A PIECE OF BROKEN GLASS
by
Neonica Noele L. Cruz


The easiest way of suicide is to live, hating life itself.
--------- Anonymous

"Oh Mother, Mary Mother
lost, all is lost between
Hell and Heaven ! "
------"Sister Helen", Dante Rossetti



Just how did I get into this mess ? Just HOW THE HELL DID I GET INTO THIS GODDAM MESS !? One minute I was putting the fifty peso bill I got from Mom, the next minute I was scheduled for a painful licking just because I lost my temper at her for being the reason why my most precious keychain that has LOTS of sentimental value got lost in that accursed jeepney. And now, I am condemned to a life ( what life !? ) of having to go to mass every Friday as if going there every Sunday wasn't enough.

Moral lesson of the story ? There is NO God. If there ever had been one Almighty, Ever Merciful, All-powerful , etc. etc., God , He would have--------- Uh, never mind. It won't change anything anyway. I don't believe in one anymore. And if, IF, there really was one, I don't give a damn. He took away everything I lived for, anyway. Fine, I don't want to have anything to do with you. I even be thankful if I just lie and die in a corner. Ask and you shall receive--HAH ! Trust me, it never works.

Why am I writing this ? For one thing, I need a place where I can get all of this out of my system. If I don't, I might just end up tossing that statue of the Sto. Nino and that Crucifix out of the window. Actually, I would have done that long time ago if it weren't for Mom who insisted in putting those damn things in my room, as if she doesn't have her own, in the first place ! Fine, call me a non-believer. Call me an atheist. I had enough of this religious nonsense.

You tell me that God loves me ? Well, too bad. It won't work on me because I HATE HIM !!!! I hate Him. I hate my parents, my brother and every single thing in this world. I hate my life. I wish Mom just aborted me when I was still inside her. I mean, if someone is just going to live a miserable life, why not just save her all that trouble and kill her in a fast, painless and easy way. No regrets. I know my brother would rather be an only child, anyway. If it wasn't for me, Mom and Dad would still have their jobs. And they wouldn't have an ugly, sick with a fatal disease, useless kid to make them worry for the money for medicines, doctors and check-ups. I see them now. They would be probably be living in a life of luxury right now.

To tell you the truth, I would be probably doing my family a big favor if I just from this disease anyway. It doesn't do them a lot of good and it doesn't do a lot of good to me either. Do you know the real reason why I don't really hang out with anyone else ? Why I would rather prefer to be alone in my room ? Every time I look out and see a pretty girl having fun, enjoying her youth while I look in the mirror and see myself, I just hate what I see outside because I know I had been like her and I know how impossible it is to be like her again. Do you know that for four straight years my only wish for in life was to be the normal healthy kid I was before, again . Like many others, I asked God. Fine, I begged him everyday after I woke up. But did He hear my prayers ? Was HE listening ? NO, He never did. Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find------ PHEWY ! They only say that so the people will give lots of cash during collections in Mass.

I remember this dream I had during I was first hospitalized for LSE. There were three men at my bed. They were all in white. One of them was insisting that it was useless, I was better off dead. While the other was arguing that I have a chance to live. They were waiting for the third person to side with either one of them. Until he finally agreed with the latter. Right now I am beginning to wish that he sided with the former. It would have saved me from all this trouble in the first place. He was right, I am better off dead. I remember the time when I first broke a mirror at school. It was destroyed. No amount of adhesive could make it the way it was before.

I just now realize that I was just like that mirror.