[Title: Silent Hill] [Sub-Title: The Alpha-Omega-Nadir-Zenith-Code Veronica Dance- Death Reborn Revolution Dual Shock Championship/Greatest Hits Edition P] [Chapter 1] [A-kun's Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Silent Hill copyrights or reservations. I only own Silent Hill 1, because I'm so very, very poor. I _DO_ however, own this parody/mockery and all new characters introduced within. I also hold the right to change certain characters as I see fit, so nyah!] [Break:=== denotes end of story or intro] [ [---] denotes end of scene] [Key: [ ] denotes action] [ ( ) denotes inane author interjections] [ // // denotes telepathy] [ () denotes footnotes] [ % % denotes singing] [ < > denotes sound effects] [Setting: This takes places during Silent Hill 1 _AND_ 2.] [SPOILER WARNING: If you haven't at least played Silent Hill 1, you'll ruin a lot of things for yourself. Not to mention, you probably won't know what most of these characters look like. But, if you're like me, you don't care and you'll ignore this in favor of amusing yourself.] ======================================================================= [Just outside of the town of Brahms, heading towards the sleepy town of Silent Hill, the main beautiful blonde heroine, Cerl Togashi, (1) was humming along to Metallica's "God That Failed" that she illegally downloaded from Napster before its crash, as she drove down the road in her fully-stocked SUV.] Cerl Togashi: [Singing... badly] %FOR... THE... GOD-THAT-FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLED!% [Cerl wasn't really paying much attention to the road ahead of her, as a pile of her illegally-downloaded music CDs, which had been resting perfectly in the passenger seat, suddenly toppled to the floor. She leaned over and began to pick them up, peeking up every other CD to check to make sure she was still on the road. (2)] [Much to any onlookers dismay, her right foot, out of pure reflex, kept gunning the engine whenever she leaned over. Not to mention she was weaving violently all over the road for things that weren't of any value (seeing as they were illegally downloaded).] [Suddenly, she heard her SUV hit something, causing her to sit upright and finally ignore her illegal music CDs. She stopped as quickly as she could and looked into her mirror, seeing a fallen form on the road.] Cerl: [calling back] ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? Figure: [groaning] yeah, I guess so... Cerl: [thinking for a few seconds, then calling back] CAN YOU MAKE OUT MY LICENSE PLATE NUMBER? [A few seconds passed.] Figure: Yeah... [Cerl threw her SUV into reverse and ran over the figure, then slid it back into drive and ran over it again. She repeated the process eight times, making sure that the pool of blood on the ground was roughly six pints' worth before continuing on.] Cerl: [thinking] As my pappy always said, "It's cheaper to pay death benefits than hospital bills." (3) [She slid her Metallica CD out of her stolen CD player and put in her illegal Weird Al Yankovic CD and skipped it to the second song.] Cerl: [singing along again... badly] %Eeeeeevery thing you know is wrong...% [Meanwhile, the figure watched the SUV leave and managed one final word.] Figure: ...bitch...-* [---] [Harry Mason and his daughter Cheryl were calmly driving to Silent Hill a few miles ahead of Cerl (who had started much further behind the two, but, thanks to her erratic speeding, had managed to close that gap). Harry noticed a police motorcycle behind him. He glanced at the driver as the female officer drove past him and sped away.] Harry: [thinking] I wonder what's wrong? [A few miles later, Harry noticed the officer's now-burning bike had crashed into the side of the cliff, but there was no sign of the officer. Harry rubber-necked a few seconds too long and as his eyes returned to the road, he saw a girl in her early-to-mid teens wearing a blue dress standing in the middle of the road. She raised her arms in panic as Harry slammed on his brakes and swerved hard to try and miss the girl.] (4) [His car slammed into a street light, his head hitting the horn just as he passed out. The horn would spend the next few hours relentlessly projecting Mexican Salsa dance music throughout the mountain range while the front tires began to bounce up and down. The light from the burning bike allowed any onlookers to see two bumper stickers on the back bumper. The first read "If this truck's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'" and the other read, "No FAT chicks".] [Cerl, not more than a minute behind Harry, saw the same girl at about the same position, but didn't react like Harry did. After all, she'd already killed someone on the road and it was the stupid girl's fault for standing in the middle of the road at night anyway.] [However, the girl seemed to take offense at Cerl's blaise attitude towards someone on the road and simply stood there, as if daunting Cerl to run her over. The girl didn't know that Cerl had never lost a game of 'Chicken' in her life.] [Unfortunately for Cerl, the girl was apparently like a thick oak tree. Firm, resolute, and devastating to any motor vehicle that slammed into it going 68 MPH. (5)] Cerl: [thinking as she flew through her windshield headfirst with a bored look on her face, as if she'd expected that to happen (6)] At least by getting thrown clear, I won't burn to death. Still, I wish I'd worn my seatbelt. [Cerl caught a glimpse of the steering wheel punching through the driver's seat] Then again, maybe not. [That was all Cerl managed to do before she slammed into the ground and passed out, just as the SUV somehow managed to roll over and explode.] [---] [Cerl awoke with an incredible pressure on her stomach. She groaned and raised her head, curling her body until-] Cerl: WHEE-OOOH! That once felt REAL nice. [sniffs] OOOH! NASTY! Jeez, I think that might be lethal to children and small pets. [Nearby, a bird drops dead.] Cerl: I knew it. Whelp, killed off some of the wildlife, time to go. [Cerl stood up, then paused as she noticed something was wrong. She was sure she'd been thrown from her stolen SUV. But, no glass was on the ground, her SUV was nowhere in sight, and she didn't even have a scuffed elbow, torn clothing or even mussed hair.] Cerl: [confused] What the nut-biting hell? I'm not exactly the sort of person who'd warrant a miracle... [she paused to consider the subject] then again, whatever being was responsible for divine retribution and life-saving miracles always did have shitty aim. Probably meant to save those people in front of me. Oh well, fate's the fuck-up, not me. I ain't gonna complain. [With that decided, Cerl continued towards Silent Hill, unaware that Harry Mason was slowly following her, clutching his head. All he could make out was a humanoid figure in the mist.] Harry: [whispering to himself] Cheryl? ======================================================================= Footnotes: (1) - A-kun: As the story progresses, you'll understand why SH2 was involved. (2) - A-kun: I saw this in a weird movie once... okay, it was similiar. This guy's driving down this road with his mail in his passenger seat, and while he's talking on his cell phone, it falls onto the floor and he reaches down for it, while he's _still_ driving... ON A BUSY CITY STREET! So, naturally, he winds up hitting a bus and dying. (3) - A-kun: I've heard (POSSIBLY COMPLETELY CRUEL AND UNFOUNDED) _RUMORS_ that some companies used to tell their drivers that they should back over anyone and no one else is around, they BACK OVER the person to kill them because "Death benefits are cheaper than hospital bills". (4) - A-kun: I hate people who slow down WHILE rubber-necking at accidents THAT ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FREEWAY. It's all right to glance, but if there's an ambulance and/or police car, you don't need to do more than that. (5) - And she was also the home for several woodland creatures who regularly shat in her hair. - TharzZzDunNism (6) - A-kun: [O_O] What the hell?! TharzZzy: She probably thought this was the next item on the checklist. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A-kun's "Author's End of Chapter Rant": Well, it's off to a quick start. I've managed to work in a fart joke, made Cerl into an obvious sociopath, and certainly spiced up Harry and Alessa. Next time, we get to see James, work him into the plot, then it's off to create mayhem! TharzZzDunN's "Helper's End of Chapter Rant": Why am I not getting full credit? A-kun: You only made the fart joke and suggested the salsa music. TharzZzDunN: You forgot all the illegal stuff Cerl did. And the bored look she had. A-kun: Oh yeah... Anyway, Peace, out! TharzZzDunN: War, in! Writer - A-kun Inserter of Ultra-Weird - TharzZzDunN