[Title: Silent Hill] [Sub-Title: The Veronica Zenith-Omega-Nadir-Alpha-Code Dual Reborn Dance-Revolution Championship Shock Death Greatest Hits 2004 NHL Edition Version 2.792573281594a P] [Chapter 4] [A-kun's Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Silent Hill copyrights or reservations. I only own Silent Hill 1, because I'm so very, very poor. I _DO_ however, own this parody/mockery and all new characters introduced within. I also hold the right to change certain characters as I see fit, so nyah!] [Break:=== denotes end of story or intro] [ [---] denotes end of scene] [Key: [ ] denotes action] [ ( ) denotes inane author interjections] [ // // denotes telepathy] [ () denotes footnotes] [ % % denotes singing] [ < > denotes sound effects] [Setting: This takes places during Silent Hill 1 _AND_ 2.] [SPOILER WARNING: If you haven't at least played Silent Hill 1-3, you'll ruin a lot of things for yourself. Not to mention, you probably won't know what most of these characters look like. But, if you're like me, you don't care and you'll ignore this in favor of amusing yourself.] ======================================================================= [If Silent Hill were a watermelon, Heather would be Galligher, smashing it for accolaides. If Silent Hill were a rebel, Heather would be the T-74 Russian tank running over it. If Silent Hill were a goldfish, Heather would be the neglectful owner who would leave for Tahiti for the rest of her life without leaving anyone to feed it.] [In short, Heather was ripping the town a new corn-chute. Since it didn't have one (unless you counted the sewers], this would likely have been a very painful process, had the town been a living entity.] Douglas: [trying to ignore the constant roar of Heather's quad-rocket launcher as he drove into town (Heather had apparently removed her reload animation as well)] Whatever happened to Silent Hill? It used to be a nice quiet little city. Heather: [blowing up the zoo and two parking garages] Easy, a cult resurrected an evil entity to provide them with paradise, but they fudged on their end of the bargain, allowing a yound girl to capitalize on the moment and take control of the entity's powers. The two have been battling for dominance and the war's finally spilling out over to the real world as Sammael makes another last ditch effort to revive himself through me. [Douglas stared at her.] Heather: What? Just read an FAQ, for Sammael's sake, and you'll have it ruined for you anyway. Douglas: [mumbling] I wonder if that's what the idiot author did. [Suddenly, the Konami code took effect and Douglas found himself minus his shirt and pants. However, his boxers were over his head and a pile of ice was in his lap.] Douglas: [muffled] Okay, I get the picture. Sorry. [The Konami code undid itself. Douglas had a few names to mentally call the author, but due to the removal of the NC-17 section on Fanfiction.net, they were removed for both space and content. And besides, he got it wrong. Internet porn doesn't attract hamsters.] Heather: [pausing briefly to yell out a challenge] CLAUDIA! GET OUT HERE AND DIE BY FOUR SIMULTANEOUS MISSILE STRIKES, YOU COWARDLY BITCH! [Ultimately, the joke was on Heather. Claudia had found out about Heather and James' use of the Konami code and had buggered off to Tahiti, leaving her goldfish to starve to death, that evil cowardly bitch. At least she came down with dysentary from having too many "Sex On The Beach"s.(1)] [---] [Harry was probably the only hero character in Silent Hill that wasn't abusively cheating. Which was quite surprising as he probably needed it a bit more than the others. After all, he didn't know what setting the game was on.] [He'd made it to the Achemilla Hospital, but there was no sign of Cerl, indicating that she either hadn't made it yet or wasn't going to make it. And considering that she was a better fighter than him, the latter option REALLY scared him.] [So, he mused to himself to keep himself sane, not realizing that talking to one's self was the first sign of insanity. Or was it? MWEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!] Harry: [to himself] I really hate that Kaufmann guy. Did I leave the oven on? I hope Cheryl remembers to brush her teeth. Then again, in a town like this, is there any decent toothpaste that isn't either filled with blood, drugs or some sort of hiding place for rust-covered keys? I didn't like the way that lady at that McDonald's talked to me. I'm going to go back there and talk to her, 'cause I don't want this bad blood between us. What was my third grade teacher's name? Mrs. Summers? Naw, that ain't it. Who played that really funny dude on that sitcom? The one with the monkey that no one liked... [Harry was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't even notice he'd stumbled into an open door and was now in an examination room. Suddenly, something crawled up and grabbed his leg.] Harry: [on reflex] Not now, honey, I've got a headache. [pause][thinking] Wait, my wife's been dead for three years, so she can't be playing 'Zombie Grappler'... [Harry glanced down to see a blonde nurse clutching his leg. From the looks of it, she was still alive, as she didn't have a reconstructed face or anything.] Narrator: By this time, Harry's legs were aching for methane. [Note: The above two lines never happened and probably should have been cut from the final release, but sadly weren't, thus, why this note was included.] Harry: Okay, I think my leg needs blood. Nurse: [blushing] Oh, sorry. [The nurse stood up, revealing herself to be quite the looker. She wore the traditional white nurse's uniform, but wore an open red sweater-vest over it.] Nurse: [seductively] Uh, hi. I'm Lisa Garland. Do you feel like playing a little pocket pool? Harry: Okay, but I don't have my miniature pool set on me.... Lisa: [pause] ............. AAAAANYway, who are you? Harry: Harry Mason. You haven't seen any _living_ children around here, have you? Female ones in particular. Lisa: [shaking her head] Nope, sorry. By the way, have you gotten the Aghophlatis or whatever? Harry: [rolling his eyes] Duh. I'm trying for the Good+ ending. Didn't you read the manuscript from the previous chapters? Lisa: Could you spare some? [Before Harry could answer 'yes' or 'no', Dahlia burst into the room with a steel baseball bat and whacked Harry. However, since Harry was a protagonist, he couldn't be felled by a single attack by a crazy gypsy lady (2). After all, the FMV hadn't started. But, then Dahlia let one rip, sending both Lisa and Harry to the floor. Dahlia grabbed Lisa and stuffed her into a locker, then opened several windows.] Harry: [coming to] Uuuhhh, what was that horrendous smell? Dahlia: [eyes flicking left and right in obvious sign of guilt] It was the smell of Evil! Sammael's Evil, to be specific. Now, you must hurry on! Next level, hurry scurry!(3) [With that said, Dahlia raced out of the room.] Harry: I'm beginning to suspect that crazy woman is trying to do something... EVIL. Lisa: [from the locker] Gee, ya think? Harry: [confused] I thought you only showed up in the world that was under Sammael's full control. Lisa: [from inside the locker] Nope. Author decided to break the rules. Harry: [opening the locker door] He's been breaking a lot of things lately, namely wind. [Suddenly, the Konami code acted up and removed all off Harry's clothes.] Harry: [covering his 'package'] SORRY! [All of Harry's clothes returned, just not the ones he'd been wearing.] Harry: OW OW! SHIT! I haven't worn most of this since the third grade! [the clothes changed to the ones he HAD been wearing] Author: SORRY! Lisa: [whistling appreciatively] I don't see how Cybil could've left you in Silent Hill 3. Harry: She could've died. Lisa: [rolling her eyes] Like any woman would take THAT a valid excuse. [Harry stared at Lisa for a few seconds.] Harry: [staring at her chest while walking backwards] Uh, anyway, I've got to get moving.... next level and all... Lisa: [smiling seductively] Hey, I'm into sharing. Why not give me the Agophlatis you've got, then you can refill from Kaufmann's secret stash and get Cybil as well. I mean, he mentioned he had more... [Lisa began whispering things she could do with her tongue in Harry's ear, demonstrating half of them.] Harry: [whining] Ah, man, look what you did to my Tom Clancy novel! I think you broke the spine! [Then, Harry realized what Lisa had said and done.] Harry: [face red] Is that even legal in this country? [Lisa simply smiled.] Harry: [face still red] Deal. [---] [James made his way to the Woodside Apartments and entered, his RBFG (4) at the ready. One shot could clear most of the path in front of him on the street. Two would begin tearing up the road. He considered it and decided having the walls explode into flames from a single shot wasn't the best idea. He switched to his Sexy Beam, then realizing he looked like a fruit (or at least, more so than usual), he switched to the Beam Saber.] [James went into Room 101 and noticed the refridgerator door was ajar. He opened it and saw a Teletubby doll, Dipsy or Po (5), stuffed inside.] James: [thinking] Dude, that's just wrong. Even having one of these things is gross. They look like fat-faced babies crossed with monkeys. [Then, as he closed the fridge door, James heard the sound of someone puking in the bathroom. As he'd gone to a number of frat parties back when he was in college (Tri Lambda (6)), he knew that sound all too well.] [James entered the room to see a typical phat frat boy puking into the toilet.] James: Remember to spit a few times, then rinse your mouth out with mouthwash. You don't want to swallow any of that. Trust me, dude. Man: [weakly turning towards James] The name ain't "Dude"! It's Eddie and I didn't kill nuthin'! James: [frowning] What the hell are you smoking and why the hell aren't you sharing? I was giving you advice, not asking if you'd iced anyone. Eddie: [shaking, either in rage or disgust] They're always laughing... so cheerful... James: [quirking an eyebrow] What, did that Teletuddy come to life and try to get you to wear dresses or use a purse? Eddie: [still shaking] ......I didn't mind the dress. It was the lip gloss and the pancake makeup... I just... I just...... [crying] I-I never wanted to s-sell myself to a bunch of burly sailors, [sobbing] but that's how it all turned out! [now blubbering] B-but, at least I-I paid off my S-student Loans! (7) James: [gently as he quietly backed away] Ooh-kay, you sound like you need some alone time... I'll just be leaving... [Once he could no longer see Eddie, James ran out of Apartment 101.] [---] [Cerl was sitting in the park, watching Maria sing disturbing songs in a lighthearted manner. That doubled the creepiness factor.] Maria: [singing] %Exit light, enter night! Take my hand! We're off to NeverNeverLand!% Cerl: [grumbling in jealousy] Wish I could sing. Maria: [stopping her singing] Don't feel bad. I had to do seven years of choir under the bitchiest instructor in all of Silent Hill to get this good. Cerl: [curious] Who was that? Maria: [smiling] Laura. [Cerl stared at the possible-demon-woman.] Cerl: But Laura's seven. Maria: [still smiling] Oh, come on. Like time operates normally here. I mean, every version of this adventure had to take at least three or four days in real time, but none of us (8) ever have to eat? That's B.S., man. Plus, how could James drop to bottom health after falling from the hospital roof when hit by Pyramid Head, but never even lose one level of health when jumping fifty to a hundred feet into a pit? Cerl: [considering it] I guess. Maria: Besides, how could James, Heather and Harry be in the same town at the same time? How could Claudia, who's thirty something, be flexible enough to have sex like a sixteen year old lesbian? How could Angela not have gotten laid in over eighteen years when she's that hot? Cerl: [quirking an eyebrow] Uh, what about her past? You know- Maria: Oh, come on! The author just let Lisa avoid her fate, what the hell makes you think Angela'll be the same? Cerl: [nodding] True. Maria: You know he's either setting up an orgy as a joke or he'll screw everyone over in the end. Cerl: [quirking her eyebrow again] There's a difference? [Maria and Cerl looked around for the source of the drumroll, but couldn't find anyone who had that much skill. Especially not Bahz Lehrman or whatever his name was.] Bahz Lehrman: Hey! Author: SHUT UP! YOU SUCK! I WISH YOU WOULD CRAM ALL OF YOUR CDS UP YOUR OWN ASS AND DIE ALREADY! [Cerl and Maria just stared at the Author and Bahz Lehrman.] Maria: [whispering to Cerl] I think the author might have issues. [Cerl just gave Maria a flat look, as if to say, "You just realized this NOW? In Chapter 4?!". Maria's eyes responded with all of her forethought, intellect and wisdom, proclaiming, "Duh?"] Cerl: Anyway, I think you and James'll have to meet up soon, so I'll just go and check on Harry's progress. [Cerl exits, stage right.] [---] [James had managed to escape Woodside and was firmly of the belief that he never needed to return. And, due to the slightly repetitive nature of Silent Hill 2, his next goal was to head straight into Blue Creek Apartment Building via the space where the fire escape used to be.] [A few tense minutes passed as he went downstairs and entered Room 109. There he found a dark-haired woman playing with a Gameboy (9)] Woman: Dammit! You stupid cheap-ass Articuno! My Charizard should have been able to take that blast! I am SO going to pokeball your ass! James: Excuse me, but aren't you Angela Orosco? Shouldn't you be all dark and brooding? Angela/Woman: [quirking an eyebrow as she glanced at him] And what exactly about this story has been dark and brooding? OH, COME ON, YOU CHEAP-ASS BIRD! Fine, I'll just use that Jynx I got to stave off your attacks until I can pokeball you... [James pondered what he should say or do. All things considered, Angela should still have been off-kilter. Then again, seeing as she was playing Pokemon Blue in a town full of zombies and monsters, it could still be said that she was off-kilter. Because he was bored, he decided to see if she knew spanish.] James: ¡No hay insecticida capaz de tomar en estas arañas! ¡Retratamiento! (10) Angela: [glancing at him] Usted tendrá que perdonarme, yo no puede hablar una palabra del español. (11) [Now assured that at least one other person spoke spanish, James decided that Angela was cool enough that he should refrain from taunting her... at least in Spanish. With nothing else to do and Angela refusing to help matters, James decided to recite the original dialogue.] James: [reading from the original script] "I know what you're thinking and it's not the answer." Angela: [looking at him] Dude, there's no way I'm going to waste my time trading for an Articuno when I can catch one. 'sides, SOMETHING has to be strong against Ice, in this !@#$@ing game. James: [angrily] I'm TRYING to keep things in perspective. We ARE in a monster-filled satan-worshipping town of god-forsaken evil, after all! Angela: Sammael. James: [confused] Huh? Angela: [sighing] It's 'Sammael-worshipping', not 'Satan'. Just because most religious dumbasses can't keep Satan and Lucifer straight doesn't mean _WE_ shouldn't. Sammael is a Fallen Angel, probably of the realm of Poison, possibly a fragment of the Metatron. Lucifer is the Fallen Angel of the Ever-Brighter Morning. Satan was a rogue Angel who lead Adam and Eve into temptation. Xuchilapaba is an ancient god that no one has ever heard and was quite possibly made exclusively for this game. James: [confused] Uhhh..... Angela: [pausing] Wait... the author'll do a websearch to make certain of that.... [James stared at Angela.] Angela: Yeah, he's fictional. That or no websites on Altavista, Google AND Yahoo have anything but Silent Hill references about him, if he did exist. James: .........what about the story? The author's been trying to keep _some_ of the pre-existing actions to continue. Angela: PFFFT! Have you READ Cerl Descending? He'll include everything that he wants to, change what he doesn't like, and probably have the ending be some self-engrandizement about how-YES! FINALLY! TAKE THAT, YOU PUNK-ASS BITCH! [Angela played in silence for a few minutes until she could save, then turned off the gameboy. She looked at James.] Angela: You're still here? James: Duh! He probably wants to set up the possibility for every ending. Angela: Uh-huh. And next, you'll be saying something that's a rewrite of a line from the original game, only targetted at the person who was supposed to say it. James: "That Ernest... he's a bad man..." Angela: See? James: [O_O] @#$%#$!$%#!%^#$^#$%@! Angela: [deadpanning] With a mouth like that, how could you possibly keep that minty-fresh breath of yours? [sniffing the air] How DO you keep that minty-fresh and so powerful? We must be about five feet apart... James: Actually, those are mint-flavored suppositories.(12) I farted back when you said "TAKE THAT, YOU PUNK-ASS BITCH!" [Angela blanches.] Angela: That's gross! [picks up a Lance of Longinus prop stolen from a nearby set (13) and hurls it at James, where it slams inbetween his legs, barely missing his "twig and berries"] I'm outta here. [runs from the room] James: [stares at the ten foot lance, which narrowly avoided his berry-covered twig that he'd found in a nearby room] How am I supposed to tuck THAT into my pockets? [slaps himself in the side of the head] Duh, I have a friggin' Great Knife and a rifle in my pants. A Lance of Longinus is nothing. [---] [Heather was angry. Nay, furious. Though she'd blown up a number of locales in Silent Hill when she and Douglas were driving into the city, the pre-rendered nature of the town had restored them the instant the FMV was over. Since she could no longer damage any of the rendered buildings, no matter how many missiles she fired at them, she'd decided to go monster-hunting.] Douglas: [panicking as he got out of his car, which the Konami Code had changed into a Batmobile] Wait! I don't like that "Possessed" Ending... Heather: [sneering after sticking her tongue out at him] Tough noogies! I'm going to vent until my unlimited ammo runs out! Just be glad you're non-targetable! Douglas: [rolling his eyes in frustration] Great... [With that, Heather began walking around town, unleashing high-speed multiple and varied warheaded death upon the monsters of Silent Hill, sending Valtiel, both Pyramid Heads, thousands of Insane Cancers, Split-Headed Dogs, Patient Demons, Zombie Dogs, Invisible Children, Vicious Invisible Children, Koopa Troopas and various other token (and curiously out of place) monsters skyward in the first hour of mayhem. She also hit a few Yoshis, but they were invincible and thus, simply galloped off, blinking rapidly. She also nailed Solid Snake, but no one cared who Solid Snake slept with.] Scooby Doo: [O_O] ROLY RHIT, RAGGY! RET'S RET RHE RUCK ROUT ROF RERE! Shaggy: [O_O] I hear that, Scoob! [The Mystery Machine drove off with Fred, Daphne and Velma clinging to the backdoors, unwilling to let go.] Fred: [over the sound of the engine as he clutched the detached muffler, which he and Velma had been trying to fix (with Daphne supervising)] WELL, AT LEAST WE MANAGED TO HOLD ON _THIS_ TIME! Velma: [to herself] And people wonder why I don't hook up with Shaggy. Daphne: [over the engine] ACTUALLY, PEOPLE ARE MORE COMFORTABLE WITH THE IDEA THAT YOU'RE A LESBIAN! [Suddenly, the van hit something and a tiny object flew from the Mystery Machine. Also, the Konami Code caused the following comments to appear in Spanish. Please note that the Konami Code might have interfered with what was being heard.] Fred: [over the engine] No debe preocuparse, el neumático izquierdo delantero no necesitó esa tuerca del estirón. (14) Velma: [simulataneously] ¡Ensamble a club de la diversión de Nintendo hoy, Mac!(15) Daphne: [simulataneously] La cuchara es solamente eficaz contra los enemigos invulnerables a la cualidad de la ' bifurcación '.(16) [Suddenly, Super-Friend Batman pushed the red button, launching his Bat Jetski and the Mystery Machine into an alternate reality where refridgerators were lava streams and people could wear no pants or underwear without dying, contracting Mono or becoming really really bored. And that's the last of the spanish... at least until James meets Maria again. ^_^] ======================================================================= All spanish provided by Yuka Takeuchi Fan's "Estupido Gringo" webpage. (1) - A-kun: I don't drink booze, but I like to pretend I do. I also like to laugh at what other people WILL drink, not to mention what they'll name their drinks. Clearly, without needing any scientific data, people should have known that alcohol kills brain cells ages ago. Also, you shouldn't be able to catch dysentary from alcohol. (2) - A-kun: Plus, she struck his foot, not his head. (3) - A-kun: No one'll ever get this, but it's from the Zany Video Game Archive. I forget which game, but it's one of the many flying-shooters from ages long ago, except this one featured a talking dolphin. (4) - A-kun: Really BFG. (5) - A-kun: Er, that is that say, I never watch the Teletubby and know nothing of their magically fun world....... @#$@#$! (6) - A-kun: If I recall correctly, this is the name of the Frat started in the movie "Nerds". (7) - A-kun: Deleted Addition - [and finally whaling (HARPOON AWAY!)] OW! Stupid harpoon! [Eddie pulled the harpoon through his chest and tossed it aside casually, ignoring the gaping wound the prongs had left in his torso] (8) - A-kun: Eddie is the exception, but he looks like he could stash a few pizza boxes in his shirt and no one would ever know. (9) - A-kun: You heard me. Not a Gameboy Color, Pocket, Advance or Advance SP. A First-Generation Gameboy. (10) - A-kun's Translation: "There is no insecticide capable of taking on these spiders! Retreat!" (11) - A-kun's Translation: "You will have to forgive me, I cannot speak a word of Spanish." (12) - A-kun: I've heard these are an actual product, meant to combat the dreaded "roaming fart" syndrome. TharzZzDunNite: And possibly reduce the number of times women have to blame it on the dog. (13) - A-kun: Neon Genesis Evangelion. A series that, like Silent Hill, wields the symbolism of "Religion" with all the subtley of a brick. (14) - A-kun's Translation: "It is not to worry, the left front tire did not need that lug nut." (15) - A-kun's Translation: "Join the Nintendo Fun Club today, Mac!" (16) - A-kun's Translation: "The spoon is only effective against enemies invulnerable to the 'fork' attribute." Next Time: Cerl's plotline gets just that... a plotline! A-kun: Peace, out! TharzZzDunN: War, in! Writer - A-kun Inserter of Ultra-Weird - TharzZzDunN