And most importantly, don't take what I say too seriously. What's a 26-year old doing ranting about a 25-year-old show written for 8-year olds, anyway? (^.~)
Mostly written on March 20, 1998, with major revision on March 22,
1998.
I will be nice I will be nice I will be nice I will be nice I will be nice.
I'll even try to think about nice things to say about this episode.
I will be nice I will be nice I will be nice I will be nice...
(insert Ayako's great big sigh here.)
But my noble resolution is about to be broken five seconds into the episode when I realize that this is yet another episode beginning with carrying on by the Narrator From H*ll, and I can't remember if there was a narrator in BotP or if it was all done by the only thing that could possibly surpasses the Narrator From H*ll in sheer obnoxiousness, which would be the Tin Can From H*ll, a.k.a. Zark. (And I haven't seen the Turnerverse either, so all input would regarding narrations in the English speaking incarnations would be greatly appreciated.) Anyway, NFH tells us (accompanied by the familiar menacing background music) that at the deep bottom of the vast sea, there lie many mysteries, and one of them is the Ships' Graveyard, where sailors say ships come to die.
Then the music changes to a sweet syrupy flute music, and NFH tells us that the sea has a different, kinder, gentler side, the sea is mother to all life, it gives man salt and fish, blah blah blah. And now, the ISO has created a fish farm and a way to drill for undersea oil without polluting the water, and the wonderful ISO will make a peaceful, beautiful and pollution free ocean, but from what I've heard about fish farming it kind of makes the water dirty because of the plankton feeding on the excess fish feed and the waste products from an unnaturally high population density of fish.
The music becomes menacing again, and we have a ship. There's an officer who asks his Cap'n if the waters they're navigating is in the general area known as the "Ships' Graveyard". The good Cap'n tells him that it is inappropriate for a crew of the ISO Ocean Exploration Vessel to be worried about superstition. Officer apologizes. Cap'n asks if there's anything on radar. Radarman says no. Cap'n asks for current location. Radarman starts to answer. Then we get the standard "What is it? Aaaugh!! It is a (insert name of monster of the week here, which happens to be a ghost ship this week)" and then the standard menacing music, and then the standard monster of the week destroying innocent victim, with shot of sailors running from flames.
Then we get different menacing music and the Ghost Ship breaking different things.
Then we get Chief Anderson pacing in the glass walled/ ceiling room of the so-called undersea base, and if I were making an undersea base I would not have used so much glass. Chief Anderson pouts that he's lost five ocean survey vessels in the so-called Ships' Graveyard area, and Dr. Nambu reminds us that the Ships' Graveyard is the area that generations of sailors have feared and avoided, LIKE WE GET THE POINT ALREADY ABOUT THE SHIPS' GRAVEYARD. Then Chief Anderson says that this is the age of science, and then goes rattling off in self-back-thumping about the ISO pollution free undersea oil field, and the fish farm, and how the power of science will make the sea beautiful and benefit all of humanity. Dr. Nambu says that Galactor will not like it, and Chief Anderson says that they must not be underestimated and that they are their worst enemy, and that the Ships' Graveyard incidents are probably Galactor linked.
Then we get menacing music and Berg Katze, and the Purple Doberman on Speed (Copyright Lori McDonald-sama) announces Sosai's new orders. Apparently the Giant Blue Chicken has announced that Galactor is to conquer the Seven Seas as a step toward world domination, and that the ISO undersea base is a threat against that plan, so they have to destroy it. And all of a sudden I realize why PDOS looked so pale on episode 4--he wasn't wearing pink lipstick the way he is this episode.
Cut back to Chief Anderson and Dr. N, walking in a glass hallway in the undersea base. Chief A. says that the undersea oil field and the fish farm must be protected at all costs. Dr. N says that he has secretly summoned the SNT. Chief A. is impressed and asks what they are doing here.
All right. I am trying to make sense of Dr. N's reply, but I cannot do it because what he is saying does not make sense. So if you don't understand what Dr. N. means when I tell you he said, "sir. Only I know their true identities. I am the only one that has seen their true faces. That is what the Science Ninja Team is all about", please do not send me flames or death threats because IT IS NOT MY FAULT, and if you translate shoddy Japanese that doesn't make any sense, all that you are going to get is shoddy English that doesn't make any sense. (Flames and death threats for other reasons are still welcome, but remember, no hacking or viruses.)
Then the music changes and...wait a minute...is this for real? "Dareda Theme in E Major?"
Give me a moment please.
(To tell the truth, I am not sure that it was in the key of E major, because although I have a reasonable sense of relative pitch, I have next to no sense of absolute pitch. Input from those that do, such as singers and violinists, would be appreciated.)
So we have Jun and Jinpei water skiing and Ken is on the motorboat pulling them, and I am debating which I hate more, Jun OAV's WHITE SWIMSUIT that looked as if her boingboingboingboingboingboingboings were going to pop out at any given moment, or this Jun in a red bikini with a single red four-pointed star on each breast and a pot belly. I am also wondering WHAT IN THE H-E-DOUBLE-TOOTHPICK IS KEN WEARING AROUND HIS NECK?
Ken is steering the boat and he hollers here goes, Jinpei! Jun and Jinpei are like yaay! And then Ken goes toward a jump platform and Jun makes a graceful jump but Jinpei flails and ends up in the water, and Ken is like you s**k, weren't you saying something about being a descendant of the Iga ninja clan (which is, for those not familiar with jidaigeki, or Japanese period plays, one of two Japanese ninja clans that you often see or hear about in these period plays, the other being the Koga ninja clan), and Jinpei is like oops, and I am like whatever.
Cut to Ryu and Joe on the beach. Ryu is watching the water skiing and says, I could never do that, this is no fun, like we get the point about Ryu being a little klutzy, as if they would hire a klutz to be on a so-called elite Science Ninja Team? And another thing, if we have to have those dory numbered jerseys, could we please not have Ryu wear a pair of NMUBERED SWIMMING TRUNKS?? And Joe is lying on a beach chair under a beach parasol, wearing huge sunglasses that were popular around when I was born, like my mom used to have a pair just like the ones he is wearing, which makes sense because the show was originally broadcast like a couple weeks after my first birthday. Joe says kind of sternly, Ryu, and Ryu is like what do you want, and Joe tells Ryu that it's no big deal that Ryu can't water ski because it is not as if they are here for fun and games. Ryu is like I know that, but stil..and Joe says aside, I am going to get my revenge against Galactor, in a reference to an upcoming plot, perhaps.
And then, the little sister says what's with the shape of Joe's sunglasses, and I remind her of Mom's sunglasses, and she says "no, I mean the shape of the view through Joe's sunglasses, so I rewind the tape. Sure enough, when Joe is telling Ryu that they're not here for fun and games, we get a tinted view of Ryu and the other people on the beach, and the shape of the field of view is kind of angular, as if you were looking through a pair of ski sunglasses, but Joe is wearing round sunglasses, which doesn't make sense, so I will just quote Ali-sama from "Collision Course" and say "consistency is not an option.
Cut to Ken who says, "what is that?", (you could have a drinking game with making someone take a drink every time someone says "what is that" or "who is it" or "all right" on this show). Ryu is like "huh?" and we get Menacing Music, and Ken says "oh no, the undersea oil is leaking, and Jun says that's a lot of oil, this is bad (actually that isn't exactly what she said, but it is close enough, and if there is anyone out there who has translated or will translate what just came out of Jun-chan's mouth, bless your dear heart because I for one cannot make flowery outdated Japanese into anything other than flowery outdated English). Ken says, "all right" (Ayako empties her drink), back to the island.
Then we get explosions and menacing music and screams and people running. There is a very, very unattractive male tech who is dressed in a...leotard? With a collar? And a necktie? Whatever. The Tech is speaking on a radio, saying it is a ghost! It is a ghost submarine! I can't believe it! It's like a nightmare! Aaguh! And I am beginning to wonder if I should include "aaaugh" in the drinking game, too, and didn't we get that exact same shot of people running from flames when the Ghost Sub attacked the exploration vessel?
Cut to Ken in the Cessna. Dr. Nambu is on the wristcom, saying this is Nambu, G-1 and Ken goes this is G-1. Go ahead, and Dr. N says the unidentified submarine has completed its attack and is heading for the Ships' Graveyard, pursue at once, and Ken is like whatever, and Dr. N says launch the GP, and Ken is like whatever and goes to Birdstyle.
Then we get the team in the GP and Ken hollers prepare to dive, and Ryu is like whatever, and the GP goes underwater.
Menacing Music. Joe displays his unhappiness toward Galactor. Ken hollers Joe, begin sonar search. Joe like whatever. Joe hollering he has it, which I am not even going to comment on. Ken says all right. Ayako takes a drink. Ken says to follow at full speed. Ryu is like whatever.
Cut to the inside of the Ghost Sub Mecha. The Galactor Commander of the week, who is wearing a Halloween skeleton mask with horns, says that he thinks he's being followed by the GP and asks Berg Katze if he should turn and attack. The Purple Doberman on Speed says, you do and you won't stand a chance, just lead them to the Ships' Graveyard, so PDOS is familiar with McGuyver's First Law.
Cut to GP. Joe is unhappy and says waste products, the sub cut its engines. Ken says too bad, he wanted to see it, but there's no turning back now (which I don't understand, because they can turn back if they wanted to) and tells Ryu to follow.
Then we get the standard "something-is-going-to-happen-and-we-are-letting-you-know-by-playing-this-spooky-music" and Jinpei says it's spooky, so I suppose he can hear the music too. Jun says fraidy-cat, you're a man aren't you, and thank you Jun-chan for reinforcing Tatsunoko sexism, like a girl will shriek and run to the nearest male when seeing a smashed insect (please refer to Production Diary of episode 10, the Ant episode) while standard acceptable behavior of a man is fearlessness.
Joe says submarines! And Ken tells Ryu to stop because this could be the Ships' Graveyard, the place they've been looking for. Ryu says whatever. Jun says she can't believe there are so many sunken submarines. Ryu says likely they're from long ago wars, gosh darn it, why do people fight wars anyway, Jinpei says probably because there are bad guys that boss people around and order them to fight wars, so thank you again Tatsunoko, for your standard "War Bad, No more Hiroshima, Japan is a victim of WWII" statement. Jun says, "I wonder if Galactor is being ordered by someone too? We don't have any idea who is giving the orders..." which leaves me with my mouth hanging open because I think this is the first time I have heard Jun-chan saying something functional. Joe asks the others if they don't think something is strange. Ken asks what. Joe points out that all different kinds of ships have sunk in the past, like ocean liners, fishing boats, oil tankers, lots of different kinds of boats, but here, all you see are..." and Jun cuts in, you're right, they're all warships, and I am disappointed because Jun-chan is reduced back to a hai-hai girl circa 70s Japanese Talk show, whose function is to basically nod yes and giggle on cue. Ken says, I see, so this isn't just a Ships' Graveyard, all right (Ayako says "no duh" and takes a drink), let's check it out, surface, which really doesn't make much sense because all the sunken ships are under the water and if I wanted to check out the "every ship's a warship" situation, I'd be diving deeper and not surfacing, but that would prevent a very important thing in this episode from happening, so I guess Ryu has to listen to Ken and surface.
Ryu says the fog is really thick and there's no visibility, and Ken tells him to turn the lights off, like as if Ryu, brilliant pilot of the GP wouldn't know to hit the lights in a fog, no, wait a minute, maybe he's thinking and doesn't think the lights are a good idea because they'd give their location away to the enemy, and if I were Ryu, I'd be sitting on top of this arrogant fatherless creature, but Ryu is a much nicer person than I am, and so he says "you got it" and turns on the lights. Joe tells everyone else to look and Jun says "the fog is swirling", and the little sister says "and it's orange.". Ken says maybe the fog was man-made, and Jun says man-made? And I am thinking of adding "one drink if Jun repeats what someone else says, two drinks if the person is Ken" to the drinking game. Ken says if they head to the center of the fog, they may find some leads, and tells Ryu to fly slow. Joe says "what in the h-e-double toothpick, it's battleships, Ghost Battleships", and then there's fireworks, and the Team freaks. Ken says "that was close", and Joe says the Science Ninja Team shouldn't be scared of something like that, but he's sweating himself, and to top it all off the perspiration on his face is not moving one bit. and Ken tells Ryu to hit the infrared filter on the monitor. Ryu says whatever. Ken says there's something out there, get a little closer, and then he finds it and says what is making the fog. Joe wants to fire the Bird Missiles, and the button is round and has a raised clear cover, but I could have sworn the button that Ken made the girl who didn't have a name until the voice credits rolled by press just one episode ago didn't have a cover, and was square. Ken, goody-goody-Hakase's pet reminds Joe that the Bird Missiles cannot be fired without Dr. Nambu's permission, LIKE WE GET THE POINT ALREADY ABOUT THE BIRD MISSILES. Ken the proceeds to deliver his spiel about how they've discovered Galactor's machine for creating artificial fog, but they have to nuke the thing or they won't be able to unmask the enemy, so would Dr. Nambu pretty please with sugar on top let them fire the Bird Missiles? Dr. Nambu starts to get indigestion or constipation or whatever gastrointestinal aliment that makes him frown and close his eyes the way he does, and while he is doing this, Ken is whining "Dr. Nambu", and WOULD SOMEONE TEACH THIS KID SOME GOOD OLD FASHIONED JAPANESE MANNERS ABOUT NOT PRESSING YOUR ELDER AND SUPERIOR FOR A RESPONSE ALREADY??
But Dr. Nambu isn't going to be the one to do this because all he says is whatever, I guess I'll make an exception, and Ken says roger, and what kind of answer is "roger" anyway? Ken turns to Joe and Joe says "all right" (and Ayako empties her glass, and it is a good thing Ayako isn't really doing this because if she were she'd be the color of the nose of the GP right about now.) Joe presses that famous button, but this time the button has a clear flat cover, so apparently the button is a shapechanging button, for security reasons perhaps? The fog generating warship is fried, and Jinpei is like way to go, but Ken points out that there are more Ghost Ships, all from the Ships' Graveyard, and Joe is like whatever, we'll just nuke them like we did this one, and Ken says Joe, which I am not even going to comment on. Joe says hey, we already got permission from Dr. Nambu to fire them, we may as well go all the way, and Joe reminds me of this five-year old I babysat once, who would go nit-picking at every little loophole in the instructions I gave him, and half of me would be as mad as a wet Giant Blue Chicken, and the other half of me would be impressed and wondering if this kid would have a promising career in politics or something. And Joe keeps pressing the red button, and Jinpei is jumping up and down excitedly, like would someone get this kid some Ritalin?
Ken says, something's wrong, and we know he's right because we hear the standard issue "something-is-going-to-happen-during-the-last-ten-minutes-of-this-episode" menacing music, and the Team is like oh my goodness and Jun is like oh my goodness, and Joe says "saucers" and Jinpei says there are a lot of them, and I am thinking, yes, I can see that.
Joe says take that and fires some more missiles, and all of a sudden I realize what the "something-that-will-happen-in-the-last-ten-minutes-of-the-episode" is, and I am debating whether I should turn off the VCR, or stick around and see McGuyver's First Law in action.
Sure enough, Joe is pressing the red button and all we get is empty clicking and then we get a shot of the missile bay or whatever that darn thing is called (all input welcome) and we get more clicking and Joe with an "oh waste products" look on his face and some more empty clicking, LIKE WE GET THE POINT ALREADY ABOUT THERE BEING NO MORE MISSILES and Ken says what's wrong, and Joe says we're out of missiles LIKE WE GET THE POINT ALREADY ABOUT THERE BEING NO MORE MISSILES and Jun and Jinpei are like what, and I am thinking are you two deaf? And Jun says oh and Ken says all right Ryu (and it is time to take another drink again), dive into the ocean, and Ryu is like whatever, and we hear lively trumpet music with a backbeat, and since it is a nice, catchy melody you know that they're good guys, but Joe can't hear the music (which is too bad because it is pretty nice music) so he says "what is it" and Jinpei says "wow, cool" and Ken says be careful because it's headed this way, look out, Team freaks, Ken freaks, Ken says here it comes again. The Red planes fire on another group of saucers, and they don't even graze them with the laser beams or whatever it is that they fire, but the saucers kind of collide into one another, so what happened?? Jun falls and says Ow, and we get fireworks, and Jinpei says wow, they got them all, and then we hear laughter, and a voice saying "Members of the Science Ninja Team! I am Red Impulse!" and Ken says "Red Impulse?" and I am thinking is Ken-chan losing his hearing, and Red Impulse says "until we meet again" and flies off.
Ken says to himself, "Red Impulse. Who is he? Is he enemy ? Or is he on our side?" because he didn't get to hear the music.
Then we get that glass hallway again, and I am wondering if that thing wasn't cracked into a billion pieces by the Ghost Sub but I guess not because Chief Anderson and Dr. Nambu are walking in it. Chief Anderson is carrying on about how peaceful and beautiful the ocean is and how that is the way it should be, and that they have the Science Ninja team and Dr. Nambu to thank for that, and I am thinking Dr. Nambu maybe but it was Red Impulse that saved the day. And then we get this totally contrived line by Chief Anderson asking Dr. Nambu what the Team is doing now. Dr. Nambu says he doesn't know, they may be conducting activities in secret, in anticipation of a Galactor attack, or, they could just be having fun, and just how contrived is that line?
Sure enough, we get a shot of the Team harassing a sea turtle to that awful "Dareda theme in E major" again, like wasn't there an international law about harassing an endangered species?
(insert Ayako's great big sigh here.)
I promised myself I would be nice and list things I thought were cool about this episode, but this one is really tough. But here goes.
First, it establishes two very important things in the Gatch storyline. The first is Jun's line about Galactor receiving orders from someone. IIRC, this is the first statement from someone on the ISO/ Gatch side that there is a GBC. The second would be the appearance of Red Impulse. Until now, the Good Guys were the Team and The UN Armed Forces. The UN Armed Forces (in the show, in the show ^.~) so far have left something to be desired in terms of competence. Now we have RI, who is an effective fighting force. And call me silly, I like the RI theme brass music. I would even go so far to say that unlike the "Dareda" theme and the "Whadump whadump Galactor is coming" theme, it would sound perfectly natural in an anime released tomorrow. Besides, very few people know it well even on this side of the pond, so I don't get too many strange looks if I am humming it all day. (^.~)
Another thing I have to be thankful for...I wasn't watching G-Force. I didn't have to listen to Dirk Daring whine "I used up all the missiles!" And a great big shout out to Shana Gardener-sama who did watch G-Force and told me that Dirk said this in a very whiney voice, and a great big huggle and warm blankey to Alara Rogers-sama, because I think that names like Dirk Daring and Dr. Brighthead are CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY and because I wrote that, tonight I am probably going to have nightmares of a bald Nambu character whose shiny bald head reflects light and blinds the Team...
Hey, wouldn't that make the scariest Galactor mecha?
(^-^)/))