise: A... good way?
Treize: YES! What, don't you speak English? In a GOOD way.
Merquise: Right, right, a good way... um... okay. [starts laughing] Well, you know what happened today? You won't believe this. Wufei of Chang has returned from the crusades. [keeps laughing] He just beat the crap out of me and my men, and he's a loyal follower of your brother! He's probably going to come and stop you and your reign! Haha!
Treize: Why are you laughing!?
Merquise: You told me to tell you in a good way, to, you know, soften the blow.
Treize: Well, you blew it! This is horrible...
Merquise: Should I make it up to you, your majesty?
Treize: Yes. Go to my room. I'll have your punishment there. After that I'll talk to the witch.
Merquise: Yes Sire. [shudders] Ewww... the witch... [leaves]
Others in the Court: [they collectively gasp]
Treize: [follows Merquise]
[Soon the sounds of a whip were heard, and the Court felt sorry for the poor Sheriff.]
Merquise: I'm not sorry!
TA: Shaddup!
~Scene 11~
[In the castle tower]
Dorothy L'trine: Hee hee hee! Now, what can I do for you, good king?
Treize: Can you tell me what I should do about this Chang fellow?
Dorothy: Well then... [starts gathering various ingredients and placing them in a pot] Hee hee... eye of salamander, testicles of a bull, butt of a spider...
Treize: [disgusted] Are... are all of those things necessary to tell the future?
Dorothy: No, but they make a great dish. [scoops up the concoction and puts it on a plate in front of Treize] Here, dig in.
Treize: [raises an eyebrow, but eats it anyway] Um... So what can you tell me about Wufei? [spits out an eyeball] Puh!
Dorothy: Ah... he is a good looking young man... nice pecs... mmm...
Treize: Ahem!
Dorothy: Oh, sorry. He wants to dethrone you and uphold his family's honor. You'd better keep an eye out for him.
Treize: Is there anyway you can help me?
Dorothy: Yes... if you give the sheriff a good word about me. [walks over to a curtain and pulls it away, revealing a life-size stand-up cardboard Zechs that's smiling] I've got the hots for him... [licks the cardboard Zechs's ear]
Treize: Uh... well... That's gonna be difficult...
Dorothy: If you don't do it, then I won't help you.
Treize: Um, maybe if we get him drunk.
Dorothy: [closes in on Treize, her face close to his, and smiles]
Treize: [pulls away] VERY drunk...
[The cardboard Zechs now has a face of disgust]
~Scene 12~
[Wufei, Ahduo and Trowa ride on the horse to a small bridge over a small creek. A man stands in the way of the bridge.]
Man blocking bridge: Halt.
Wufei: [gets off horse] I say, good man, can you... [makes a "shoo" gesture]
Man: Nope. Sorry, no toll, no go. [bashfully] I made that up myself.
Wufei: Um, okay then, I'll have to hurt you.
Man: I've been waiting for that. Quatre!
Quatre: [appears from behind the bushes] Here you go. [throws him two staffs]
Man: ... [hands Wufei one of the staffs and gets in a ready stance]
Ahduo: Hey... wait... [hops off the horse and goes to the creek] Wufei, you don't have to fight. [hops onto the other side of the creek.] I'm on one side, [hops back to the other side.] I'm on the other side! You don't need to fight.
Wufei: I know... But it's the principle of the thing.
Ahduo: [looks from the man, to Wufei and back.] Nice knowin' ya.
[Wufei and the man stare at each other and fight. Their sticks break in half. They stare at the two halfs, and throw one out and continue fighting. This continues until their staffs have been reduced to pegs.] [Wufei bashes the man's fingers until he drops the stick, then hits his foot, knocking him into the creek.]
Wufei: And now then, we shall be off!
Man: HELP!!! I can't swim!!
Wufei: [raises an eyebrow, but goes down to help him anyway.]
Man: Thank you, thank you! [grips Wufei in a bear hug]
Wufei: Ack... I... need...
Man: Hn? [lets go]
Wufei: AIR! [gasps]
Man: Sorry about that Wufei. I'm Little Heero. But in real life, I'm not little. I got it where it counts. Wanna see?
Wufei: [shakes his head] Ah, maybe some other time.
Heero: And that guy over there is Quatre Scarlet.
Quatre: Hello. My full name is Quatre Scarlet... O'Hara.
Wufei: Eh? How did you get a name like that?
Quatre: We're from Georgia.
Heero: He's a master with his daggers. Show 'em.
Quatre: Alright. [whips out his daggers, spins them around, then gets in a ready position] Aim an arrow straight at my heart.
Wufei: You're kidding.
Quatre: DO it.
Wufei: Alright then. Good bye. [takes his bow and arrow from the horse's pack, aims and shoots]
[Chainsaw sound effect]
Quatre: [chopping the arrow into many pieces before it reaches him] See?
Ahduo: What part Georgia you from, South Central?
Quatre: [grins and tries to put his daggers back in his sheathes, but he accidently cuts it and his pants fall off. *FAN SERVICE* And he ain't wearing underwear!]
Others: [nosebleed]
Wufei: Ah. [cleans up his nosebleed] Well then, I must be off.
Heero: Where are you going?
Wufei: I'm going to the castle.
Heero: Let us come with you!
Wufei: No... it's easier to sneak in one person than half a dozen. Well then, I must be off. [runs, tries to leap onto his horse, but doesn't jump high enough and hits his balls against the horse's ass.]
Ahduo: Man, white men can't jump.
Wufei: [in a squeaking voice] But I'm Chinese.
Ahduo: Either way, you STILL can't jump.
~Scene 13~
[The king's dining hall. Girls are dancing and Merquise sits next to Treize.]
Merquise: Well, this is good. Lots of food, lots of... [eyes a passing woman, who has rather large... things] ...women; this is great!
Treize: Of course it is!
[Suddenly, Sally walks through the crowds to take her seat on the other side of the king.]
Merquise: Maid Sally, you look ravishing today! [licks his lips]
Sally: [mumbles] Oh dear. [puts on an insincere smile] Sheriff, how good it is to see you. [mumbles] Not.
[Suddenly, Wufei crashes the party, literally because he falls from the ceiling window. Only the appearence of a large cow breaks his fall.]
Large Cow: Moo! [snorts at Wufei]
Wufei: Ouch. [gets up] You must be Prince Treize.
Treize: [mumbles] Well, this party is looking up! [oogles Wufei]
Wufei: Ahem.
Treize: Oh... ah, yes, I'm Treize. KING Treize.
Wufei: I don't think so. [pulls out a rubber chicken out of his pants and throws it before Treize] That represents you, you coward! A chicken for a chicken.
Treize: Funny, but you're starting to grate on my nerves.
Wufei: Grate grate grate! [makes gnashing gestures]
[Treize sputters, while Wufei's attention is directed to Maid Sally.]
Wufei: Ah, you must be Maid Sally of Po. Word of your beauty has travelled throughout the land, but it hardly does you justice. [Takes her hand and kisses it]
Sally: [blush][whispers] When did you learn to say that?
Wufei: [whispers back] The script says so.
Sally: [sweatdrop]
Treize: What a smoothie...
Merquise: [splutters] To illegal it is fall in window the through!
Everyone: What?
Merquise: It is illegal to fall through the window!
Wufei: Yes, and what of it?
Merquise: [walks from around the table to stand before Wufei] I challenge you to a duel. [picks up his leather glove from his belt and slaps Wufei]
Wufei: [is stunned, but picks up a metal gauntlet from the table and slaps him back]
Merquise: Oof! [rubs his cheek] Fine then. A duel to the death: man to man, mano a mano! Just you, me, and my... GUARDS!!! [runs out of the way]
Random Guards: Haaaaaaaa!
[Random pseudo-carnage occurs, where Wufei attempts to cut a rope to a chandelier above the guards, but hits the wrong one and a chandelier falls on him instead.]
Wufei: Oof!
Guards: Hahahaha!
[Then, his merry men break into the dining hall, attacking guards and randomly causing mayhem.]
Random Merry Man: Hoo! Hah!
[Anyway, Wufei, Ahduo, Little Heero, Trowa and Quatre caused havoc.]
Treize: [grabs Merquise] Save me, save me! Hurt them, hurt them!
Merquise: Save them, save them, hurt you, hurt you! Got it.
Treize: [sweat]
Merquise: Call... the Knights!
[Soon, a large group of knights in armor march into the hall, with the accompaniment of loud clanking.]
Treize: [covering his ears] I hope it's worth the NOISE!!!
Merquise: Don't worry your majesty, they'll be cornered.
[Several guards put a large wooden log in the door lock-thingys to latch the door shut. Wufei is on a balcony over looking the rest of the hall, while the armored knights march up and down the hall. They get into one big line and stand there. The other Merry Men are cornered at the doorway, fighting against many guards. Wufei grabs a rope.]
Wufei: [yanks on the rope] Hm, the right one! [swings down and knocks the first armored knight, thus causing a domino effect. All the knights fall.]
Knights: Ooh! Ow! Oof!
Wufei: And now I bid thee farewell. Little Heero, if you please.
Little Heero: [grabs the wooden log from the door and throws it at the guards]
Guards: Ooh! Ow! Oof!
Wufei: [blows a kiss to Sally] Ta-ta!
Hilde: [intercepts the kiss] I don't think so. Not until you're married.
Sally: [sighs] I'll never get any nooky at this rate.
~Scene 14~
[A forest hideaway, where random villagers are gathered below a wooden platform on which the original Merry Men stand.]
Ahduo: Well, we gathered the best fighter that each village had to offer.
Wufei: [looks around at the crowd, who is busy picking their nose and scratching themselves] You've got to be kidding me...
Ahduo: Nope, this is the best they got.
Wufei: [sighs exasperatedly] Fine. Listen up people!
[The crowd looks up at him and listens intently]
Wufei: We must fight! Fight for what's right!
Crowd: Yay.
Wufei: We must fight against the evil that is Prince Treize! We must fight for justice, and the good of the kingdom. [regal music] We must right the wrongs, help the innocent, save the—
[His speech is interrupted by the snoring of the crowd]
Wufei: [looks around shocked]
Ahduo: Um... You'd better let me handle this... [pushes Wufei to the back and steps forward, puts on some Malcom X glasses and speaks] HEY!
Crowd: Huh?
Ahduo: Look at yourselves. Go ahead, take a look around.
[The crowd looks around]
Ahduo: They all know what you've been through. They know what's goin' on. Ya'll been tricked!
Crowd: Yeah.
Ahduo: Victimized!
Crowd: Yeah!
Ahduo: Bamboozled!
Crowd: YEAH!
Ahduo: [steps back and takes off the glasses] They're all riled up for ya, Wufei.
Wufei: Thanks. [steps up] Now, are you ready to fight?! Who's with me, yay or nay?
Guy in crowd: Well, what's yes?
Wufei: [exasperated] Yay.
Crowd: YAY!!!
~Scene 15~
[The men are in line, waiting to get their gear.]
Trowa: Get your official Merry Men gear, stand in line please! Remember to get your hats, shirts, vests, bows and arrows, and pantyhose!
[Ahduo is opening up pantyhose eggs and handing the men green tights]
~Scene 16~
[An archery range]
Wufei: Now, just aim the arrow for the red dot in the center of the bullseye. [he aims and fires directly into the bullseye]
[Each of the men try, but they all fail. One accidently shoots backwards, another breaks his bow, and others just can't pull back the bowstring.]
Wufei: Sigh.
~Scene 17~
[A few dummies on wooden horses are set up for jousting.]
Wufei: [sitting in the stands nearby] Now, Quatre is going to show you all how to joust.
Quatre: Yeehaw! [charges on his horse and knocks the head off one of the dummies, then trots back to the stands]
Wufei: Good boy. [feeds Quatre some food out of his hand]
Quatre: [eats the piece of food right out of Wufei's hand]
Random Man: That's easy!
[The men on horseback charge, but they all get knocked off.]
Original Merry Men: Sigh.
~Scene 18~
[In the king's royal bubble bath. Four men stand to the side with long bronze straws, and are blowing bubbles into the king's bath. Treize's eyebrows are forked almost as much as Dorothy's.]
Treize: Ah yeah, that feels good...
Merquise: [barging into the room] Your majesty!
Treize: Alright, you guys can blow. [the blowers blow harder] I said blow, not blow... [the blowers pick up their straws and leave]
Merquise: Wufain huck stras agei!
Treize: What?
Merquise: Wufei has struck again.
Treize: Well, do something about it!
Merquise: We have. I have something to show you. BRING THE ROYAL BATHROBE!
Treize: This had better be important.
Merquise: It is. And, forgive me for saying this, but weren't your eyebrows less forked?
Treize: My eyebrows are forked?
~Scene 19~
[Outside on the castle grounds, Merquise sits in a large catapult]
Merquise: It's very simple. This is a stealth catapult. Just load a large boulder here, and pull that lever.
Treize: This one? [pulls it]
Merquise: Nooooo!!! [gets catapulted away]
~Scene 20~
[The castle tower.]
Dorothy: Please.... please grant me my wish... to have that hottie Merquise in my arms...
[Suddenly, Merquise crashes through the ceiling and lands on the bed.]
Dorothy: Aim's a bit off, but thank you! [tackles Merquise] Ooh, lemme show you some of my magic...
Merquise: Ack! No! Get away! [pushes her off and runs away]
Dorothy: [snaps her fingers] Damn. I was this close. I touched it.
~Scene 21~
[Monk TA rides on a cart filled with wine barrels, towed by TA-cow]
TA: Come on, move it TA-cow!
TA-cow: Mu!!! >..<
TA: You've been in the Sacramento wine, haven't you?! Baaad cow, bad cow! [1]
[Suddenly, TA is stopped by the Merry Men.]
Wufei: Halt! Who dares to enter L5 forest?
TA: I'm monk TA, and this is my cow, TA-cow. And who might you be?
Wufei: I'm Wufei Hood, and these are my merry men.
TA: Uh... are you guys JUST gay?
Wufei: Nah, we swing both ways.
TA: Oh. Cool.
Wufei: Would you care to stay and join us, share with us your council, your advice... and some of your wine?
TA: Council and advice, sure, but this here is Sacramento wine! You can't drink any of that until you're in Sacramento!
Merry Men: Awww.
TA: But... we could always pretend this is Sacramento. Same weather.
Merry Men: Yay!
~Scene 22~
[In the office of Sheriff of Merquise.]
Merquise: Thanks for coming all this way sis— I mean, Doña Relena.
[She's dressed in a huge fur coat that makes her look fat, and two people flank her on either side, wearing black trenchcoats.]
Doña Relena: [talking like the Godfather, but with great difficulty] You know, in all the time that England and Jersey have been friends, you have never invited me to drink tea and eat scones.
Merquise: Well...
Relena: So, why am I here? And it had better be a good reason.
Merquise: Well, we need to get rid of Wufei Hood.
Relena: Oh. Well, I heard he's good in archery.
Merquise: He is. The best in the land.
Relena: Whose side are you on? Anyway, my associate here, Lucretia Noina, is a very good archer. SHE's the best.
Merquise: [oogles her for a moment] Are you sure?
Relena: Show him.
Noina: [opens up her coat, revealing all her archery medals, and a very skimpy leather mini skirt and bra]
Merquise: [nosebleeds] I... I see your point... Hey... why doesn't that other guy talk?
Relena: He's Dirty Heerio. My enemies cut out his tongue.
Dirty Herrio: Grrr.
Merquise: Oh my. That's horrible.
Relena: Yeah, watch this. Hey Heerio!
Heerio: Grr?
Relena: Do this. [makes knocking sounds with her tongue]
Heerio: Grrr.
Relena: [laughs] See? He can't do it! Hahaha...
Merquise: Anyway, what about this archery thing?
Relena: Ah yes. There's a festival tomorrow, right?
Merquise: Yeah.
Relena: Then make the biggest event the archery contest. Noina defeats Wufei, then Herrio here... [makes the slitting throat motion] ...does him in.
Merquise: Uh... right.
Heerio: [flashes his crossbow, which looks like a gun, also flashing his muscled body to everyone in the room since he only has spandex shorts on under the trenchcoat.]
Merquise: [nosebleed] Uh... do your associates ever wear more than that?
Relena: No. Usually they don't even wear the trenchcoats.
Merquise: [bigger nosebleed]
~Scene 23~
[In Sally's bedroom, the sound of Merquise's blood gushing out is heard]
Sally: [leaning over the balcony outside the window] That son of a motherless goat! [runs into her bedroom] Hilde!
Hilde: [sleeping in bed] What?
Sally: No time to explain! We have to warn Wufei!
Hilde: Aww, and I was so looking forward to our nighttime activities.
Sally: Well, find another partner, or come with me.
Hilde: [shrugs, but grabs her coat anyway]
[Sally and Hilde hop off the balcony onto their respective horses, and ride off into the night]
~Scene 24~
[Trowa is standing in the makeshift watch tower before the hideout, while Wufei rides up]
Wufei: Trowa, what are you doing?
Trowa: I'm guessing... I guess no one's coming...
Wufei: Get down from there, you're semi-blind. You can't even hear well. Twit. [rides into the hideout]
Trowa: Well then. [tries to climb down the ladder, but accidently knocks it away, gratuitous ass shot, then he tries to grab for the ladder] Oh shit. [falls onto the ground.] Ouch... [brushes himself off] I... I have depth perception! [his bang is currently sticking up, allowing him to see with two eyes. He runs off to follow Wufei, but hits a tree, which knocks his bang back into his eyes] Damn. Maybe not.
~Scene 25~
[Little Heero and Quatre come out of the lavatories, wearing their Merry Men gear. (The tights, silly hat, vest and dress shirt)]
Heero: [pulling up his tights] These tights are bunching up on me. You've gotta be a man to wear tights.
Quatre: Ah.
Heero: [turns around to show Quatre his butt, er, back] Are my tights good?
Quatre: Perfect as always.
Heero: Ha ha! [walks past Quatre and slaps him on the ass]
[Suddenly, the rest of the merry men come into the scene, and they all get into three rows]
Merry Men: We're men, we're men in tights.
We roam around the forest looking for fights.
We're men, we're men in tights.
We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right!
We may look like sissies, but watch what you say or else we'll put out your lights!
[Trowa punches the wrong way and punches Quatre]
We're men, we're men in tights,
Always on guard defending the people's rights.
[Dance number, chorus line style]
We're men, MANLY men, we're men in tights. Yeah!
We roam around the forest looking for fights.
We're men, we're men in tights.
We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right!
We may look like pansies, but don't get us wrong or else we'll put out your lights.
[Trowa punches the wrong way and punches Heero]
We're men, we're men in tights (TIGHT tights),
Always on guard defending the people's rights.
When you're in a fix just call for the men in tights!
We're butch! [2]
Wufei: [watching from the sidelines] THAT was embarrassing.
Ahduo: [also watching from the sidelines] Could be worse.
Wufei: How?
Ahduo: They could have been wearing tutus.
~Scene 26~
[Sally and Hilde ride up]
Wufei: Sally!
Sally: Wufei! I have terrible news!
Wufei: [helps Sally off her horse] What is it?
[Heero goes to help Hilde off her horse]
Heero: Hello!
Hilde: Uh... hi.
Heero: Let me help you. [Picks her up and puts her on the ground effortlessly]
Hilde: [blush] Thanks... [romantic music starts to play]
Wufei: Stop that! [music stops] Uh, anyway, Sally, what is the horrible news you had to tell us?
Sally: That bastard, the sheriff, wants you dead! Don't go to the festival tomorrow.
Wufei: Okay, I won't go.
Sally: Oh good, because they were gonna have an archery contest—
Wufei: Archery?
Sally: Crap, I said too much. Promise me you won't go, Wufei.
Wufei: Alright, I promise you won't go.
Sally: Good... hey...
Ahduo: Um, didn't you say...
Wufei: Cool it.
Ahduo: Chilled!
[Wufei leads Sally off elsewhere to talk]
Merry Men: Ooooooooooh...
Wufei: Shut up.
~Scene 27~
[Wufei and Sally behind a curtain]
Wufei: You know, you look ravishing tonight.
Sally: That's what the sheriff said.
Wufei: Really? [pulls out his script] Oh, whoops. I mean, [clears his throat] You look so wonderful tonight.
Sally: You think so?
Wufei: Of course... [music start] Hey, I'm not singing. [music stops]
Sally: You're not going to sing for me?
Wufei: I will do no such thing!
Sally: Wasn't that line from Holy Gundam? And wasn't it Heero's line?
Wufei: Oh bloody hell.
Sally: You keep stealing lines from the others, isn't that injustice?
Wufei: I brought you here so I could gush about your beauty, not for you to nag me.
Sally: Sorry.
Wufei: Now, where was I?
Sally: You said I looked wonderful.
Wufei: Oh yeah... [starts spouting about how she looks gorgeous and how she's so wonderful and brave and courageous, risking her neck to come to warn him...]
Sally: [falling asleep]
Wufei: ... and you... Sally? Wake up!
Sally: Huh? Sorry.
Wufei: Forget this. TA, can we cut to the next scene?
TA: NO! Not until you sing!
Wufei: There is no justice!
TA: Do it. Or I'll write you in a slash fic with... Treize!
Wufei: Noooo! Okay, okay... I'll sing... Stupid onna...
TA: Sing.
Wufei: [takes a deep breath] THE NIIIGHT IS YOUNG, AND YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL—
Sally: You don't need to yell!
Wufei: Sorry. [coughs] Okay...
~Scene 28~
Wufei: Hey! I was about to sing!
TA: I changed my mind. You're horrible at singing anyways.
Wufei: [pout]
[Sally and Wufei walk to stand near a tree]
Wufei: Oh, I love you so. [moves in to kiss her]
Sally: Ah ah ah. There's something you should know.
Wufei: What is it? [moves in closer, but the lock on Sally's chastity belt blocks him, hitting him...] Ow...
Sally: That. Can't do it until I lose it.
Wufei: Great... Well, can we at least kiss?
Sally: Sure.
[They start to kiss]
Hilde: [on her horse, leading Sally's horse] Stop!
Sally: [sigh] Hilde, why don't you go off and screw with that Heero guy.
Hilde: Already did.
[Wufei and Sally look shocked, then lean in to kiss]
Hilde: Ah!
Sally: [exasperated sigh] Fine. [Walks to her horse and looks at Wufei lovingly before trotting off]
Wufei: Bye! Adieu! Auf Wiedersehen! Au revoir! Ciao! Arrivederci! Adios! Joy geen!
Sally: [off screen] Took you long enough.
~Scene 29~
[Ahduo, Trowa, Little Heero and Quatre sneak into the festival wearing women's dresses.]
Ahduo: Damn... this purse doesn't match this dress.
Heero: Don't complain, you look fine.
Ahduo: You think so?
Heero: Absolutely.
Quatre: Fix your boobs Trowa... they look lopsided.
Trowa: Huh? [attempts to fix them, but only succeeds in making them look bigger and more lopsided]
[They walk on into the festival]
~Scene 30~
[The royal archery range. A large target is placed, and five or six men are lined up in a row, one of them being Wufei, another being Noina]
Announcer: OKAY! EVERYONE GET READY!
[The royal box. Two trumpeters trumpet in Treize's ears. He looks startled.]
Treize: Ow.
[The archers ready their bows]
Announcer: WAIT FOR IT... NOW!
[The archers shoot, and only two arrows make it into the bullseye]
Announcer: OKAY— OLP!
TA: [wielding a mallet] I never should have hired that guy. Okay, listen up peeps. Bring out the other target!
[Random guards bring out another target]
TA: Okay. The contest is now between the old guy and that hot chick.
Wufei: I'm not old!
Noina: And don't call me a 'hot chick'!
TA: Ooh, sorry. Anyway, the guy can go first.
[Wufei hits the target square in the center]
Crowd: Yay.
Merquise: [in the royal box with Treize] Yeah, nice job, WUFEI of Chang!
Crowd: Gasp.
Wufei: [takes off his disguise and bows to the audience]
Crowd: Yay. Root, root, root.
Sally & Hilde: [in the royal box also, in a stage whisper] Root! Root!
Treize: You fool! The crowd's on his side, dumbass!
Merquise: Don't tell how to do my job!
Treize: I'm your king!
Merquise: Whoops... eh heh...
TA: AHEM! Now, the nice lady can go.
[Noina splits Wufei's arrow in two.]
Crowd: Yay.
Random guy: He split Wufei's arrow in twain!
Crowd: Yay! [crowd starts throwing Chinese lettuce and other various forms of lettuce]
Trowa: Great, we can open a salad bar.
Wufei: I lost?! Wait a minute, this can't be. I'm not supposed to lose. Lemme check the script... [pulls out the script] I get another shot!
Ahduo: Hey hey! He gets another shot!
Treize and Merquise: What?! [they pull out their script] He get's another shot.
Random guy: Hey everyone, listen up! Wufei gets another shot!
Crowd: Yay.
Random guy: So let's give him the chop!
[The crowd starts doing the Cleveland Indian Chop]
Crowd: Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh.
Treize: [says to Merquise] Great, the crowd's even more on his side. Kill him now!
Merquise: [gestures to Heerio]
[Heerio is up in the scroll depository. He brings out a huge box, in it is a bunch of parts for a sniper crossbow, and puts it together. He aims for Wufei, and fires]
Trowa: [catches the arrow]
Others: [look mildly shocked]
Ahduo: How the HELL did you do that?
Trowa: I heard that coming a mile away.
Wufei: Very good Trowa.
Trowa: Who said that? [looks around frantically]
[Wufei busts out the "Patriot Arrow"]
Ahduo: Patriot Arrow?
[Wufei is about to take the shot, aims... but then, Noina whacks Wufei in the back of the knee, causing him to shoot upwards. Ahduo punches out Noina]
[The arrow shoots upwards, goes under the benches causing the crowd to do "the wave," then comes around and blows up the target]
Crowd: Yay.
Merquise: Arrest that man!!!
[Guards come and grab Wufei]
Sally: No!
Merquise: And what are you going to do about it?
Sally: I'll do the most hideous I can imagine!
Merquise: Oh, and what might that be?
Sally: I'll... marry you!
Wufei: No, my wife— I mean my life's not worth it! Just say nay!
Sally: I must!
Merquise: If I don't kill him, you'll marry me?
Sally: Yes.
Merquise: Very well then. [turns to the guards and Wufei] Walk this way. [struts away]
Wufei and guards: [shrug] [strut off after him]
Treize: Later today we're going to have a wedding, or a hanging. Either way we're going to have a lot of fun! [jiggles]
~Scene 31~
[On the other side of the field]
Ahduo: Let's get out of these lady's clothes... and get into our tights...
Trowa: Wufei needs our help!
Little Heero: Let's get the villagers!
Quatre: Let's fox them!
Others: Yay!
[pan to another area in the same field]
Random Fox Guy: [holding a fox in his hands, while another man puts a message into the pouch hanging around its neck] Okay Flipper, take this message to the villagers. Are you listening? The villagers. Okay, go!
[He lets go of the fox, and the fox shoots off at light speed, making a dolphin sound]
~Scene 32~
[Wufei stands on a platform, hands tied.]
Hangman (Catherine): So, what are you, a size 16? Hee hee! [plays around with the nooses]
Wufei: [raises an eyebrow]
[Scene switches to the castle gates. Abbot Pargan walks down some red carpet leading from the castle gates. His staff whacks the camera man, making him fall off the platform and the camera breaks. Abbot Pargan gets to the altar where Merquise waits. He pulls out a red bible. Then Sally walks down the red carpet, being led by Treize. He turns around to close the castle gates with a remote control. Then they make it to the altar, where Treize lets her go, and Sally goes to stand with Merquise]
Sally: Huh? [looks over at Wufei] I though you said you weren't going to kill him?!
Merquise: Let's just call him, insurance.
Pargan: Now let us pray, in the new Latin. Odgay, acegray isthay ithway ouryay essingblay. Amenay. [3]
Crowd: Amenay.
Pargan: Okay, do you, Milliardo, take— Milliardo? That's your real name?
[Crowd laughs]
Merquise: Grr... just go.
Pargan: Okay... Milliardo.
[Crowd laughs more]
Pargan: So do you, Milliardo, take Maid Sally as your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to—
Merquise: Yes yes, now get on with it.
Pargan: Okay, and do you, Maid Sally take Milliardo as your lawfully wedded husband?
Sally: I do...
[Meanwhile, Ahduo and the guys come. Not that kind of come, I mean, Ahduo shoots an arrow which cuts Wufei's noose, freeing him.]
Sally: ... not! I do not!
Merquise: What?!
[Major quasi-carnage occurs]
Merquise: I don't care whether we're married or not! I'll have you, one way or another! [picks her up and runs for the tower]
Wufei: Hey!
Ahduo: You'd better hurry, he's gonna deflower your girl in the tower.
Wufei: She's got a chastity belt, she'll be fine.
Ahduo: [looks at him incredulously] Are you crazy? He'll find a way to break it, and then what's gonna happen?
Wufei: I know, I know... [chases after Merquise]
~Scene 33~
[The castle tower. Merquise throws Sally onto the bed and rips off her clothes, revealing the chastity belt]
Merquise: A chastity belt?! Ooh, that's really gonna chafe my willy...
[He leaves, and returns with a jackhammer]
Sally: Yoo-oou will-will ne-never ge-get i-it of-off...
[Wufei enters the room dramatically]
Wufei: En garde!
Merquise: I'll deal with you later.
[Merquise whips out his sword, the metal one, and Wufei and Merquise start fighting]
Wufei: Excellant parry.
Merquise: Nice thrust.
[They look into each other's eyes, and they start making out.]
Sally: Um, hello? Anyone remember me?
Wufei: Right, in a moment... [Merquise and Wufei proceed to screw like a certain furry mammal]
Sally: [throws hands up in the air] Jeez, now who's gonna save me?
Dorothy: Never let a man do a woman's job... [breaks Sally's chastity belt] Now let me show you what a man could never pull off!
Sally: And what's that?
Dorothy: Multiple orgasms!
[Suddenly, Hilde walks in]
Hilde: Oh my... hey, can I join in?
Sally & Dorothy: Sure.
~Epilogue~
[King Howard enters the tower]
Howard: What in the hell is going on?
Ahduo: [also enters tower] Huh? Wufei! Man, I thought you were going to save Sally!
Wufei: Well, I changed my mind. Merquise is so much better...
Ahduo: Ah hell. I'll go find Trowa. [leaves]
Howard: Well, since you all are having a good time, can I go kick the crap out of Treize?
Merquise: Sure. It was all his idea anyway.
Others: [cough] Bullshit!
Merquise: Alright, maybe partially my idea.
Howard: Okay, I'll be going now. [leaves]
TA: And thus the land was filled with the cries and shouts of passion, as everyone had found a true love. Ahduo found Trowa, and they had mad nooky every night. Quatre cuddled with Little Heero, and Relena enjoyed the company of Noina, however, Heerio had mysteriously disappeared. And me... well, I'm left with the leftovers...
[TA's house]
Treize: You know, my mother used to make this wonderful salad...
Howard: How very interesting...
TA: [sigh] So goes the life of a monk...
THE END. [The ML cheers]