I just got out of school for a couple of weeks and I’m ready to type up the usual crap, so get ready for some mindless toilet humor... (If this is humorus at all...) I was watching the show South Park and I got a couple of ideas, so please don't blame me. Well you can, just keep the blaming clean okay? Okay, now for the warnings. There is, in this fic, the following: Violence, language, nudity, and other various things that might make people sick. Is that it? Oh yeah, and if you don't know what South Park is, then go look it up on Yahoo or something.
Oh yeah, and all characters belong to their original owners, blah blah blah, disclaimers and that kind of crap apply, yada, yada...
It was a beautiful day in the Ningenkai. The birds were flying, the air was sweet...
*FART* "Whew! Someone's bakin' brownies!" Kuwabara replied as the class heard a loud sound come from the back of the class. Yusuke and the others laughed, while the teacher (Genkai) yelled at everyone to be quiet. "Now children, tomorrow we're going to learn about how the Academy treats people like crap..."
The next day, Yusuke, Kuwabara and Hiei were standing at the bus stop. Kurama walked towards them, with a kid with a head shaped like a foot ball. "Hey," Yusuke said. "Who's the kid?"
Kurama: Huh? Oh that's just my little brother, Shuuichi.
Kuwabara: He can't follow us to school! He'll make us look like dorks!
Hiei: *Mumbles incoherently, but the other boys seem to understand him just fine. Too bad for us...*
All: HA HA HA AHAHAHHAHHAHHA!
Yusuke: Yeah, you're right Hiei!
Kurama: Man, Kuwabara, did you sleep last night? you look terrible.
Kuwabara: I had the weirdest dream. (FLASHBACK) I dreamt that I was being dragged through my house and into a spaceship. Then these weird lookin' aliens came and probed my ass.
Yusuke: DUDE! Visitors!
Kuwabara: What?
Kurama: Dude, You were visited. You probably have an anal probe now.
Kuwabara: WHAT!?!?!?!?
Hiei: *mumble, mumble*
All: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!
Kuwabara: Shut up dildo, before I kick your ass!
Yusuke: You probably don't even know what that means!
Kuwabara: I do too!
Yusuke: Do not!
Kuwabara: Do too!
Yusuke: Do not!
Kuwabara: Do too!
Yusuke: Do not!
Kuwabara: Do too!
Kurama: Okay, okay that's enough. Hiei, what is a dildo?
Hiei: *mumble, grumble, mumble, snicker*
All: HAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!
Kurama: Yep, that's what Cartman is.
Kuwabara: You're all a bunch of dildos!
Yusuke: Shut up fat ass. Now what are we gonna do about the kid?
Kurama: (Turning to look at Shuuichi) Okay, Shuuichi, go back home, or else I'm gonna have to play kick the baby.
Shuuichi: No kick the baby.
Kurama: You ready? Okay, kick the baby! (Kicks Shuuichi threw the bus window and out onto the other side of the street.)
The bus driver lady yells at the boys to get on the bus and sit down and shut up. The boys get to the back of the bus and watch as two oddly shaped aliens take Shuuichi hand in hand and walk away.
Kurama: OHMYGOD!!!! Aliens just took my little brother. (Runs to the front of the bus and starts talking to the bus driver lady) You have to stop the bus! Aliens are taking my little brother!
Bus Driver: SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!
Kurama: But...
Bus Driver: I SAID SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH
Kurama: Ahhhhhhhh! (Runs back to his seat in the back of the bus and talks to Yusuke) Damn it! My mom is gonna kill me! (imitates his mom's voice) Where's your brother Kurama? Aren't you looking after your brother Kurama? BRUSH YOUR TEETH KURAMA!
Yusuke: Dude! Calm down! We'll get your brother back.
The bus arrives at school. The kids get off and class begins.
Genkai started her boring lecture and the kids began to doze off. All except our heroes...
Kurama: Dude, I'm really worried! What if those aliens start probing my brother or something?
Yusuke: Hey, just ask Genkai if she'll let you out of class.
Kurama: Okay. (raises hand)
Genkai: Yes Kurama?
Kurama: Ms. Genkai, I have to go find my brother. He was kidnapped by aliens and I have to save him!
Genkai: (Points to a little puppet on her desk) I think you should ask Ms. Yukina.
Kurama: But I'm not asking Ms. Yukina, I'm asking you!
Genkai: Oh, I think you should ask Ms. Yukina.
Kurama: (Gives an exasperated sigh) Okay, Ms. Yukina, may I be excused to save my brother?
Ms. Yukina: Well... NO! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE! NOW GET BACK IN YOUR SEAT!
Kurama: Damn!
Kurama walks back to his seat, while Kuwabara farts, sending flames to go in all direction.
Kuwabara: Ow! My ass!
Hiei: *mumble mumble mumble*
The Class: HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Genkai: Kuwabara, could you please keep your flaming gases under control!
Kuwabara farts again, sending flames onto one child, who gets out of his seat and runs around the class in terror. Then an eyeball on a stick comes out of Kuwabara's butt.
Yusuke: Dude!
Kuwabara: (The Eye thing retracts) What?
Yusuke: Nothing.
Later during lunch...
The boys stand in the lunch line. Then, Keiko Yukimura walks up to them. Yusuke barfs.
Kuwabara: (In a sing-song voice) "Yusuke wants to ki-iss Keiko Yukimura!"
Yusuke: No I don't!
Kuwabara: Then how come you barf each time she talks to you?
Yusuke: I do not!
Keiko: Hi guys. (Yusuke barfs)
Kurama & Kuwabara: Hi Keiko!
Keiko gives Yusuke and note saying that she wants to meet him after school at the lake. Yusuke barfs on her as she leaves. Keiko shrieks "EW!", but walks away quickly.
The boys finally reach the cafeteria.
Koenma: Hey children!
Boys: Hey Koenma!
Koenma: Hey children, did you hear about the UFO sitings?
Yusuke: Yeah! Kuwabara got an anal probe!
Kuwabara: I did not! (The Eye things comes out of his butt again. Everyone looks on in amazement. Kuwabara turns his head, but sees nothing.) What?
Koenma: *GASP* This must mean the visitors want to communicate with us!
Kuwabara: What the hell are you talking about? Is this some kind of joke?
Yusuke: Kurama's little brother got kidnapped by the aliens.
Koenma: Really? Then what the hell are you doing in school! Go find him! (He goes to a near by fire alarm and sets it off) FIRE DRILL! FIRE DRILL! Here's your chance boys!
Boys: Thanks Koenma!
The four boys ditch school, happily singing, "We got out of school, no more school today!"
Meanwhile...
Rancher: I don't know what happened officer George! Three of my cattle have been turning inside out for no reason.
Officer George: This is a natural thing. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time.
Cow 1: Moo? [We do?]
Cow 2: Moo Moo. [We do not!]
Anyway, back to the boys...
As the boys walk to the park, an alien space ship comes and hovers nearby.
Kurama: You M@%$&# F&%@#! Give me back my brother!
The space ship retaliates by sending a laser beam. It hits Hiei and knocks him into the street.
Stan: OH MY GOD! They killed Hiei!
Kurama: You bastards!
Hiei: (Waves hands in the air) *MUMBLE MUMBLE!*
Kuwabara: Hey look! Hiei's fine.
A herd of cows stampedes over Hiei. Then Officer George in his patrol car hits Hiei and knocks him to the side of the road. The alien space ship leaves while Kurama picks up a rock and throws it at the retreating spacecraft. The boys walk towards Hiei's body
Kurama: Poor guy.
Yusuke: (Picks up a stick and pokes his body) He's dead.
Kuwabara: No he's not.
Yusuke: Yes he is, Kuwabara.
Kuwabara: NO HE'S NOT!
Kurama: (Pulls off Hiei's head) YES HE IS!
Kuwabara: This is all one big hoax, just like the anal probe. I'm not under alien control. (An alien ray hits Kuwabara. His face gets all rosy cheeked and he starts singing in a high voice) "I love to sing-ah, Sing about the moon-ah and the June-ah and the Spring-ah" (Another ray hits Kuwabara and he returns to normal, while the others gawk)
Kurama: Dude! He is under alien control!
Kuwabara: I am not! Screw you guys, I'm going home! (Stomps home)
Kurama: Oh well, we didn't need him anyway. C'mon Yusuke, let's go save my brother.
Yusuke: Sorry dude, I'm gonna get some sweet lovin' from Keiko. (Leaves)
Kurama: Dammit! (Follows Yusuke)
At the Lake...
Yusuke: Where the F@$# is Keiko? I want some sweet lovin'!
Kurama: Calm down dude! She'll be here.
Keiko: Hi guys.
Yusuke: *BARF*
Kurama: Hey Keiko. Now Yusuke, get some sweet lovin' and then we can go save my little brother from the aliens.
Yusuke: *BARF*
Keiko: Your brother got kidnapped?
At Kuwabara's house...
Kuwa's Mom: Hi sweetheart. How was your day?
Kuwabara: Hi Mom. It was terrible. If anyone asks, I'm not home.
Kuwa's Mom: Do you want some Ricey Cakes? (Hands him the cakes)
Kuwabara: Of course Mom! (Gets up on the sofa and starts chowing down. Then a cat walks by and meows at him) No kitty this is my food!
Kitty: Meow?
Kuwabara: No kitty, that's a bad kitty!
Kitty: Meow?
Kuwabara: NO KITTY! BAD KITTY! (As he says this, he farts, sending flames straight towards the cat)
Kitty: MEOW!!!! (Runs all around the house, while on fire)
Kuwa's Mom: Honey, your friends are here to see you.
Kuwabara: Mom! I told you I didn't want to see them!
Kurama: C'mon Kuwabara, let's go play by the bus stop.
Kuwabara: I don't want to!
Kuwa's Mom: DON'T BE DIFFICULT KAZUMA!
Kuwabara: (in a meek voice) Yes Mom...
At the bus stop...
Kurama: Don't worry about it Kuwabara. We tied a string onto you so the aliens won't take you away.
Kuwabara: (He is tied to a tree, and yanks at the rope) This is not cool. Let me go you dildos! (Kurama, Yusuke and Keiko go hide behind a log)
Yusuke: Are the aliens really gonna come?
Kurama: Um... We need to contact them some how.
Yusuke: How 'bout that thing comin' out of his ass?
Kurama: Yes! (Shouts to Kuwabara) FART YOU BIG FAT ASS!
Kuwabara: No, I think I've farted enough today!
Yusuke: FART, YOU &*#%#@&%@$@#!
Kuwabara: Hey! I've had enough of your dumb ass jokes. Now let me go! (While he says this, he farts, sending a big 80 foot satellite out of his ass)
Kurama, Yusuke and Keiko: DUDE!
The aliens come in their space craft. One of the doors opens, and Shuuichi is seen. Kurama, Yusuke and Keiko run out and stop at the foot on the huge ship. Then the aliens teleport right in front of them, sort of like a Star Trek thing.
Yusuke: (In a hushed voice) Kurama! Ask them to give back your brother.
Kurama: Okay, Mr. Aliens, Today you took my little brother, the kid with the football shaped head. At first, I was glad that you took him, but now I realize that having a little brother is a very special thing.
Yusuke: Yeah.
Kurama: So please, if you could look into your hearts or whatever you have, can you give me back my little brother? (Turns to Yusuke) Did it work?
Yusuke: No. They're going away.
Kurama: What the #@*!&#*&@&#!*@*!! You must some kind of #*@!&#!#^$@$&&@*&#*@&# to ignore a crying child! Give me back my brother you !@^%^#&*%$*#*&*%^$!!!
Yusuke: Keiko, what does #@*!&#*&@&#!*@*!! mean?
Shuuichi: (Up in the alien spacecraft) La La La!
Kurama: Jump Shuuichi! For the love of God, Jump!
Shuuichi: No. No kick the baby!
Kurama: I promise not to play kick the baby anymore!
Shuuichi: Ummm....
Kurama: Shuuichi! Do your impression of David Caruso's career!
Shuuichi: It's my turn! (Jumps out of the ship and lands head first into the snow)
Elsewhere, the cows are watching all of this. The aliens teleport in front of them.
Cow 1: Moo? [What the hell?]
Alien 1: Moo Moo, Moo Moo Moo. [We have searched the world, and discovered that you are the most intelligent creatures on this planet.]
Cow 2: Moo Moo? [We are?]
Cow 1: Moo Moo Moo Moo Moo? [Then why did you turn some of us inside out?]
Alien 2: Moo Moo Moo Moo. [That was Bob's fault. He's new](Points to Alien 3)
Alien 3 (Bob): Moo Moo. Moo Moo. [Sorry. My bad.]
Alien 1: Moo Moo Moo Moo. [We leave you with this gift. Use it well.] (Gives the cows the ray machine that made Kuwabara into the singing freak. The aliens leave again, teleporting back to their ship)
While that was going on, Kuwabara's anal probe (AHEM! I mean satellite) goes back into his butt. The biggest ship then begins to suck Kuwabara into it's cargo bay.
Kuwabara: HELP! Let me go! (He farts, sending fire down the rope. The rope snaps and Kuwabara gets sent into the ship, screaming) DILDO!
Kurama: (Holds Shuuichi by the hand) Well, that's over with. Hey! You talked to Keiko without throwing up!
Yusuke: Yeah I did!
Keiko: Maybe now we can kiss? (Puckers up)
Yusuke: *BARF* (The barf lands all over Keiko)
Keiko: EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!! (Runs away)
Yusuke: Oh well. Let's go home. (The boys go home)
The next day...
Yusuke and Kurama and standing at the bus stop.
Kurama: Man, we're running out of friends.
(Kuwabara suddenly drops from the sky, with one eye all pink. He has pink eye, and is not in very good health.)
Yusuke: Hey Kuwabara.
Kurama: What happened to you?
Kuwabara: I had the weirdest dream. I dreamt that I had an 80-foot satellite sticking out of my ass, and that David Caruso gave me pink eye.
Yusuke: But Kuwabara, you have pink eye!
Kuwabara: Son of a bitch!