Shaun Watson reviews...

Movie Poster from the Internet Movie Database The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers Directed by Peter Jackson Starring: Sean Astin as Samwise Gamgee Cate Blanchette as Galadriel Orlando Bloom as Legolas Greenleaf Billy Boyd as Pippin Brad Dourif as Grima Wormtongue Bernard Hill as King Theoden Christopher Lee as Saruman the White Sir Ian McKellen as Gandalf the White Dominic Monaghan as Merry Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn Miranda Otto as Eowyn John Rhys-Davies as Gimli Andy Serkis as Gollum/Smeagol Liv Tyler as Arwen Karl Urban as Eomer Hugo Weaving as Lord Elrond David Wenham as Faramir Elijah Wood as Frodo Baggins

Last time, on Lord of the Rings, our reviewer still hadn't read the book that spawned the Lord of the Rings movie. It'll be OK 'cuz I can still go and see a movie about ass-kicking the way it ought to be done.

There was a roster change towards the end of Fellowship: Boromir died trying to save Merry and Pippin from Saruman's Orcs in Loflorian Forest, and Gandalf died fighting the Balrog in the Mines of Moria. The crew split up from Loflorian Forest and we start the movie from the Ring bearer's crew, Frodo and Sam. They continue their quest to get the One Ring to Mount Doom in Mordor, but are being stalked by Gollum (Andy Serkis, Clueless and the upcoming King Kong).
Gollum/Smeagol makes his entry into the Rings trilogy and tries to steal the One Ring from our Munchkin heroes. They kick his ass and treat him with great suspicion, yet they keep him around 'cuz he's the only person who (a) knows the way to Mount Doom and (b) he's the only person on their side...kind of... sort of...

With this in mind, they embark on a journey through Mordor and encounter cool bad guys like the Easterlings (whom I must admit, have the most beautiful armor by far) astride elephants getting put down by Gondorian rangers. The Gondorian Rangers are led by Faramir, Boromir's brother. Faramir(David Wenham, Van Helsing) immediately assumes the two Munchkins are spies for the bad guy and hold Munchkins and Gollum/Smeagol for questioning in Ranger HQ. Hope this pans out OK for them, but let's check on the other Munchkins, Merry and Pippin, shall we?

Last we checked they were being hauled off by Saruman's Orcs in the direction of Isengard, second of the Two Towers mentioned in the movie's title, the first being Sauron's dark tower in Mordor.
The Orcs stop to take a rest on the way there and discover little food to feed their company. Their attempt to eat Merry and Pippin is cut short when the Rohrim (mounted warrior patrols of the hilly land of Rohan) ride through their camp and butcher the Orcs. In the chaos, they escape into Fanggorn Forest and are saved from a straggler Orc by an Ent. Ents are big-ass tree things that have lived for untold millennia that can walk, move and talk. The Munchkins thank the Ent and ask if they could get a lift back to MunchkinLand. It says "SURE", tells them to get on his branches and introduces himself as Treebeard. These three travel towards MunchkinLand for most of the movie, only to turn around to go to Isengard to try and stop Saruman's army with the help of a whole gang of tree Ents.

Take into account that the Real RPG crew is still looking for them. Let's follow them, shall we?
Our crew of Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas were only hours behind the Orcs and find the remnants of the Orc camp and think the Munchkins are dead. Aragorn's tracking ability tells him that they left the scene of carnage alive and headed into Fangorn Forest. Gimli's spooked and Legolas knows why: Fanggorn is supposed to be haunted. They go in anyway and find no sign of the Munchkins-but they encounter a white light that disables their weapons. The white light reveals itself to be Gandalf, no longer Gandalf the Gray, but Gandalf the White. Here's why:
Gandalf fought the Balrog and defeated it, but passed out from the exhaustion. Then his mind went through a radical change and, in the best terms I can put it, he hit level 99. I'm beginning to see that Gandalf's adventures without the Fellowship of Nine are a lot more interesting, if only due to his skill for understatement. Moving on...

Gandalf joins the crew and the RPG has met its quota for members: archer, swordsman, axe-user, mage; human, elf and dwarf. Gandalf summoned Shadowfax-the lord of all horses-and they make their way to the hillock town of Edoras and make contact with King Theodin(Bernard Hill, The Scorpion King). Unfortunately, King Theodin is not himself.
King Theodin has an advisor working with him called Grimas Wormtongue(Brad Dourif, Child's Play). A slimy, dark fellow, Wormtongue is also an agent of Saruman the White. He is the reason why Theodin isn't himself. In this twisted state, Theodin sends away Eomer(Karl Urban, The Bourne Supremacy, The Chronicles of Riddick), leader of the Rohrim, who has gotten too close to the truth. Eowyn(Miranda Otto, The Thin Red Line), Theodin's niece and a Shieldmaiden of Rohan, is visibly strained between caring for her dying cousin Eothain, brother Eomer's banishment, and the advances of Wormtongue. Naturally, she asks Theodin to reconsider...but he's forgotten her as a result of the spell placed on him by Wormtongue. (With so much use of names starting with "EO", I wonder if Michael Jackson's title character from the Epcot Center attraction "Captaion EO" is feeling left out.)

Per the convention of deus ex machina, in comes the RPG crew. The rest of the scene resembles a ballroom blitz while Gandalf makes moves to remove the spell from King Theodin. Successful in his exorcism, Theodin changes appearance and has no idea of what has happened in his supposed absence--including the death of his son.

After some mourning, Theodin is told of the situation with the advancing armies of Saruman and Sauron. The crew advises that Theodin evacuate the town and get them to safety. Theodin's not too keen on running, but it'll have to do for now. The RPG crew splits again with Gandalf gone to find the Rohrim(saying "look for me on the third day" and stuff. Who is he, Jesus?) and Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli helping out Theodin as he leads his people across the plains of Rohan. While crossing the plains, they get jumped by Orcs mounted on top of large mountain cats. A grisly gambit ensues with many of Theodin's men falling and Aragorn missing in action, due to a fall off of a cliff into the raging river below. With sadness in their hearts, they move on and get to Helm's Deep.
Helm's Deep is a gloomy citadel built into the existing mountain crevasse that's a sound point when defending--what the hell, you'll get that when we get to what you already saw in the commercial. Let's check on Sam, Frodo and Gollum(now the good Smeagol) in their travels.

Yep, still in the clutches of Faramir and the Gondorian Ranger, they bide their time and let Faramir know that the One Ring is evil and was the indirect cause of brother Boromir's death. Like a dumbass, he still doesn't believe and carts them along to Gondor with him in hopes of gaining some recognition from his father who sees only his eldest son in the proper light. When they get to Gondor, all hell has come to their backyard. Lots and lots of arrow battles reminiscent of urban battle scenes from movies set in World War II Europe. It doesn't take long for Frodo to start answering the call of the One Ring and wanting to do stuff. Sam's there to stop him, but Frodo flips out as Sam grabs him like he was gonna take the Ring. This is where shit gets hairy - and Frodo holds Sam at knifepoint with Sting. Sam reminds him of something and Frodo comes back. These words also touch Faramir and he lets all three characters go off to reclaim their mission to get the One Ring to the volcanic Mt. Doom to destroy it.

**whew**
Y'know, I have realized that all I've been doing is recounting the Two Towers movie over from my point of view. I did the same with Fellowship, but with fewer words. I think it's because I saw Fellowship three times. I've only seen Two Towers once. That may change once I get paid. In the event that I don't get paid in time to see Two Towers before it leaves theaters, I'll just give a brief synopsis of Helm's Deep. So you know, Helm's Deep is the bread and butter of the commercials for LOTR: Two Towers. It's also the jump-off point in most of the video games made for the movie and the reason most people went to go see the movie in the first place. In this short form, you'll miss many comedic moments that made this battle palatable despite its gore. So without any further talking about the scene, here's its short form.

The RPG crew, sans Aragorn, arrives @ Helm's Deep with the refugees. The townspeople who came with them are put to work fortifying the citadel. Aragorn shows up after washing up from the river and coming in broken on a horse. He gets well and soon suits up for the big battle ahead. Saruman's orcs are on the march also.
Before the big battle, Theoden knows he is doomed because he doesn't have enough people to hold against the orcish horde. As if to answer unspoken prayers, a Loflorian archer regiment shows up to assist. Hooray. Then comes the hour of battle with the minons of the White Hand and the Dark Eye.
Thousands of orcs line up and are ready to storm Helm's Deep and attempt to do so when an errant arrow from the Helm's Deep side strikes an orc. The orcs roll out their siege ladders and try to approach the walls. Carnage on the walls, yet they hold. The orcs try to break down the door to the citadel with their battering ram. The door breaks, but soldiers on the inside hold them off. Carnage at the door, yet they hold. Helm's Deep has a weak point. Just like the Death Star in Star Wars, there's a sewage tunnel (exhaust shaft) that is the only point in the wall's structure vulnerable to attack. The orcs try that next with a suicide bomber and they succeed at bringing down the wall (Death Star). Countless fighters are thrown from the battlements and Aragorn with them. He regroups whatever elves are left to fend off the orcs that are coming through the breach and then goes to help Theoden man the gate. That doesn't work out; so Theoden wants all of his people to head further back into the caves that are part of Helm's Deep. As he does this, he truly knows he is doomed yet again-this time for real. He lets Aragorn and the RPG crew that he's "goin' down swingin' like a real man". This is cool with Aragorn, because it 's the Third Day. From atop the surrounding ridge, Gandalf and the Rohrim cavalry ride into the orc ranks with a Level 5 Bless spell on the entire squad. The orcs were like "HUH?" and died. Routing them as they did, Eowyn comes out to fawn over Aragorn some more and everyone is hunky-dory. Everyone except Saruman.

Saruman could have made more orcs, but was under siege from Treebeard and his Ents. These tree-people had come to wreck shop on Saruman's production facility due to its frequent environmental violations. They stomped cave trolls, threw rocks at the tower and ultimately broke the dam that held a river from flowing into the valley where Orthanc tower stood. It was a free for all for the Ents, with the mission completed and suffering absolutely no casualties. Hooray.

So all the climactic stuff is done and the movie (and review) should be over... it's not.

The movie catches up with Frodo and Sam as they travel with Gollum to Mt. Doom. Frodo and Sam discuss whether they'll be remembered for what they did to save Middle Earth and its people, if the stories will stand the test of time and who'll be mentioned over all others. Gollum/Smeagle, who went ahead to scout, has been so well behaved up until this particular point. He reverted completely to Gollum and has an idea on how to wrest the One Ring, his Precious, from the Munchkins. He dare not steal from or hurt Master Frodo and Master Sam, but she would. Who "she" is, we'll have to see as these three march further into the dark interior of Mordor in the final scene of this movie.