Queen Gedren(Sandahl Bergman, Conan the Barbarian, Hell Comes to Frogtown), the namesake of the Draconian mascot for this website, attacks a monastery and steals the item it guarded called the Talisman. The Talisman is the wrong name for this item; if you wear this talisman, you'll strain your neck and get a hernia. The Talisman is a weapon capable of destroying cities in "fire and earthquake"(not my words, folks). The only catch to posessing the Talisman is that it can only be touched by a woman; hence all the female warrior-monks and high priestesses who guarded the item. Only one high priestess escaped the beseiged temple, but not before she caught an arrow in her back. As she lay dying, the warrior-priest Kalidor (Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Terminator Trilogy, Conan the Barbarian) who was scheduled to be there for the Talisman ceremony, arrived just in time to hear her final extended monologue. After she died and he disposed of her body, Kalidor followed her instructions to deliver news of her death to her sister, Red Sonja.

Cover of Marvel Comics' Red Sonja #1

Kalidor heads out and finds Red Sonja(Brigitte Nielsen, in her screen debut). Upon learning about her estranged sister, she rides alongside Kalidor in search of the Talisman and revenge. In their travels, they meet up with--and save--the dethroned Prince Tarn(young Ernie Reyes, Jr., Berry Gordy's The Last Dragon, Surf Ninjas) of Haplok and his manservant/bodyguard Falkon(Paul Smith, David Lynch's Dune and Popeye). Haplok was destroyed by Queen Gedren's evil use of the Talisman, so the four heroes have a common goal and ride off to avenge themselves and the countless lives ended by Queen Gedren's hands. In their travels they cross hill and valley, fighting countless dangers on their way to Queen Gedren's castle in the Land of Perpetual Night. All the while, Kalidor works on breaking down Sonja's persistent man-hating ways through lengthy "sword sparring sessions" that leave them both sweaty.

Ultimately, it all comes down to the perils at hand--

WILL Red Sonja have Her Revenge?
WILL the Talisman be restored?
WILL Kalidor turn Sonja on to other phallic-shaped objects?

Until any of these are completed, their effort shall be all for naught.

• The Music. It really works for this movie.
  
• Schwarzenegger as Kalidor. We all know who he's supposed to be, so just go with the alias.
  
• Ernie Reyes, Jr. The boy is talented. He needs more work. Look for him in the movie The Rundown starring Christopher Walken, Seann William Scott and the Rock!
  
• The Land of Perpetual Night. Damn if that name doesn't sound cool.
  
• The dragon-bone bridge leading to Bregonnas, the Land of Perpetual Night. It's so frickin' cool and definitely needs to be an RPG staple.
  
• Who knew that Queen Gedren was a stone-cold dyke from jump? Not me�
  
• All the fight scenes. And the subsequent beheadings.

PRICELESS QUOTES:
Red Sonja giving advice to Falkon about Prince Tarn:

" Falkon, may I give you a word of advice? Put him over your knee and beat some manners into him."

Red Sonja and Kalidor spout more sexual innuendo:

No man may have me, unless he's beaten me in a fair fight.
So, the only man that can have you, is one who's trying to kill you. That's logic.

If you yield only to a conqueror, then prepared to be conquered.
Don't be a fool, I don't want to kill you.
Try it.

This is another one of those movies which I saw over and over growing up. I always enjoy every moment of the show, and I think this explains why I like red-headed chicks sometimes. This movie has great things going for it and the special effects still have my attention to this very day. This movie gets a rating of 8.