[Title: Silent Hill] [Sub-Title: The Omega-Zenith-Alpha-Nadir-Code Veronica Dance- Dual Reborn Revolution Shock Death Championship/Greatest Hits 2004 NHL Edition P] [Chapter 3] [A-kun's Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Silent Hill copyrights or reservations. I only own Silent Hill 1, because I'm so very, very poor. I _DO_ however, own this parody/mockery and all new characters introduced within. I also hold the right to change certain characters as I see fit, so nyah!] [Break:=== denotes end of story or intro] [ [---] denotes end of scene] [Key: [ ] denotes action] [ ( ) denotes inane author interjections] [ // // denotes telepathy] [ () denotes footnotes] [ % % denotes singing] [ < > denotes sound effects] [Setting: This takes places during Silent Hill 1 _AND_ 2.] [SPOILER WARNING: If you haven't at least played Silent Hill 1-3, you'll ruin a lot of things for yourself. Not to mention, you probably won't know what most of these characters look like. But, if you're like me, you don't care and you'll ignore this in favor of amusing yourself.] ======================================================================= [James was walking with Maria as they searched Silent Hill, looking for someone other than themselves who was still alive.] James: You know, I think we should split up. We'll cover more ground that way. Maria: Are you insane?! There are monsters all around this place! James: But you've got that Chinese Cleaver and that Revolver. You should be good. I don't even have a DECENT weapon since the author skipped those scenes altogether. [Suddenly, James was hit with inspiration and bird poop.] F**KING BIRDS! [James proceeded to wave his left arm up, up, down, down, left, right, left, then right again. His right arm made three wild punching motions.(1) Suddenly, a rifle appeared in his hands. He aimed for two seconds at the retreating bird and fired, killing it automatically. (2)] Maria: [o_o] Where did you get that? [O_O] And where did the bird poop go?! James: I'm rendered, DUH! They'd have to spend a few extra hours to make anything like that appear regularly. Why do you think my hand was clean when I pulled this wallet out of the bloody toilet? [shows her a gunk-covered wallet] Maria: [;;;O_O;;;] How did you get that so early?! James: What the hell do you think I was doing? I did the Konami code, so now I've got everything. [The rifle suddenly becomes Pyramid Head's Giant Knife, then the Beam Saber from Silent Hill 3] See? [Maria continues to stare as James' jacket and shirt were replaced by a dark blue EGM t-shirt that read "The Harder They Come" on the front and had a sword buried between two skulls on the back with the letters "EGM" over it.] James: It's all a matter of using the right cheat codes. Now I've got every weapon and item in the Silent Hill universe. Plus unlimited ammo. Maria: [arching an eyebrow] What good would that do? Most of them are only useful in those particular games. James: [swapping the Beam Saber for the Unlimited Submachine Gun and sticks his tongue out at Maria] You're just jealous. Maria: Yeah, because I can't find much ammo, remember? [Suddenly, Maria checked her inventory.] Wait, now _I_ have unlimited ammo? James: No, I just gave you the maximum allowed. I also activated the "No Reload Animation" code, so we can fire unlimited number of times. [James pauses and gave Maria an evil smirk. Suddenly, she was only wearing a set of boxers, but she didn't seem to notice.](3) Maria: [confused] What? James: Nnnnnothin'. Anyway, you check the park, I'll check Woodside Apartments. Maria: [pleading with tears in her eyes] Please, James, I don't want to be separated from you... James: ¡No trabajó en Rocky V! ¡No trabajará aquí! (4) Maria: [confused] What?! James: [rolling his eyes] Just go. Maria: You know, the author's already breaking a lot of the usual trends. He might make me into an actual woman just to throw everyone off kilter. James: Yeah, and maybe his main female protagonists WON'T be ass-kicking martial arts masters and lesbians at the same time. [Near Midwich Elementary, Cerl sneezed violently.] James: Now, just go. Besides, you know staying near me will only result in a number of violent deaths in order to portray me killing my wife, which didn't happen in this alternate universe story.(5) Maria: [wincing] Good point. [---] [Cerl sniffled, wondering where that sneeze had come from before using a kinetic beam cannon Super Ex Combo, backed up by Cyclops and Ryu, managing to chain an excessively cheap 788 hit combo thanks to her player's turbo controller (6), which managed to finish off the giant lizard that she and Harry had been battling. Nothing remained but some Tasty Fish and Lamp Oil.(7)] Cerl: So, how much of this did we really need to do? Harry: [sighing] All of it. The stupid programmers don't really grasp the concept of 'give the player free reign' right now. Once Silent Hill 2 and 3 come out, they're loosened up a bit, but mostly, it's about this rigid through most of it. All we get to do is cover the 'get from Point A to Point B', 'Solve Riddles' and 'Destroy All Monsters'. Cerl: Don't forget 'Get The Crap Scared Out Of Us'. Harry: Yeah. Anyway, I think the author is going to be splitting off your story from mine, so you can meet James Sunderland. We just have to think up a plausible excuse. Cerl: Hmmm, how about doing what James and Maria are doing? Looking for other people. Harry: It's a bit trite, but I suppose it'll have to do for now. Cerl: Right, I'll go see if I can find anyone. If I can't, meet me at the Achemilla Hospital. Oh, and don't forget to visit K. Gordon's house. If they bothered to give her a name, chances are likely that she has some small, but useful item. Harry: [shrugging indifferently] It's just ammo. Cerl: [panicked] SHHHH!!!! Don't let the pla-er, readers know! Harry: [frustrated] Oh, come on! Besides, I'm going to waste all my ammo anyway. That way, the boss fight ends automatically. Cerl: Oh, and don't forget, you can't take the key before you take the Flauros. Harry: [glaring at her] Now who's spoiling the story? [---] [James was staring at an unfamiliar scene. He'd played Silent Hill 2 a few hundred gigagillion (8) times (as he had the memories of _all_ the copies of the game out there), but he'd never seen what he was looking at.] [It was a normal-looking gas station that was still operating. He could even see the underpaid college student working the counter. Confused, James walked over to it, idly noting the Kwikee Tripee sign (9).] [James paused to glare hatefully at the stupid bells that had become customary at most stores. He never did like them.] James: [to the store clerk] Excuse me- [He looked at the clerk's nametag, which read "Doofus"].... Mister Doofus... Doofus the Store Clerk: [vaguely surprised] Huh... wow. Someone actually had the balls to call me by that. Well, I still win the bet, seeing as it's been two months. Not like it'll matter. [Doofus removed the name tag and replaced it with one that read 'Kevin Eubanks'(10).] Kevin Eubanks the Store Clerk: What can I do you for? James: [O_o] .......... uh, how are you still alive and sane in this alternate reality? I mean, I've been through this a number of times... Kevin Eubanks: What, the zombies? [shrugs] So long as they pay for what they take and break, I don't have a problem. [angrily] Of course, my boss is going to be paying me an ASSLOAD of overtime, seeing as I've been working for several days now. James: [;;o_o;;] And you don't find that the least bit odd? Kevin Eubanks: Nah, I've got that medical condition where I just have to close my eyes for a few seconds and my brain goes into REM sleep, I get recharged and badda-bing-badda-boom, I'm ready for more work. It's my body that needs rest. Technically speaking, I could work 24/7/366. James: [O_o] No, I meant the fact that no one's relieved you in seven days. Kevin Eubanks: Not really. I mean, if there are zombies, then naturally, we can't be in our primary universe. Magic of this calibur can't work that well without shifting dimensions. What's really creepin' me out is the fact that we still get daily shipments of supplies. And calls from telemarketers. Woman's Voice: [from a nearby phone] Excuse me, but is your manager going to be out of the bathroom soon? Kevin Eubanks: [picking up the phone] No. Oh, wait. I'm sorry, I thought you asked if I was MANAGEABLE in the bathroom.(11) Our manager is dead. Bye. James: [chuckling] Dude, that was nasty! Kevin Eubanks and James: WHAAAACKA-WHACKA-WHACKA!(12) James: So, what have you been doing to pass the time? Kevin Eubanks: Well, oddly enough, [holds up a walkie-talkie-esque radio] this broken hand radio plays cryptic messages and static whenever monsters are around. I sometimes get a giggle out of it. But other than that, I mostly just watch television. [Kevin motions to the television mounted on a platform on the ceiling, which is playing "The Sopranos".] James: Huh. Neither I nor the author have ever seen that. Is it free? Kevin Eubanks: Must be. My manager's a cheap skate. I had to steal this thing from a nearby apartment. James: Was that a good idea? Kevin Eubanks: [shrugging] It's not like it's going to affect anything in the real world. [Meanwhile, in the real world, a man by the name of Bean Bandit (13) in Chicago, Illinois, was cursing up a storm as he found his television had been stolen.] James: So, who do you think this 'Bean Bandit' is? Kevin Eubanks: [confused] Who? [James motions to the side of the television, where someone had carved the words "Bean Bandit".] Kevin Eubanks: [frowning] Huh. I didn't notice that, even after I stole it and mounted it. [smirking] Probably a joke played on him because he liked bean burritos too much. James: Yeah, who'd WILLINGLY call themselves 'Bean Bandit' when they know they'll get tons of fart jokes? [James and Kevin chortled. Bean Bandit sneezed violently.] [Both men turned to see a Legs monster enter the convenience store. It somehow glared at James, but the harsher glare it received from Kevin Eubanks told it that the store was neutral ground. It walked over to the Sheer Legs pantyhose display, grabbed two 'eggs', walked over to the counter, paid and left.] [James stared after it, his mouth unhinged.] James: [in awe] I was watching it the whole time and I STILL don't know how it did that! Kevin Eubanks: [shrugging] Eh. What I want to know is how it can put those on. I'll have to ask Garnet. James: Garnet? [Another Legs monster entered. It walked around James as if he were a store display.] Kevin Eubanks: [smiling happily] Garnet, babycakes! Legs: [happily] [James decided to leave before the scene got too weird and/or disturbing. Which was almost redundant since the entire game he was featured in was already weird and/or disturbing.] [---] [Maria was humming as she skipped around town. Her humming was a tad panicked and off-key, mostly because she was weirded out by her reflection in the nearby office buildings' mirror glass. They alternated between showing a massive demon, her looking like a maniac while wielding her Chinese Cleaver (which she didn't even have equipped) or showing scenes of her getting intimate with the Legs monsters, all three of which disturbed her greatly. Luckily for her, James had rethought things and she was now wearing her normal mini-skirt, red jacket and a shirt that read "Please Run Me Through With Your Fleshy Giant Knife".(14)] [Suddenly, Cerl popped up behind her.] Cerl: HI! Maria: [panicking] AAAIIEEEEEAAAAAAH! [Maria spun, equipped her chinese cleaver and began slashing wildly with it. Cerl watched her from a safe distance and thanked her lucky stars that Maria hadn't taken in the distance between them.] Cerl: Uh, you can stop now. Maria: [tears in her eyes] Uh? [wiping her eyes] Oh, sorry, I... guess I panicked... Cerl: S'okay. Sooo, you're one of the primary characters of Silent Hill 2, huh? Maria: Don't break character. Cerl: What character? I'm the instrument of the author's whims, desires and cheap gags. Maria: At least you don't turn into a demon in three out of four endings. (15) Cerl: Shoot, you think my author has any sane ending ready for me? I'll be lucky if I get a 'Leave' ending and even then, the author will remind everyone that Laura's a little bitch. Maria: You know, I've never seen Laura. Kind of odd, seeing as I claim to want to protect her. Cerl: Yeah, what was up with that Bowling Alley thing? I mean, not wanting to go in one? Maria: [shuddering] I was tramuatized by a horrific bowling accident that claimed twenty-seven and a half lives. [Cerl stared at Maria in confusion.] Cerl: [thinking] "and a half"? Maria: Anyway, don't you think you should start spilling some of your backstory? Cerl: [arching an eyebrow] This isn't a Resident Evil game. Maria: [sighing] I meant, 'tell us something about your past'. Cerl: Oooh, I thought you wanted me to state things out of context or leave an atrociously large plot hole in my background that couldn't possibly rationalize my being here. Maria: [shaking her head] No, besides, at least our characters can aim at flying and ground creatures equally well. Cerl: [nodding] True. [clears her throat] I recently ran over someone on the road, stole an SUV... Maria: I meant _before_ that, dippoop. Cerl: [confused] Don't you mean "dipshoot"? "Dipwad"? "Dipstick"? Dammit! Why can't I swear?! Maria: Probably self-censorship so this can get a lower rating on Fanfiction.net. Cerl: I thought we were on his webpage. Maria: [growling in frustration] We're on BOTH. Cerl: Then why not censor the one on Fanfiction.net and- Maria: Look, he's barely giving most of his fanfics the corrective touches to keep people from whining about the formatting, what the hell gives you the idea he'd go through the trouble of censoring one copy and not another? Cerl: He did it for Dungeon Keeper Ranma. Maria: Yes and have we yet gained the accolaides, applause and public moonings that their cast did? Cerl: [mournfully] No.... Maria: [triumphantly] Exactly. [Suddenly, Nemesis from Resident Evil appeared behind Maria and began moving towards them. Both women noticed his presense, Cerl from sensing his large negative aura and his desire to kill. She attuned her aura, searched and located his exact position with all of her spirit. Meanwhile, Maria could hear him from a mile away because of his loud and obvious footsteps.] Nemesis: STAAAAARRRRSSSSS.... Cerl: Dude, wrong fanfic. Nemesis: STAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRSSSSSS...... Maria: Can't you take a hint? Nemesis: NOOOO, MARIA-SNACK AND CERL-DORK, I'M _LOOKING_ FOR STAAAAAAAARRRRRRRSSSSSSS.... Maria: [clapping her hands in realization] Ah, you need directions to Raccoon City. [Nemesis, embarrassed, nodded. He took out a notebook and a pen.] Maria: [pointing down a nearby road] You take that to the I-69, then you go all the way until you reach Pen Avenue. You want to count the houses until you reach to 15.... so it'll be Pen 15, then you want to make a left onto Carpet Street. You'll go through a long tunnel that seems to repeat itself a lot. Keep going until you reach the intersection of Carpet and Muncher, then make a right, then immediately turn left at the next oppurtunity. You'll reach the intersection of Dill and Les. They aren't marked, so there are two companies you can check. The Dough company will be on Dill street, which should be on your left at the intersection, and the Bien restaraunt should be on the far right side, it's on Les. You want to turn right onto Les and keep going until and you'll find Raccoon City in about three hours.(16) Nemesis: THAAAAAANK YOUUUUUUU.... [Nemesis lumbered off.] Cerl: I shudder to think that this entire story might become nothing but a bunch of lame jokes about cameos. [Behind them, Dahlia, chewing some cud, crossed the street with the Lich from Final Fantasy 1. They both heard Cerl's comment and hurried off, the Lich leaving behind badly pixellated footprints. Both thought they'd gotten a clean getaway, but they were horribly wrong.] [Cerl and Maria both sniffed the air, then suddenly clutched their hands over their faces, their eyes watering up.] Maria: UGH! That must've been Dahlia! No one but that cud-chewing ugly-ass cow could possibly make something so foul! Cerl: Let's get out of here before we puke! [Maria nodded rapidly and the two ran away.] [Meanwhile, back at the church where Dahlia had been, Harry was wondering how many sewer mains and gas lines had broken nearby. Gaggging noisily, he hurried to the hospital, where Dahlia had told him to go.] [---] [Heather Mason was looking for blood. Specifically, Claudia Wolf's blood. Her dear departed father had been killed by that psycho-bitch and Heather was looking for payback.] [Of course, Heather didn't know that her father Harry, the primary protagonist of Silent Hill 1, was still alive and well in this remake. Nor did she know her father was 18 years younger.] [So, naturally, Heather's reaction had been justified, if a bit misguided. She was carrying more weapons than seen in every Rambo, Silent Hill, Resident Evil, Terminator, Final Fantasy and Contra game and movie combined.] Heather: [bad Rambo/Rocky (17) impersonation] Ay-yo. [Douglas Cartland was staring at her.] Douglas: [in awe] Are you sure you can move with all those weapons? Heather: Of course I can. It's a game. Do you honestly think James Sunderland could be carrying around all the crap he does? Douglas: [staring at her] ....... Heather: Now, to go to Silent Hill and kill that bitch. [Heather took out a pump-action shotgun, pumped it once , and sneered before letting loose with another bad impersonation] Le's do this ting. Douglas: [doing a Squall Lionheart Impersonation] ...whatever. [Heather pointed the shotgun at him, a look of absolute hatred on her face.] Douglas: [meekly] Sorry. ======================================================================= (1) - A-kun: If you remember the old Contra 30 Lives code, good for you. Otherwise, you didn't get this joke. The code goes: Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start. (2) - A-kun: A reference to SH1. If you want to miss less in Silent Hill 1, let Harry aim for two seconds before his shot. (3) - A-kun: In Silent Hill 3, after playing through the game, use the Konami code (using 'X' in place of 'B' and 'O' in place of 'A') and Douglas won't be wearing a shirt or pants in all of the cutscenes. But he will have his trenchcoat, tie, hat, shoes, socks, and boxers. (4) - A-kun's Translation - "It did not work in Rocky V! It will not work here!" (Thanks go to Yuka Takeuchi Fan's Estupido Gringo webpage) (5) - A-kun: Wait, if it didn't happen in this universe, what blue hell is he doing in Silent Hill? (6) - A-kun: Must be from the Capcom Vs. series. ;p (7) - A-kun: An odd reference to my attempt at a webcomic (Chaos RPG). They were the names of two summons, but the characters thought they were items. At least, until another summon revealed their true nature. But by then, the villian had already stolen them. I reference them because like the originals in my webcomic, they're going to be ignored. (8) - A-kun: A thousand times more than a gillion, which is a thousand times more than a jillion, of course. (9) - A-kun: A poorly made variant on Kwik Trip, an actual chain. Mostly to avoid any possible litigation from a second source. (10) - A-kun: This is a taunt towards Kevin Eubanks, the band leader for "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno". I know, I just seem to jump at the possibility of celebrity litigation. (11) - A-kun: This implies his bowel movements are quite violent. That or... well, I won't go into that. (12) - A-kun: No, I will never explain this. (13) - A-kun: A tough-as-nails man who's sweet custom-made car helps him and his clients (whoever they may be) get away from police. He had his own anime, but he showed up frequently in the Gunsmith Cats manga. I just always got a laugh out of his name. (14) - A-kun: What? He already had her ditch her normal outfit. What makes you think he wouldn't do something to f**k with her now? (15) - TharzZzDunNism: Fanfic ain't over _yet_, bitch. (16) - A-kun: Astute readers will pick up the numerous sexual connotations in this paragraph. Less astute readers... won't. (17) - A-kun: I forget which. Next Time: If you hope it makes more sense as time goes on, you haven't been paying attention. A-kun: Oh yeah... Anyway, Peace, out! TharzZzDunN: War, in! Writer - A-kun Inserter of Ultra-Weird - TharzZzDunN