A-kun's Forward: This originally began as a solo project where I was going to analyze various magical girls and make a guide aimed at making a BETTER magical girl out of them. Then, TharzZzDunN walked in while I was reading a part aloud (I do this every so often when I think I might have botched the flow of the story (note to self: do more often and also, don't bold-face mistakes or self-notes)), and made a comment that got me laughing. Then, I scraped that idea and we began making a list of how bad things might be for a senshi. But then, while we were making up ideas, C-chan came in. After finding out what we were doing, she suggested that I keep the guide format (to give it an angle to work from) and we settled into making things that would get us giggling, groaning, laughing, wincing or just simply shaking our heads at the WRONGNESS. Some parts were inspired, others were comments towards a specific series that one of us had read, and the rest were our insane cacklings.

Please note that this is a JOKE, people!

Official Intro: All senshi have good and bad sides. Okay, some do. A few do. But, one thing is universal. None of them really get a handy-dandy guide to being a Senshi, or even know what is to be expected of them. They do their best, but, honestly, sometimes it just helps to have a helping hand. But, since this is text, my friends and I have constructed this:

p.s. it gets off topic REALLY F@#KING FAST!

A-kun's Extra Note: If you don't understand, look at anime featuring Senshi/Magical Girls.

Chapter 1

Every Senshi has a few off days. Here's how to tell when you're having an overwhelmingly off day.

...when you look out the window to see the four horseman (1), hungover and puking all over your lawn.

...when you're a gender-changing senshi and the transformation forgets to change your gender before putting the fuku on you.

...when your initial transformation requires you to "bend over" as your magical advisor snaps on some rubber gloves.

...when the power goes out, people are constantly turning to stone or changing to a solid blue then reverting to normal.(2)

...when you look out the window to see some Dark Kingdom Youma, hungover and puking all over your lawn.

...when angsty music plays throughout the entire scene.(3)

...when your current nemesis _and_ his or her minions are upchucking all over your car _AND_ lawn.

...when your cat eats and chokes to death on your goldfish; your dog gets hit by a low- flying F-16 (HOW LOW WAS IT FLYING?!); your advisor is floating belly up in your room; your parents are without irises, pupils or even the whites of their eyes, as they chant Cthulhu's (or Hastur's) name; your best friend was sold to Area 88; your significant other has begun to act like or actually IS Lynn Minmei; and your teacher tells you that you've got three thirty page writing projects to do in the next six days and both your arms are in casts!
Corrolary: You're told the Apocalypse will occur the day after you turn your writing projects in. And that's why the four horsemen are upchucking on your lawn. (They're trying to sober up in time)

...when you're heading off to fight the Hentai Tentacle King and there's no mosaic.(4)

...when the best plan your arch-nemesis can come up with is to drive past your house late at night and egg it.

Chapter 2

Sometimes, your moody advisor gets so annoyed, they forget to add sarcasm in their voices. Or sometimes, you just don't hear the sarcasm. Here's how to know when you truly are doing GOOD.

...when cute puppies bark, adorable kittens purr and the sun is shining.

...if nowhere in your team names' is the word 'dogmeat.'

...when you provide plenty of wholesome fanservice and gratuitous panty shots, forcing the perverts to stay home and compulsively tape your news segments, thus preventing them from running for public office.

...when your boots appear on the RIGHT feet during transformation.

...when you can do more than give the youma a paper cut...unless said paper cut is TEN FEET LONG! (on a two foot tall youma, that'd be lethal!)

...when the Youma taunts you, you remember all those self-help books about believing in yourself, and you go to your happy place, remembering that you are a good person and you're friendly and... (5)

...when the maximum collateral damage done to any part of the city is lower than six digits (including the change!).

...when the mayor calls you and your fellow senshi a credit to young citizens everywhere!

...when your animal advisor has a nifty name like "Sparkles" or "Zippy" or "Nappy".

...when none of your senshi titles, attack names or attack effects can be consider innuendo. (Starlights, this means YOU!)

...when you manage to go six seasons without a hentai doujinshi starting up about you or your teammates.

...when your kamen appears, there isn't a need for a censorship bar covering 70% of his body.

...when your enemy tricks you into transforming with your outfit on backwards, 'cause "It's Wednesday and everyone knows Wednesday is Backwards Day.", but you STILL win.

...when someone on your team finally states the blantantly obvious: "You know, Pantyhose Tarou is just a pissy son of a b*+ch." (It's TRUE!)

...when you never hear rap music, heavy metal or Muzak in the background.

...when your future daughter DOESN'T call you something stupid. ("You got it, Moon Momma!")

Chapter 3

How to know that perhaps your advisor wasn't just being mean when it said that you suck or that you're a "Bad Luck Charm".

...when you walk out of the house and the sky fills with flaming tears of annihilation.

...when after you get it back from the closet where the kittens were born on it, you sniff your uniform and say, "clean enough."

...when your entire _series_ soundtrack is comprised of Metallica (particularly "Unforgiven" and "The God That Failed"), System Of A Down ("Chop Suey"), Limp Bizkit ("Break Stuff"), Linkin Park ("Numb", "Crawling"), or similar songs. (Gee, doesn't sound like you're going to be rescuing puppies from trees.)

...when your every appearance is heralded by either: A) hails of hot lead flying in your general direction or B) the screams and wails of the damned as innocent bystanders slit their own throats or C) quadrupling of the amount of life insurance carried by your neighbors.

...when the death toll of humans (or whatever species you're supposed to be protecting) outweighs the death toll of Youma by a factor of 160000:1.

...when your first level attack involves the word "Nuclear" or "Annihilation" or "Genocide" or all three. (this means YOU, Majin Buu!)

...when any word for male/female reproductive anatomy appears in your attack's name. (Again, this means YOU, Starlights!)

...when your entire attack name is merely the recounting of the act of intercourse.

...when you forget to slap that whiny brat of yours who time-travelled back into the past to see you/kill you.

...when your boots appear on the SAME FOOT during transformation.

...when your enemy tricks you into transforming with your outfit on backwards, 'cause "It's Wednesday and everyone knows Wednesday is Backwards Day." (because you're still an idiot.)

...when the Youma taunts you, everyone in a five mile radius winds up using it as a spitoon. (It would make a better tea cup, you fool.)

...when the total collateral damage of your daily battle with a minor youma qualifies the city for federal disaster relief, AGAIN!!

...when the Youma taunts you, it begins shrieking in surprise as it can feel you pulling its intestines out through its nose!

...when you hear that the total collateral damage of your daily battle with a minor youma reaches the fifteenth digit mark and you pout, because you should've attacked that orphanage when you had the chance!

...when the Youma taunts you, you taunt it back! "OOOSHA!" "DOSHITA DOSHITA?" "YOYUZE!" "AAAAH, OYAJIII!!"

...when your reflexive action upon seeing a new store or amusement park is to call down a "Tactical Giga Fire Wave!", purging it from existence. The same goes for that mysterious girl who moves in down the block! And that handsome boy who transfers into your class! Because you're tutored at home, fer christs sake!?!

...when the first and foremost attack you are given annihilates the continent you are on.

...when your fellow senshi giggle over what rhymes with your senshi title.

...when your animal advisor is named things like "Barfamus" of "Queef" or "Stain" or "Mr. Winkles" or "Worthless Sack of S#!t" or "Bloody Gash In My @$$" or "CK1" or "Worm Master B" or "VD" or "Ringworm" or "Hemingway" by either their mothers or by you.

...when your animal advisor usually wakes you by having sex with _something_ on your bed, and you have no idea what 'it' is!

...when you require a lead lined suit to survive being 'powered up'!

...when you hear your advisor utter the words, "Okay, attach _this_ to your genitals!"

...when a level 1 attack requires eight hours of setup time, thus allowing you to catch a nap while your teammates get the crap kicked out of them!

...when the first thing you see every morning is a red robed cultist waving a pendulum before your eyes while muttering, "You are a senshi, you are not Cthulhu, you will not breed with Jodi Foster ever again..." (6)

...when, after you've transformed, you are told your destiny lies in [_TOKYO_] and that you are [_THE ONE_]. And you're Sailor Pimpmeister.(7)

...when your advisor flies away and they're a GRUB WORM!

...when you can't identify your advisor's primary origin species.

...when you can't tell where your advisor's scales begin and where the fungus starts.

...when your animal advisor's name involves the name of a major fast food chain and a noun for a form of marine life.

...when your animal advisor is more powerful than the galaxy annihilating monsters and you can't even use your powers to start a blender.

...when your primary senshi abilities revolve around the basic concepts of extortion and murder!

...when your transformation requires you to suck all the blood/life force from a living creature turning it into your zombie slave!

...when your powers are based on something your animal advisor saw in a movie once, but it was one that it didn't pay much attention to, because it was watching some kids make out.

...when your powers were received from a glowing green rock which fell from the sky that later threatens to devour the city.

...when the transformation sequence requires you to smoke some ganja before some tequila shooters, followed by doing some coke, _THEN_ it spits you out in front of the monster, nude.

...when Shubniggoroth calls you up to exchange make-up tips.

...when any of the following joins your "team". Sailor SI, Sailor Oscar, Sailor Saiyanjinjin, Sailor Ifurita, Sailor Squirrel, Sailor 'Nibble ya bum', Sailor Sephiroth, Sailor Paper Cut, Sailor Staple Remover, Sailor Change-Machine, Sailor Ashtray, Sailor Butterknife of Singularity, Sailor Ayanami, Sailor Groin-Pull, Sailor Hernia, Sailor Maytag, Sailor Microsoft, Sailor TRaSh-80s, Sailor Applecore, Sailor Spielberg, Sailor Sailor, Sailor Belldandy, and/or Sailor Moose.

...when any of your power-up items involve the words: 'inflatable', 'strap-on', 'self- inking', 'ribbed', 'reservoir', 'one size fits all', 'clamps', 'latex', 'pre-lubricated', 'variable speed', 'flesh-toned', 'assembly required', 'AA batteries needed', 'realisitc hair', 'glows in the dark', 'rum flavored', 'contents may settle', 'return unused portion for refund', 'box lunch', 'from the makers of South Park', 'endorsed by Matt Groening', 'kung-fu grip', 'from the makers of the Barbie Detective Game', 'The Pirates of Smugglers Cove', 'accessories sold separately', 'box may not contain actual product', '100 to 1 scale', 'version X.0', 'lower arm to groin and raise to chest-level to hear Tarzan's cry', or 'made and rejected by the Girl Scouts of America'.

...when your animal advisor or mentor ever uses the words, "PACIFIST CRUSH!" or "GOOD WILL TOWARDS MANKIND CHOKESLAM!" or "FRIENDLY NEGOTIATIONS BEAT DOWN!"

...when your background music involves any song by Pink Floyd.

...when neither you or your animal advisor can remember or pronounce the name of your opponent, "Tharkkorzog? Thirsted Dunn? T-kun? Three yaks and a dog?"

...when a six year old beats up your opponent with anything from Tyco or Nerf...that's totally unenchanted.

...when you and your team get invited to the Grammy's, and you end the night with a shoot out with Mariah Carey! And you not only lose half the team to 'N'Sync, but you find yourself engaged to Bass Lehrman (I don't care if that's how it's spelled or not, he sucks. - A-kun).

...when you find out your enemies have Jim Carrey as an image consultant. Can you say "Butt-Cam"?

...when managing to go six hours without a hentai doujinshi starting up about you or your teammates is actually an accomplishment.
1st Corollary: The doujinshi sells very poorly because News footage is more than enough to satisfy most people's desire to see hot girl-on-girl action.
2nd Corollary: When anyone who is at the scene dies... of nosebleeds. And some weren't even attracted to you, your teammates or your foes.

...when your baby brother helps you find and go through your enemy's fortress of "explicitly painful death from hangnails" without losing a single team member.

...when there's a fifteen year difference between you and your kamen and it's not it in the right direction! (Sailor Moon: Huh? I'm nineteen now, so... ACK! He's FOUR?!)
Corollary: You're still considering him as a serious dating option. (Sailor Moon: Hmmm, how would he look in a tux taking me to the prom?)

...when your incredibly STUPID advisor declares that you shouldn't have your ultra-cool level 4 attack for the first engagement and subsequently takes that power away from you until further notice.

...when, at any time during the battle with an incredibly strong general, you or someone on your team squeaks the word, "oopsie" or "uh-oh" or "Bob Sagat will love this" or "oh f**k".

...when on the eve of battle with your greatest foe yet, instead of a stirring speech, your advisor tells you "Smoke 'em if you got 'em, people. This may be the last time."

...when on the eve of battle with your greatest foe yet, instead of a stirring speech, your advisor says, "So long, suckers!" and skips town.

...when your best friend gets a shorter death spiel than that arrogant bunghole of a general that you were allowed to defeat, who actually had been removed because of the poor ratings he/she had brought in.

...when, thanks to your uniform, it is completely impossible for you to sneak about.

...when Nav can use a lightbulb and an extension cord to deflect your attack before using said lightbulb to kill you.

...when your enemy takes up a nickname like "Stone Cold" or "Goldberg" and lives up to it.

...when you are forced to "SURRENDER TO THE POWER OF G.O.R.F."

...when your Kamen uses the all-mighty NUT PUNCH! And you have the VIAGRA SLAVE! (8)

...when half or more of your team is taken down by the unmoving, yet alive, Youma Nerf Ball.

...when over half your team is put into the hospital by an ordinary Lawn Gnome.

...when your entire team is forced to check in with their parole officer every eight hours.

...when this conversation ever appears between any member of your team and a police officer:
Sailor Love: "I didn't mean to."
Officer: "DIDN'T _MEAN_ TO?! YOU SNAPPED HIS SPINE IN HALF!"
Sailor Love: "It was an accident."
Officer: "And what about the other thirty-nine people you gutted?!"
Sailor Love: "Ummmm, reflex?"
Officer: "AND _THIS_?!"
Sailor Love: "Ummmmmmmm, flashback to prom?"
Officer: "Good gawd, girl, you're not joining the Marine Corps, are you?"
Marine Recruiter: "We hire only the best, and you can start as a drill sergeant tomorrow morning, with triple pay grade and double the vacation."
Sailor Love: "'kay! That sounds like fun!"

...when you can't transform, on account that you can in no way, shape or form whatsoever live up to any of these titles, "Sailor Kindness", "Sailor Gentle", "Sailor Purity", "Sailor Non-Violent", "Sailor Knitting", "Sailor Aid-All-In-Trouble", "Sailor Drug-Free", "Sailor Nun", "Sailor Monogamy", "Sailor Truth", "Sailor Won't-Tattle", or "Sailor Upstanding Citizen".

...when you take a purity test, and YOU FAIL. And you're supposed to be either "Sailor Purity" or "Sailor Clean Living".

...when your battle cry has more expletives than two weeks worth of WWF Raw.

...when horses, dogs, cats, Tentacle Beasts, humans, and six different types of marine lifeforms shriek and run away as fast as they can when you leap in to help out. And it isn't in fear of you killing them.

...if your morning routine includes "a little hair of the dog that bit you".

...when you have embarrassing five o'clock shadow and the other girls start to notice... in battle.

...when you're saved by a camel in a tuxedo, rather than some dashing and mysterious person like Tuxedo Kamen.

...when your advisor asks you, "Must you gymble so loudly?"

...when your main nemesis is an SI character because no one else is weak enough for you.

...when you're more focused on destroying things than the monsters are.

...when the SI REFUSES to sleep with your character.

...when the SI gladly agrees to sleep with your character and your character wasn't offering.

...when your character is dubbed "Most Likely To Be Hiding A Dominatrix Outfit In Their Closet", six years running.

...when the youma beats up a fellow teammate and your teammate cries, "AGAIN, DADDY!"
1st Corrolary: And the youma immediately pays for therapy.
2nd Corrolary: And you are thankful because you needed it after hearing that.

...if you ever spout this line, "OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH!" while twirling a ribbon, scattering rose petals everywhere while prancing around in a tiny leotard.

...when your name means, "Mean Mothah Fu-"
"Hush yo mouth."
"Just talking about Serena."
"Oooh, yeah!"

...when the monsters have to fight to protect the city YOU'RE supposed to be protecting.

...when you constantly fireball your fellow senshi for calling you a, "Flat-chested sorceress with no looks or stage etiquette."

...when the fanfic you're in is affectionately referred to as, "Oscar reborn" or "the next Stephen Ratliff" or even "Gontermann, gone slightly sane and having gained some social etiquette!"(9)

...when an SI changes into a wolf, does the nasty with you, then calls it "WAFF" instead of "Bestiality" or even "Lime".

...when your opponents use nothing but skeletons and instead of throwing heavy furniture or something like that to bust them up, your team has to use ineffective attacks, thus allowing new characters to be introduced in a manner that was considered "Original" eight years before your author began writing.

...when not even the local all-knowing deity or omnipotent SI can follow the continuity, even a little.

...when you're losing the fight to Hentai Tentacle King!
Corollary: And you're losing on purpose!

...when your kamen tells you, "Gawd, that smells like some pickles and eggs. Maybe they were waiting in your butt, ready to jump out."

Chapter 4

Sometimes, you'll get into situations that not even the most vengeful of gods and goddesses could possibly arrange. While we can't help, we CAN offer some sympathy.

...when you get yet ANOTHER Sailor Earth on your team, or worse, Sailor Sun, both which would ignore the older names of Earth (Terra Firma, Gaea, Gaia) and the Sun (Sol).

...when Sailor Earth suddenly becomes the team leader for no explicable reason.

...when Sailor Earth doesn't even have any attacks related to Earth.

...when, despite putting in a new character, the author or authoress STILL decides to make a blatant insertion.

...if A-kun writes your fanfic. (HEY! - A-kun)
Corrolary: ...because it'll never be finished! (HEY! - A-kun)

...when your fanfic manages to somehow start a mini-thread on whether or not an Evangelion can successfully use a Hiryuu Shoten Ha on an Angel. And you made no references to Evangelion, since you're writing a Sailor Moon/Pretty Sammy/Serial Experiment Lain fanfic.

...when the fanfic you're from is based on a lame video and it pretty much follows the same plot, despite the fact that people say or do different things, so your author has to make an explanation that everything that happened to make the events go in the same direction happened off-screen or make a two sentence explanation in-between scenes.

...if you exist in the Magical Girl Hunter universe. (see Improfanfic)

...when, despite your appearance in the fic, your author still writes the entire original storyline, you merely prompting earlier or faster action.

...when an SI brushes you aside, declaring that, "You have no knowledge of such things" or "I have a very important meeting to attend to, one far more important than YOUR very important meeting." or even "I've got ten times the sexual appeal you do, and I'm a GUY! (from Michigan - Wuv FartsssDunE)"

...when your team's brainiac is "0ut-witt3d" by the SI, who somehow is "fifty thousand times more smarterer than even you smartly alley".

...when your most deadly foe is effectively swatted aside by the new character in favor of much tougher foes, who you are no match for, and thus you will require the new character's aid to defeat every single one.

...if A-kun explains where your powers come from.

...if TharzZzDunN is your magical advisor. (mweh heh heh)

...if you are told to "Save every so often, we don't want to lose an entire chapter." and you're supposed to be IN the story.

...when your nemesis wins the 58.7 million dollar lottery and hires some goons to "rough ya up" before hiring people to "take you out".
Corrolary: ...so, you're given a professional trainer and taken on a date with a super model. (...which confuses the hell out of Ms. Tsukino as she doesn't SHOP at Victoria's Secret. - Picky ParusssN00B)

...when your mother/best friend keeps muttering something about "Vicious cannibal penguins... check.", then peeping at you in the shower, before chortling evilly.

...when the person to uncover your secret identity is from the National Enquirer. On the bright side, no one'll believe them and maybe you can get a book deal out of it or a movie of the week.

...when you're put into the timeline, then the author/authoress decides that they don't like you. (Can you say: "Chances of survival equal to fish in a full barrel when targeted with a Planet Destroying Omega Weapon?")

...when you're fighting the Hentai Tentacle King!
1st Corollary: And you've been told to throw the fight... by your advisor!
2nd Corollary: You don't wanna lose, but you're losing anyway!

Chapter 5

Sometimes your annoying advisor finds something out and keeps it a secret. Here are some ways to get the secret without being worse than your enemies.

Find out your advisor's favorite food. Secretly stock up as much as you can, then when they get one of those secrets, lock them in a closet or in the basement and put the stocked up foodstuff on the other side with you between it and the door (just in case they break out). If just the mentioning of it isn't enough, then eat some yourself (make sure you actually can tolerate it before doing this). If you can't or won't eat it, then try and make it tempting.

If they're a feline, then catnip will usually work, no matter what.

If their favorite food isn't enough, then try something that you've seen them obsess over. Like Reader's Digest, PlayCat, or even Sports Illustrated.

If all else fails, beat your advisor mercilessly. Let's face it. Your enemy would've done worse to them anyway.

Chapter 6

Sometimes, you aren't focused on something, so mentioning it is rather stupid. If all the bad guys have done so far when you arrive is spill some kid's soda, then don't bother making an entire speech around that single incident. That's not weird, that's just stupid. Come on, do you know how stupid it is to say something like, "Spilling the drinks of little kids is unforgiveable! Drinks are meant for drinking, not spilling! In the name of the moon, I will punish you!"

...when you make a speech involving making love to a gorilla (or Guerilla).

...when the brainy member of your team slaps you upside the head.

...when you declare that following the law is against the law!

...if you ever state, "You're doing evil and that's really evil!" (so again strikes the department of redundancy department which has struck again, for it has struck again and it is a department and it is redundant, so therefore it is the redundant department which has struck once more, but they only attacked once.)

...if your average speeches run approximately eighteen hours, fifty-five minutes, and twenty-three seconds.

...when the person you consider to be the "babbler" tells you, "SHUT UP AND GET TO THE POINT!"

...if you spend more time trying to figure out what you just said than actually saying it.

...when Sailor Moon or Tuxedo Kamen tells you, "Gods, at least make SENSE when you talk!"

...when the DUBBED (or DiCed) Sailor Moon or Tuxedo Mask tells you, "Look, THINK before you talk."

...when you break out into song and dance, ala. Purple Rain, Rocky Horror Picture Show or Newsies.

...when you start singing "Moon Revenge" (end song to Sailor Moon: The Movie R) during the romantic scenes.
Corrolary: ...when you bellow it throughout someone else's romantic scenes.

...if no one on your team carries a hammer, sledge or otherwise, and you still sing Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer" for no particular reason.
Corrolary: ...while crotch chopping.

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1 - The four horseman of the Apocalypse. (Return)

2 - Any cut scene when they focus on one character who is in full color while everyone else is depicted in black and (usually) grey. (Return)

3 - Like, how could you NOT notice that? (Return)

4 - If you're wondering, a mosiac is either a blurred out area (like a criminal's face on COPS) or an area covered with a black censor bar (like in commercials for "Girls Gone Wild") (Return)

5 - Thereby letting the youma escape and dragging the series out for several more episodes. (Return)

6 - A reference to a work by Improfanfic. (Return)

7 - This is a reference to X/1999. Not explicitly magical girl, but follows a similar formula. (Return)

8 - This is a reference to Nut Punch Kamen, which A-kun contributed two chapters to, one which resurrected it and another that killed it. (Return)

9 - Nav, Gontermann, Ratliff and Oscar are all notoriously BAD writers. You can find some of their worst at SVAM. (Return)

1 - The four horseman of the Apocalypse.Return

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