Production Diaries

Prologue

Okay, this is it. The day we've all been waiting for...well, me, anyway. I am going to the corner bookstore to rent the Gatchaman series videos.

 The bookstore has been on the corner of the prefectural road since I was in high school. Sometimes I would stop there on my way home from school on my bicycle. Besides selling books, it also sells CD's, cosmetics, toys, and has a video rental service, with a fairly decent anime collection. (I am no animaniac, so don't quote me on that). I drive there in my little '88 Honda City (that's a little Civic, in case they never made those in the US. They don't make them anymore in Japan, either.) to the store...

 And I am in the anime section and I realize that all the other people in the section are males about my age or a little older, all with bad skin and dirty jeans that look like they would maintain three-dimensional configuration without being worn, and thick glasses, all overweight, all wearing dirty sneakers, like maybe they should go all the way and carry around flashing neon signs that say O-T-A-K-U, and (since as I have mentioned I am in the denial phase of the 12-step program and I am still successfully able to tell myself I am not one of them, even if I am, the only difference being I am female and my sneakers are reasonably clean as are my jeans), I tell myself I am going to find the video in question as fast as I can and then get out as fast as I can because these people are scaring me. I find the classic anime section and pick up volume 1. The Gatchaman video series is a ten volume set of videos...

 Mistake no.2. The e-mail I sent to Oneesama last week haunts me...don't worry, the whole set is for rent at the local bookstore. I can rent them for 300 yen a week. You won't have to make copies for me off your $1000 LD set!!"

 I take the case to the cashier and pay my 300 yen and 350 yen for an extension on my membership, and head home. Which is when I made mistake no. 3.

 I get home and put the tape in the VCR. I turn on the TV and hit play on the remote.

 *?!?!?!* (I'm not in the habit of using profanity, probably since no one has ever taught me to swear coherently.)

Yes. I rented OAV No.1 Gatchaman vs. Turtle King instead of (original) Gatchaman vol. 1.

 This is not starting out well.

 It takes me a while to convince myself that since I have rented the video and they aren't going to give me a refund of my 350 yen no matter how fast I take the darn thing back to the store, I may as well watch the thing and enjoy it as much as I can.

So the story begins with something crashing into the earth, so I am left to assume this is X. And then the screen says "30 million years later" and we get news footage about how the nation of Hontworl has left the UN and has formed a military alliance with the Republic of Assham, and President Beouluc of Hontworl had a birthday party. Then we get this mech which I am left to guess is Turtle King, only I think it looks more like a stegosaurus than anything, which annihilates the city of Myor (where do they come up with these names?)

Then we get the famous logo.

The scene changes to Utoland City, March 21, 2066 (is there any siginificance in this date?). We get a shot this man who has obviously no sense of fashion, and his hair looks like he took an entire can of floor wax and smeared it all over and then tried to make his hair into a beehive but didn't quite succeed. I am sure that his pink jacket and purple whatever that can't decide if it is a scarf or (in a meta-reference to the title of this video, perhaps) a turtleneck, are custom tailored, because no clothing manufacturer in their right minds would mass produce clothing like that. And since everyone is calling him Nambu Hakase, I suppose he must be the famous Dr. Nambu/ Chief Anderson/ Dr. Brighthead. Dr. Nambu is talking about how the nation of Hontowol has walked out on the UN, and weird low pressure systems have been observed all over the planet, and how scientists have been disappearing from around these low pressure systems. And the real Chief Anderson (for the longest time I was confused about Chief Anderson of BotP and Chief Anderson of Gatchaman. It took me a while to figure out that it was not my but Sandy Frank's fault.) instructs Dr. N to keep a close eye on things.

(May I ask why there are no female scientists in this bunch? I mean, not all countries are as sexist as Japan, you know, and they ARE giving the impression that Dr. Nambu is the only Japanese person in the room, even though they are all speaking Japanese a la old WWII movies...)

Then we go to a plane and a middle aged man (see, no female scientists even in the 90's version, would you please get with the REAL science scene, Tatsunoko and Columbia, like in basic research, females are the rule and not the exception, thank you very much) gets a phone call and it is our good friend in purple and he is telling Dr. Beer Belly to come join our party and Dr. Beer Belly, whose name is really Dr. Kirkland, is like not in this lifetime, and then the Turtle Mech sucks the plane in. Bad guys take the scientist and release the plane, and then fires at the plane, destroying it and of course killing the passengers (this is the original and they can be as violent as they darn well please! No "fortunately everyone was rescued", thank goodness.)

Then we get Dr. Nambu again, and that the mysterious organization Gallactor is probably behind this scheme to destroy world order as we know it, blah, blah, blah. And all of a sudden it hits me that Gallactor sounds so remarkably like the Japanese word "garakuta" (they pronounce it "Gyarakutaah"), which means useless junk, and I am all wondering if the original writers were thinking about this 26 long years ago when they came up with the name.

 And then Dr. Nambu is talking about how he has had this secret team just for this purpose, and I am holding my breath because the "new look" the team sports has had mixed reviews.

Shot of this boy with black hair in a cereal bowl haircut that flying this Cessna, and I assume it must be Ken/ Mark/ Ace/ Hunter, even though he looks way too pretty, almost female. His bracelet starts to beep and it's Dr. Nambu telling him that this turtle mech is attacking the city, and that the Science Ninja team should go and track it, and attempt to locate the Gallactor base. Too cute. Too pretty. Maybe for a different character, but I don't think I like it as a look for Gatchaman.

Cut to a scene with rock formations scarily reminiscent of the 80's TV show Airwolf, but I suppose you can't really copyright scenery, especially if it actually exists the way I understand these rocks do (but I'm not sure where�Eomeone help me?) Then there is this guy with long brown hair and very menacing eyes and an earring and is shooting at things so I figure this is the Joe/ Jason/ Dirk character. And Joe is shooting at things with a revolver (I think), like tin cans and beer bottles, and it was just fine when he was doing them Dirty Harry style but then he goes and tosses the gun to his other hand starts shooting under one arm and so I am thinking 1) I really could have done without the bad Macaroni Western clip 2) I think you have a revolver, you have shot at a good number of cans and bottles with it, when did you reload your gun? We see a flashback of his parents and gunshots. And then we have Joe in the shower, and we see his tattoo, and the rest of his person (equal opportunity nudity much?) He uncovers his car which looks rather retro. Hmm. Not bad. I think the long hair and earring and tattoo are appropriate. And I like the look in his eyes that says "you sure you want to mess with me?"

Would I want to date someone like that ? Probably not.

 And then Jun is on her motorcycle, without her helmet, and then it is this cute kid with shoulder length brown hair on a hoverboard like in Back to the Future 2 yelling at her that she must be really happy to be able to see "Aniki" again, and she hollers at him to shut up and get into the G-4, so this must be the Jinpei/ Keyop/ Pee-wee/ Mickey character. Very nice, I think the original was a bit too ugly. This new look makes him come across more like the fun-loving, mischievous but competent boy he is.

And then I am screaming again because we see a big, bulky young man with PURPLE and YELLOW hair in a PONYTAIL and since we get at shot of a sign that says “yacht harbor* I have no choice but to think that this is the Ryu/ Tiny/ Hootie/ Ollie character...and IIRC the whole point of Ryu was that he didn't care about how he looked as long as he had food and the people he loved and the Godpheonix, so I really don't think he would be coloring his hair funky colors. And his bracelet goes off and he tries to get up and the chair he was dozing in splinters. He goes inside his boathouse and opens this door in the floor and takes a deep breath and dives in, and this carrier or something pulls him deep underwater, probably toward the Godpheonix, because...

Dr. Nambu says "Godpheonix, take off!"

Ken says goodbye to a photo of his father (whose face we do not see, so we know that we are going to get the Red Impulse ep on video) and his mother, and gets into the Cessna, and while he is flying he says "Bird Go!" at his bracelet and we see him standing in his Birdstyle and the Cessna has become the G-1. (Is it wrong of me to wonder how he is standing while flying the Cessna/ G-1?)

And Joe says the same into his bracelet and we see him in Birdstyle, but he's not standing in the Condor Machine, thank goodness.

And Jun says "Bird-go!" at her bracelet, and she is soaring above her motorcycle stark naked, like thank you Columbia, if I had wanted pornography I would have gone to the adult movies section, and where did you get your boob job Jun-chan, I would have waited until at least 19 before getting any plastic surgery so I know I am all done growing. If that weren't enough we see her turn a flip in the air (this I have no problem with), STILL NAKED (this I do have a problem with), before she comes back down on her motorcycle which has become the G-3, in Birdstyle with pink skirt. And the G-3 goes into the Godpheonix, and I breathe a sigh of relief.

Then we get Jinpei's change to Birdstyle, without any kiddy porn, thank goodness, and the G-4 enters the Godpheonix.

Then the G-2 does its 100-meter jump to the Godpheonix to take its position in its nose, and the G-1 is pulled into the tail.

Ken comes into the main cabin/ cockpit, and Joe is all when can we get these jerks and Ken ignores him and orders everyone to their places. Then we get Dr. Nambu who tells them their mission is to locate and observe the low pressure system which is really cloud cover for the Gallactor mech.

So they find the big weather system and Joe wants to shoot the thing with Bird Missiles, and Ken points out that those are not Dr. N's orders. So Joe says "you don't understand because your parents were not killed by Gallactor".

Jun announces that El Nino is heading for Kaimar City (where do they get these names?), which is where they are doing important research for the Mantle Plan, Dr. N's pet project for clean energy for the whole planet. Ken tells her to notify Dr. N, evacuate the city and send in the UN forces. But El Nino annihilates the city and the fighters from the UN forces, and Joe is accusing Ken of making the wrong decision.

Dr. N is on the monitor again and tells the team that from the information they have gathered, the Mech was made by unknown, extraterrestrial technology (This is a bad translation, but it was bad dialogue). And Jinpei is thrilled that he may be fighting ET's with eight legs like an octopus (I suppose it is a Japanese thing about Martians having lots of legs), but Jun scolds him.

Then Dr. N is shot in the elevator by one of the scientists we saw in the opening where he was making his big schpeil about the mysterious organization, but unfortunately it was just a tranquilizer gun, so I guess he wasn't executed for his crime of fashion.

Jun announces that El Nino has changed course and is heading for Utoland City, and Ken, of course, says "Nani!!" (And may I add this is the first time I hear any Eagle say this simply because I've never watched the darn thing in Japanese!)

Dr. N wakes up and the president of Hontowol is in front of him telling him that he is on Katzenberg, which is the name of the craft (And I KNOW where they came up with this name), and to join him in his new world order and Dr. N is like not in this lifetime, but if I were the president of Hontowol I would be tempted to shoot Dr. N just for his taste in clothing and forget his scientific abilities.

Ken is upset that he can't contact Dr. N or the UN. Jun says "I know! It must be because of the military action that must be taking place all over the world. The attack on Kaimar City (where do they come up with these names) has increased global tension. (And I am making a bad translation, but this is what she said and if I may make excuses Jun sounded just as unnatural as I did when she said it.) If Gallactor attacks Utoland City, there will be another world war!" and I am beginning to find buxom Jun with the forced flirty voice really annoying.

And Dr. N is taken to this large room and he finds all the scientists that were missing. They tell him to join them in their new world order, and Dr. N mutters something about mind control. The Hontowol President tells Dr. N that he is needed, and Dr. N says "I will stop you at any cost, Leader of Gallactor, Berg Katze!" (Again, I am making a bad translation, but I have an excuse*.) And then we see that the Prez was really our good friend in purple in disguise, and he really has this cool tenor of a voice that makes him sound like the androgenous character he is (though I heard that this part of the story isn't played on that much. Too bad.).

Joe and Jun want to know what Ken intends to do, and Joe wants to fire Bird Missiles, like if I were Ken I would tell him to go back to his tin cans if he wants to shoot things so badly. But Ken is a much nicer person and a better leader than I am, and he says the plan is to get inside the Giant Turtle and destroy the thing from the inside. And Joe grins menacingly and says he likes the plan. So the Godpheonix is put on auto pilot and the five of them glide to Gamera.

Jinpei opens the hatch by breaking the entry code with his palmtop. The leader of the Giant Turtle notices the intrusion, and he sends in the Blackbirds, who I must say look very, very sleek. Ken says that he and Jun will go to the engine room, and the others will go gather as much info about the ship as they can, and Jinpei is all I bet you're happy One-chan, and Jun scolds him.

Then we get Ken taking out guards with very fancy choreography and a couple of damaged carotid arteries compliments of the Birdrang. Jun sets charges. Ken fights Blackbirds. Ken wins. Jun hears commotion and says in a really concerned really flirty voice (you didn't have to make it that obvious that she has a crush on him) wants to know what's wrong. Ken says everything is under control. Jun finishes setting charges.

In the control room Joe is strangling standard Gallactor goons with wire, who have much more stylish green suits without the messy hair than the originals. And he says "too easy. Maybe I should have made them tell us where the base is before taking them out." And Jinpei goes "Leave that part to the great Jinpei-sama." And he has the palmtop again, and he tries to hack his way into the main computer, but it doesn't work so Ryu says that the Gallactor computer is smarter than Jinpei. And then we get a Blackbird, and Joe is all "well there are some here who know a little about how to fight" and Joe goes off so the two of them follow of course, and Joe says "WHO TOLD YOU TO FOLLOW ME?" and they run into this room and they're surrounded by goons with guns and they're like "It's a trap!"

And the Captain of the Turtle Mech with the turtle mask is asking how they got in and who they are and then the Birdrang comes flying, and we get "Sometimes one, sometimes five, the white shadow that slips in unseen, defender of good, Gatchaman!!!" (Did I get the translation right? I don't think I've ever heard the translation!) so we know Ken and Jun have come to rescue the others.

And we get a fight sequence with Birdrangs and feather Shurikens and Elenets (I think that is what it was called, the laser net that Jun fires from the contraption on her wrist) and Bolas and Brute Male Strength and handsprings and backflips and somersaults and karate kicks and I will say this...I wonder how many guys were hitting the "slow" button to watch Jun throw her kicks in that gosh darn miniskirt?

So the leader is all sore that his goons lost and he decides that he will turn Utoland City to ashes with the lasers set at max power, and in true superhero show tradition the five glide away from Gamera and the charges Jun set go off just as the Captain gives the order to fire. And the Captain has an escape pod, and Katze is on the monitor, and Katze tells TurtleCaptain to kill Gatchaman and that he is not to come back unless he does, so TurtleCaptain tries to pull a Kamikaze on the Godpheonix. Jun announces that there is a bomb in the escape pod. Ken says that there is only one thing they can do, and the rest of them have the same look on their faces and the look says, OhWasteProducts.

And we get the Kagaku Ninpoo Hinotori/ Firery Pheonix/ Firebird Mode, and I feel like I've come home. It's like being ten years old and watching BotP with the little brother again. At least some things don't change, even if Jun's cup size and Ryu's hair color did...

Then we get Dr. N again, and he is still wearing that pink dinner jacket, and I REALLY wish that Katze would kill him for his crime of fashion, but the team comes bursting in through the ceiling of the machine, and it turns out Katze was an illusion and he says some parting words and disappears.

Katze is apologizing to this machine and then the machine turns into something with tentacles and one great big eye so I assume this is the Sosai X. I think I like the OAV Sosai X...all mysterious computer graphics magic, which is what X is supposed to be (but after a while all the CG starts to feel a little overdone.). Sosai X tells Katze that he should not take the Science Ninja Team lightly, and that he has chosen Katze to rule the planet for him. So Katze says that he will not fail.

And Dr. N says that Gallactor will be back, and I am like of course they will, there are two more videos left, but I won't be watching them for a while because I have other more important things to do.

Like watch the originals ! (^o^)/))