[Title: Silent Hill] [Sub-Title: The Alpha-Nadir-Omega-Zenith-Code Veronica Dance- Death Reborn Dual Revolution Shock Championship/Greatest Hits 2004 Edition P] [Chapter 2] [A-kun's Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Silent Hill copyrights or reservations. I only own Silent Hill 1, because I'm so very, very poor. I _DO_ however, own this parody/mockery and all new characters introduced within. I also hold the right to change certain characters as I see fit, so nyah!] [Break:=== denotes end of story or intro] [ [---] denotes end of scene] [Key: [ ] denotes action] [ ( ) denotes inane author interjections] [ // // denotes telepathy] [ () denotes footnotes] [ % % denotes singing] [ < > denotes sound effects] [Setting: This takes places during Silent Hill 1 _AND_ 2.] [SPOILER WARNING: If you haven't at least played Silent Hill 1, you'll ruin a lot of things for yourself. Not to mention, you probably won't know what most of these characters look like. But, if you're like me, you don't care and you'll ignore this in favor of amusing yourself.] ======================================================================= [James Sunderland had lost his wife three years ago. He didn't fully understand how, but one minute she was right there with him, walking illegally though a construction zone at night, and the next, she'd just vanished without warning.] [He vowed to spend the rest of the afternoon two days later looking for her in a nearby pizzeria. He wound up getting a tummy-ache after trying to eat an Extra-Large Mushroom and Pepperoni pizza by himself and had to leave before the first hour was up, but it was the half-hearted thought that counted.] [Now, three years later, James was looking through his mail when he found a letter that changed his life forever.] James: I WON A _FREE_ ALL-EXPENSES PAID TRIP TO SILENT HILL! WHOO-HOO! I AM THERE, BABY! SCORE! THEY EVEN INCLUDED ECONOMY BUS TICKETS THAT DEPART AT MIDNIGHT! [James leapt into his car and drove for the bus station, eagerly awaiting his trip to the rancid-smelling backwater hole of Silent Hill. (1) He never saw the woman in the apartment above his cackling and rubbing her hands together with evil glee. It had cost her a trip to Silent Hill, but ANYTHING to get that guy out of the building long enough for her to steal his stereo.] [He stopped at a parking meter and put forty bucks in quarters into it before taking his always-ready suitcase out of his trunk. As he entered the bus station, he was greeted with the sight of three people masturbating wildly into the potted plants, two crack-addicts, and a veterinarian taking a dead bird out of the long-dead pear tree that should have been taken down in 1983.] James: This is gonna ROCK! [---] [For all that could be said about Cerl Togashi, the one thing she'd always been good at was beating the crap out of other people. And stealing. Okay, the two things she was good at were beating people up and stealing things. And cooking. And don't forget bowling.] [Okay, we'll just continue with the story and jump the Monty Python Spanish Inquisition joke.] [In any case, things happened in a certain order in Silent Hill 1. Knife-wielding (2) cultists kill the unarmed main character and lead to he/she being revived at a nearby cafe. Harry had already undergone this process. However, the cultists were having a much harder time with Cerl.] Cerl: UWAAAAA-YA! [Cerl kiai'ed, triple-punching the cultist in front of her, back-fisting one to her left and pendulum-kicking the cultist who'd been trying to sneak up on her from behind in the groin, all while looting their bodies. All three fell to the ground, but the one behind her was the only one groaning AND whimpering at the same time.] Cerl: [turning to the leader] I find your lack of faith disturbing. (3) [She extended a hand and began choking him with The Force.] [Sadly for Cerl, she didn't see the swinging log in time or the Ewok who'd cut the rope.] Ewok: [cheering in victory as Cerl slammed through two buildings and a municipal bus] Jubjub-jubjub! Jubjubjub! Jub! (4) [---] [When Cerl woke up, she found herself laying on a stage in a silky negligee, with golden nipple-caps and a golden g-string. Her arm was around a metal pole. She arched an eyebrow and glanced over to a police woman with short blonde hair who was looking at Cerl and licking her lips.] Cerl: [0_0] Uhh.... Police Officer: [^_^] Just kidding, I'm bisexual, but you're not my type. (5) Cerl: [0_0] Then why am I in this? Police Officer: [;;^_^;;] Well, your clothes were dirty, so I was washing them. [thinking to herself] Plus, I got a giggle out of seeing you up there. [aloud to Cerl] I could only find this and a pair of blue Speedos. I gave the Speedos to him. [The officer motioned to the man laying in the only long booth in the cafe.] Cerl: [O_o] And how are we talking in internet Iconography? Police Officer: What? Cerl: [glancing left and right] Uh, forget it. So, what's your name? Police Officer: I'm Cybil Bennett, and you are? Cerl: Cerl... Cerl Tenkai... [thinking to herself] Better not tell her my real name in case I have an outstanding warrant or parking tickets or something. [Just then, a brief blatting came from the back of the cafe.] Cybil: Sounds like your clothes are done. I'll go get them. If he wakes up, tell him he's got a nice package and I only fondled it a few times. [Cybil left the room before she saw Cerl's gawk] [Cerl sighed and sat down on a nearby stool, watching the guy in the booth. A minute later, Cybil came back with her clothes and a spare set that Cybil could only guess belonged to the man laying in the booth.] [Ten minutes, and a change of clothes later, Cerl and the man were both wearing their original clothes. Cerl tucked her alternate outfit into her jacket. It'd been strangely comfortable. Just as Cybil began to brew some coffee, the man jerked upright, looking left and right in surprise.] Man: [panicked] Where am I? Cybil: You're in a cafe in Silent Hill. [The man looked stunned, looking himself over.] Cybil: I'm Cybil Bennett and this is Cerl Tenkai. Who are you? Man: Harry.... Harry Mason. Have either one of you seen a little girl? About seven years old, short black hair, wearing a blue shirt with horizontal stripes with a blue skirt. (6) Cerl: Nope. Cybil: No, I haven't. Sorry. [Harry looked depressed.] Harry: I swore that I wouldn't let anything happen to her. I've got to find her. Cybil: Well, it's dangerous out there with all that fog. Here, take this gun. [Cybil hands Harry her gun and ammunition.] I'm only loaning it to you until we find out what's going on with this fog. Cerl: Maybe someone set up an assload of fog machines around town? [Cybil and Harry give her looks that read "Are you really THAT stupid?". To which, Cerl's confused look told them, "Duh?".] Cerl: Anyway, why are you giving HIM the gun? Cybil: Because from the ass-stomping you gave those cultists, I figure he needed more help. Cerl: [cocky grin] Oh yeah. Cybil: Besides, he's a wuss. Harry: [upset] Hey, you get stabbed in the groin by surly midgets and see how YOU like it! [Cerl and Cybil exchanged glances and had to agree that it probably WOULD have been painful.] Cybil: Okay, but you're not much of a macho man. Harry: [indignant] Of course not. Randy Savage looks MUCH tougher than me. Not to mention, he must've made millions with those 'Slim Jim' commercials. I've barely made a few hundred thousand with my novels. Cybil: [rolling her eyes] AAAAAANYway, I'm going to head back to try and make a report at headquarters. I'll be back as soon as I can. You two explore the town and try to find out why it's so dead quiet during a busy season. [Cybil glared at both main characters] And try to finish up some of these mini-games! We're paying for these damn things, after all! [---] [James Sunderland had been physically hurled off the damaged municipal bus (it had been severely dented by some flying blonde chick who collided with the side) by a horde of demons after he'd let off an egg, cabbage and onion-flavored fart (7). Many of the demons were teary-eyed and on the verge of barfing. One angrily hurled James' suitcase after him, but missed.] Bus-Driver Demon: [Angrily] AND LAY OFF THE CABBAGE, DAMMIT! [With all the windows pulled down, the damaged demon-filled bus drove off, all of the demons making various rude gestures and swearing at James as the bus moved into the distance.] James: [smiling pleasantly] What nice folks. [James began to wander into the dense fog of Silent Hill...] James: !#$^@#$%@#$! [James clutched his nose and looked angrily at the oak tree he hadn't noticed before running into it.] James: Stupid tree... James: @#$@@%^#$%@#$#$! [James clutched his foot, cursing the curb that he'd stubbed it on. James was suddenly in a fowl mood because he was being swarmed by ducks, beating him about the head and legs with their baseball bats. Then, the ducks vanished, leaving a board with a nail in it stuck in James' left thigh. James pulled the nail out and swung it a few times, the tetanus already affecting his brain.](8) James: Mary, I wonder if you're in this town. [With that, James headed for the strip club.](9) [---] [Harry and Cerl were currently walking around the northern end of town, rather than the western end of town, where James was, but somehow, wasn't.] [Cerl stared at the gaping hole in the ground.] Cerl: Damn! These potholes pop up quick, don't they? Harry: Look, either the town was hit by high-penetration/explosion missiles or these are some evil entity's doing. Now come on, we have to find a way around. Cerl: You sure are quick to ignore the weirdness of this town. Harry: I just saw you use a Figure Four sumbission lock onto a grotesque bat-thingy and the Stone Cold Stunner on a dog. This stuff is nothing to seeing a bat and a dog scream "UNCLE!" in a language they shouldn't be able to speak in. Not to mention you used all of Tifa Lockheart's limit breaks at "Yeah!" on Squall Lionheart. Cerl: [gleaming with pride] Yeah, that narcissistic wimp never stood a chance. [Behind them, Squall was laying in the grass, badly mauled by Cerl's brutal attack. He'd only survived thanks to the fact that he'd had all of the GFs equipped and Curaga on Defense.] Squall: [in a lot of pain] ...whatever. [Cerl turned and glared at the twitching Final Fantasy 8 character, who had survived all seven attacks, but with only 1 HP left. Cerl walked over to him, grabbed him by the hair and drew his face up to hers.] Cerl: [with a thick southern accent] DON'T SASS ME, BOY! Squall: [still in a lot of pain] ....Whatever. Cerl: [nostrils flaring with indignation] CAPITALIZED 'W'!? YOU SONOVABITCH! [Cerl stomps Squall to death, then to a bloody unrecognizable pulp.] [---] [James looked around the strip club, the Heaven's Night, and was surprised to see a woman who looked a bit like his missing wife sitting a chair with a revolver that only had one bullet in it. She wore an open-neck long-sleeved maroon shirt with a short black skirt.] James: Mary? Woman: [waking] Huh? Who are you? [James was confused. Then, he looked at her high-heeled shoes.] James: Oh, sorry. I mistook you for my wife, but she hates high-heels. My name is James Sunderland. Woman: My name is... [she looked confused for a few seconds] Maria. James: Huh. That's Spanish for "Mary", isn't it? Maria: I wouldn't know. I flunked Spanish. James: Estupido gringo.(10) [---] [Harry and Cerl had just gotten the Scarecrow Key from the mailbox blocked by the tree, the Woodman key from the basketball court, and the Lion Key from the police car's trunk and the Lion Heart from Squall. Cerl had given it to Harry since it brought down her attack. After all, the stupid thing's attack rating was only 30 and besides, Harry was the only one with bullets.] Cerl: [smiling] So, your last name is Henderson. What's it like knowing there was a show with your name on it, even though it was disjointed? Harry: [irritated as it was the fifth time Cerl had screwed up his name] It's Mason, not Henderson. And I never even SAW "Harry and the Hendersons", though I was aware of it's existance, okay?! My name is not "Perry Mason", "Free Mason", "Charlie Manson", "Donatello The Ninja Turtle" or "Spock"! [vein in the side of his head throbbing] MY NAME IS HARRY MASON! Cerl: [smiling] So, what's it like being a novelist? Harry: [furious] I'M NOT A F**KING NOVELIST!!! [Harry paused as he realized his mistake. He _was_ a novelist.] Harry: GODDAMMIT! [Cerl snickered, a wide mischievious grin on her face. Finally, several minutes passed, Cerl's teasing finally came to an end and the duo were standing outside of a house that had a door that would let them continue on their journey.] Cerl: Well, we finally got all three Eclipse chewing gum brands - Peppermint, White Claudia, and Original. We should be able to get through this house. Harry: Don't you mean the Eclipse Keys? [Cerl gives him a blank stare.] Harry: The ones we found in the car trunk, the doghouse, and the mailbox? [Cerl continued to stare at him blankly.] Cerl: I just realized... Why would we need Eclipse gum, Eclipse keys or Eclipse anything to open a door that _should_ be bolted from the inside anyway? Not to mention, you have a gun and I can punch through wood and stone. A friggin' door isn't of any consequence. It's not like we're going to get SUED over it by the zombie dogs! Harry: Nevermind that. [Harry paused to consider something] What the hell is Original gum supposed to taste like anyway? Cerl: Ass on a bad day. Harry: That explains why "Speed Racer" sucked. Cerl: [blinks in confusion] It does? Harry: No, I'm just getting back at you for that "Harry and the Hendersons" joke. Cerl: [>_<] ...... Harry: By the way, why the hell do you insist on fiddling with that radio? Cerl: I'm _trying_ to get it to play something other than static or faint cryptic messages of "You damn bitch, I'll gut you for running me over". Harry: [>_<] ...... somehow, I don't think those are cryptic. Cerl: Well, I don't see any female dogs, save for the zombie ones, and somehow, I doubt someone would go through the trouble to broadcast a message to a dog. Harry: I think they're talking to us. Cerl: [looks Harry over] You're one ugly woman. Poorly rendered too. Harry: Shut up! I'm a GUY and I was referring to you! The message is directed at YOU! Don't you recall that thing you ran over in Chapter 1 calling you a bitch as you drove away? Cerl: Oh yeah... by the way, which ending are you going for? Harry: Good+. That way, I get a new daughter _and_ a new wife to boot. Cerl: Damn, dude. You are shallow. Harry: Hey, she had her chance. Leading me to my death and trapping me in this horrific world are CLEAR signs that she'd need years of expensive therapy that I can't afford on a New York's Best Seller's profit margins. Cerl: [shakes her head sadly] They just throw that award out these days, don't they? Harry: [bitterly] Don't I know it. I made that list with all thirteen of my novels. Even the one I put out in kindengarten, before I could spell at all. [thoughtful] Still, "Ghastly Flying Bat-Thing and Zombie Mutt's Day In The Park" was rather endearing. Cerl: [surprised] THAT WAS YOURS?! [excited] You're "smiley face with a green mohawk"?! Wow! I never thought I'd ever meet you! COOL! Harry: [blushing with modesty] Well, most of it _was_ drawn before naptime.... [The two entered the house...] ======================================================================= (1) - A-kun: I know Silent Hill is supposed to be a resort town. Shut up. (2) - A-kun: But not GREAT-Knife Wielding cultists, like Pyramid Head. (3) - A-kun: A line straight from Darth Vader. (4) - A-kun: Translation: SCORE! 250 points! (100 per building, 50 for every moving object) (5) - A-kun: Admit it, you thought I'd make her a lesbian who lusted after Cerl. Well, HAHA! PSYCHE! (6) - A-kun: This is the ONLY time you'll hear this in this fanfic, I SWEAR! (7) - A-kun: All three of these can produce nasty-smelling farts. Well, I've only heard rumors of Cabbage farts... why am I doing a foot note about this? [;-_-;] (8) - A-kun: [O_O] WHAT THE F**K?! TharzZzDunN: Well, if they can reanimate corpses, changing ducks so they can use baseball bats isn't that strange. A-kun: [realizes it's true] ....... (9) - A-kun: [shrugging] Well, he never got a letter telling him where to look... (10) - A-kun: Rough translation "Estupido Gringo" = "Stupid foreigner". Why James would say this is beyond me. Next Time: More Confusion! More Insanity! More Characters! A-kun: Oh yeah... Anyway, Peace, out! TharzZzDunN: War, in! Writer - A-kun Inserter of Ultra-Weird - TharzZzDunN